Watch Out There's a Thief About

I was a hero yesterday but no-one recognised it.

You see I was having a pleasant afternoon nap in the sun when I heard this noise outside. It was a big van pulled up on two legs' drive. Now I know two legs doesn't like strangers parking on his drive cos he can't get his car out and he gets all cross and angry.

I thought I would be helpful so I walked round to see the van and tell then to push off. Trouble was there was no-one there. Then I saw this stranger walk out of the front door and go and get some tools out of this van. I thought two legs must have things under control so I went back to the sun and topped up my tan.

The noises got more and more weird and I thought I ought to investigate. Well I walked into my kitchen and you wouldn't believe your eyes. The two legs from the van was on the floor taking out that thing that washes all the dishes. He was whistling away merrily without a care in the world. I was going to stop him and then I looked again and he was a bit big so I thought I'd go and get my two legs - more of an even contest then.

I searched for him or her and wondered where they were. I knew she was in that glass house playing with all the little plants and I didn't think she would be able to fend off the two legs with the van who was taking stuff from her kitchen.

I went into the study and there was two legs reading a book as if nothing was happening. I scratched his chair to attract his attention and just got the proverbial brush off!

I jumped up on the desk and head butted him and shouted to come quick because he was being robbed.

"There's a good boy come to see your Dad. What have you been doing you're all hot. Laying in the sun I bet!" totally oblivious to what was going on a few yards away.

"You're being robbed! Get up and sort it out!" I yelled at him.

"Let dad read his book and you go back to the sun. Good boy Casper!". He patted me on the head and I knew I couldn't do any more to rouse his interest. It was left to me to save the day! As usual.

I saw the van two legs carrying the big machine to the front door and new I had one chance. I shot between his legs and tried to trip him up.

"Can you get your cat sir" he shouted to my two legs "nearly sent me apex over spine with the washer!"

"So sorry!" my two legs replied appearing on the scene in a flash. I spent all my efforts trying to get him up and one word from this van owning machine snaffler and he's there.

"Casper get out of the way and in the garage" What thanks for saving a disaster.

I watched from the garage and saw the van get filled with the old washer and a new one was taken out and carried inside. There was more noise then I saw the two two legs shaking hands and exchanging pieces of paper.

"Two year guarantee - any problems call me." said the van driving two legs cheerily.

I was let out of the garage and went into the kitchen and saw a new machine where the old one had been. The female two legs came in from playing with her plants and beamed and said how nice it looked.

I couldn't have got it all wrong could I?

Evening Out

As it was our birthday last week and she couldn't come to the party down the lane I decided to take my sister Bluebelle out last night. I know you will have trouble understanding this but we have the same birthday but we are not twins. We look completely different but we were born on the same day. I tried explaining it to Max and Sebastian once but Max got confused and Sebastian fell asleep half way through.

Anyway I had a word with my sister over the fence during the morning and we agreed to meet up and go out for a drink and a spot of ratting last night.

I had a nice long sleep so I would be ready and able to impress her and then I came down and asked the two legs to let me out.

"No you're not going out. I want an early night!" she answered.

That was disaster what was I to do. I had my sister waiting for me and I didn't want to be late. truth be told she is a very pretty girl and I was looking forward to walking out with her.

I started a number of tricks to get out. first I climbed the curtains chasing an imaginary fly. Then I decided to scratch the furniture - that usually gets them so mad. Tonight they just shouted at me. He was watching his football with all those little two legs running about in the box in the corner. I jumped up on the TV stand and sat in front of it so he couldn't see. One of the two legs booted the ball straight at my bottom and I was about to jump when it rebounded away without touching me. I must have some kind of aura about me.

Is till wasn't winning so I decided to use Max's ploy. He goes to the doors and just scratches on the glass. it makes a horrible noise but he just keeps going until they get up and open the door for him. It worked in no time I was outside with strict orders to be back in 10 minutes.

Very silly order to give because in case you hadn't noticed we cats don't wear watches. if we did they would slide down our legs and end up in all the puddles we like to play in.

I was still early and I got to Bluebelle's cat flap just as she was checking her appearance before coming out. I tried to whistle at her but I never learned how and it came out as a rather wet psst. First move of the night - an embarrassment!

She came out and smiled - she looked very nice.

We went off for our evening and had a lovely time. She hadn't been into the woods before and when we got there she was a bit nervous but I was all manly and reassured her and showed her the best place for catching the shrews and voles as they come out for their food. They are quite a jolly bunch over there and know me now and let me catch them. Bluebelle was impressed and when I took Sidney shrew back to her she asked if she should eat him. I was horrified and Sidney was a bit put out. I explained it was all a game and we didn't need to eat them as we had plenty of food at home. In fact I told her there was a standing arrangement that if the weather giot bad and there was no food about for Sidney and his family they were allowed over to ours to share our food. Bluebelle thought I was a true humanitarian.

We finally went home and I saw her to her cat flap. We rubbed noses before she finally disappeared indoors and the flap clanged closed.

I wandered home feeling full of the joys of Spring.

"Where have you been? It's gone midnight. Didn't I say 10 minutes? You're grounded now matey!" I forgot they have to stay up to let me in - No cat flap like my sister.

I went to bed somewhat deflated but at least I have some good memories

Happy Birthday Mummy

It's my Mummy two legs' birthday today and I asked my male personal shopper to go and get me a card for her.

"Tell you what Casper, I'll make you one for her" he replied chippily

"Oh no please!" You know what happens when he makes something. There's chaos everywhere; lots of shouting and blaming all the tools and something rather epculiar at the end of it.

I could do nothing but smile sweetly at him and pray that it went reasonably well. I think Max and Seb go straight to her and say what they want without the need for the subterfuge. Well of he goes into his little room and there's rustling of card and the crash of things falling over as he hunts out scissors and stuff to decorate the card with.

"I know; a cat silhouette!" he shouts out at no-one in particular and another series of crashing and yelling before quietness falls and I peer round the door to see him cutting out intricate shapes and sticking little bits of paper all over the place. I thought it best that I go for a stroll in the garden. The rain was refreshing and it's always nice to play in the mud puddles that spring up.

I left it 10 minutes or so and thought I ought to show an interest in what he was doing so went back in. he had done a pretty decent job and was putting the finishing touches to his masterpiece. i jumped up for a closer examination and walked across the card.

My muddy paw prints showed where I had been. I knew I was in for trouble. I ducked to hide from him.

"Oh nice idea, Casper - your own signature on the card. Smart fellow!"

You never can tell how these two legs will react can you?

Dressing To Kill

They tell me it is my personal shopper's birthday tomorrow. I am pretty sure she is older than Sebastian but no-one mentions age in the house only our ages. Two legs are funny like that - they will happily tell everyone how old we are but when you ask them their age they always hum and hah and never come up with a number. Sebastian says they were pretty old when he was a kitten so I guess that must make them 15 or so - pretty old as you can see.

Anyway she likes to dress up for special occasions and they all dressed up in oriental stuff the other week to celebrate somebody's New Year. I thought it was a bit naff but I put on my coolie hat and my cheong sam like I was told to and I did get some rather pleasant tasting prawn goodies that night so it was worth it.

Well this time I have no idea what the theme was but I have got this damn silly hat and a cloak that gets in the way when I want to wee. I've had it on for almost all day now and it's getting a bit of a nuisance. I asked Max why he wasn't dressing up and he said he couldn't because of his "condition" I asked Seb and he said it was too early to be dressing up . When I asked him later he said the time had passed and it was too late now.

When can I take this off?

FLEAS - PART II

Now I had to tell you the outcome of the stand-off over the flea squirting.

I was majestic. I was careful the whole day. Every time a two leg approached me I made them show me their hands to make sure they were not concealing the dreaded squirter.

The day passed with complete success and even Max and Sebastian began to lose that smell that comes from the squirt. The evening wore on and it got nice and warm and cosy in the house and Max and Sebastian were asleep - Seb in his pet bed and Max in his right next to the radiator. I heard Max's contented purr and Sebastian's deep snore. The two legs were watching the magic box that holds all those people and places.

He got up to make a cup of tea and I snuggled down in his chair all nice and warm from where he had been. I heard him come back snort and go and sit in the other chair. I was comfortable. I was warm. I was tired from the day's excitement and from my subterfuge. I drifted off into a lovely sleep with this magnificent bowl of tuna just out of my reach. I kept stretching out to reach it but it inched away every time.

She was there! She squirted the back of my neck with the cold smelly stuff.

It was so quick I didn't have time to strike out. I made straight for my tunnel and hid.

"Good boy, Casper. Come and have a treat. All over now!" she cooed

Not blooming likely. I thought they had forgotten about it but they have memories like flipping elephants. I really thought I had triumphed and then a sneaky attack when my eyes were closed.

I shall get revenge

FLEAS - NO THANK YOU

Oh my Gosh it's that time of year again when the two legs get all excited about fleas.

You can't have a good old scratch without them shouting "Fleas!"

Now last year I was a novice to the game and they kept squirting me with this awful smelling stuff and then telling me how good I was and giving me treats.

Max and Seb on the other hand just wandered up to the two legs and took the squirt full on the neck and roamed off. They stunk of the stuff for ages afterwards.

Well today she got the squirty things out and caught Max and did him. I watched and he barely flinched but boy did he smell. Then she got Seb who never turns a hair whatever you do with him. He just stood there and looked for his treat and then went back to sleep. I could smell him from across the room.

"Come on Casper" came the sweet coo.

Not ruddy likely I thought and dived under the table.

There was a lot of coaxing and calling but I stayed resolute. Then he came on the scene. Dived under the table and grabbed me. I thought I had had it then but I managed to wriggle a leg free and scratch out. He was whimpering and moaning but held firm. It was a test of resolve. She came nearer with the vial of vile stuff (hey isn't that clever!) I wriggled a bit more and caught him on the arm and he flinched just enough to let me jump out of his arms and bound free. I found a lovely bolt hole in my tunnel. Every time they came near I swore and struck out.

They've put the stuff away now and I am unsquirted. I think this is a battle of wits that may last for some time. I remain undefeated.

I'm Bushed

What a night!

I was all ready to turn in when Max said he fancied a quick wander around the grounds. He's a bit doddery when he goes out especially in the dark so I usually go along with him just to make sure he doesn't come to any harm. I never let him know that I'm there to look after him I always say well I'll just pop along with you then. I think he knows why I go but because we don't say anything he keeps his pride intact. Very much a cat with pride and self respect is our Max.

So I says to two legs "Open the door" and of course he does.

Well Sebastian decides he will come too. Now that is always a problem because Seb is not very good at climbing fences and while I am helping him, Max will often wander off and lose himself. I need eyes in my backside when I go out with them - worse than having two kittens to look after!

We hadn't gone very far when Sebastian made his excuses and returned home - I must be honest and say i was a bit relieved I could concentrate fully on Max. Well we wandered around and lost track of time and if truth be told direction. Oddly it was Max who said I think we should be getting back you're dropping off the pace I don't think you're as fit as you used to be! I chuckled and didn't say anything.

Well we made our way home and got to the door to find everywhere in darkness. I scratched the door and called out to them and eventually a bleary eyed two legs appeared and let us in.

"What time do you call this?" he demanded

I couldn't tell him that cats don't wear watches and to us time is relative. It would have been an interesting intellectual debate but he didn't seem as if he wanted to know.

"Two thirty and you roll up as if nothing is wrong. I'm going to bed!"

Max and I followed him up and I was fortunate to get a comfy spot. I am having a good sleep in today!