Does My Bum Look Big In This

I know you will tell me as it is. I've heard a few snide comments going around about my size just lately. They say I am getting as big as Sebastian - now that's plain silly. Sebastian is a giant among cats and always has been. I could never aspire to his mammoth proportions.

I was a bit concerned when they said about diets and all this vegetarian lark so I have been stocking up on the old biscuits just in case the worst happens. I don't want you to worry unduly yet because I think Max and I have got it all covered after the episode with the carrot the other day.

I was minding my own business munching a few biscuits as you can see when out comes the camera and old two legs flashed at me. Well when I say flashes I mean he flashed the camera. Then there's much debate about the picture and comments about my rear quarters and their sturdiness. I was quite insulted to be honest.If I hadn't been busy with those biscuits I might have had a word with them about showing some manners and respect to their house guest but I let it slide. I think that's my trouble you know I am a bit too easy going. I think there will have to be a new side to Casper - no more Mr Nice Guy

All Washed Up

Now is it too much to asked to be left alone to sleep when you've had the kind of busy night I've had.

I was on night patrol around the streets until late and had to tell a number of roaming cats that the curfew was on and they should be home in bed. you know how some of the younger cats are these days - full of cheek and back-chat. I get so annoyed - it's not like it was in my day when a friendly clip round the ear saw you back indoors and afraid to go out again. Now you say something and before you know it there's a gang of feral cats ready to jump on you. i still do my bit for the community though.

Anyway after I had gotten home from my patrol I had to listen to Max moaning about the cold and how he hadn't had any food all day because Sebastian had got there before him. Then Sebastian woke up and was telling me how his stomach thought his throat had been cut because he hadn't eaten in half an hour.

By the time I had had a little fish and a drop of cream I was ready to retire. I popped upstairs but Max had sprawled across the bed and there was no room for me. I made for the pet bed on the landing next to the warm airing cupboard and before I got there I heard the snores coming from it which told me Sebastian had found it and had forgotten about his empty stomach.

I looked around and found the perfect place. I jumped up and curled round - perfect fit and nice and warm away from the floor and any drafts.

Just then a blaze of lights and in walks two legs "Come on Casper I want to wash! Out you get!"

I duly obliged and by the time he had finished it was all wet and miserable in there so the only place left was the settee. There is some comfort in life still

I'm Wearing the Wrong Glasses

You know how it is when you get a thirst on. You'll drink anything that's available just to make your throat feel better. Well I had such a thirst on the other morning. I think it was because I had some new biscuits and they had cheese in the middle of them. Sebastian always says he can't eat cheese because it makes him dream while Max says too much cheese is bad for you but then he normally falls asleep and you never find out why it's bad for you.

It's a bit annoying when Max starts to tell you something which could be quite interesting or could help you later on in life and then he falls asleep. I sit there waiting for him to wake up and finish the story and when he does wake up he just says "Oh I forget now don't worry me with that!

Well back to my thirst.

I was looking for something to drink and I went first for the flower vase - that is nearly always a good place to go because the water is fairly old and green and stagnant and goes down well. Just my luck - the flowers were dead and had been thrown out and the vase stood there smirking at me proud to show me its emptiness.

I went to the sink and tried to flip the tap on. I have to hand it to the two legs - they must be fairly strong because I couldn't budge the tap - not even a trickle of water in the washing up bowl. Then I remembered - he always has a glass of water on his bedside table for when he wakes up in the night.

I climbed the stairs like an athlete and reached the bedroom before I had finished thinking about where the glass was. I dived onto the bedside table and there is was! It was about a third full - he had obviously had a thirsty night so I dived in and started lapping away - Oh the joy of that cold taste running down my parched throat. I went to pull my head out for air and realised I was stuck in the glass.

I tried to shake it off but just managed to get more water up my nose. When he came out of the bathroom he took one look at me and started laughing like a drain.

"Come and see this!" he called out "Looks like someone should have gone to Specsavers!"

I owe him one for that - I won't forget.

Help I'm Being Starved

They've got a health food kick going on in the house at the moment. They said we were all getting too fat and needed a diet. Poor old Sebastian nearly passed out at the mere thought of it but I said to Max we ought to give it a try. I must admit I was getting a bit broad in the beam and Max said the last time I bent over in front of him he thought there had been a total eclipse of the sun. Max can come up with some rather witty sayings at times. You just have to be there to catch one of his gems. I sometimes wonder how many of Max's little witticisms have been lost to the world simply because no-one bothered to listen to him.

So Max and I agreed we would try this new diet lark and I heard the two legs saying it was best to go vegetarian. I didn't dare tell Seb that or he would have been off like a shot, Seb and vegetables are about as compatible as boxing on skates.

Well we waited all day until tea time and I got them to take a picture to show you coz I knew you wouldn't believe me.

A carrot and glass of lactose free milk (whatever that is) It tasted like water to me and as for the carrot I think they will have a shock when they find where Max and I hid them!

Worst was because we hid them and appeared to have cleared our plates I heard them say "Well they seem to like that so we'll have to try veggies every day!"

Any spare rooms round your way?

Safari So Good

I am learning to return to my feline roots.

I went out the other day and got into this long grass and undergrowth and it was just like roaming across the scrub in Africa where the big cats (well bigger than me and Sebastian) all come from. I went in there so deep I wondered if I would ever find my way out and then I thought about food and hunting and where to find water. Gosh it was kinda scary but you know me - I am the adventurous and hardy type so I lay there waiting to stalk my prey and before very long I got lucky. This Daddy Long Legs flew down and was perched on a grass next to me, I thought here goes you never know when I might get another meal in this jungle so I got ready to pounce.

"Leave me alone stumpy" he spat though the side of his mouth while still eating on the grass. "I've got a wife and 432 children at home. If you eat me who's gonna feen them now push off and pick on someone you own size."

I felt quite crestfallen and offered to share any food I got with him but he just carried on eating.

I thought about it long and hard and was about to go off deeper into the jungle when I heard the two legs voice.

"Come on Casper dinner's ready"

So I left the jungle and went indoors and had a very pleasant bowl of tuna and a dessert of cream. I did think about the Daddy Long Legs while I was eating but I thought if I had of eaten him it would probably have spoiled my appetite so once again I did the right thing.

They Tricked My Mate Seb

The two legs can be really mean sometimes you know. The other day I was having a wander through the kitchen and I heard them talking to Sebastian - they were telling him how they were going to get another cat for the house. I thought that will mean less food to go round so I went and found Max and asked him what to do. Max was having his usual morning sleep tucked underneath the duvet so I jumped on the bed and went round to the opening and called down to him. His muffled reply from deep down in the duvet signalled that he was "home".

I've told you before how Max is a very cold cat and always makes to get to the warmest place - maybe that is his mysterious "condition" - I don't know.

Anyway his reply indicated that on this occasion I could venture into his inner sanctum beneath the duvet. It was stiflingly hot in there but Max seemed content. I told him what I had heard and Max was totally dismissive and disdainful.

"They're winding old Sebastian up. You know how he is with food - if he thinks there's another cat coming he'll camp on the food cupboard."

With a degree of relief I left Max to his sauna and went back downstairs and my eyes nearly popped out. The two legs move fast. There was the new cat sitting as calm as you like on the back of the settee.

I went to find Sebastian who had moved his bed next to the food cupboard just as Max had predicted - old Max is a sage despite his attempts to appear dumb.

I told Seb what I had seen and he was a bit sceptical but I think he realised I wasn't joking. He rose up and sauntered into the lounge, looked up to the settee and saw the new arrival and gave a muted hiss.

The poor old devil jumped up onto the back of the settee and went to sniff the new cat's bottom. I was expecting fireworks but nothing happened. Next thing Seb snuggled down beside the new arrival and lay there with him (or it may have been a her). That cat hasn't moved in days. Seb gets down to eat but the other cat doesn't.

Funny old world!

They Aren't Playing Fair

Max and Seb told me about this great trick you can play on two legs where you climb up on top of the door and when they come in the room you jump down on them and frighten them.

I said I had heard a similar story about putting a bucket of water up there but they said that was just silly and we decided to try it out. Max was quite adamant it should be me that climbed up because Seb couldn't be relied on to stay awake even if he climbed up there in the first place and Max couldn't because of "his condition". It's funny but no-one knows what Max;s condition is but it regularly gets brought up whenever there is something he doesn't want to do - not that I would ever suggest he was putting it on.

Well I climbed up there and waited. Max and Seb curled up in the easy chairs and kept giving me an encouraging word. I appreciate their thoughtfulness with little gestures like that. It makes all the difference when someone gives you a word of cheer when you are sitting on top of a door frame with a very stiff bum and afraid to move in case you fall - or worse - still get splinters on top of the soreness.

I heard the door open and was getting ready to pounce when I suddenly realised my perching spot was being split in two. never mind pouncing, I tumbled down just as the door opened and landed in his arms - saved me a nasty fall that did. He looked a bit surprised but the quick glance I made to Max and Seb told me that they were far from surprised - they had planned my mishap all along. Who's have older brothers?