I'm Only Frightened of Things That Scare Me

They keep calling me a scaredy cat because of my reaction to the front door bell.

When I first came here Seb told me it was an alarm for something horrible happening and as soon as it sounds he bolts for the stairs and hides under the bed. Max tends to run behind the chair or the settee and I didn't know what to do so I decided to run and hide in the dining room.

No-one had told me this was a plan that only worked if the incoming threat went to the lounge or the upstairs. I was hiding in the dining room - in that little gap between the trolley thing that keeps food hot and the place where they put all their discs - when these big footsteps came clumping towards me. I knew it was bad by the noise of the feet. Two legs are funny aren't they. The nice two legs have dainty feet that don't make a lot of noise when they move about. The others sort of clump and stomp everywhere. I worked out two legs' noises by listening to their feet.

Anyway these clumps came towards me and I decided to run. I was making for the stairs when I saw these big trousers and a big heavy case in his hand. This was even worse than I had thought - someone coming with a case could only mean trouble for one of us. I had to tell Max and Seb quickly.

"Oh he's nice" boomed this voice as I shot through his legs narrowly avoiding an outstretched hand as he made a grab for me. Phew. made it. Then I heard the clatter and I turned to look and he had dropped his case and all these tools shot out across the floor and under the fridge and everywhere.

The two legs were making apologies and helping to pick things up. I turned back quickly and grabbed something and shot upstairs before anyone noticed.

Under the bed I told Seb about the happening. He jumped on the window sill and looked outside.

"Oh it's the gas man - he comes every year to make sure we can have warmth from those white things on the wall. He's OK; I'll just pop down and see him. He gives me a stroke while he fiddles with the black bits on the fire. He wipes his fingers on me so it doesn't show. Keeps my coat nice and black too."

Off he went leaving me feeling a bit foolish under the bed with this nice little screwdriver thing that seems to want to light up. Maybe I'll take it back to him next year if he comes again.

Isn't Instant Heat Cool

I thought it was getting a bit cold these nights and I said to Max about it. Now Max is a rather cold blooded fellow and he can feel cold in the middle of Summer so he wasn't a great deal of help.

Anyway the message must have got through to the two legs as the other evening as I was stretched out on the settee, she got on her hands and needs and fiddled with a gadget on this thing in the middle of the wall. All of a sudden it burst into flame and she stood back quite pleased with her achievement. He was stretched out in his chair and seemed equally happy.

Max had been upstairs seeking refuge beneath the duvet thing when he came trotting down and into the lounge straight past me and, plonk, there he was in front of this flame thing. Seb also came in and lay on the rug a little distance from the flames them I felt it. A surge of heat came from those flames and it was warming the room.

"what's all this?" I said to Max.

"Shut up and get a warm before it goes out."

"Where's it going? and what is it?" I asked in my usual inquisitive fashion.

"Fire, my little friend. They put it on in the cold time - well when THEY feel cold never mind how we feel. Last year they did ask me if I wanted it on once or twice but only once or twice. It should be on all the time and we could get warmed whenever we needed to" I could see this was one of Max's special moans - best not to interupt him when he is on a special moan trip.

I moved round to his side and he was roasting. His fur was reed hot.

"Oi you're keeping the warmth off me. get your own patch. This is mine!"

I knew better than to argue so I went and laid with Seb and wondered at how that heat suddenly came in. Looks like a nice Winter coming!

A Night On The Tiles

I was having a little snooze in the garage with my mate Sebastian when I was awoken by Louie next door pounding about on the gravel. I asked Seb if he wanted to come and see her and he said No and went back to sleep. So off I went on my own.

I jumped over the fence and landed next to Louie.

"What's happening?" I asked

"We're going to have a rave." she whispered back.

"Who is? and what's a rave?" I asked in all innocence.

"If you don't know about these things perhaps you're too young to come then" she snorted looking down her nose at me.

"No no it's fine. Just wondered who was coming and where |I should say I was going."

"You don't tell anyone about it fuddle brain. It's secret - no-one must know!"

I followed in chided silence.

We climbed over another fence - there's a lot of these end of the world fences about aren't there. I guess the world ends in a lot of places. The I saw her tail slide over another fence and down into a garden. There was a lot of greeting and excited hellos going on. I guessed this was where the rave was going to be.

I slid down the same fence and met Lily - my Mum and Bluebell - my sister and a big grey tabby cat who kept looking at me and Lily and sniggering to her.

"Why's he here?" asked the big fellow.

"He's alright - a bit simple - but alright" reassured Louie.

We sat there for ages scratching and licking each other and talking about two legs and their funny ways.

Then suddenly Lily said she had to go and her and the big fellow disappeared into the twilight. Gosh it was getting dark - very dark.

"Come on Bluebell. Hurry up or you'll be lost!" a voice called out from the dark and Bluebell was gone.

Just me and Louie left. I turned to ask her about the way home and all I heard was a faint ringing of her collar bell. She'd gone too.

I didn't know where I was or how to get home. I knew it involved fences but there were so many and they all looked alike. Then I heard it. In the mid distance I heard my male two legs calling my name.

I followed the voice and climbed a fence and jumped. I was on top of that glass house thing and it was all wet and slippy and I could just make him out at the bottom of it calling me. I thought there was only one thing for it so I slid down the glass and into his arms where he held me and said he was so pleased to see me and that I was OK.

He carried me indoors - a bit of overkill I thought - and she was just the same.

"Where have you been for 5 hours, I thought you were hurt"

I remembered what Louie said and kept quiet. I remembered in the middle of the evening Max had come calling but we all kept very quiet and didn't tell him where we were. Maybe he had been looking for me to stop me getting into trouble??

I think I'm grounded right now.

You Put Your Left Leg In

Did I tell you about my mate Louie?

She lives on the other side of the road to me. It's dangerous to get over there because all these cars and stuff come roaring round and only Max is brave enough to go over there. My Mum Lily does too but then she goes everywhere - she's not scared of anything.

Well Louie is this pretty little girl cat - she's older than my Mum but not as old as Max and Sebastian. Sebastian said he used to like her but she thought he was too old for her. Anyway she comes over to see us and she likes to go in next door's garden where there's all these trees and stuff and that big puddle of water where there are supposed to be giant fishes.

This morning I was on the fence that marks the end of the world and I saw Louie down in the garden next door

"Where you going?" I called

"I'm off to play eye in the sky with those fish in the big puddle" she said. "Should you be up there? You're only little."

That did it. I wasn't having anyone tell me I was too little to do something; so I jumped down into the garden with her. My feet hurt because he's got this pebble stuff all over his garden and not the soft grass we have. I didn't let Louie know it hurt.

"Now you just go and sit quietly by the puddle and you say 'the eye in the sky has come for you' and the daft things come up to look. That's when you grab them">

"What do I do when I grab it?" I asked - a novice at this game.

"You eat it of course stupid. What do you think you do? Play croquet with it?"

Not impressed I followed Louie and we sat by the puddle and she started this weird chant she'd taught me. I joined in and very soon a little face came up out of the water.

"What the Hell are you doing you silly sausages. What are eyes in the sky?" a rather plump goldfish was addressing us.

I was sort of taken by surprise and stepped back and put my foot in the water right up to my bum and it was all cold and wet and murky.

"Don't disturb the water stupid!" moaned the fish. "We can't breath when it's all muddied up like that. If you want to swim go somewhere else this is for us fish only"

Louie mooched off up the gravel and left me at the fish's wrath.

I made a run for the fence climbed up and went over to home where my two legs were eating dinner.

"Have you fallen in the pond, Casper?" she asked "You haven't eaten his fish have you?"

What a silly question. You couldn't eat that tough old boot.

At least I got a rub down in a nice warm fluffy towel and a bit of chicken to cheer me up. Remind me not to go out with that Louie any more - she's trouble!

I Must Tell The Tooth

I can't stop laughing.

You should have seen them this morning. You see the female two legs puts this thing in her mouth with teeth on it when she goes out. When she is indoors she takes it out and outs it in a glass of water. I don't know whether it gets thirsty or what, but it sits on top of the microwave looking at me.

Max told me to go and play with it.

"It won't bite" he said. I think it was his idea of a joke - I didn't laugh at that.

Well this morning they were going out and he was doing his bit filling the car with all sorts of stuff. Cushions, water butt, stools, more plastic than they have in Tesco's and she was indoors looking around.

She looked everywhere.

"Just off up the dump" I heard him appraise the neighbours. Then I saw him making a fuss of my sister- Bluebell. I wanted tog et out there and have a word but the chaos indoors was fun.

He went in to see where she was and she said the immortal words.

"I can't find my tooth!"

That started the most amazing game of hunt the tooth I have ever seen. Max and Seb and I went around following them and we were laughing so much my tummy ached. They looked in the fridge, the freezer, all the cupboards, the microwave, that thing that keeps stuff hot when she has loads more two legs come to eat. Everywhere.

"I'll have to look in the bins when we get back" he snorted and off they went.

I sat down with Max and Seb - they had just been over to that vet person to have a needle stuck up their bottoms for some immunisation. Sebastian was most put out and said the missing tooth was divine retribution. He's very learned at times and says some profund things. I think he must have been a scholarly kitten. We never discuss his upbringing.

Then I heard the front door open and in they came. He was puffing and pantng from whatever he had done at the dump and immediately began a fresh search. The same cupboards, fridge, freezer as if the tooth had walked back in there while they had gone out! Two legs are silly.

Then he gave that Eureka cry - not Ulrika from that TV programme!

"Here's the glass!" he shouted in triumph pointing to an upturned vessel hanging on the serving fork in the cutlery box. It was hanging there very nicely like an apple hanging on a tree. I thought it was a very idyllic moment.

"Where's the tooth?" she asked. He lifted the cutlery out of the wooden box and pointed tot his forlorn specimen laying in the bottom of the rather sodden box.

"That must have been Casper going for a drink last night and knocking it over" she declared with a menace in her voice.

My laughter ceased immediately and I made for the settee and slunk behind it out of harms way. I could just see him put the tooth glass up on a shelf over the kettle. I am not sure how I am going to reach it up there but I'll have to give it a go.

When Dreams Come Real

I didn't tell you before because I knew you would think I was silly or I was under the influence of that stuff they give you at the vets. I know it's not good stuff but it makes you go all light headed and see those lovely big bowls of fish floating around.

but while I was there this absolutely huge thing came in. It was like a horse only skinnier and hairier. When I went to speak to it, it barked and the whole building shook and I thought I was going to be deaf for life. The nurse lady said not to worry it because it was poorly and needed to rest. If something that big says it's going to rest - I'm not about to be the one to argue with it.

It was just around then that I had my injection and went to sleep. When I woke up there was no sign of this gigantic thing and I thought I might have dreamed it but I knew what I had seen.

Anyway I was up on the greenhouse roof talking across the fence to my sister Bluebell when I saw it again. It came by with two two legs and it was on a leash. I think it must have been taking them for a walk as they were running along behind and looking very exhausted. I guess whatever it had done to it, it was OK. I don't think they gave it anything to stop it growing though.

I said to Bluebell had she seen it and her poor little eyes nearly popped out of her head. She's a lot smaller than me you know and these things tend to worry the girls more than they do us fellows. I told her not to worry and I would see it off if it came up onto our end of the world fence. She seemed a bit more relaxed.

I'm glad I wasn't dreaming but it is a it big. Don't tell Bluebell but if it does come up on our fence I'm not going to tell it to get down. I might run up that banana tree and hide.

Life's OK You Know

I was let out today. I made a fuss at first but then I went about my normal business.

I had a chat with Percy who was pecking away for worms.

"Where you been then little one? Haven't seen you out here for a couple of days" he enquired mid peck.

"They took me to the vet place for a nasty operation and now I'm not what I once was" I whimpered. Percy is the sort of person who invites you to confide in him.

"Know all about that little one. They do it to your sort all the time. Stops you chasing us birds you know." He didn't raise his eyes from the ground as he spoke.

"Really? I didn't know that. Max said it was about having kittens and stuff"

"What would he know? Never been outside his own back yard has he. No I know these things. Been around you see. When I was a carrier pigeon for the army I learned so many secrets they would ahve had to shoot me if I was human"

"Gosh, I never knew you were in the war Percy - I didn't think you were old enough - not like my two legs indoors"

"Ah lad, looks are deceptive don't you know. I'm 308 years old but you would never know looking at me. Still look as good as I ever did."

"Weren't you once a peacock?" I reminded him. "Weren't you very splendid then?"

"Don't be cheeky and don't contradict your elders. If you start that nonsense I shall leave you to those cats to educate you and then you'll be in a mess"

"Sorry Percy"

Percy looked up at a flight of passing sea gulls.

"They're off to rummage through the council tip. Think I might go and join them. See you later little one."

Without pausing for breath, Percy took to the air and circled round in search of the sea gulls who had gone out of the sky with their fast flying. As he soared upwards a Percy message fell to the ground beside me. I was quick thinking enough to dive for cover. Max stood at the patio doors smirking at me.

"You'll never learn with him will you Cas?" he chortled.

No Joy - Nothing Back

I lay awake all night last night. Well I didn't actually lay. I was jumping about on the two legs so they didn't sleep. Not after what they did to me.

They are keeping me prisoner now. I am not allowed to go out into the garden even and as for going to the end of the world and beyond - that is strictly off limits.

Max told me my Mum Lily had been round while I was away and she wanted to know what was wrong because she saw me go off in my basket cage. Max told her what was happening - there are some things us boys would prefer our Mums not to know but that's Max for you; always willing to tell anyone anything. Actually I was quite impressed that Lily had come to see how I was because we usually fight with each other but I guess she really likes me deep down.

I was playing with my sister the other day - we went right up on the roof of Lily's two legs's conservatory. We nearly touched the sky up there. I thought yesterday it was a good job that was before the vet did what she did or else they would all have seen I hadn't got what I should. I have to be so careful now in what I show and where I show it. Bet they didn't think about that when they gaily said go for it to the vet.

Anyway I had a check again today - well actually I check every few minutes - but nothing had grown back so I guess it is a case of saying goodbye to that for ever now.

Sorry can't stop - just seen a big buzzing fly in the utility room - got to go and chase that!

It's Happened - They've Gone!

What a day!

I don't know what I did wrong but boy was I punished.

I went to bed last night with no supper. I kept waking them up in the night to tell them my biscuits weren't where they should be and all they did was that silly - "oh what a good boy" routine and then they turned over and went back to sleep. I told Max and Seb about no food and they just looked knowingly at each other nodded and said their's was locked away in the toilet and not to worry.

Not to worry! How silly. There I was starving through the night likely to wake up in the morning just a shadow - I thought then they'd be sorry they hadn't bothered to feed me. Imagine if I just walked about as a shadow from now on. That would teach them.

When morning came I trotted downstairs with the female two legs quite willing to forgive her for a bowl of tuna and all she did was usher Max and Seb into the tioliet and tell me what a good boy I was and not to worry. Not to worry! Here I was a mere skeleton walking and all she could say was not to worry.

Then he came down and I saw it. Out came that basket thing they use to carry me anywhere unpleasant. I shot behind the settee. "Don't worry it won't be long Casper". Don't worry! I'm off to that vet place starving and they say it won't be long. What won't be long?

Then the realisation hit me. Today was the day for that operation. I shuddered for a moment and that was it. I was whisked up and shot into the basket. All credit to him; I was only off guard for a second but he took full advantage.

Off we went and next thing I was in with this female two legs in uniform. I must admit I like a two legs in uniform but not so sure here.

"Has he eaten in the last 24 hours?" she asked obviously oblivious to my emaciated body.

"No," I said "not in 24 days it feels like"

"Because we can't operate if he has had anything in the last 24 hours"

"I had a mammoth supper of kippers and sardines and then I had a midnight feast of tuna and I've just had 3 bowls of biscuits!" I shouted.

"OK then. If he's had nothing we'll take him in and do it. He should be out in 8 hours or so".

Was she deaf? Was she not listening to me? I put on my most bloated look and tried to summon up a satisfied belch to convince her. Too late my two legs were out the door and gone leaving me to my fate.

She stuck a needle in me and the room swam. I remember seeing this giant bowl of fish coming towards me. It was all pink everywhere. I was warm.

When i woke up I was in this cage thing next to another boy cat. The giant bowl of fish had gone and so had something else much closer to home I looked down and felt very embarrassed.

"Mine's gone too" came the voice from next door.

"Why?" I whimpered

"Don't know mate but just think what fun we'll have when it's out turn to do it to them!"

I went back to sleep and woke up back at home with the two legs. I thought it had all been a dream until I had a tentative look down below. Nope. It wasn't there.

Max and Seb have been really nice to me since. Guess I'm just like them now.

Did I Have a Turn!

I was out this morning having a stroll taking the airs when I thought about a little adventure. I climbed over the end of the world fence and went down the rows until I got to that nice bit of shady tree where you can sit and watch without being seen.

I must have dropped of because next thing I heard was the two legs calling my name. normally I trot back to see what they want and she gives me some biscuits or a treat and says how good I am to come. I'll stay put I thought to myself!

Over time the calling got more frantic then I saw him don his shoes and go wandering down the streets calling my name - he did look funny and it was all I could do not to give the game away by chortling. He walked right under my tree without a thought of looking up. I was going to jump on him and then I thought no.

They went home and I think they forgot about me so I got a bit cold and lonely and hungry and thought I'd better trot back on my own. Half way along the fence that separates the world from it's end I met my Mum. Now we don't see eye to eye on most things. Well to be truthful on anything. She swears at me and I spit at her. But there she was in the middle of the divider between here and there.

I made a sudden decision and jumped over her head and onto that glasshouse thing they have in the garden. I was on the absolute peak of it and could look down on Mum and the rest of the world. Of course the commotion brought the 2 legs out and there was much questioning of where I'd been. I wanted them to shut up and decide how I was going to get from where I was never mind where I'd been.

As soon as I moved onto that glass stuff my legs wouldn't work and I slid about like those silly people who go dancing on ice on television. He took charge and was telling me to come to him and he would catch me. I've seen that before and just as you get there they walk away and you crash land on your bum. No way was he getting me like that - so we had another stand off.

I was now very hungry, quite called and busting to go to pee. Isn't it always the way - when you are somewhere where it is impossible to go to pee - you need to go real bad.

After a lot of thought I decided to trust him and I slid down the glass towards his arms. To my surprise he didn't walk away but he leant out, caught me in mid-slither and lifted me to safety. I did the only thing possible at the time and bit his arm leapt to the ground and made for a quick pee in my box.

When I got there I didn't really want to go after all. I am still a bit jittery about that slide but he was OK catching me - not sure about whether to bite him next time.

Help Me Please

Oh my Gosh I just heard him on the phone.

He was talking to those vet people and I heard him say that I am going over there on Monday to lose my special bits.

I don't know what to do.

I thought about running away but I haven't got anywhere to go. My Mum just spits at me when she sees me in the garden and my Sister said she had her bits taken a few weeks ago so it seems the two legs round here like to do that to us.

I had been checking things out at the end of the world when I went over the fence but it's kind of scary there and it seems that it rains there a lot. Plus that two leg next door keeps a big puddle with fish in it and he keeps a lid on the puddle so the fish can't get out. I think I'll go and talk to them and see if I can live in their puddle and keep my bits. the fish seem ok even though they go right to the bottom of their puddle when they see me.

Max told me they were nice with a bit of Go Kat - don't know what he was talking about but that's Max.

Anyway if you have any ideas between now and Monday let me know - I have got quite attached to my bits and don't really want to lose them. Max said they give them to you to bring home in an egg cup. That's not where I want mine

I Won Hide & Seek

I am so proud of myself

You remember I said about the male two legs having this birthday party. I thought he was 09 years old and Max said 60 - well Max was right! It started with this big balloon that someone got him and it was full of this gas that sends it up to the sky. They kept saying not to suck the gas as it made you talk all high pitched and squeaky so.........

Well this was up on the ceiling just out of my reach and I got so annoyed that I couldn't get it. Max and Sebastian said forget it but I wanted it. I kept watch and gradually it started to lose air or gas or whatever it is.

Well they went off to bed one night and I managed to get on the edge of the settee and jump and catch hold of the string thing and pull it down. It was really nice and I sucked some of the air and I got this very high pitch purr. I went to tell Max but he said it was late and I should go to sleep. Seb just grunted at me in his sleep. He snores a lot - bit like the female two legs only deeper. Maybe he should have somne of that balloon gas?

Well I thought about what to do all night as I lay there holding on to the string and purring higher pitched than ever. Then it came to me. I tool the balloon away and put it in my secret hiding place - so secret I'm not even telling you where it is!

Anyway I was downstairs a couple of days later and the observant male two legs suddenly asked the female one what she had done with his balloon. Nothing she said - thought you had thrown it out.

Then he had a frantic search for it - behind chairs and everything. Then he looked at me and asked if I had eaten it - silly fellow. I put my very innocent face on and looked at him and almost purred - then I remembered that would give the game away - so i rolled on my back like Seb does and he came and stroked mea nd called me a good boy - if only he knew!!

I keep going back to check on it and it's getting smaller and smaller - do you know of anything that I can give it to make it grow again?

I've been Fighting

I love to have a bit of a rough and tumble with my mates Max and Sebastian but Sebastian says he is getting old and doesn't want to be roughed up. I told him it will keep him young and besides he has a fight with Max every so often so why can't he fight me.

I like to run through my tunnel when he isn't looking and jump out on him and turn him over. He swears at me and sometimes hits me with his huge paws. First time he sent me flying across the room and he got kind of worried but I sprung up and leapt on him again.

So I was out in the garden the other day - sitting in this tent thing they put up for his birthday party when this cat came along the fence all jingling and pretty. I looked closely and realised it was my Mum. I went over to see her but she swore at me and told me to go away. I guessed she was playing so I jumped on the fence and chased her.

I don't think she was playing coz she turned round and started a full on fight with me. I asked her not to be rough as I'm only little - well little in years if not in size, but she went for it.

We ended up in the neighbour's runner beans having a good old chase and scrap. He came out and shouted but I wasn't going to let him join in - he was too big. So Lily - that's my Mum - and me went up the fence again and carried on our fight above the gardens.

She's a strong fighter for a girl cat. I'm well tired now so I'm going to have a snooze with Sebastian. He said he was tired out after coming downstairs for his breakfast