Ahoy Shipmates

You don't know how lucky you are to be reading this. I nearly wasn't here. I thought I was sailing away for a year and a day like that bird and cat that went to see and got married. But I am ahead of myself. Now that is a funny saying isn't it? If you were ahead of yourself could you see yourself coming and if you could and there was some danger could you stop yourself from going into the danger even though you were already in it? Answers on a  postcard please care of old two legs!

I was having a wander round the estate when I thought what a lovely fresh crisp morning it was and how nice it would be to take a stroll down to the river bank. Often when I go down there I meet up with Victor Vole or Crazy Connie Coot and we have a little chat and run around. The exercise is good and I quite enjoy a conversation with someone other than Max and Sebastian from time to time. I am not saying Max and Sebastian are boring but a change is as good as a rest as a wise old cat once told me.

I got down to the river bank and was walking along where the boats are moored up when Crazy Connie and her family shot out from some weeds.

"What you doing down here this time of year, Casper?" she called

"Just came for a stroll as it was nice. Keeping well? you and the family?"

"Never better. Hop up on that boat there and we'll have a natter. I think Junior has still got half a worm he found yesterday. We can share that if you like"

I declined the food but hopped up onto the wooden seat and settled down for a chat but the sun was warm and Connie tends to natter on and on. Before I knew where I was I was in a nice snooze. I was having a lovely dream about a mountain of tuna and as I ate more and more of it the sicker I began to feel, I opened an eye and there was no sign of Connie and the chicks. The boat was tossing up and down and there was the smell of a tobacco pipe in the air. I felt quite queasy.

"My Gawd, where be you a coming from to land there in my boat?" boomed this voice from a wizened face, the pipe at a jaunty angle from the mouth.

"Er I was having a sleep and you must have set sail sir"

"Ye must've been drowsing in the boat while i were a casting off. Now we're on the high seas. Hope thou be a good sailor. I can't be doing with sickness on the waves"

I put on my most hurt expression and immediately felt a retching come from deep within. The old sea dog looked at me. "We only be in the bay and you be sick already. You aren't no ship's cat are ye? Best put you ashore before you frighten all the fish around"

With that he turned for the shore and set me off in just a few inches of water.

I ran all the way home and curled up on the fluffy towel. Last adventure for me for a while!

I Compared The Market

Old two legs has been pushing me off my computer so he can go and do this insurance stuff. I don't fully understand it but it seems he pays somebody to make sure no bad things happen and they send him a meerkat in return. I heard him telling my mate Terry the postman that he was expecting a meerkat from Meerkovo and that it was currently in Amsterdam where it had fallen off its bike into a canal and was waiting to dry off before it could get to England. Terry just humoured him and said OK and that he would watch out for it.

I think it is a bit cruel to send meerkats through the post like that because when they go through the franking machine they get a terrific whack on their head and it can send them a bit funny. Maybe that's what happened to Max, I shall have to ask him where he came from.


Well there was great excitement the other day when Terry arrived with 3 boxes addressed to two legs. There was much tearing of cardboard and opening of boxes and gasps of delight

"It's Alexander. Oh my it's Yakov. Hey look it's Bogdan!"

And there they all were on the lounge floor as large as life. I thought I ought to make myself known to them and next thing we were out in the estate grounds to have our photo taken. Can you spot me?

I Remember When

I was out for a stroll at lunch time and I saw something that took me back in time to when i was a young kitten. It's a shame we can't be young when we have the wisdom of having been around a while. I often say to Max and Sebastian that if I knew now what they know now I would know ten times more than they knew.

Anyway there I was walking along the fence tops round the surrounding estates when i cam upon Claudia's garden. I hadn't seen her for a while and rumour had it that she had met up with old Tom up the street one night and got herself into a bit of trouble. I've never been one to listen to idle gossip and rumour but you can't help wondering and I thought I'd pop in and see how things were.

I got to their fence and you could have knocked me off with a feather. There were three kittens in the garden playing in the washing on the line and there was Claudia laying back admiring their work.

She looked up and saw me and hurriedly spoke "Looking after them for a friend while she goes into town!" she said waving a paw at the kittens.

"Lovely little fellows - they look so much like you I thought they were yours!"

"Good lord no. Well I mean I have no regular partner, the two legs here wouldn't like that. They think of me as very respectable"

I wondered if Claudia thought anyone would really believe the caring for them story but it wasn't for me to upset the apple-cart.

"Will your friend be long in town?"  I enquired carrying on the pretence.

"She has moved up there so we may have to bring them up ourselves. I can always use a kitten sitter if yu have free time Casper!"

I made my excuses and hurriedly left.

Remind Me To keep My Mouth Closed

Do you ever have those days when you wished you hadn't said anything? Today was one of those.

I went out this morning first thing to tour the estate and check everything was in place and there was this white frost on the grass. I stopped to explore it in closer detail and found it to be a tad on the cold side. I actually froze my paws standing there. I went back in and popped upstairs to see the two legs who were still laying in bed drinking their tea and ruminating on what to do for the day. I find it strange that two legs are always asking each other what they should do and then bemoaning that they haven't done something.

Us felines just get on with it and do it. You never hear us moaning about what hasn't been done and where we haven't been. If it has to be done we do it; if we have to go there we go there, come back and that's it job done.

Well I jumped on the bed and there was an immediate oohing and awwing from them.

"Poor fellow his feet are frozen!"

"Yes so would yours be if you had to walk out there in your barefeet with no shoes on!"

"Poor fellow he's really cold he needs a cuddle"

"I've been out in the deep Winter with no clothes on inspecting your estate and what do I get - a cuddle! I need some nice warm cream and a side dish of tuna with the edge taken of in the microwave!"

"We'll get him sorted out in town today"

Now that was a signal I should have heeded. The last time they were "getting me sorted out" I came back from the vets minus a few bits and pieces, but it was early morning and I had a frozen brain - I overlooked the warning signal.

The day wore on and they went off in their car and we all had a little sleep in the milky sun and felt the warmth creep back into our bones. The day was picking up nicely when all of a sudden in they came.

"Come here Casper we've got just what you need for those early mornings and late nights you like to keep!"

It was too late to back away; my inquisitive nature had gotten the better of me and I was trapped. They slipped this yellow hoodie on me and the silliest matching booties ever. I stood there like something that had fallen off the Christmas tree. Max and Sebastian came wandering through and I heard Sebastian stifle a laugh.

"Won't feel the cold now old fellow will you?" beamed two legs. Luckily he didn't hear my reply!

Two Legs Must Be Wet Behind The Ears

Hello there.

Have I been through it while you've been away. I may have told you before that the two legs have this strange habit of immersing themselves in the bathtub every so often and performing a cleaning ritual. Why they can't do it on the lounge carpet like any normal feline I have no idea. I quite enjoying laying ona  warm carpet and cleaning those intricate bits that you'd otherwise find impossible to reach. Mind you I don't think two legs can put their legs overt heir head like I can so maybe that's why they get in the water.

Well the other day he was preparing for his soak when the phone rang.I heard him trot downstairs muttering about time to ring and then he picked up the phone:

"Yes.......Speaking.....No I don't want any thank you........Why should I want any?........ Well if they are that good go and buy them yourself. Leave me alone I want to wash"

While this was going on I couldn't help myself. I had to go and try out the bath. I jumped in and splashed everywhere. The water was nice and warm not like the pond next door where the fish live. Only trouble was it was wet and all my fur went wet and sticky.

Then I heard two legs coming back still muttering about people ringing the phone when he was about to perform his ablutions. Now you see I never complain when they ring when I am about to wash because I am on the carpet and it doesn't interfere with me. Mind you it isn't very often that anyone rings up to speak to me - at least I don't get all those calls from people wanting to sell me home insulation and stuff.

Well two legs took one look in the bath and shouted out to the female two legs to come and retrieve me and dry me. That was fairly pleasant ina  large warm fluffy towel. I think it was the towel that he was going to use!

Not sure what he did in the end - maybe he tried my way of washing although I didn't see him on the lounge floor with his leg in the air.

Patrick's Message For Angel

Hi, I’m Patrick the starfish and I have taken over Casper’s blog today to tell you a story about someone special who saved my life.

You see I was out at sea when I got separated from my family and washed up on this beach. Well this girl came along and saved me and put me in a bucket of water and looked after me. I didn’t know at the time but she was a princess but she still looked after me and all through the day she carried me around with her and got me food and even took me to the loo! Then came the time for me to go back in the ocean to find my family; she emptied me into the water and I washed away with the tide.

I had only got a little way out when I realised I hadn’t properly said thank you so I turned around and went back to the beach and she found me again and we were able to say a proper goodbye. I went back in the sea and in a short time was reunited with my family on a rock just down the coast. I told them the story and said  I was sorry that I couldn’t repay the princess for her kindness.

They asked me what she really wanted and I said I didn’t know but I sent two of the fairy sea nymphs to read her dreams and let me know. They said she wanted to be a dancer so I sent them back to sprinkle their special magic fairy dust over her feet while she was asleep.

Later we were up on the North Sea coast at the city of Blackpool and we heard there was a dancing contest there. I sent the fairy nymphs over to see if my Princess was there and she was. They told me all about her; how well she danced and how the judges marked her. One said she was Fab-U-Lous; one said she was so good that if she didn’t win the trophy he would go home and pickle his walnuts – I don’t know whether he really had any walnuts to pickle. The other – a funny foreign fellow – said her dancing was like a fluffy marshmallow floating across a golden sandy beach while the waves from a lapis-lazuli ocean gently kissed the shoreline – I said he was funny!

Anyway I asked the fairies to sprinkle their magic dust on the scene and everyone went home clapping and cheering and laughing and I think I finally got to say a proper thank you to my Princess.

Its Cream Cracking

I thought they had forgotten all about me you know. I haven't had a bowl of cream for so long I had almost forgotten what it looked like and as for taste that was some distant memory to me. Max said I had cream last week but I don't think so. I have been complaining about it for so long my voice has gone a little hoarse.

Now there's a funny thing. How can your voice go horse? I have never heard a two legs neigh or whinney yet they often say they feel a little hoarse. At first I looked around to see if the were feeling and equine but there was nothing there then they said they sounded hoarse and I thought they were making horse noises bit again no. It's the funny way they say things. They sort of talk in riddles so no-one else can understand them. I know Max has made a study of this but he never got round to publishing his findings so we will never know what he studied.

Anyway there I was in a cream-less state and they came in with these steaming hot pies full of horrible fruit and berries. Yuk they are all bitter and taste awful but two legs like them. Actually so do birds and birds have two legs so maybe it's something to do with that. Another study for Max I think. I was about to leave them to it when I heard him say. "Pass the cream would you, old girl!"

I was there like a shot and yes they had a pot of cream and he was taking a spoonful to put on his awful pie. Well I was up on the table and had the cream right off his spoon before you could say double whipped long-life cream. They were so shocked and he just held the spoon there while I licked it clean.

"Casper must have a liking for cream don't you know" he chortled.

A liking for cream?? Where have they been when I have been talking about the tuna mountains and cream lakes of my dreams? Anyway they took what they wanted out of the tub and left the rest for me. I've got a rather full belly now and am about to nod off. Night night!

A Chill In The Air

For once I an beginning to agree with Max about it being cold - only trouble is I decided it was getting cold too late and so lost my rights to the warmest places in the house.

Max has secured all rights to the rug in front of the fire and will not share that with anyone. He even gets cross if the two legs go near the fire to stoke it up. Sebastian has secured the basket outside the airing cupboard and has also arranged for his food to be delivered there by his personal shopper. I have to fend for myself.

Well I did until breakfast time the other morning. two legs has a bowl of porridge in the morning - yuk! all lumpy bits and hot and not very sweet. However he gets the female two legs to make it in this mini oven up on the counter bar. Well she made it and was in a bit of a rush and went in to serve it to him without closing the door. I nipped up and in and it was the perfect fit. My bottom rests on the warm back wall while my back luxuriates on the side panel. My head rests on the door well so the door can't close and the place is warmer than toast.

I had a few shouts at me to vacate my new lodgings but I played the "I'm Asleep!" card and it seems to have worked.

They keep saying things like "Creature of Habit" but I don't care it is nice and warm and when it cools down I get out and wait until they heat up something else and I'm in again.

Life is good

Sleep Not Today

Something is going on and I need to be alert.

You see it started off as a pretty normal day. I went and surveyed the estate. Max got as far as the rockery and said it was too cold and went back to bed. Sebastian got to the greenhouse and said he was dying of starvation and turned for home. I went about my business inspecting, checking and sorting before returning home for a nice breakfast. I smelled bacon cooking. Now my two legs don't have a cooked breakfast unless there is something special on. I tried to listen to see if I could make out what it was but they were having those nonsense conversations where they say lots of words but it doesn't mean anything. I have no idea why two legs like to do that. We felines believe in keeping quiet unless you have something worthwhile to say.

Anyway they ate their breakfast and let Sebastian have some scraps. I don't lower myself to begging at the table for food. If I want it I take it when no-one is looking. I was watching to see if they put their outdoor clothes on but they didn't so they were intending on being indoors today were they.

They went upstairs and I left them for a while. You never know what people are going to do when they disappear upstairs. A long time had passed so I thought I better go and see if they were alright. Well! I have never seen anything like it. My home was turned upside down. He was in the new wardrobe - I think he must have been trying to hide in there because all I could see was his legs sticking out and over the bed.

She had cupboards and drawers all over the place and as fast as she emptied one he was diving in and out the wardrobe putting stuff away. Then he would take it all out and start again. What a waste of time - it's just like those conversations - they just do it to pass the time I think

Well it went on all day. Stuff going from one cupboard to another. Then the furniture started going walkabouts. everything was in a different place. Then the dreaded ladders and he was up in the roof with boxes and parcels disappearing into that great hole up there. I always have to be careful that I don't get picked up and put up there. Max says he lived for there for 3 years one weekend.

We are all tired out. No chance to sleep with all that chaos but at least they have stopped now. We don't know where anything is and keep bumping into things that have been moved. Why can't two legs leave things alone!

I'm Back

I bet you all thought I'd done a runner as I hadn't written in a little while - well here I am and I can only say I am sorry for not writing but I simply couldn't.

For the last couple of weeks as soon as it gets dark there is gunfire and rockets and all sorts going off in the sky. Now Max said it happens every year but I don't remember it last year and it has been going on every night.

I went out one night at the start and was strolling around the estate when this stick came out of the sky and landed right by me - well a few paws lengths away to be honest. I went to sniff it to see what it was and one end was all hot and smoking and there was paper attached to it. Max told me they were rockets. It was while I was investigating this that the gunfire started and the sky was alight with all these bright colours and horrible bangs.

I shot indoors and realised why Max and Sebastian hadn't bothered to go out.

The two legs were pleased to see me and suggested I didn't go out for a while. I was only to pleased to take this advice. Only trouble is every time I go to write to you these whizzers and stuff keep going off and making me jump so much that I can't concentrate.

I think it has all finished now so I thought I owed you an apology for being away.

I guess you all missed me - NOT!!

Drinks Are On Me

Now I have to admit I have been a bit naughty.

You see my two legs have been doing this thing for their charity fete - it's called "Wine or Water". Now I don't under stand all the intricacies of it but it involves drinking a lot of wine and filling the bottles up with water and then wrapping the bottles in newspaper along with bottles containing wine that they haven't drunk.

As far as I can tell other two legs come along and buy the bottles, unwarp them and either jump up and down with a bottle of wine or say boo to a bottle of water.

Well there they were the other night with all these bottles wrapping them up and I said to Max we ought to help so I undid a bottle and poured it in a glass and had a sip. It tasted really weird all bitter and fiery but still wet. We couldn't let them down so we finished the bottle between us and on the last glass I noticed this strange thing swimming in the glass. I think it was one of the fish from next door's pond but when I tried to hoik it out I couldn't find it. Max said it was my eyes - maybe.

Anyway the two legs said they made £130 for the charity with their bottles so I think I did my bit Hic hic hic - oops sorry!