Ants In Your Pants

I was out the other morning and I met Ant as I told you.

I saw him and his tribe again yesterday and I called out to him and asked how he was.

"I'm not Ant - I'm Dec " he replied

"How can I tell you apart?"

"Ant always goes on the left and I go on the right - easy!"

"But what about like now when there's no-one either side of you? What about if someone else goes to your left?"

"We know who we are so what's the problem?"

I went indoors and had a think about him and his huge family and how I never knew who was who. Then it hit me! Tiny name badges! I thought if I charge them a penny a go they would all know who they were and I would be rich. I worked it out. By lunch time I would be a millionaire, by tea time I would be a billionaire and by supper I would be richer than that Branson fellow who flies balloons and planes and stuff. I could buy anything I wanted and I could sack my personal shoppers and live in luxury for ever. Wow a simple idea like that and I was rich. I set about making some tiny name badges. I couldn't write the names that small at first and then I remembered I had seen old two legs reading his book with a piece of glass that made the words large.

I found the glass and set about the names. I thought fro a sample I would do simple names and then we could go into full production once I had got the orders flowing.

Max said I was silly and went back to sleep. Sebastian didn't even bother to wake up. Too bad they wouldn't share my billions when I was sailing my balloons - do you sail balloons?

I went outside with my samples and waited for the ant army to come back.

"I've solved your problem!" I called as they came into view.

"Didn't know we had one"

"Look I've made name badges for you and everyone will know who you are from now on."

"Clever! and how are we going to wear them?"

A slight oversight in my planning. "Well you could carry them and raise them when someone comes;"

"Very smart and we can no longer use our hands and feet!"

"I know we can pin them on like the female two legs does with her jewellery and stuff"

"Very clever. Stick a pin through us and skewer our spleen, heart and lungs. Are you a mass murderer or something?"

The army passed by.

I realised I was not cut out to be an entrepreneur and the millions would have to wait until after tea time.