Bless Me

Excuse me while I sneeze.

Those daft two legs were washing up this morning. I have to go and sit beside them on the draining board to ensure they do a proper job - particularly when he is doing it. he tends to cut corners and unless I am there to tap his hand when he puts up a half cleaned cup I am sure they would be living in squalor.

Well I was seated there - not too comfortably it has to be said. Those draining boards tend to very cold on my bum and if he hasn't dried it properly before I sit down - the draining board that is not my bum! - then I have a wet botty all day. I was watching him deal with the teaspoons they had used for their boiled eggs. I have noticed they get very caked with the egg and need a good scrub. He was in a bit of a careless mood - I know he's coughing with a cold but that doesn't excuse slapdash behaviour. I was just about to tap him with my paw to remind him to clean right into the hilt of the spoon when he fluffed the scouring pad right on my nose.

Really thought that was funny he did. Stood there laughing and coughing - highly amused. I had a big blob of soap on my nose and it made me sneeze. I have been sneezing all day as a result of that. Think I have got them a bit worried now because he keeps coming and giving me a cuddle and rubbing my nose. Actually I now know how to do those pretend sneezes but it still works and he comes over and rubs me. Hold on.

Yes caught him again - this is getting to be fun!

Which Weigh?

Did I tell you about the two legs obsession with weighing themselves? They are always jumping on the scales in the bathroom and saying things like "Oh no I've put on 2 pounds!" or "Good I lost a pound last week".

I don't know what they find so clever about losing money like that. If I had a wallet I could have money and I could lose it quicker than them. trouble is where could I carry a wallet? so I don;t bother with money at all. Sebastian said we are like royalty - apparently they don't use money either.

Anyway they started on Max, Seb and me with this weighing stuff.

"Oh Max you're a little thing - only 9 pounds!" - personally I wouldn't give 2 pounds for him even if I had the money. He is very sulky at times.

"Sebastian, you have to stop eating you're twenty pounds now!" - now that is some money but I'm not sure about stopping eating - that sounds a bit dangerous to me.

When it came to my turn I put up a bit of a fight but I know when I am beaten and eventually gave in to the scales. "Fourteen pounds! that's disgraceful. Look at your fat belly!" Well that did it. I didn't come down to be insulted like that so I immediately shot back upstairs and under the bed where they couldn't find me. When I did come down my biscuits had been put away and I am starving.

Could some of you send me some food to stop me from fading away please

Apologies

Sorry I haven't written for a little while but they have been very busy at mine and I couldn't get the two legs off the machine to write to you.

It seems one of their relatives died and they have been doing all sorts of organising and stuff. made me realise how lucky we cats are not to have all that baggage and nonsense to leave behind when we go. They go off early in the morning and come back late at night with a load of stuff in their car and then they sort through it and throw stuff away and keep other stuff and send stuff to other two legs - it's all very bemusing to watch.

It seems that they even have to clear out where they lived and then sell that to another two legs and all those clothes and stuff they put on has to go to people to sell. I said to Seb I hope he wasn't planning on leaving a whole load of stuff for me to sort out. He was quite dismissive of me and said I should show respect. I was only being honest.

Anyway they now have this big thing called a funeral where they all go and say goodbye and then they go to eat somewhere. I thought we might get taken but I don't think so. I was keeping a watch to see if they bought any extra fish for me but I haven't seen any yet.

Anyway I'm now off for a quick lie down and then I must pop out and wait for Percy pigeon to come by. he said he's going to show me some new tricks. Sebastian just laughed but I thought it was nice of Percy to think of me.

My Mummy Loves Me

I was having a brush the other morning. Max and Sebastian were there too and the male two legs was down on the floor brushing and combing us. We have a bit of a fight to see who gets done first. When grand-dad two legs does it he always does Sebastian first and Sebastian is so big it takes for ever for him to be done and Max and me get fed up and wander off and sometimes even miss getting brushed at all.

Anyway it was the male two legs personal shopper of mine that was doing us that morning and I was naturally first to be done. He combed a lot of fur off me and was very pleased at that and that I was a good boy and didn't wander. Sebastian was getting needled that he hadn't been first and two legs turned his attention to Sebastian - I went for a fight with Max.

As I looked up I saw a face at the window of the patio doors. She looked so sad and was watching the three of us. I ran to the window to kiss her through the glass and two legs saw her at the same time and called to her

"Come in, Lily. Come and see Casper!"

But she was gone she turned tail before my lips could even hit the glass and was gone down the garden and up over the fence. I asked two legs to let me go after her and I think he must have felt a bit sad coz he let me go. I ran down the garden up onto the fence and sat there looking for her but she had vanished as quickly as she came. I reckon she was on her way to see her other son - I would have gone myself but it is a long way and I am not sure where to go and need her to show me.

Perhaps she will take me again one day.

Miss you Mum.

Flying Mice

At Christmas my grand-dad bought me some mice to play with. They were really cool. They are made of this cord stuff and they have feathers stuck on them.

I know they are not a bit like real mice but the two legs like to play with me with them so I go along with it and they often give me praise if I bring the mouse back to them when they throw it.

I don't know about you but I think it is quite nice to have someone say nice things about you or to you once in a while. Normally it is "Casper, don't do that" or "Casper, get down from there" so when they say "That's a clever boy, Casper" and rub my head it feels nice and warming.

He can be a bit rough when he rubs my head but I just need to give them a reminder with my claws and everything is OK.

I was playing this morning and he was throwing the mice up the stairs. I was running up fetching it back and getting a bit puffed to be honest. Then he threw one up in the air and it landed in the gap in the banister and and the rail three quarters of the way up the stairs. He called out. "Leave it Cas, I'll get it" but I was there and up on my hind legs, reached onto the banister and hoiked it out and carried it back to him.

He was so thrilled - you'd have thought I had swum the Channel and climbed Everest all in the same morning the way he kept on about me being clever. I basked in the glory and decided to have a snooze on top of the television to celebrate.

Life can be good

I'm a Smart Fellow

Did you know I have my own personal travelling groom?

You see it all started long before I was born apparently and Max and Sebastian got their grand-dad to come over every week and brush and comb them. They wait for him to come and then they line up on the mat and he has to get down and groom them until they are satisfied with his work. I think he was a professional groomer before - I don't know for sure.

So when I came along he said I had to be brushed and combed too. I thought it was a bit silly and wouldn't do it. I didn't sit still for him and I used to bite or scratch when the comb got near me.

When I told Lily about it she said it was really cool to have your own travelling groom so I gave it a try. It is so cool and I get to look really smart after it.

let me know if any of you have a travelling groom too

I've Got a Sore Bottom

I was sleeping nicely this morning with two legs when I heard this strange noise. It was a calling noise I hadn't heard before and it woke me from my dreams. I leapt off two legs' lap to investigate and ran to the lounge.

Max and Sebastian were there already and crouching low to the floor keeping out of sight. "

"What is it?" I enquired in my best quiet voice.

"Sheridan Seagull and his crowd have come up from the coast and they terrorise all the other birds. Keep out of sight and they'll go away soon."

"But they are chasing my mate Percy out there. They are stopping him having his peck."

"Leave it Casper. Some things are out of our control." announced the sage like Sebastian.

I'm young and fear nothing so I thought no way was this mob of unruly birds going to upset the tranquility of my garden and upset the feeding routine of my mates. I bounded through the open door and ran straight for the big white bird in the middle.

He turned and looked at me with a menacing eye and said nothing. I put the brakes on but the grass was damp and I skidded towards him. I felt quite brave and a little scared all at the same time. His face was evil and his beak looked enormous and golden. The scared feeling was beginning to win against the brave one.

"Go away!" the bird commanded at me. The voice was even more menacing than the look. Cold and assured. No-one obviously argued with this fellow and went home to tell the story.

I thought perhaps I would go back indoors and as I tried to turn whilst still skidding I threw up a clump of wet earth. Booph it hit him right on his wing. In an instant I saw the brown stain against his perfectly preened white plumage. His head moved and took in the mark in the same instant.

I regained my footing and was making for the door to get back indoors when I felt that golden beak snap into my bottom. Boy did that hurt. I didn't stop. I ran inside and Sebastian looked up from his crouch position.

"Brave but foolish lad. Next time listen to what you're told - we do know best."

He's cool is my brother.

Who Stole Christmas?

So all this Christmas stuff has gone. All the decorations and tinsel taken away and everywhere looks cold and bleak and guess what? I'm in trouble again.

I told you about how that tinsel stuff is good to eat but not good for anything else well I turned my attention to those dangly bits and they taste OK.

I had several midnight feasts on them. You have to climb up on top of the sideboard unit thing and then balance on the top shelf. I was quite lucky I managed to balance on top of the speaker to his music system - I made sure he wasn't likely to be playing it and blast me out of my skin!

Anyways I got up there and was having a nice munch on this wheel thing. When they came down in the morning, I immediately got the blame for eating it. There's 3 cats in the house and 2 of them so why should it always be me?

I suppose the evidence on the picture was a bit damning

Let's Have a Gander at Gordon

I followed Lily as she crossed yet more fences and out onto a huge field. There were all sorts of white marks on it and I thought it was some kind of ritualistic place, then I remembered they were the same markings as those fields on TV when the two legs watch the football and shout at their team to win. Maybe this is where they show the pictures from. I was going to walk on the same ground that Steven Gerrard walks on.

"Now what are you doing? We've got a long way to go yet stop day-dreaming and get on with it" commanded Lily picking up the pace again.

I ran not wanting to get lost so far from home.

We ran through mud and leapt over a couple of gulleys and landed in this farmyard. Lily stopped and got her breath back.

"Don't be rude to Gordon. He's very strong if you upset him. OK?"

I nodded.

Just then this huge creature came round the corner, white and majestic with an orange beak and huge feet. I went to run but Lily stayed firm.

"Hello Gordon. Just popped in to see you and see if you were OK after Christmas" Lily announced

"And who is that with you? Looks like a fine specimen if a bit out of condition." boomed the voice of Gordon.

"Actually he's my son, but I don't admit to it very often Gordon."

"Nice looking lad Lily, You know all my offspring disappear at this time of year. You're lucky to have him with you. he can look after you in your dotage!" he made such a funny noise, cackling and hissing I was a bit scared but not Lily.

"No way, Gordon. Just showing him around. He can look after himself. Anyway he lives with some two legs and a couple of other cats. I just have a duty to show him what's what and where's where. I don't need anyone looking after me. I'ma tough old girl!"

Gordon and Lily talked for a while about how all his little ones were taken away and fattened up for Christmas dinner. How he had to start a new family every year. How he had so many children he didn't know all their names! Then Lily suddenly looked up and said

"Time to go. Dawn is breaking" I don't know who Dawn is or what she was breaking but we were away in a flash. just time to say goodbye to Gordon and we were bounding across the gulleys again and back to that huge field.

"Run like you've never run before if you see any dogs out there!" commanded Lily and she was gone. I followed. I looked left and right all the time looking for something to chase me but nothing did. We got back home safely and Lily put her paw on my shoulder.

"You did well boy. Maybe we will do that again some day"

She was over the fence and gone. I went indoors and had my fish for breakfast. I slept well all morning. Here's Gordon

Oh Brother Wherefore Art Thou?

The other day my Mum - Lily - came for me early in the morning and said we were going to see my brother. I didn't have time to to tell Max and Sebastian and I ran after Lily as she scaled the fences and ran at full speed.

"Slow down, Mum. I can't keep up!" I shouted breathlessly watching her tail disappear over yet another bend in the fence.

I ran right up to her, my face an inch from hers as she turned to face me

"Don't call me Mum when we are out. Call me Lily if you must call me anything. It is so embarrassing to be known as your mother. Understand?"

I nodded. I know that when Lily is firm about something no arguing in the world will change her mind. We set off again at a slightly slower pace.

Suddenly she stopped and looked up to a high window.

"Up there." she said firmly giving me no room to question, "Follow me and BE CAREFUL!"

She bounded off the fence and ran up a slate roof over the garage and onto the coving rail at the top. She nimbly ran along that and then made an amazing leap. I watched her float through the sky, her four limbs stiff, her tail erect. She landed on the narrow ledge of the window sill and walked along to a gap in the curtains where the only bit of light was eluminating the blackness of the morning.

"Come on!" she shouted down in a mute whisper.

I was scared but I had to. I ran up the slates and onto the rail. So far so good. I looked up at the window sill and saw the impatience building on her face. I ran, jumped and sailed through the darkness and my feet landed on the window ledge. I began to totter and felt myself about to fall when her big firm paw slammed against me and held me against the wall. She had moved the length of the window ledge so swiftly and silently and saved me.

"Not bad for your first time" she said releasing her grip and turning around as if she was turning her body inside out. She was back at the gap in the curtains, motioning me to join her.

I looked through the gap and there on the bed was a young two legs fast asleep with his arm around a cat that looked the image of me. The cat was on his back, legs apart, peacefully sleeping with the little two legs. I moved to scratch on the window to say hello. Lily grabbed my paw.

"We don't disturb them. We just check they are OK. Now we go. Move!"

"But how?"

"You are in front just do what you did to get up here. This time I will follow"

I did and landed a bit unsteadily on the rail ran along and slid down the tiles and jumped onto the fence. A cold wet nose hit me in the bottom.

"You did OK. We will now go and see how Gordon is. Let me lead the way">

Who was Gordon and where were we going?

Rural Life in Berkshire

It's OK I haven't moved but I have let the two legs do a blog today about when Max and Sebastian and the two legs lived in another world - a place called Berkshire. You will see that in those days the two legs used to smoke - they don't now. Here's old two legs


This is a story first told back in the 2000s when Max and Sebastian were sprightly youngsters

For some time now the grounds of Chez Cook have become the feeding ground of Mr Nutkin and his family. It was while I was sitting out surveying the setting sun one evening that Mr Nutkin first came into my life. He bounded over the fence, mounted the bird table and began to consume an unimaginable quantity of nuts. I marvelled at his courage and his foraging instincts and began a conversation with him. He never responded as I don't speak squirrel and he doesn't (at least to my knowledge) speak English. Over the weeks he became more friendly until I finally coaxed him to take a nut from my hand. We had bonded.

This all changed when Max awoke from his 23 hour slumber a tad early one evening and came to join me for the relaxation hour. He was sitting on the bench beside me playing his imaginary cello when Mr Nutkin arrived. He bounded down the fence, up to the bird table, checked the nut scene and promptly made for the bench where he knew a secondary supply would await him.

Max was peeved at this intruder and jumped down to intercept him and chased him to the fence. Mr Nutkin turned and faced him. Max faced Mr Nutkin and for a moment I thought hostilities would break out. No. Max sat down and Mr Nutkin twitched his tail and hopped back past Max, up to the bird table and began to consume the nuts he had left. Max washed his face and came back to enjoy the remainder of the setting sun.

Now last night I was enjoying a pleasant smoke when Sebastian deigned to join me. For Sebastian the long trek from the lounge to the garden is a mammoth undertaking and a venture like that cannot go unnoticed. I was in deep conversation with Sebastian congratulating him on his agility and dexterity when we both noticed a movement to the right of the delphiniums. In awe we watched as a tiny face appeared and in the dusk we made out the outline of a large tailless rat moving towards us. I asked Sebastian whether he would dispose of the unwelcome guest but his non-committal response indicated his unwillingness to move for a second time that evening.

The creature approached us sniffing the air and I recognised Mrs Tiggywinkle. I appraised Sebastian of our guest and advised him not to attack as her defences were quite strong. I need not have bothered with the warning. Sebastian was tapping my leg asking to be raised off the ground away from this potentially lethal visitor. I picked up the 18lb of quivering cat and we both watched as Mrs T circled us and then went about her business of rooting through the flower beds.

The bliss of rural Reading on a summer's evening


Hope you liked that; he likes to write every so often and I feel a duty to let him use the machine. I'll be back for proper blogging tomorrow

Play It Again

Did I tell you about those fabulous mice I got off grand dad for Christmas? they are brilliant all ropey and chewy at the base and then they've got all these feathers out the top. I love them. I throw them up in the air by the feathers and chase them all round the room

I have found a great place to hide then too. under the TV. It's so cool. I put them there while they are watching something then I fish them out and throw them about and push them back under. the two legs get all cross and shout at me not to go under the TV but it's a good game.

Anyway the other morning around 5 o'clock I got bored. Max and Sebastian aren't early risers and the two legs don't get up early when it is dark mornings. So I went and got my mice and brought them upstairs. I jumped on the bed with a couple and dropped them by the male two legs. he sleeps very soundly and snores like Sebastian. I tapped hima few times and he woke up. Silly sausage thought I wanted a cuddle. Anyway I laid down with him for a few seconds to make him feel better and then I pawed to him where the mouse was.

I half expected to get told to take it away and not play in the bedroom but to my surprise he reached out and picked up the mouse and hurled it off the bed and onto the landing.

I ran after it. Picked it up turned round. ran back. jumped on the bed and gave it to him.

He was so happy. He called me clever and thanked me for bringing it and threw it again. We did this for ages. He really seemed to like doing it and I didn't want to spoil his fun even though it was tiring jumping on and off that bed.

In the end Sebastian came in and said I had disrupted his sleep and would I mind shutting up. I said I was playing with two legs but it didn't make any difference to Sebastian. he wanted his sleep. Sebastian can be very determined when he wants. beneath that gentle exterior he is a lion at heart.

I shall be having early morning games with two legs for a while now.

HAPPY NEW YEAR

Happy New Year Everyone

Did you see all those whizz bangs last night?

I was out for an evening - well late evening - stroll when suddenly everything went bang - there were whizzers everywhere and the sky lit up. It was quite pretty but it gave me such a shock.

I hurried home and the two legs were watching it all on TV and kissing each other and stuff - yuk. I asked Seb about it and he said it happens every year.

Max slept through it all

Apparently I am supposed to decide on things to do in the New Year. I think I will be a little more investigative. There are so many places and gaps I haven't explored

Have fun