I'm A Hero

Hey these two legs are a pair of woosies really. Last night there was a bee flew into the lounge and there was all this panic from them. Getting papers out to shoo it out and shouting to one another about where the bee was.

Sebastian opened one eye from his slumbers in his bed and gave me a knowing look. Max said it was a good sign if bees were about - it meant it was getting warmer and he crawled back under his duvet to go to sleep.

Now when there is a panic in the house I feel I should be the one to restore calm so I went to help them chase the poor little bee out of the French doors. Not sure why but he clearly didn't want to go out into the chill of the evening and took up a position on the curtains just out of reach of the two legs' flailing paper swatters. I had to admire the little furry fellow - he knew what he was doing.

"Casper. This should be your job. You're here to stop intruders!" thundered two legs.

What I thought. Me? I am a tiny little fellow and the two legs are giants and yet they expect me to go into battle against any intruder. Typical. You do everything you can to make them feel comfortable and still they expect more of you.

I trotted away in a huff and decided I would show them.

I came back ready for the job and caught the bee and sent him out into the cold of the evening. Satisfied> I asked

Do you know they didn't even thank me!

Hot House

After my little adventure by the sea I decided I needed to get of the sun's rays on me. Max has always maintained there was a benefit from laying in the sun and soaking up whatever heat was going. I am beginning to think that he knows something because after my jaunt to the seaside I felt totally rejuvenated and for a cat of my age that is pretty good.

I didn't fancy another trek over all the fields to get to the sea so I looked for something closer to home and there it was. The glasshouse in the garden. The two legs are always in and out of there putting plants in pots and watering them and all sorts but I heard her say the other night that all the planting out was now finished.

I knew she keeps a chair in there with cushion and all for Sebastian so he can o in there and sit with her while she works. He usually falls asleep and isn't at all interested in horticulture so I was up early and into the glasshouse to put my metaphoric towel on the chair for the day.

I curled up on the cushion and thought comfort. I smelled the nice earthy smell of the plants in the compost and I felt the temperature rising as the sun broke through the clouds and rose over head. This must be Heaven. So quiet and relaxing and oh so warm.

"Casper we're going out now are you coming in?"

"No way I'm comfy here thank you I shall not be moving all day"

"He looks very comfortable and it is warm. Shall we leave him out?"

"I'm not coming in"

"Yes. I'll just get him a bowl of water and some food in case he gets hungry!"

I have found my new summer retreat. Move over Sebastian - Casper's here now!

Sunbathing

I thought the weather was quite favourable today so I went for a wander down to the seaside. There weren't too many two legs about and I found this fabulous row of chairs all unoccupied.

I jumped up and ran along until I found this one that just suited me and decided to have a stretch out and a nap while taking in the sea air.

I had just got into the first stages of this lovely dream about a hill erupting and flooding down with molten cream. I was salivating so much I was actually dribbling. Very bad form for a young cat about town like me.

"Oi it's £2 to use a sun bed mate!" boomed the voice of Jobsworth in his peaked hat.

I looked up at him through half open eyes. "I'm not exactly carrying a wallet with me old boy"

"Can't have you sleeping here if you haven't paid. The other tourists want to sit down and they will pay. Not fair to take a seat from a paying tourist."

I surveyed the row of empty chairs. "Not many takers yet by the looks of it"

He loomed tall over me and started fiddling with his ticket book. I sensed there was no chance of clemency here.

I got to my feet and jumped off the chair darting between his legs and along the beach.

"Oi you still have to pay for the time that you were here! I'll have the law after you sunshine!" he yelled at my departing bottom.

I found a nice little cove on the sandy beach and settled down for a nap there.

No-one disturbed me and I came back home relaxed and with a nice tan.

WIMBLEDON'S COMING

I don't know about you but I like the tennis game. It's fun watching all those people moving their heads backwards and forwards as the ball goes back and forth between the two legs all dressed in white.

I mentioned Wimbledon to Sebastian and he told me some weird story about creatures that used to wander about picking up the litter. he said his great uncle Bulgaria was one of them and someone called Tobermoray - I think it must have been after one of his afternoon naps and he wasn't quite sure what he was talking about. Mind you there is a lot of litter about and I do sometimes wonder how it all gets cleared up; if it didn't surely there wouldn't be enough room for cats and people.

Well I heard my two legs talking and they were saying that they had to get their order in for tickets or they wouldn't be able to see the tennis and I thought that would be a bit of a shame and then it occurred to me that they wouldn't think to get tickets for me anyway. if they were going to watch it they wouldn't leave the telly on for me and Max to watch so I had to get moving myself.

As luck would have it I popped into my mate's house and he overlooks the ground so I made myself a comfortable bed on the window sill and am ready for when it starts.

You have to get up early in the morning to catch old Casper out you know!

Good Game! Good Game!

Oh my word did I have a fun time but did I pay for it.

You see in the two legs' study - where I do all this writing to you - he's got a big notice board and they pin stuff up on it. They usually use these nice multi-coloured pins which are great to pull out of the board and take down to Sebastian's bed and drop in there. Then when he turns over he lands on the pin and squeals and jumps up. He never seems to realise the pin is there or if he does perhaps he is just being nice to me and making out like he is hurt. Either way it is fun and he never gets really cross with me.

The two legs did though!

It seems that under these pins they keep some paper which they have notes on and other things - something called Lotto tickets. Whatever that is it seems that these tickets get you a lot of money when you take them back to the shop. I think they must be like antiques or something. Anyway they were having a clear out the other day and moved the cupboard unit that is right under the notice board and there were some of these pink tickets on the floor.

"What the heck are these doing here?" I heard him shout.

"Oh my Gosh they could be winners she said where were they?"

"Down behind the unit!" his voice trailed off as his eyes moved across to me. I sensed there was going to be an awkward moment or two so I sidled away,

"Casper come here!" Now this is where we cats have an edge over dogs; if dogs are called they instinctively turn and run towards the voice. It is not their fault it is just something they can't help doing. Now a cat is different. We hear but we don't have to listen or obey. We were brought up to assert our independence from the start so we never do something unless we want to or or we really need to do it to curry favour. Now was a time that favour needed to be curried and how.

I put on my sweetest smile and glided over towards him purring and rubbing round his legs.

"You didn't take those naughty pins out of the board and hide Daddy's papers did you Casper?" it was working - his voice was all gooey.

"Of course I did - how else could I get a pin to stick in Sebastian's bed. Do you think I can climb into that silly set of drawers of yours, open the box and take a pin out. Of course I can't!"

"Daddy knew Casper wouldn't do that. Must have been one of your cats" he announced turning to the female two legs.

"Doesn't matter who did it we had better check the numbers" as usual hers was the voice of reason.

"Oh no they are a year old we couldn't claim anyway. Best not check them." Her eyes landed on me - she knew the truth; no purring and cupboard love (pardon the pun) would work there.

I made for the garden and sat under the lavender bush. I wonder what it would have been like to be a millionaire's cat.

There's None as Deaf as Them That Don't Want to Hear

Well there was all this rain today. Started when I woke up and didn't stop even when I was asleep. I try and catch it out. I lay there and pretend I'm asleep and then I quickly open one eye and it's still raining. Makes me wonder about all sorts of things. Do they still happen even though I'm not there to see them? If I am feeling particularly philosophical about that sort of thing I will curl up next to Max and we have an in depth discussion about it. Max is one of life's great thinkers. He once told me that he had thought of more things than any cat could ever do in ten life times. I am in awe of Max's brain - he is like some super being.

Anyway I decided I had to venture out to tour the estate and pay my respects to some of the wildlife wandering about in the rain. I went to the door and was immediately told.

"You can't go out Casper it's wet"

"I know it's wet - I've been watching the rain"

"If you go out you'll get wet feet all over the furniture"

"Then you'll have to get that big soft warm fluffy towel and dry me"

"Then we'll have to dry you off and you don't like that do you?"

"Yes I do. I love being wrapped in the warm fluffy towel"

"Go and use your dirt box"

"I don't want to go and use my dirt box. I'm going out to visit."

"Well don't blame me if you catch a chill"

The door opened and out I went. I went to see how Harry hedgehog was managing under the compost heap. He was well and his family were looking good. He was pleased to see me and we spent a few minutes in conversation.

I wandered over to the lavender bush and made myself comfortable in the mud under the bush. Sidney Starling and Cecil Seagull would be down in a minute for a quick feed and a chat about conditions on the coast. Cecil has broadened my mind considerably with tales of seashore activites.

After I had finished my socialising I went back in and asked for the towel.

"Now I've got to dry you off"

"I'd like that please"

"You won't like that and it's no good scratching"

"I won't scratch I like it"

"Why don't you listen to me when I tell you it's wet outside?"

"Why don't you listen to me when I tell you I don't mind?"

"I hope you had a pee while you were outside. Your boxes aren't down yet!"

"No I didn't have a pee while I was out because it was wet in case you hadn't noticed and I would have got muddy feet digging a hole and I would have been in more trouble! So could you get my box ready please."

"If you need to go you'll have to ask to go out again then"

"But then I'll get a chill and you'll have to dry me off."

They wonder why we keep quiet most of the time; I ask you.

Visitors

Hey today was pretty amazing.

The two legs had visitors and they brought some dogs with them - wow can you imagine - dogs in my house.

I saw them getting prepared and I sensed something was going to happen when he took our food dishes and boxes upstairs and into the bedroom. We never eat in bed - the meat and fish tends to get everywhere and the last thing you want is to wake up with a bit of dried fish stuck to your coat. I told Sebastian what was happening and he said not to disturb him because he wouldn't have so far to go for his sustenance. I told Max and he told me that it was probably to help him recover from his "condition".

There is no way you can help some people so I knew it was left to me to keep alert. I saw the two legs arrive and then I saw them go and get the dogs out of their car and take them for a walk. I think it's quite funny whenever Max or any of us want to go for a walk we go on our own. But dogs - they have to have someone walk with them and lead them. I guess they haven't got our sense of direction. Mind you Max says they simply haven't got our sense!

They looked friendly enough dogs but you can never be sure. I was up for going down to investigate but the door was shut and we couldn't get out. I tried to talk it over but Max was asleep and Sebastian was eating as fast as he could. We went to sleep.

When I woke up the door was open and I could hear noises downstairs - a sort of snoring sound but not Sebastian. I gave Max a prod and he said he could hear it too. I said I would go and investigate but Max came over all masterful and insisted he went to investigate saying I was like a bull in a china shop. I don't know how he knows these things because to the best of my knowledge he has never seen a bull let alone see one on a china shop which again I don't think Max has ever seen.

I woke Sebastian and we listened as Max stealthily crept downstairs and circled to the back door. We heard the female two legs let him out into the garden. a few minutes later we heard the male two legs open the door and call Max in and usher him upstairs. We heard the laboured climb of the stairs.

"Well?" we asked in unison.

"Just two dogs sleeping on the settee" Max reported.

"Sleeping on my bed?" asked Sebastian. "Have they eaten my biscuits?"

"Nope." replied Max and promptly set about a lengthy washing. Further discussion was not allowed.

I thought it safe to go and investigate but the door was shut again.

By the time I got downstairs there was no sign of the dogs. Maybe next time we will meet.