Cold Turkey

Am I in trouble now.

You see the 2 legs get this great big turkey every so often and cook it and eat it. Now I reckon that is just plain greedy. There's Sebastian Max and me and we could all use a piece of that too. Well I heard them talking the night before last and she said she was going to cook the bird. I looked at Sebastian who had raised one eye from his basket and we shared a knowing look.

She always gets it out of that big cold fridge thing in the garage and then puts it on a tray in the little room downstairs to let it thaw out. The turkey must be so cold coz it is covered in ice and frost when she brings it in.

They went off to bed and I rallied the troops and we gathered outside the little room - we could smell the turkey in there and Sebastian started pawing at the door. I told him that was a waste of time and he got a bit uppetty. I don't think he's keen on me as the newcomer giving orders but you always need a general.

I suggested he stood firm by the door and let me climb on his back.

"Your claws are sharp" he moaned.

I reassured him I would keep them withdrawn and told Max to climb on my back and hang on the door handle.

The operation went with utmost precision and the door opened. Max moaned about hanging in mid air and I told him he could let go and he feel to the floor with a bump. I think he is a little bit simple really.

Anyway we were in and I let Sebastian have first pick of getting the plastic off and then we set in to a feast on the wing thing. it was like a frozen meaty ice cream - really yummy.

Sated we all went off to bed and in the morning all hell broke loose.

She was screaming about the bird being eaten and how had we got in there. I slunk under the bed and kept out of the way for the day. it will all blow over by tomorrow.

Oh My I am Sooooooooo Famous Now

You will never believe this. I was roaming through the house the two legs have and they have done some weird things to it like knocking down walls so I can now go to parts that I couldn't get to before. Anyway there I was in the place where they eat. Isn't it funny how they eat sitting up at a table on those hard chairs and use those sharp knife things and yet they put my food in a bowl on the floor and give me no cutlery. I guess it's just their peculiar ways of doing things. Anyway there I was walking through looking for Max or Sebastian so I could jump on them and frighten them when my eyes rose up to where they had had this massive great tree thing with lights and balls and stuff that I was always in trouble for knocking down. Well the tree wasn't there - I guess it must have been blown over in all those winds but hanging on the wall was this gigantic picture of ME!! I jumped when I saw it - I mean I must have been 4 times my normal size just hanging there on the wall - then I thought about it and I thought that if I had seen it so must loads of other 2 legs and 4 legs. I can't write any more now I've got to go and sharpen my pencil so I can sign all those autographs.

Be good!

The Cupboard Bear

Hi guys I know I haven't had much to say for a while but this growing up takes it out of you. Anyway they say I am fully grown now so I thought it was time to get talking to you again. I see old 2 legs had a go at it the other day and I know you must be thinking how rubbish that was so here's the maestro back in the chair.

I have to tell you about the other day when the 2 legs were turning out all those wonderful places you can hide in but where they keep all those silly pots and pans and stuff. Anyway he had just emptied this shelf and was telling the female 2 legs that she could get some stuff to fill them up with - what a stupid way of going on that is - empty something to fill it up with something else. You wouldn't catch a cat doing that.

Anyway while his back was turned I nipped onto the top shelf and settled down I fancied a nice nap and it was lovely and cosy in there.

"Out!" booms a voice right in my ear - most inconsiderate I thought so I ignored him. I have developed this skill in looking him straight in the eye and totally ignoring whatever he says - makes him so mad I nearly wet myself at his expression,

So there we were, him looking at me and trying to get me to move and me looking right through him as if he wasn't there.

Then he went to a drawer and got this thick mitten thing out and put it on his hand and shoved his hand round my bum. Now that's a liberty! I quickly shot a paw out above the glove line and he yelped and ran off shouting about tourniquets or something. he shut the door too and I was left in the dark.

Pretty soon they came back to me him with a plaster on his arm - she with a packet of my favourite treats. I pretended to show contrition ate the treats trumped in the cupboard and went to bed for a proper nap.

What a life

I am In Trouble

I am afraid it is time to name and shame Casper.

I am not one to complain or tell tales out of school but the leopard cat known as Casper has savaged me causing tourniquets and plasters to be administered by my resident medical expert.

The scene was that she and I were attempting to tidy the cupboards in the kitchen when the savage leopard cat decided to get in the cupboard and occupy the top shelf. I explained this was not actually helping the manoeuvres of the day but he remained recalcitrant so I decided to use physical intervention. Mistake! He adopted a snarling hissing position and struck out like a python in a corner. My hand and arm was lacerated beyond recognition. I told him I was not happy at his attitude and shut him in the cupboard - he is still there snarling and spitting and doing other feline activities. The manoeuvres have ceased and dinner is being prepared. The leopard cat will not be eating!

Bless Me

Excuse me while I sneeze.

Those daft two legs were washing up this morning. I have to go and sit beside them on the draining board to ensure they do a proper job - particularly when he is doing it. he tends to cut corners and unless I am there to tap his hand when he puts up a half cleaned cup I am sure they would be living in squalor.

Well I was seated there - not too comfortably it has to be said. Those draining boards tend to very cold on my bum and if he hasn't dried it properly before I sit down - the draining board that is not my bum! - then I have a wet botty all day. I was watching him deal with the teaspoons they had used for their boiled eggs. I have noticed they get very caked with the egg and need a good scrub. He was in a bit of a careless mood - I know he's coughing with a cold but that doesn't excuse slapdash behaviour. I was just about to tap him with my paw to remind him to clean right into the hilt of the spoon when he fluffed the scouring pad right on my nose.

Really thought that was funny he did. Stood there laughing and coughing - highly amused. I had a big blob of soap on my nose and it made me sneeze. I have been sneezing all day as a result of that. Think I have got them a bit worried now because he keeps coming and giving me a cuddle and rubbing my nose. Actually I now know how to do those pretend sneezes but it still works and he comes over and rubs me. Hold on.

Yes caught him again - this is getting to be fun!

Which Weigh?

Did I tell you about the two legs obsession with weighing themselves? They are always jumping on the scales in the bathroom and saying things like "Oh no I've put on 2 pounds!" or "Good I lost a pound last week".

I don't know what they find so clever about losing money like that. If I had a wallet I could have money and I could lose it quicker than them. trouble is where could I carry a wallet? so I don;t bother with money at all. Sebastian said we are like royalty - apparently they don't use money either.

Anyway they started on Max, Seb and me with this weighing stuff.

"Oh Max you're a little thing - only 9 pounds!" - personally I wouldn't give 2 pounds for him even if I had the money. He is very sulky at times.

"Sebastian, you have to stop eating you're twenty pounds now!" - now that is some money but I'm not sure about stopping eating - that sounds a bit dangerous to me.

When it came to my turn I put up a bit of a fight but I know when I am beaten and eventually gave in to the scales. "Fourteen pounds! that's disgraceful. Look at your fat belly!" Well that did it. I didn't come down to be insulted like that so I immediately shot back upstairs and under the bed where they couldn't find me. When I did come down my biscuits had been put away and I am starving.

Could some of you send me some food to stop me from fading away please

Apologies

Sorry I haven't written for a little while but they have been very busy at mine and I couldn't get the two legs off the machine to write to you.

It seems one of their relatives died and they have been doing all sorts of organising and stuff. made me realise how lucky we cats are not to have all that baggage and nonsense to leave behind when we go. They go off early in the morning and come back late at night with a load of stuff in their car and then they sort through it and throw stuff away and keep other stuff and send stuff to other two legs - it's all very bemusing to watch.

It seems that they even have to clear out where they lived and then sell that to another two legs and all those clothes and stuff they put on has to go to people to sell. I said to Seb I hope he wasn't planning on leaving a whole load of stuff for me to sort out. He was quite dismissive of me and said I should show respect. I was only being honest.

Anyway they now have this big thing called a funeral where they all go and say goodbye and then they go to eat somewhere. I thought we might get taken but I don't think so. I was keeping a watch to see if they bought any extra fish for me but I haven't seen any yet.

Anyway I'm now off for a quick lie down and then I must pop out and wait for Percy pigeon to come by. he said he's going to show me some new tricks. Sebastian just laughed but I thought it was nice of Percy to think of me.