My Health Check

Now I wonder if you remember me telling you about my helping Percy build his nest and get food for his pregnant wife? You do? You were paying attention - thank you. Well Percy's wife has now hatched her babies - there are two boys and a girl Peter, Perry and Petronella. Percy told me to keep away and stay off night guard duty while the little ones were really little in case they saw me and got frightened. Percy is quite a sage so I did as he said besides he has a ferocious looking beak that if he fell out with you he could probably hurt you.

I decided to have a look the other morning to see if the little ones had grown enough not to be frighted. I went up to my fence bed and quietly called to Percy. He came out looking a bit tired

"What are you after then?" he asked none too pleased to see me

"I wondered how the little ones were doing. Whether I could see them yet and if they needed anything. I feel bad leaving it all to you."

"you are a rum one Cas. Most of your kind would be trying to get in here to have a feed off the little ones and there's you wanting to feed them. Yes go and fetch some worms if you can. Not too big mind; they aren't as big as us yet. I'll ask Penny if you can see them when you come back."

Cor. I was being trusted to go find food for the little ones. I had to do a good job. I jumped down to the vegetable patch and was searching around quite unaware that Barney blackbird was on the other side.

"Changes your eating habits Stumpy?" he called across the patch.

I was so surprised to hear his voice a jumped a bit which he noticed. I told him my mission and that I really wanted to do well to show Percy I could be a good nanny to his offspring. Barney was surprisingly supportive and offered to help too. he dug up three or four juicy worms and laid them out for me. I thanked him and climbed back up to Percy.

"You were quick Cas and a good selection there - well done" He took the worms from me one by one and took them inside the nest opening I could only see his rear end as he was handing them out. He turned and flicked his head beckoning me to look inside. He moved aside and I peered in - In the nest were three tiny baby pigeons trying to devour a worm each. Penny sat with them all around her a juicy work hanging from her beak. What a lovely sight.

Percy told me to get down onto the garden table as he hadn't forgotten my plaque that he was going to clean. I did as he said. He fluttered beside me and put his head in my mouth and started pecking at the back of my teeth. It tickled a bit but was quite pleasant. he work for ages and when he finally stopped I ran my tongue round my teeth and they felt like new. Wow. He was good.

I thanked him and then he said to stop still and he would clean my ears. He started picking all the long dead hairs out. I could hear better and I looked less ragged. He is my bestest ever mate now

I wonder how many cats have their own groom and dentist.

Did You Feel the Earth Move

Oh have I had a turn today?

You know what it's like when the unexpected comes and bites you on the bottom - well it bit me with all fangs deep on my little bottom.

I was taking the airs this morning. I do like to stroll along the fence tops and have a look in the neighbours' gardens. I know the two legs are always on at me to tell them what I see but I am a cat that respects confidences and what goes on in other gardens stays in other gardens. Except for today. My little heart is still pounding away.

I was looking into the new garden some new two legs have made since they moved in and in the corner has been a box with some sacking over it. Max said I should go and investigate one night but after my escapade with Percy and his wife I am less inclined for nocturnal adventures of late.

This morning the box was there and the side was open and all the sacking had been taken off. Well I thought it won't do any harm to pop down and have a look. See what was inside. Then I could wait my moment and tell Max and he would think me a hero again.

I jumped down and made a quick reccie of the area. It looked like the two legs were out. Their car was off the drive and there was no sign of life. I edged nearer the box and smelled that smell of stale green that comes up every so often. I began to think I had made a mistake coming to look. It's strange but other gardens always seem so much more intimidating and you expect something to leap out from every corner. It remained quiet and nothing pounced on me. Eerie.

I moved closer to the box and looked inside. Nothing. What a let down! Just a mouldering old lettuce leaf and loads of straw. I was sorely unimpressed. Then I noticed a couple of rocks by the edge of the grass. They were different from rocks I had seen before - they had this pattern on them. Quite a pretty pattern actually. I thought I would go and see if they were heavy and if not I would take one home with me as a souvenir.

I got up to it and was about to nudge it to test weight when it moved. No I am not imagining it - it moved. I leapt in the air like a gazelle. Then this wizened old head came out of the rock and said.

"What do you want?"

I tell you I was so scared I could have run a mile if my legs had been working.

"I,,, Errr.... Nothing Mr Rock"

"Mr Rock? What's got into you. Terry look at this twerp here."

The other rock moved and a similar wizened head appeared and turned a tiny pair of beady eyes in my direction. "Has it just woken up too?" rock two asked rock one.

"I think it's still asleep. It can't talk. It can't move and it has less brain power than those ants we had for breakfast" asserted rock one.

"I've never met talking rocks before. Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating on the cheese I had for breakfast?"

"We are tortoises and have just come out of hibernation. We sleep all winter to miss the cold weather. You must be from over the fence."

"Yes I'm Casper and I'm two"

"We're Terry and Tommy and we are 107 years old. Let us get on with our foraging please."

I bade them farewell and went home. Talking rocks and so old I guess that's what two legs call old fossils.

No Rest For The Wicked

There i was this morning out in the sun having a lovely early siesta after a night of heavy duty nuisance making when up he starts.

Out comes that noisy machine that eats grass faster then any flock of birds can. On go his boots and I thought. "That's it no more sleep for me"

"Oi" I shouted across the lawn to him. "Can't you do that some other time? I'm just ready for a nap in the sun and you're about to make enough noise to wake the deaf"

"Oh sorry Casper got to be done. Can't have you getting wet bellies when it rains can we?"

Well to be honest a wet belly is no great hardship. It simply means when we come in we get wrapped in the warm fluffy towel and dried off. I tried to reason this with him, but you know what two legs are like. Not a chance they will listen to you.

I wandered indoors intent to at least get some sleep on the duvet provided Max wasn't still deep inside it. I just got settled in a comfy patch with the sun streaming through the window onto me when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Yes she was coming up. And she had the machine with her that sucks everything off the floor.

"Sorry Casper hoovering has to be done. Anyway you should be out in the garden enjoying the sun."

"Yes I know but he's out there cutting everything that moves. No chance to sleep out there!"

"Go and join your Dad he's out there cutting the grass."

"I just told you that! I want to sleep that's all. Let me be or tell me where no-one will be so I can go there"

"Go and find your brothers they are sleeping somewhere. Tell them to get up and enjoy the good weather while it lasts"

I've given up on sleep for today.

My Guard Duty

You remember I told you about how I was asked to be responsible and stand guard for Percy and Penny Pigeon and how it nearly all went to pot because I didn't think I could get out. Well I was brilliant. Percy even said he slept well without having to worry.

I was up in my bush bed above the fence and I did like Percy said - keep your eyes open and shout if anyone comes near.

I saw all sorts of things going on. There were a load of moths flying around those lights that go on when it gets dark. I wanted to get down and chase them but I knew I had an important role to fulfil so I left them to their silliness while I kept sentry duty. Then I saw the big fluffy cat from up the road. he came wandering into the garden and started eating the bread the two legs leave out for the birds. I wanted to get down and fight him and send him away but I stayed put.

Then I got really frighted. A fox came into the garden and started sniffing around. He had some of the bread that was left and then he went over to the bins and nudged one open and put his head inside and started eating and making funny noises. I was as silent as the night itself and just watched. He went away the same way as he had come but with a full stomach.

I saw a spider spin its web right across from the glasshouse to the rose bushes and he sat right in the middle of it until one of the moths strayed from the silly game in the lights and got tangled in the web. The spider shot out and wrapped up his prey and went back to his waiting game. I guess he was on duty like me.

Then I saw the lights come up over the fence and the birds started singing and I guessed it was time to see if Percy was awake. I stretched up and peered into his nest. it was very cosy looking and Percy and his wife were nestled side by side gently cooing to each other in their sleep. It was a lovely sight.

I heard the French doors open and heard two legs call for me. I called in to Percy. He opened an eye and looked startled to see me peering at him.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"Time for me to go. The two legs are up and calling me. They'll come looking if I don't go. They might find you."

"Oh OK good thinking matey. Good job done there last night. Come back and I'll do that plaque for you. Don't forget. You don't want to lose your teeth!"

I thanked him and ran down the fence and jumped down to meet two legs.

"Good boy Casper, Where have you been? Sorry to leave you out for so long but we need our beauty sleep. I suppose you've been asleep in the bush have you?"

Little did he know how wrong he was. I slept nearly all day. Just time to have my tuna and cream.

It's tiring being a super hero.

My Dentist

I was having a quiet doze on my bed up in the bush next to the fence when I was awaken by this noise that sounded like an unoiled rotor. I opened one eye and saw this huge pigeon disappear into the conifer tree and a moment later re-appear and fly off with the squeaking noise of those unoiled wings. he hadn't gone very far when a low cooing came from the tree. Someone was in trouble or in pain or both. I stretched up to have a look.

The unoiled wings sounded again and a huge body was on the branch just above me.

"You touch one feather on me or my family and I have your eyes out. Comprendez?"

"Yes sir I do but I wasn't going to hurt anyone. I thought someone was in pain. I was going to see if I could help." I blurted in defence.

"Hello Perce. How are you doing? Haven't seen you in a while" Max's voice came from over my shoulder. I hadn't seen him come up. "It's OK this is the young one you met last year. He's grown but he's one of us. No danger to you."

"Right only the missus is pregnant and we thought there were two and now we find there's three so I am having to build an extension to the nest plus feed her and build reserves for the little ones when they arrive. Any time now."

"Let me help" I broke in. "I can fetch you sticks for the nest"

"OK." said Percy "I could use a rest"

I shot down the fence and picked up a stick and carried it back up.

"What's that? How the Heck do I get half a tree in there for the nest. Leave it alone. I'll do it. I need tiny twigs stupid."

Whether Max made one of his signs to him or whether Percy noticed my hurt look and the tear welling in my eye, his voice softened. "Try again and go for the smaller twigs. You weren't to know"

I climbed back down and rummaged in the rubbish heap and found some nice soft twigs and carried them back up. My mouth was covered in dirt and they tasted horrible.

"Thanks that's so much better. You're a fast learner. What's his name?" he asked of Max. Why he couldn't ask me I don't know. Max told him.

I got three more lots and Percy was very grateful.

"Here let me clean you up" he said and with that he started cleaning my whiskers running his beak and tiny tongue along them. It felt really nice. "Got dirt in your teeth?" he asked. I nodded

He told me to open my mouth wide and he started putting his head inside and pecking away at the dirt around my teeth. It seemed odd having a bird's head in my mouth. "Oh you got some plaque there son. I'll do that for you once I've fed Penny."

"Thank you but can I help get the food. I've got some tuna indoors and some fresh cream."

"Very nice of you son, but no good to us. Penny wants fresh worms. You can go and get some from where the two legs were digging earlier."

Worms I thought. Oh well. Down I climbed and started rummaging through the soil they had recently turned over. I found three big ones and put them in my mouth and carried them back up to Percy and Max. Percy took one out of my mouth and fluttered into the tree to feed his wife. The worms were wriggling about in my mouth and tasted all slimy. Ugh! In a moment he was back and took the second worm and disappeared again. The third fellow decided to try and escape down my throat I was gagging.

"Open wide. head forward and belch!" ordered Percy

I did and Percy's head shot inside my mouth and I felt him grab something right at the back of my throat. He pulled the offending worm out and fluttered in to his wife.

"Thanks" he said re-appearing shortly after. "Do you want to help with the night watch?"

"Yes please" I answered not knowing what he meant.

"Be here at 2 in the morning and you can watch from then till 6 OK?"

"But I can't get out."

"Use the cat flap"

"Haven't got one" I could see the despair in his eyes. "Wait, I can jump from the bathroom window onto the bins and down. Then when the shift is done I can hide under the barbecue until they open up in the morning. I'll be here"

"Don't forget then" urged Percy.

That night I slept fitfully until 1:45 when I stealthily made my way to the bathroom. I jumped up onto the window sill and looked out. The bins seemed further away than I though. Could I land on them. Would I get hurt. I was shaking and knocked a deodorant spray over.

I heard two legs coming. "What are you doing Casper? Don't jump out there you'll break your neck" and he closed the window locked shut. I felt a failure. My first mission to help Percy and I had failed.

Two legs looked at my sad face. "Did you want to go out to do your business? Come on then" and he went downstairs with me trotting alongside."

He went straight to the French doors and opened them. "I'll wait for you. Be quick" he urged.

I turned and looked dejectedly at him.

"Oh sorry you want your privacy. I'll lock up so you'll be out until morning OK?"

I purred loudly.

He went back upstairs. I ran across the garden and up the fence just in time to hear Percy's call.

"Bang on time lad. Good show. Now keep an eye out for anyone coming near. Me and the missus are off to sleep. Stay awake!"

I am on guard duty - wow!!!!

They've Stolen Time

I was having a lovely nap this morning. I was in the middle of this field of plants where all the tuna you could ever want grew and the farmer kept coming over and watering it with cream because he said there was a water shortage and I was eating and drinking as fast as he could sow and pour. It was the nicest dream I could have had when all of a sudden>

"Come on Casper. Time to get up and out in the garden please!"

"Steady on old chap. It's not 6 o'clock yet. I haven't even been up to lick your face and besides there's a fresh can of cream coming any second."

"Come on. Clocks have gone forward so no time to lay a bed!"

Whatever was he talking about? Where could the clocks have gone and what had that got to do with me? I might not wear a watch but I know when it's food time, or sleep time or play time or - my favourite of all - annoy the two legs time. Right now was dream of food time.

He was off downstairs and I heard the doors open and next thing Sebastian was making his way downstairs too closely followed by Max who was taking it all as if nothing had changed.

"What's the problem?" I asked Sebastian anxious not too distract him from his descent of the stairs. I sometimes watch him going down and expect him to roll head over heels down the stairs but he somehow keeps his balance despite his body being at a really strange angle.

"Clocks gone forward" he replied nearly missing his footing and sliding precariously close to the edge of the stair.

I races past him and into the study. There is a clock on the wall there which seems a very accurate timepiece as they always refer to it when they are going anywhere. It said past seven o'clock. Not right. It was still six I know - my tummy tells me when to get up.

I went into the kitchen where Sebastian was waiting by his bowl. Max was inspecting an imaginary spot half way up the wall and two legs was standing in a trance yawning.

I heard people outside and I realised someone had taken an hour away from me while I had been dreaming of that field of tuna. If you see someone with an extra hour in their pocket would you ask them to bring it back to me please.

I need my time.

Spider Spider

I like it when the two legs go to bed and we have the run of the house and we get to play with all the folks who come out at night.

Before they had a wooden floor all downstairs and we used to play with Sidney Spider and all his family - there were hundreds of them. But then the two legs had this carpet put down and Sidney and his family were trapped under it and couldn't get out to play. I used to hear them calling to us at night saying they were trapped under all the carpet.

Eventually they managed to get through a tiny gap between the wall and the carpet but that was when they needed my help. You see the lady two legs heard this story that spiders don't like conkers. Now I can understand that in part because although they have eight legs they don't have proper paws to hold the conkers with and they couldn't get a good swing because they are too close to the ground.

Sidney put a different light on it. Apparently the word in the spider world is that if they enter a place where there are conkers present, either in their shell or out of it, then the spider will have minutes to live.

Sidney popped up the other night and asked me to go and check for conkers. I found one and sat on it as Sidney and some of his family went by. I knew there was another one in the lounge where they were headed in search of a miscreant fly who had strayed indoors when the door was opened for us earlier in the day. I like Sidney and his family and didn't want them to move home so it was important I got to the conker before they did. I tapped the one I had been sitting on into my pile of toys where it would not be seen too readily and shot between the family as they headed for the lounge - they move fast and they have eyes all round. Sidney told me they have 8 eyes - one in each knee. I don't know if he was being serious but that is kind of awesome.

Anyway I dived in front of them and got to where I knew the conker was hidden and laid down on it. Ouch! It was still in its case and it pricked me hard in the bum.

"Problem?" asked Sidney noticing my discomfort.

"No no just a twinge of cramp - getting older now you know" I lied.

Sidney was straight up the lounge curtains and spun a web across to the sideboard to trap the fly. In seconds the fly was in the web and Sidney and his family moved in like an army unit to remove the fly and carry it back to their underground lair. I kept perfectly still until the last one had disappeared back under the carpet.

I got up and let out a little yelp. My bottom was very sore.