Birthday Blues

Now today is my birthday and it should be a special day. Well it is also the birthday of my sister Bluebelle - she lives next door to me - and my brother Monty - he lives way down the road from me almost as far away as Tesco's. Now on my birthday you would expect everything to be going good for me wouldn't you. Well it isn't.

Now first of all I got my presents - that was cool. Bluebelle sent me some nice food things. I think she actually must have got her personal shopper to get them for her cos they were all wrapped up neatly; now Bluebelle is very artistic but she can't do things up as well as her personal shopper does because she hasn't got thumbs. I mean Bluebelle hasn't got thumbs - her personal shopper has got them OK.

Well I had just finished inspecting the presents and I turned round to play with the wrapping and there was Max curled up inside it. I told him to shove off but he wouldn't budge. As you know I am fairly good tempered so I let him stay there and vowed to get him as soon as he moved out!

I was settled down to sentry duty when the doorbell rang. I thought that would be my mate Terry the postman with some more presents for me but no. My two legs had only gone and invited some of their two leg friends over and they hadn't brought me a present, so I raced upstairs and promptly forgot all about getting revenge on Max for sitting in my birthday paper.

No sooner had these two legs gone than the doorbell rang again and this new two legs appeared. I heard him say he had come to gas us all! I quickly went about to summons Max and Sebastian and tell them the fate that was about to befall us. Sebastian raised an eye peered through the curtains and laid back down for sleep.

"He's not come to gas us dopey. He's the gas man. He comes every year and pokes about with things and says yes that's all working well and off he goes."

By now I was far too uptight to sleep and no-one seemed to be coming to see me so I thought to myself I am off to write to my thousands and thousands of loyal fans so here I am

Don't Hang Around Here For Long

Now I've told you how I like a nice snooze in that warm dark wardrobe of theirs and so does Max. In fact Max is so apt to nipping in for a nap whenever they open the door I have known him to be shut in for several hours until they released him

Well this week were we saved from a Hellish torture. I was having a wander through the linen basket trying to find a nice clean sheet or something to curl up in. You see it had been a particularly wet night and I had got rather wet and muddy when I toured the estate first thing. In those circumstances one simply has to find something cool and crisp and clean to lay on to clean oneself up. I imagine you do the same on those occasions.

I heard Max say he was off for a quick bite to eat as he had heard two legs saying he was about to repair the wardrobe doors. Now whenever two legs mentions repairing we all take cover. That inevitably means that whatever was intermittently working will from now on give up any semblance of functionality. it also means two legs and my female personal shopper will be arguing and shouting ate ach other about how the thing stopped working and everything else.

Back to this particular morning, Max passed me on his way out of the new wardrobe. For ages now the sliding door had been jammed open by a few inches. Enough for me and Max to slip in and find some nice quiet shut eye time. Now the failure to close properly was going to be "repaired". I was feeling a bit low that morning - I guess it was a mixture of the constant cold weather and a little too much of the cream trifle I had found on the worktop the night before. I needed something to cheer me up so I settled in a corner of the room where the reparations were to take place.

Two legs came armed with ladders, screwdrivers, searchlight, funny looking L shaped keys, glasses and pliers. I felt sure there were going to be problems as he had not got his favourite tool - the hammer!

After a little while and a lot of gruffing and panting there was a clunk and the doors miraculously closed. It was like one of those surreal moments when everything stood still and then his voice called out.

"Done it dear, come and have a look"

Now why anyone would want to come and have a look at a pair of closed doors I do not know. Nonetheless I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Very nice" she said reaching over to open them, "Why don't they open any more?"

I knew it! The repair wouldn't be complete without a catastrophe. Then I thought. Was Max inside there? How lucky I was that I wasn't.

There was more gruffing and climbing of ladders. The searchlight went on and off like a lighthouse.

"Damn! Can't shift them at all!" he pronounced. "Think we need to get a man in"

Now that is always the sign that defeat has finally been acknowledged. It also means the job will not be complete for several weeks. There will be endless discussion about why external support is needed. There will be further discussion about who should be entrusted with the task. Then there will be discussion as to who should ring and make the appointment.

"Always sounds better coming from a  feeble female" was two legs' mantra.

I couldn't be doing with this any more and went in search of Max - I couldn't bear the thought of him starving within the wardrobe. Luckily I found him laid out in front of the fire purring loudly from a full belly of chicken.

As for the wardrobe doors they remain firmly shut to this day. I am concerned that my half eaten vole that I left on the top of the shirt drawer will still be there when the doors eventually re-open.

Wooops I Missed a Date

I've put my foot in it! Well my paw to be exact. You see no-one told me what day it was today. I didn't know it was Valentine's Day. Yes OK I saw all these male two legs going about with red roses and boxes of chocolates but then they always seem to be doing that and giving them to the female two legs to make them happy.

I should have taken note when I saw my mate Terry the postman delivering lots of those oversize cards with red envelopes and hearts and kisses all over them but still it didn't register.

Then I went to see Mr Grumpy. He's a mate of mine who hasn't long been in the neighbourhood but he is always grumpy. He has one blue eye and one green one and I wondered if that was the reason for his never-ending grumpiness.

He was looking as miserable as ever and as I entered through the cat flap he was in mid conversation with his female two leg personal shopper.

"I would have expected you to make some sort of effort today of all days. You could have woken up with a smile and a purr or you could have kissed me first thing but no there you sat washing your bum on the bed!"

"When my bum's dirty I wash it don't you? Would you rather I drag my bum over the bedclothes like that stupid dog of yours?"

"Not even a sweet purr. Fido was licking me as soon as my eyes were open."

"You think I am going to lick you after he has spat all over your face. besides he was having a good lick of his bots before you woke. the noise he makes woke me up. Anyway you just complained I was licking my bum - did you want that on your face?"

"You are a misery. Typical male!"

"Oh hi, Casper. Didn't see you come in did you shut the flap. There's a terrible draught in here. Wait on I better tell her I did get her a card. It's in the bottom of my litter tray."

That's when I knew I was in for trouble when I got home - I hadn't even left a card in the litter tray. Oh well there's always next year!

Snowy Gone Not Gone

Meet my mate Snowy. Now Snowy is a cat that has a lot of problems and a lot of them are imagined. I know I shouldn't speak ill of others but she tends to always think the worst and expect the worst.

I was out the other day and I met Snowy on the path. that was unusual in itself as Snowy is more of a house cat and doesn't venture out very often. She tends to get confused very easily.

"Where you off to Snowy?"

She looked around and very conspiratorially said "I'm off to see a trick cyclist"

Now that sounded quite interesting so I asked if I could come along with her. I like these dare devil stunt cats and often thought I could have been one if I hadn't started life where I did. Snowy looked a bit startled by that and thought about it.

"I can hold your paw if you get scared" I ventured.

Snowy nodded an agreement and off we went. We got to this house and knocked on the cat flap and were ushered inside by a very prim and proper feline. I thought it a bit odd that there were no other audience members in the room and then this aging cat came in. He's never going to ride a bike up the wall I thought and he sat down an started talking to Snowy.

He asked some rather personal questions and I could see she was about to cry so I moved in to reassure her; then it dawned on me. he wasn't a trick cyclist he was a psychiatrist - she'd got it wrong again!

"Well" she was saying "when all the snow was about and everything was white I felt quite happy then I woke up one morning and it had all gone just like that. Now I'm scare that I will wake up one morning and I will be gone just like the snow."

The psychiatrist was reassuring - that was supposed to be my role - and said that wasn't going t happen but said she was suffering from SAD.

Now Snowy is never the liveliest cat in the street but to call her sad is a bit OTT. Then I heard him say it was a Seasonal Affective Disorder and she should go home and lay in bright light. Now Snowy is a white cat and cannot lay in the sun because she gets sunstroke very easily. I went to explain that to the doctor cat but he said time was up and left the room. The flash female cat came back and ushered us to the cat flap.

I think some cats have strange problems. Glad I'm OK

It's Back

I looked around and there it was gone. A little while later and it was all back again. It's nice when it starts but it gets such a pain when it's been around a while. Snow. Yes that's what I am talking about. First it's here then it goes to slush and ice and then it re-appears. I don't know where I am.

Max won't go out in it in case it affects his "condition" and Sebastian says his belly is low slung so he picks up a load of snow underneath him when he walks. I don't know why they moan it only comes once ina  while and when it does it's just a minor inconvenience. talking of conveniences can you imagine what it's like for our poor paws in this weather when we have to dig our holes to go to the loo. It's cold - that's what it is I can tell you. I watch the two legs put gloves and scarves and thick coats and wellies on before they go out but me? They open the door and kick me out nude and say go and get some fresh air.

The other day I went out just after a fresh snow fall and I got to thinking. When you roll about in it, it's all fluffy and warm and it sticks to your fur then after a while it goes into a matted mess and then it goes wet when you go indoors. If you go back out where you were rolling is now all solid and icy. I am sure if they bottled this stuff they could do wonders with it. maybe then they wouldn't let it come down and go to waste so much.

And maybe then we wouldn't get frozen paws when we go to the loo

You Spin Me Right Round

All this partying the two legs has been doing lately led me to think and you know how good I am when I get thinking.

I went and had a chat with my sister - Bluebelle - and I said how about we have another party. She was a bit sceptical because the last time we did that there was quite a bit of mess and the entry and exit via the bathroom window was quite scary to say the least.

I persuaded her that if we had it at her place we could all come in and out via her cat flap and because it only worked on her collar she could supervise who came in and could ensure there was no mess, It also just happened that her two legs carers were off for a weekend away and my two legs would be feeding her.

I went round the neighbourhood with invites and everyone was up for it and I decided I would be inventive and I got myself one of those DJ decks. I saw it on Amazon and I waited until my old two legs was drifting off to sleep and carefully ordered it on his card and made sure it would be delivered in time for the party. When I get the bit between my teeth there's no stopping me. Even Max said he thought I could have been Prime Minister if I had had two of my legs removed. Bit harsh I thought to go to those extremes to runt he country but someone has to do it.

The night of the party came and I got some records out and started jamming to them - that's one of these Urban cool terms you know - and we were dancing Gangnam style - hey I am so hip I frighten even myself!

Well before you knew it it was time to pack up and take everything back to leave Bluebelle's house as it should be. My two legs kept looking at the DJ mixer desk and asking the female where it had come from. I think they have convinced themselves they are going a bit silly and forgetting what they do.

Play The Game

Now sometimes I think those two legs take things a bit too far. I heard them talking about going bowling the other day and I thought that sounded like fun. I asked Max about it and he looked very frightened and said he had to be off just in case. I asked him in case of what but he was gone before I could finish the question. Now that should have told me something because you know Max is never one to move fast.

I waited around and I heard old two legs on the phone asking to rent an alley for a couple of hours. I started to have my own fears. Now what would a two legs want with an alley for a couple of hours. The only things you find in alleys are cats, bins, and those scantily clad female two legs who do amazing tricks with males when no one is looking. That's the beauty of being a cat - you can watch all that sort of thing and no one bothers about you!

Well I should have gone away there and then but I heard him make more calls to other two legs asking them to be there too and then it began to dawn on me. They were going to bowl in the alley! Now if they were going to bowl in the alley there were only two possible targets - the cats or the scantily clad female two legs. You wouldn't use the bins because they are too big and would make too much noise.

Now I can't say I am a frequent visitor to alleys but I know enough to know that you don't find 10 or so scantily clad female two legs down there but you do easily find 10 or so cats clad scantily or otherwise. These two legs were planning to throw balls at my bretheren! I had to do something to alert the neighbourhood of what was about to happen.

I went outside and started calling as loud as I could to warn everyone.

"Stop that noise at once, Casper or you'll be indoors right now!"

"Yeah and let you bowl over all my friends I should cocoa!"

"Right! That's it you're going in your basket if you can't behave!"

Oh no I knew what that meant they were going to take me with them and use me as the centre pin cat. I would get every ball thrown down aimed at me. I shot indoors and hid under the duvet next to Max. Max winked at me and we kept very quiet.

Off they went for their game and when they came back he was very quiet - apparently he had been beaten. I saw him showing a picture of the ga,e and there were no cats just skittles they were bowling at. Seems my warning had worked and the cats had all gone into hiding.

You have to get up early to outsmart me you know!

Snow Joke

Well it was a funny old night last night. The house was full of two legs who all were partying to celebrate this new year thing. Me and Max spent a bit of time upstairs with a couple of young female two legs but they were a bit boring so we went out to have some fun. Sebastian goes and hides under the bed so he can see what everyone is doing without them knowing he's there. He's quite cool for an old dude really.

So me and max took off to the garage and decided to have some shut eye in the car. He always leaves the window open and we can go in and out at leisure. That's a nice thing to do to look out for us. I am always telling Max that not all two legs are like that but you know Max.

Well all of a sudden there's this noise starts up and the two legs are screaming and snow is falling out of the sky. I woke Max up and we went to look closer. I saw old two legs and his young partner in crime up at the bedroom window with this machine thing that was whirring and sending great clouds of snow out and down onto the path. I didn't know that was how the snow came about. Funny because when it snows hard old two legs always complains about it and yet there he was up there creating snow.

The other two legs came out to see and were screaming about it and a little two legs was playing in it and jumping about. I said we should join in but Max said it would be cold.

Undeterred I went out into it and it wasn't cold at all - just a little bit damp. I played with the flakes and caught some and let some settle on me and went back to show Max - he wasn't impressed. I raced bcck upstairs and under the bed to tell Sebastian - he wasn't impressed.

I went back down to the garage to go back to sleep in the car. By this time the snow had stopped and the two legs were back at their party games. max had moved over and taken my driver's seat in the car. I wasn't impressed!