I've Been Bullied

The sun was out today so I went for an easy stroll before breakfast and caught the early morning rays - life felt very pleasant.

As I was returning back to the house for a tray of tuna, I noticed the bread had just been put out for the birds and I thought a nice crusty piece of wholemeal would be the perfect apetiser. I wandered over to partake and was still musing on the warmth of the sun when this horrendous squawk came into my ear. I immediately jumped on the defensive.

It was Sidney the Seagull and he had taken exception to my helping myself to his breakfast.

"Do I come into your place and eat your breakfast?" he screamed at me.

"Well no but I only was going to have a small nibble before I went indoors. I wasn't going to eat it all"

"Then there's your two brothers, they'd be out here having a small nibble and before you know it all the food has gone and I go back to my family with no food and they starve. I might even starve before I got back to them. All so you can have a small nibble before you go indoors. Selfish little thing that you are!"

"I'm truly sorry I didn't think like that. I just fancied some roughage before breakfast. It's important for us to keep regular you know."

"Oh yes you first again. never mind whether me and the family are regular or not, Never mind whether we starve or not. Just so long as Mr High and Mighty has what he wants. Listen Buster in this world you have to look after your mates or you find your mates aren't looking after you. Just think on that next time you fancy having someone else's roughage."

"Yes you're right. I was thoughtless. I am young so blame it on inexperience. I won't do it again"

"I shall be watching you."

And he swooped onto two pieces of bread and soared off into the sky.

I felt devilment rise in me and I snatched a piece of bread and ran indoors with it. trouble was it wasn't crusty. It was all soggy from the rain yesterday. Guess I shouldn't have been greedy after all.

I don't think Sidney saw me though.

Rain Makes Puddles Make Trouble

Now here's a funny thing.

I have been going outside for a nice roll in the dust. The sun gets through to all my body and the dust works as a kind of abrasive to tone up my skin. When I come in my personal groomers take me to one side and brush and comb me with all those soft silly words I was telling you about and I feel quite refreshed and ready for the hard day ahead.

Well I went out the other morning and someone had left the shower tap on and there was rain everywhere. I thought it was a bit careless when they all say there is a shortage of water - I must say there is never a shortage of water in my bowl nor cream for that matter. Anyway never being one to cause a fuss or trouble I carried on about my business ignoring the shower tap although I did wonder why the two legs would put the shower int he garden when they usually went into that snug little cubicle box next to the bath. I am rather partial to that bath because if you jump in there unexpectedly you can often find Sid the Spider sitting in there. He jumps so high when I jump in it is really funny, then he gets all grumpy and tells me to let him know when I am coming.

That aside I thought I'd have my usual roll in the dust and over I went. Guess what? Someone had taken the dust away and left it as mud. That was even better. The mud got all over my coat and I knew it would do my complexion the world of good. I rolled about and got lovely and covered in it. I thought it would be good to then stand under the shower - the one the two legs hadn't turned off - and get clean. It had stopped raining!

I thought about it and decided to go indoors again. There was no-one about so I decided to dry myself rather than wait for them. I couldn't find the towel so I jumped on the settee and rolled on that. Max said I was asking for trouble. What a silly expression - as if I would actually ask for trouble. trouble finds me without me going to ask!

Sure enough within a couple of seconds of Max's words in came the two legs and shrieked and chased me into the kitchen. I did get a rub down in the big warm fluffy towel but I also got banished from the settee for two weeks. All because they left the shower tap on - well I think they did.

Who Is This Cruft's Guy?

Now I have got a real complaint about my two legs. You remember I told you they've got this TV box in the corner and they keep all sorts of other two legs in it and they have planes and ships and cars and all sorts of stuff in it well they shocked me the other night. I was laying in front of the fire on the rug next to Max listening to Sebastian snoring in the corner and I was having one of those lovely awake dreams. I was in this wonderful warm bed with lots of soft fluffy pillows and this lovely female cat dressed in a maid's uniform was bringing me fresh tuna and peeling it into bite size pieces for me while this other one kept pouring little sips of cream for me and they kept telling me how I mustn't do anything to overtax myself. I was very happy and then I heard this barking noise from the TV box. I looked up and there were all these DOGS in there! Running around with their two legs running through obstacles and laying down and waiting to be whistled before they moved. They looked and behaved so sillily I nudged Max and he opened one eye - looked at the screen and raised his eyes upwards in a signal that it was more rubbish that two legs like to watch. I heard this voice in the TV box say "And this year's supreme champion of Cruft's is Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian and he wins a years supply of feed and a rosette and money!" I was incensed. There was this dog in my TV box taking a year's worth of food. What were Max Sebastian and I to do while this Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian made off with our food. We had to starve for a whole year. I wasn;t having this. I jumped at the screen and tried to attack Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian but he just stood there all smug and statuesque. You wait I shall find him and get out food back. I'm not about to let my brothers starve.

What's With Beer

I thought I had been poisoned today. You see the two legs had some friends round and they had drinks. Now the strange thing with two legs is they don't drink out of bowls like we do. They either pour their drink into a glass thing and then try to put their tongues in it to lap it up or they take the bottle and rink from that. My Mum always told me it was rude to drink out of a bottle and I always took note of what she said - she taught me a lot when I was young. Well the two legs had various bottles about and they poured drinks into glasses and set about lapping it up. I was watching from behind the settee and I saw some interesting colours go into the glasses, There were reds and browns and pinks and some clear stuff which looked like water. Well after a while the other two legs went home and my pair decided to go to bed and leave the glasses and stuff until thee morning. I couldn't resist could I? There were several glasses with different drinks of different colours in them and I had a little taste. The pinks and reds tasted kinda funny but I didn't mind them too much. Then I went to a brown one. It was vile. It was fizzy and went up my nose for starters and made me sneeze. Then I tasted it and it was pure poison. I reckon it was someone's boots being washed that made it brown but how they drink that I do not know. I told Max what I had done and he said I would have a headache in the morning and he is right I can feel it already and the room keeps turning round. Luckily I got into my bed and I haven't got to get up until they stop the spinning. I think I might be less inquisitive next time.

Brush & Comb Please

You know I have been wondering if there was something wrong with me.

Every day the two legs get the brush and comb out and groom Max and Sebastian and while they are doing it they tell them what good boys they are and then they give them treats. Makes me feel quite nauseous all that cooing and nicey nicey stuff. They tried it on me when I was younger and I quickly told them No thank you - in fact I managed to catch them on the wrist with my claws and they didn't bother me again.

Every week an older two legs comes in and he gets on the floor with Max and Sebastian and goes through a similar ritual with them - all the grooming but none of the cooing and stuff. I thought I'd have a see what it was all about this week,

I went to him while he was doing Sebastian and he simply said to wait my turn. That seemed fair enough to me so I watched and waited. He was pretty gentle but he got the tangles out of Sebastian's coat and Sebastian was purring away so he clearly enjoyed it. I was just about to go forward for my turn when Max wandered in and went straight up and was brushed - no comb I noticed. I thought oh well another one who isn't going to do me and I was just about to walk off when I was summonsed to his presence.

I thought I'd give it a go and he was very experienced. He brushed me firmly but not hard and then he ran the comb over me - I wasn't too keen on that but he sensed it and said he wouldn't do it.

I must admit it made my coat feel very nice and refreshed and I turned round and rubbed him on the nose to thank him. he was quite excited. After a while he was sitting on the settee and I jumped up and laid down beside him and let him stroke me. I reserve that right to only a very chosen few. He earned it.

I think I might become a regular client of his. Max says he is good but doesn't give out treats - I'm not keen on them anyway as I like to watch my weight.

Thunder & Lightning Rules

Hey did you see all that in the sky earlier on?

Wow it was like a giant firework party. the two legs had gone out to see some sort of musical show and I thought they had sent it back for us to see and hear. First of all, all the lights went down and it was dark and kinda scary. Then this flash came and lit up the sky and then there was this rolling drum beat. It got closer and closer and louder and louder and the flashed got more and more bright.

I asked Seb about it and he said to leave it alone and to leave him alone because he needed to get some sleep in before the two legs got back and he would have to wake up to be fed. I went to look for Max who is very knowledgeable about everything and found him deeply buried inside the duvet. I peeped inside and asked if we could chat. he simply said No. I looked a bit longer than perhaps I should have done and I saw that he was shaking. I expect he was feeling extra cold - he wouldn't have been scared would he?

I went back and sat on my play station looking out the window and watching the rain and these great bog streaks of light. Sebastian called up from his bed and said to get down in case I had anything metal about my person. I asked why and he just said not to be so inquisitive. It's not fair being young - you don't know some things and nobody bothers to tell you.

Oh well the sun is out again now so I am off for a quick laze under the lavender bush

Party Time

The other night we decided to have a party after the two legs had gone to bed. I didn't realise how much organising it would take but we put our heads together (well not literally) and Max and Sebastian had a bit more experience than me so we worked as a team - that's kinda cool really. First we had to make sure we had food. I suggested that we hide up our supper time ham and chicken slices and keep them for the party. Sebastian wasn't very keen on this as he said he may faint from starvation if he didn't have his supper. We persuaded him to try and I also had a little scheme with Max that we would create a diversion and try to get an extra couple of slices. When it came to drinks I knew we were alright for water as that is always kept fresh and topped up but I wanted some cream as well so again Max and I worked a diversion plan. When the two legs give me my supper cream, they always get the pot out of the fridge and pour me a bit in a saucer. I told Max to start scratching the furniture so they would tell him off and while they were distracted I would push the pot behind the toaster and with luck they would forget about it. It's funny but two legs can be easily distracted when you try. That worked well so we had our food and our drinks. I had sent invitations to Louie and to Bluebelle to come and they had both said yes. I knew the next problem would be getting them in as there is no cat flap here like when we go to Bluebelle's house for a party. I made sure the two legs left the bathroom window open - they always do. I managed to unhook the catch and open it wider, but there was still a huge way down to the ground and I was still not sure of the girls would get in. Just on time I heard Bluebelle tinkle outside and I went to the bathroom window and called her up. She looked up at me and wasn't sure but then she gathered her might and leapt up onto the fence and climbed onto the wheelie bin for extra balance. She looked up and made a huge leap and there she was on the bathroom window sill. I ushered her in and waited for Louie. She came a few minutes later and after a little bit of encouragement from me managed the leap with the same grace and skill as Bluebelle (my sister is sporty like me - we could have been Olympic athletes you know). Max and Sebastian were really happy to have company and they acted as the perfect hosts. I found some toys to play with and the girls had fun and then we had the chicken and ham and they thought that was really awesome, but I really came up trumps when I brought the cream into light and - with a bit of help from Max - managed to tip the pot so we got some in the saucer and the girls lapped it up. All too soon they said they had to go and they went to the window and made the reverse leap of faith onto the bins and made their way home. Max and I set about clearing up and were feeling really pleased with our effort. Sebastian was in the corner fast asleep but he did enjoy himself.