I've Been Humiliated

I was laying in my tunnel in the garden this afternoon enjoying a bit of sun when Sebastian came out and laid by the bird table. I asked him what he was doing and he just said he was getting some fresh air before the storm. I looked up and the sky was blue. Silly Sebastian I thought no storm today.

We were both distracted by a little great tit who flew in to the bird table and started eating the fat slab hanging there, Actually he is welcome to it. I had some that had fallen off once and it was horrible.

He had just got settled in for a feed when Sidney starling flew in with his family and made a direct line for the same slab. The poor little great tit had to fly off for safety with the marauding starling family in residence. Sebastian decided to do the decent thing and moved towards the starlings who at once began chattering to each other and flew off in a huff. The little great tit flew onto the hanging basket to see if it was safe to return. He was just out of my line of vision. All of a sudden I felt a sharp pain in my back and heard his little squawk as he landed on the tunnel slipped on the cloth and went through the hole in the top and onto my coat.

I was shocked and didn't realise what had happened so I ran indoors very quickly crying for my hurting back. Sebastian lumbered in behind me laughing like a drain - not sure quite how a drain laughs but I am sure you understand that. I thought that was bad but as I made for my biscuits I saw two legs sitting there looking out the window having watched my every move.

"Cowardy, cowardy custard!" he taunted me.

That was not necessary.

Anyway why do they call such a  tiny little bird as that a great tit unless it is because it has the sharpest claws in the whole of the bird kingdom. I know it does my back is still sore.

Ants In Your Pants

I was out the other morning and I met Ant as I told you.

I saw him and his tribe again yesterday and I called out to him and asked how he was.

"I'm not Ant - I'm Dec " he replied

"How can I tell you apart?"

"Ant always goes on the left and I go on the right - easy!"

"But what about like now when there's no-one either side of you? What about if someone else goes to your left?"

"We know who we are so what's the problem?"

I went indoors and had a think about him and his huge family and how I never knew who was who. Then it hit me! Tiny name badges! I thought if I charge them a penny a go they would all know who they were and I would be rich. I worked it out. By lunch time I would be a millionaire, by tea time I would be a billionaire and by supper I would be richer than that Branson fellow who flies balloons and planes and stuff. I could buy anything I wanted and I could sack my personal shoppers and live in luxury for ever. Wow a simple idea like that and I was rich. I set about making some tiny name badges. I couldn't write the names that small at first and then I remembered I had seen old two legs reading his book with a piece of glass that made the words large.

I found the glass and set about the names. I thought fro a sample I would do simple names and then we could go into full production once I had got the orders flowing.

Max said I was silly and went back to sleep. Sebastian didn't even bother to wake up. Too bad they wouldn't share my billions when I was sailing my balloons - do you sail balloons?

I went outside with my samples and waited for the ant army to come back.

"I've solved your problem!" I called as they came into view.

"Didn't know we had one"

"Look I've made name badges for you and everyone will know who you are from now on."

"Clever! and how are we going to wear them?"

A slight oversight in my planning. "Well you could carry them and raise them when someone comes;"

"Very smart and we can no longer use our hands and feet!"

"I know we can pin them on like the female two legs does with her jewellery and stuff"

"Very clever. Stick a pin through us and skewer our spleen, heart and lungs. Are you a mass murderer or something?"

The army passed by.

I realised I was not cut out to be an entrepreneur and the millions would have to wait until after tea time.

Is It Spring?

I think it must be Spring when the two legs do all that Spring cleaning you hear about.

I was taking my stroll of the estate yesterday when I saw a sight to worry me. The two legs were dressing up in all their gardening gear - boots, gloves, shabby clothes (well shabbier than normal!!) and off the went. She was taking all these little baby plants and putting them in out the front. Now that is nice because there is nothing better than digging up freshly turned soil when we want a bit of exercise.

I was concerned with what he was doing though. He went down the back of the glass house and started throwing things out onto the lawn. there were buckets and canes and bowls and pots of all sizes and loads of that bubble wrap stuff that you sit on and it pops. When I first burst one of those bubbles I was a bit scared but now it's fun especially if you do it when no-one knows and they thing it is something exploding.

I saw he was then going through each bucket and checking for holes and putting them to one side. I thought he could manage that without my help so I laid down in the sun for a little nap. it was very warm. When I woke up there were loads of buckets being moved to the wheelie bin area and the grass was crawling with slugs and snails and spiders. He had disturbed all their homes and made them homeless. I spoke to a couple of spiders as they hurried away in search of new lodgings.

"Typical isn't it" moaned the big black hairy one leading the exodus "Just get yourself settled in and along they come and turf you out. At least he didn't stamp on us like a lot do. Be up the bath plug-hole now to scare them! And take that silly thing off your head!"

I wondered what he was talking about until I felt a slimey trail form on my forehead. I shook my head a bit and this snail dropped down in front of me.

"Suppose you aren't offering a home for me then?" he asked

"Not likely!" I relied tempted to stamp on him like the spider had suggested. Ugh! I had to get Max to give me a good wash when I got back indoors.

Visitors

Would you believe it.

I was having a nap on the duvet this afternoon when I heard two legs coming up the stairs puffing and panting and talking to himself. Well I thought he was talking to himself - turned out he was talking to Sebastian who he was carrying up stairs, hence the puffing. I lay there and wondered whether Seb had had some kind of mishap and was having to be carried. If I hadn't been quite so comfortable I would have gotten up and had a look. There was my mistake.

Next thing I saw them pass by the door to my bedroom and he laid Sebastian on the bed and gave him a few words about being good and not climbing out the window. Sebastian climbing out the window - do me a favour! That's like seeing pigs fly past your window every day for a month.

I then twigged something was amiss and was about to get up when two legs was at the door peering in at me.

"Good lad, Casper. Have a sleep and I'll see you shortly."

Have a sleep? I had been asleep for the last hour or so and he was clattering about the house waking me up and then telling me to sleep. Crazy! Anyway before I had time to argue the point the door was closed on me. I knew something was up then.

I called to Max and he replied from the garage where he was having a nap on the back seat of the car. I told him to get up and run. Too late as I spoke I heard the garage door close and the key turn. Max was a prisoner too.

Then I heard it. A car pulled up and two dogs started yelping and barking. The front door opened and they were in my house. I couldn't even consult with my brothers, we had been separated either intentionally or not.

I heard them go out into the garden and I climbed onto the window sill and looked out. There they were running about my garden, playing with my toys and sniffing my plants. I told Max. We cats have very acute hearing and we can communicate over great distances. We don't need those telephones and things the two legs use. Our voices are powerful and at a high frequency.

Max said he could see them too as he was standing on the roof of the car looking through the garage door window. Sebastian said he didn't care either way as the bed was comfortable and he hadn't had to climb the stairs to get there!

It seemed forever before the two legs came and released us from our captivity and we all went to investigate - even Sebastian. He was relieved he had left a half eaten piece of liver in the downstairs loo and it was still there. he finished that up in a moment.

On checking everything seemed to be in order so I guess the inconvenience of internment for a period wasn't too bad.

Can't Do Right For Wrong

There are times when I think the two legs like to pick on us felines and tell us off no matter what we do.

There was I this morning having a post breakfast wash and clean before taking 40 winks on the window sill and out he comes, brushes and comb in hand.

"Casper!" he calls so half the neighbourhood can hear him "Time for a nice brush and comb before you have your de-fleaing drop."

I mean is that something you would want broadcast across the area? It's bad enough that he chooses to brush and comb me when I could be doing other things but to announce it at full volume and then to tell everyone that I have fleas! I mean that is the last straw.

I thought about going off in a huff but I knew he would just continue shouting until even the people up at Tesco heard him so I made my way over to him and laid down for the customary brush and comb. I even turned over to let him do the other side when he asked. I thought if I was compliant I might escape the dreaded flea drop.

When he had finished I got up and went outside and was impressed by the heat in the early morning sun. Max would like this but before I could go in and tell him I saw that he too was having the brush and comb treatment. I saw a lovely piece of sun drenched concrete and decided to have a full stretch on it and laid out rolling over and over feeling the heat burn deep into my bones - it was bliss.

"Oi Casper! I've just brushed you and now you are rolling in all the filth imaginable. get back here for a second go"

I checked and I was sure the check-out girls at Tesco were now fully aware of what I was doing. I rolled over to go in to see him and to my astonishment she came up behind me and squirted me with the flea drop. It stunk and was so cold on my neck I yelped.

That's it last time I go along with their silly ideas and get caught.

My New Bestest Friend

There was me thinking that I never get to meet any new friends and all of a sudden I've got a new bestest friend.

This little cat - he's much younger than me - has just moved into the neighbourhood and he has his own personal shopper and two legged carer. I was strolling out the other day when I saw him in his garden. he was a bit wary at first and dived back indoors to find his two legs and get support. I'm not afraid of any two legs so I just jumped down into their garden and started sniffing their plants and things. It actually smelt very different to my estate but I expect that's because they grow different things.

Anyway I was having a sniff at a strange looking bush when this little fellow came back out and came over to me.

"Excuse me but who are you and why are you in my garden?" he asked very politely. In fact it was just a bit too politely for my liking.

"Casper here. Pleased to meet you. You're new. Thought I'd come and see what you do here"

"Oh very decent of you Mr Casper; I'm Henry. I'm nearly 4 months old you know. Where do you live?"

4 months old! I remember when I was that age -seems like a lifetime ago now but this fellow was attacking life wide eyed and innocent, just like I had at his age - or had I? Difficult to remember and sort out fact from fiction as the days and weeks rumble on by. I thought of Max and Sebastian and all the weeks and months and years that had rumbled by them. No wonder they sleep a lot now.

I told Henry where I lived and about my brothers and he seemed genuinely interested.

"I don't know anybody here." he bemoaned "You see my carers have only just started to let me out of the house and then they put butter on my feet and I have to keep stopping and licking it off and that makes me thirsty and then I have to go and find something to drink and that makes me want to pee and I never know where you can and can't pee these days."

"Whoa Henry! Stop. Draw breath mate. Take my tip just walk on their carpet with your buttered paws. That soon stops them putting it on again. Now if you need a pee have one wherever you are. There's no law about where we can pee. I like to pee in my neighbour's garden. Max pees in the lavender bush. Sebastian pees wherever he is."

"Gosh you're so wise Mr Casper. Will I ever be able to be as wise as you. You must be like a million years old."

I know he meant it well but a million years old? That's pushing your luck a bit isn't it?

So we had a bit more of a chat and I went home vowing to meet up with him next day. That evening when I was indoors with the female two legs there was a rat-a-tat-tat on the French windows. She jumped and I went behind the curtains to see and there was Henry. he'd come to look for me and ask if we could go out. Seems he has got a cat flap in his door now and can come and go as he pleases.

I declined for the time being - I was bushed. We will go out another night. Nice to have friends.

Little Things

I was out have a stretch in a welcome bit of sun the other morning when a family of ants came by and were in a  hurry to go somewhere. I recognised the male straight away and greeted him in my usual friendly manner.

"Hello Ant" I said fairly softly. Ants have very acute hearing and don't like it if you shout at them as it hurts their eardrums so I am always softly spoken with them.

"I'm not Ant, stupid" he replied in his funny accent. "I'm Dec. Can't you tell the difference between us?"

"Well to be honest - no. You see you all look alike to me. No offence or anything but there are rather a lot of you."

"Typical. An ant is an ant to you. No personality. No feelings just an ant. Bet you put your great big paws on us and crush us without another thought. We have rights too you know. How would you like it if we came strolling along and walked on you just when you were off to feed the family. There's 40,000 of us living in out house and you can't be bothered to know who we are"

His antennae waved in disgust and his family came surging by and I could feel them all tutting and tossing their heads as they passed me. I felt very bad.

I asked Max later if he knew all the names of the ants in the garden and he just said he knew the names of those he was friendly with and didn't bother with the rest. I don't know whether that's a good thing or a bad thing but it seemed to suit Max.

Sebastian said he didn't know anyone's name any more and he didn't mind what anyone called him so long as they didn't call him late for dinner. I said that would be a very silly name to call anyone and he just went back to sleep.

There are times when I think I have to do everything by myself, so I have asked every ant that comes by to leave a picture of himself or herself along with their name and I will memorise it so I don't make that mistake again.

I'm away studying now.

I'm Getting High!

What a night I had the other night. You see the two legs opposite me were having something done to their house. They got all this iron and wood and built up a super climbing frame up the side of the house and then some more two legs came and climbed up the iron and went on the roof and were playing with that plaster stuff up there. They seemed to be having a good time so I said to Max and Sebastian how about us going up there after the two legs had gone.

Sebastian said he had vertigo and Max said he shouldn't go climbing with his "condition" so I decided to go it alone. I knew Louie was in the house and I thought she might come and join me but she didn't as it happened.

So when it was nice and quiet I set out and climbed up the first couple of levels of this scaffolding and walked along the planks the two legs had put down. It was quite exciting and I looked down and I was higher up than the fence that I was always told marked the end of the world. It doesn't actually because I climbed up it and found there were just more gardens and stuff over the other side,

So I kept climbing and finally got to the tricky bit where I had to take a leap of faith and jump from the last board up onto the roof. Now the roof is all sloping and has tiles on it so i wasn't sure if it might be slippy like the roof on the glass house where I slide down. Anyway I was there so I took a chance and wow there I was.

It was like being on top of the world looking down on everything. I could see all the houses and their gardens and I could see two little dots in my garden which were Max and Sebastian watching me. Wow was that cool! I walked along the topmost bit and put my paw up to touch the sky. I couldn't quite reach it to be honest but Max said afterwards I had and asked if the sky was cold. I told him it was - I know it was a fib but it was only a little one and Max seemed happy.

I thought I might do that every night but the two legs came the next day and broke all the poles and put them on a lorry and took them away.Shame because I really enjoyed that trip

Weirder and Weirder

You know we were talking about those funny things the two legs say, well how about this. The other night I was feeling particularly playful and I arranged the furniture so that I could manage to run in from the kitchen, leap onto the settee bounce of onto the coffee table and slide along that on the silly runner thing she puts out. Then I could land on the squidgy pouffee and leap onto the playstation (my one not the one that they play with all those people on the TV box with) and climb the curtains to the top rail. I knock the end holder off and make it hit the radiator with a crash.

I was having several goes to make sure I had got everything just right before I called Max and Sebastian in to witness my attempt at a Guinness World Record. I had just had my third go and was recovering from an unfortunate over-zealous slide off the mat where I crashed into the video recorder and accidentally set a recording of Me and My Dog in motion.

"You're full of beans tonight Casper aren't you!" cried out two legs. Never mind how are you? never mind did that hurt? Never mind would you like some tuna and cream to get you over the shock? No just you're full of beans!

I thought how silly. If I was full of beans or anything else for that matter would I be running about jumping and setting new world records. If I was full of beans I would be asleep in my bed dreaming lovely dreams of tuna ice cream. Besides how can you actually be full of beans. I mean beans are small so you must always have room for another one however full you think you are.

Has anyone ever tried it. I mean eating beans until there was no room for not even one tiny little bean? I don't think so and as for me I never eat beans anyway - they always give me a bit of wind so I steer clear of them. That made the remark even sillier. I was going to take him to task on it but I noticed he had switched over channels on his TV box and was watching some little two legs running about playing that football game again. I know better than to interrupt him with an intellectual discussion when he is watching them.

I shall just have to remember to tell Max about the silliness.

Mouse? - You Must be Joking

Now would you believe it. I have been writing to you for ages and telling you what's a foot on the big computer and suddenly I changed to use the laptop. Max comes in and says.

"Where's the mouse gone?"

I was frantic. A mouse loose in the house. As the junior member of the feline fraternity in the house it is my role to dispose of all the unwelcome guests that come in - spiders flies, moths, wasps, butterflies and of course mice. Here's Max telling me that there's one running about the house and he's lost sight of it. We have an understanding. the older brothers watch and alert me whenever something enters. They track it like radar and guide me to it for my own disposal methods.

"Where did you last see it?" I asked trying to keep the excitement out of my voice. I love the thrill of the chase especially if the two legs know what's going on and see me remove the offending creature. What I don't like is when the two legs find the creature first and summons me to do my duty telling me that I should be more vigilant.

"It was in your paw and now it's gone"

Poor old Max. He must be getting a bit confused again. I hadn't had a mouse in my paws for weeks now. The last one I had was a charming little fellow I met in the field one Sunday afternoon and he was desperate to get back to the farmer's barn but had lost his way. Luckily I knew which farm he meant and I gave him a lift out of the field onto the path that leads right up to the farmers barn. he was very grateful to me. The mouse I mean not the farmer.

I smiled at Max and told him the story.

"You are dim Casper. I'm talking about the mouse on the computer. It's gone!"

I realised what he meant and showed him the paw pad they have on the laptops just for me. Max was impressed but then again he is a bit anti-technology.

"What will they think of next?" he mused before wandering off to the window sill for a quick top up of his tan.

Copy Cat

You are not to look at the picture. It's got some of my naughty bits in it. I didn't mean it. It was Max's fault. Max and his silly language stuff.

You see we were talking and he said that Sebastian was a bit of a copy cat. I didn't ask him what that meant as I knew. And Max never corrected me so it can't be my fault can it?

You see I've seen two legs use his copier thing to get copies of pieces of paper. I often wonder why they don't put that paper money of theirs under it and copy that. then they wouldn't have to always tell me there's no money left for my tuna and cream. I really think us cats have the world economy sorted with a few copiers and our magnificent brain power.

Anyway I knew what Max meant and I went to the copier and lifted the lid and sat on it. That glass is a bit cold but I have always been one to suffer for art. I pushed the button and a bright light travelled the width of the screen eluminating my bottom. That was when I had my first thought that something might not be quite right but I carried on. The machine whirred and cranked and I sat perfectly still. Then a piece of paper started to come out from under me.

You can see from the picture what it was. there on display was all my under-carriage.

Max came in and asked what the devil I was doing

I said I was being a copy-cat and he tutted and walked out.

Any idea what I can do with an embarrassing picture?

Busy Doing Nothing

Am I incensed today!

I was going about my business as usual taking a short cut run across the furniture to get to the play station when I remembered I had left some unfinished tuna on the kitchen work-top so in mid flight I did an about turn and retraced my steps across the settee and armchair , over the coffee table (OK so I knocked off a cup of coffee but it shouldn't have been there!) and back to the kitchen.

"What's the matter with that cat?" shouted two legs "He's always in a tear coat hurry."

Now there's a stupid statement if somebody tore their coat they would have to go to the vet man to have it stitched back together so there would be no hurry involved in that so why say something daft. I hadn't got time to argue the finer points of their dialect as I knew Sebastian would be after my tuna.

"Yes" she answered "It's not as if he ever does anything. Always busy doing nothing that cat!"

BUSY DOING NOTHING!!

I stopped dead in my tracks and turned round. I saw her face redden a bit - I think she knew she might have over stepped the mark with that comment but I was enraged.

I have to be up at 4 in the morning to go and play with two legs and then they lay in his arms while he snores back to sleep. Then I have to go and find where they have put my supper cum breakfast - all without putting a light on and disturbing them. I have to look after Max if he goes out the front because he doesn't always think about cars in the road. You see when he was young they didn't have cars and that so he is still not really used to traffic. Then I have to listen to his lectures. Then I usually have to have a fight or two with Sebastian. Then I have to have dinner. Then I have to go and see my sister, Then I have to tour the estate and check no-one has interefered with anything. then I have my social meetings. In between I have to fit in a  nap or two.

Busy doing nothing - they should try my life!

Anyway I stopped right where I was and glared at them. I put my really frightening face on and I was tempted to show my teeth and snarl a bit but I thought I had better not as the tuna tin was nearly empty and she had to open a new one for my tea,

It must have worked because he looked at me and said "Oh look he's trying to say sorry to you. Isn't he sweet!"

Don't they know how to wind you up.

Football Crazy

I was listening to the two legs the other day and they say there is another of those World Football challenges coming up soon where all the players from across the world climb into my two legs' TV box and kick the ball about and everyone shouts and screams and they get paid lots of money. The two legs in the TV box that is - not my two legs. My two legs just seem to like having all these different countries in their TV box.

Anyway me and Max were talking and we decided if we practised enough maybe we could get to play for one of the countries and maybe we could win and get paid lots of money and get our personal shoppers to buy us lots of treats and tuna and stuff.. Max is very good at the strategy but not so good at the speed side of the game whereas I am very fast but don't always take the ball with me.

I managed to arrange a goal area when the two legs moved some chairs and we were doing very nicely. Then Max had a shot at goal and said it was over the line. I said it wasn't and we had a hissing fit with each other. I wanted to get the two legs to arbitrate but Max was all against that saying that was a radical new idea and we should manage as we had for years.

I said we could look at the photographic evidence but Max refused saying he had seen it cross the line and therefore there was no argument. I eventually had to accept what Max said even though there was no real line and the photo seemed to show not all of the ball had passed the goal post. If I hadn't given in Max would have taken the ball away and we wouldn't have got any practice in.

Do you know who I need to talk to about playing for a country?

Max & Me

Just lately me and Max have been getting along really well. He likes to play with me sometimes and I love it when he sits down and tells me stories about his past and the things he did. He is a very cool dude and despite being very old, he still has fun and mischief in him.

One of the things he loves to do to annoy the two legs concerns climbing fences. He always pretends to be a bit simple and not to understand anything but he's really sharp and clever. He climbs up the big fence and sits on top and pretends he can't get down. The two legs get all upset and come out for him and talk to him to coax him down but he stays resolute. In the end they have to get a step stool and reach up to lift him down. He loves it when he gets wet too. They always like to dry us off in the big soft fluffy towel but Max says No. He runs round the house dodging them and putting his dirty paw prints everywhere and finally he stops and lets them wrap him up and dry him. he told me he likes the towel really but has to make a bit of a show!

The other night he got caught out though. It was pouring with rain and he climbed up on the fence and ahd to stay there. I think the two legs forgot he was out and he got wetter and wetter. In the end I told the male two legs to go out and empty my litter tray and Max called to him from on top of the side gate. I was watching the fun.

The male two legs said just a minute and I thought he was going to get the camera. They like taking pictures all the time do two legs. He went and got instead the big fluffy towel and lifted Max off straight into the towel and dried him off. Max was a bit put out he had been forgotten and a bit put out that he hadn't had his towel chase but he forgave them once he had had his turkey and liver pate. I can't eat that sort of thing - just tuna and cream for me but Max has a strong constitution,

I found a way to worry them going out just like Max. I told you about my tunnel. Well I go and lay in that for hours so they can't see me and don't know where I am. it is funny when they open the door and call me and I klay perfectly still and they go away again and come back soon and call again. I said Max could coome and hide in there with me but he prefers his own games.

I suppose when you get older you can please yourself what you want to do which is a good thing - I think

Dreamies - I Guess I was

Now I have to issue all you felines out there with a serious warning. I don't know how many of you have see the advert for Dreamies http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f9L5roQobPA but I'm here to tell you it's not a good thing.

I asked my personal shoppers to get me some and they duly obliged. When they came home to open the packet I was in the study writing my blog to you. Max and Sebastian were right by the two legs so I knew I was not going to get a full share. I heard the packet open and decided to copy the cat in the TV box and run through the wall.

I didn't. The wall stopped me and gave me a headache and concussion. So bad that I even forgot why I had been trying to run through the wall and I never got any Dreamies.

I have written a strong letter of complaint to Mars. No not the planet - silly - to the makers of Dreamies and I will let you know what they have to say about this misleading information.

In the meantime be careful out there.

The Vow of Silence

The other day I asked Max why we cats don't talk to two legs. I know I talk to you through this but it's not the same as sitting down and talking like we do with each other.

Max, of course, knew the answer and he said it went back hundreds of years. Before even my personal shoppers were born.

It seems it all happened in a place called Egypt. It's a long long way away well past Tesco's and motorway. It seems that in this place we cats were the rulers. We were treated like Gods and the two legs brought us gifts and we showed them how to do things like building and hunting. It seems we taught them in the same way that Max teaches us now.

Well some naughty two legs came along and decided they wanted to rule and they got rid of us ruling cats and turned us into playthings and left us out at night and made us eat scraps and some didn't even look after us. They said that some of us were devil cats and we had to be drowned.

Well that was too much for the cats and they got together and decided from that time forward they would never again talk to two legs and teach them stuff.

You see if they hadn't done that we could have taught them how to walk on four legs and how to jump using the spring in your back legs. Sebastian said that if we had shown them that they would have been able to jump as high as he used to be able to. he says when he was young he jumped so high he hit his head on the sky that's why he never jumps any more. But he says because two legs are so much bigger they could have jumped high into the sky and over the moon - just like cows can.

I think it is long enough ago to be forgotten about so I am happy to talk to you. Max said it is something we all have to make a personal choice about. He's quite a liberal when it comes to those things but he also says tradition is very important to us cats and we should not throw away centuries of struggle just for a bowl of cream.

I need to think about that.

Cats & Bags

"And while I'm at it, Casper, let me tell you about letting the cat out of the bag"

"Oh that's easy. I can understand that. Somehow the cat got stuck in a  bag and some kind to legs came along and let him out. So that must be what they say when they have done something really nice and kind. Like when they put an extra dollop of cream on my dish. Right?"

"Oh dear boy, you have so much to learn." lamented Max looking to the heavens as he spoke. " Letting the cat out of the bag is the same as spilling the beans. It means you have told someone something you should not have told them."

"But that's what you said spilling the beans was about. You're confusing me"

"No. They both mean the same thing. You see two legs use different words and phrases to mean the same thing. They have lots of different words for the same thing."

"Right! I got you now. It sounds daft but you could say they were spilling the cat or even they were letting the beans out of the bag. Why can't they keep it simple."

Max rolled his eyes upwards again. "No! Cats are cats and beans are beans. This is about a saying. The cat and the bag is a saying which means the same as spilling the beans but you can't spill the cat or let the beans out of the bag."

"But I've seen those coffee beans they come in bags. There are little bags for little piles of beans and there are big bags for lots of beans. I saw it on that TV box."

"The big bags are sacks and they are what the beans are brought to the shops in. The little bags are paper bags and that's what they sell the beans to the two legs in."

"You said before the two legs paid with beans. So do they pay beans to buy more beans. How do they know which beans are worth more than other beans?"

"Casper ,Casper, that was a long time ago before they used proper money."

"I don't understand but I'm tired and I'm off to have a kidnap now."

"What are you talking about? Who are you going to  kidnap?"

"Oh Max I have learned something you don't know. You know the two legs have that goat in the garden, the one that doesn't say anything and doesn't ever move?"

"Yes the plastic one"

"Well Sidney Seagull told me that the young of goats are called kids. So when I go off for a short sleep it's called a catnap. That means when goats go off for a sleep its called a kidnap so I am going to sleep with the goat in a  kidnap."

"I'm afraid Casper there is sometimes no point in arguing - you go and have a kidnap if you like."

Night night all.

Spilling the Beans

This week I was accused of spilling the beans by Max and Sebastian.

I was able to categorically deny this as I explained to Max I had never touched baked beans since I had been born let alone spill them. I also said that if the baked beans had been spilled then surely it would have made a mess with all that tomato sauce and the two legs would have screamed and shouted like they do when we are in trouble.

Max took on one of his airs of wonder at the youth of today and I thought he was going to strike his head with his paw. Instead he invited me - quite a definite invite that I could not refuse - to sit in front of him and listen. max would ahve been a brilliant teacher. He likes nothing better than to have an audience listen to him as he explains in detail all sorts of mysterious things. I don't know where he learned it all but he loves sharing his knowledge with others. Sometimes I wonder if it is all true and correct but I would never dare to contradict him.

"No not baked beans, Casper; that's not what we are talking about!"

"Oh right. Got you. Then it must be the coffee beans and you know I don't like coffee so I wouldn't touch them either. besides the two legs don't have beans they have that powder stuff and they keep it in a jar. So if I had spilled the jar it would simply have fallen over and nothing would have spilled out unless I broke the jar and then there would have been glass and..."

"Woah!" Max was getting frustrated and I stopped in mid-flow. "These are metaphorical beans>"

I was about to interrupt and ask about this new type of bean when I saw the look in Max's eye and I kept my own council.

"you see years ago the two legs were new to coffee and anyone who owned beans was someone of great wealth. If the other two legs knew a particular two legs had great wealth they set about him and robbed him. That is why the wealthy two legs kept their coffee beans hidden and didn't let on that they were wealthy.  If someone accidentally spilled the coffee beans so that other two legs saw and so showed their wealth they got into trouble. Although coffee isn't so valuable now we still keep the saying to show that someone has said something they shouldn't and let a secret be known to others."

I sort of followed what he said but didn't really understand the full impact still. Max was having a break to let his words sink in.

"So although there weren't any beans involved I managed to somehow tell someone that someone was wealthy and they got robbed right? But I don't know anyone who is wealthy."

"It is not about someone being robbed and someone being wealthy. That's just the derivation." He saw my blank look. "How the saying came about. What you did was to let someone know a secret that they weren't supposed to know about. Do you understand now?"

I dared to shake my head. Max rolled his eyes. "Look you told the two legs about the party we had planned for the night they go away didn't you? You said we'll be alright. We'll have our friends in like before."

"Oh OK but I didn't think they would mind. And I never mentioned any beans I promise."

"Go to sleep Casper - it's all been to tiring today".

Wait until tomorrow when he tells me about letting the cat out of the bag!

Couch Potato?

Now I have heard these two legs referring to one another as couch potatoes but I thought it was all a bit silly as I thought the couch (or settee) was an inanimate object. You can see I've been chatting to Max again and learning big words. He says he is well read but he just looks ordinary black to me but I never argue with him - he is a fount of all knowledge.

Well my opinion of the couch changes the other day. you see I had been out in the garden reviewing the estate and studying the way the bulbs had been hidden this year. We have a little game this time of year to dig up the bulbs from where the two legs plant them and we move them (the bulbs not the two legs) to another part of the garden and then when they bloom (the bulbs not the two legs) there are cries of how did that get there?

Well I had had a bit of a strenuous time so I came indoors and was followed by a buzzy fly. Now they get on my nerves. they just fly around buzzing and they go very fast and you have such a job to catch them. Well this one landed high up on the wall to rest so I used the couch as my springboard and jumped up the wall and caught him. Unfortunately my feet were a wee bit dirty and they slid down the wall leaving a bit of a streak.

When the two legs came in and saw it there was the usual clamouring for my blood and I went into hiding. While they were out in the kitchen I went back up on to the couch and laid down and it opened up and gave me somewhere to rest my head. A nice warm comforting place where I felt safe from everything about me.

I whispered to the couch what had happened and it knew and just kept on offering me solace and comfort.

Nice things couches - I might get one for my own bed one day.