Birthday Blues

Now today is my birthday and it should be a special day. Well it is also the birthday of my sister Bluebelle - she lives next door to me - and my brother Monty - he lives way down the road from me almost as far away as Tesco's. Now on my birthday you would expect everything to be going good for me wouldn't you. Well it isn't.

Now first of all I got my presents - that was cool. Bluebelle sent me some nice food things. I think she actually must have got her personal shopper to get them for her cos they were all wrapped up neatly; now Bluebelle is very artistic but she can't do things up as well as her personal shopper does because she hasn't got thumbs. I mean Bluebelle hasn't got thumbs - her personal shopper has got them OK.

Well I had just finished inspecting the presents and I turned round to play with the wrapping and there was Max curled up inside it. I told him to shove off but he wouldn't budge. As you know I am fairly good tempered so I let him stay there and vowed to get him as soon as he moved out!

I was settled down to sentry duty when the doorbell rang. I thought that would be my mate Terry the postman with some more presents for me but no. My two legs had only gone and invited some of their two leg friends over and they hadn't brought me a present, so I raced upstairs and promptly forgot all about getting revenge on Max for sitting in my birthday paper.

No sooner had these two legs gone than the doorbell rang again and this new two legs appeared. I heard him say he had come to gas us all! I quickly went about to summons Max and Sebastian and tell them the fate that was about to befall us. Sebastian raised an eye peered through the curtains and laid back down for sleep.

"He's not come to gas us dopey. He's the gas man. He comes every year and pokes about with things and says yes that's all working well and off he goes."

By now I was far too uptight to sleep and no-one seemed to be coming to see me so I thought to myself I am off to write to my thousands and thousands of loyal fans so here I am

Don't Hang Around Here For Long

Now I've told you how I like a nice snooze in that warm dark wardrobe of theirs and so does Max. In fact Max is so apt to nipping in for a nap whenever they open the door I have known him to be shut in for several hours until they released him

Well this week were we saved from a Hellish torture. I was having a wander through the linen basket trying to find a nice clean sheet or something to curl up in. You see it had been a particularly wet night and I had got rather wet and muddy when I toured the estate first thing. In those circumstances one simply has to find something cool and crisp and clean to lay on to clean oneself up. I imagine you do the same on those occasions.

I heard Max say he was off for a quick bite to eat as he had heard two legs saying he was about to repair the wardrobe doors. Now whenever two legs mentions repairing we all take cover. That inevitably means that whatever was intermittently working will from now on give up any semblance of functionality. it also means two legs and my female personal shopper will be arguing and shouting ate ach other about how the thing stopped working and everything else.

Back to this particular morning, Max passed me on his way out of the new wardrobe. For ages now the sliding door had been jammed open by a few inches. Enough for me and Max to slip in and find some nice quiet shut eye time. Now the failure to close properly was going to be "repaired". I was feeling a bit low that morning - I guess it was a mixture of the constant cold weather and a little too much of the cream trifle I had found on the worktop the night before. I needed something to cheer me up so I settled in a corner of the room where the reparations were to take place.

Two legs came armed with ladders, screwdrivers, searchlight, funny looking L shaped keys, glasses and pliers. I felt sure there were going to be problems as he had not got his favourite tool - the hammer!

After a little while and a lot of gruffing and panting there was a clunk and the doors miraculously closed. It was like one of those surreal moments when everything stood still and then his voice called out.

"Done it dear, come and have a look"

Now why anyone would want to come and have a look at a pair of closed doors I do not know. Nonetheless I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Very nice" she said reaching over to open them, "Why don't they open any more?"

I knew it! The repair wouldn't be complete without a catastrophe. Then I thought. Was Max inside there? How lucky I was that I wasn't.

There was more gruffing and climbing of ladders. The searchlight went on and off like a lighthouse.

"Damn! Can't shift them at all!" he pronounced. "Think we need to get a man in"

Now that is always the sign that defeat has finally been acknowledged. It also means the job will not be complete for several weeks. There will be endless discussion about why external support is needed. There will be further discussion about who should be entrusted with the task. Then there will be discussion as to who should ring and make the appointment.

"Always sounds better coming from a  feeble female" was two legs' mantra.

I couldn't be doing with this any more and went in search of Max - I couldn't bear the thought of him starving within the wardrobe. Luckily I found him laid out in front of the fire purring loudly from a full belly of chicken.

As for the wardrobe doors they remain firmly shut to this day. I am concerned that my half eaten vole that I left on the top of the shirt drawer will still be there when the doors eventually re-open.