Christmas Comes But Once a Year

Now you need to understand that the festive season is not one of my two legs' more favoured times. They fail to see the pleasure in spending one weekend climbing ladders and pinning bits of foil and tinsel into the ceiling and walls only to spend another weekend 3 weeks later removing the same tinsel and foil and then patching up the holes created by the said tacks.

Moreover he is loathe to spend hours of time dressing tree shaped lumps of tinsel with baubles and fairies only to remove the same within said 3 weeks and find that half of them have either broken or vanished. Is there some greater power out there that ensures that every sixth silver bauble mysteriously disappears only to be found in the middle of Summer.

Enough of his likes and dislikes, the female two legs decreed that decorations should be implemented this weekend and so the toil began. Max is a great man for helping in these circumstances. Two legs was atop the ladders peering into the dimly lit loft space wondering where he had placed the fairy from last year when something warm and furry brushed past him. Having been an ardent viewer of "I'm a Celebrity ...Get Me Out of Here" he at first thought he was facing a bush-tucker trial. Common sense prevailed and he realised that this was Suffolk and not South Australia, Max had climbed the ladder and was amok in the loft.

The two legs called to him - Max ignored him. The two legs enticed him with promises of treats – Max ignored him. The two legs threatened him with torture - Max ignored him. Two legs went for a cup of tea - Max joined him. Two legs returned to his venture into the loft and secured the various boxes of decorations and made safe the trap door ensuring that no feline had entered.

Disgruntled, two legs went about pinning up the decorations and erecting the tree. He laboured hard and was quite impressed with the finished result (even though the fairy at the top had a rather jaunty Julian Claryesque look about her). He decked the mirrors with the obligatory tinsel and managed to secure the berry-like beads on each branch of the tree. He felt Ihe had earned another cuppa.

Two legs was indulging in a quiet cuppa in the dining room when he heard the key turn in the door to announce his wife's return from yet another foray into the shops of Ipswich. Her delight at seeing the decorations was not exactly what he had planned - he felt he had made some catastrophic gaffe; had he placed the Christmas star too close to the tinsel bells? Even so the shriek of disgust was more than uncalled for.

He cleared away the cup and made his way back to the lounge. There was the tree scattered across the floor with broken baubles littering the carpet and the Julian Claryesque fairy looking rather forlorn and tattered. Max was sitting amidst the debris with tinsel in his fur. In the living room, Sebastian was chewing on a piece of twine which had previously supported the Christmas cards; these were now scattered across the room and over the furniture.

Two legs resolved not to have decorations next year or maybe not to have cats!!

Dog Tired? Cat Tired More Like

I was up early this morning.

Well I was waking the two legs at 4 am like they want. Well I think they want because they always shout about when I wake them up. If they didn't want it they'd stay asleep like Max and Seb do wouldn't they?

Anyway having done my duty in waking them, he took me downstairs and opened the door to let me out. Trouble with getting him up early is that he doesn't always know what he is doing at that time and as I left for the cool of the garden, I heard the patio doors sliding closed behind me and off he wandered and click the lights went out.

Oh well I thought won't be long before they come a-calling me. meantime I'll take a little wander over to where the new cat on the block lives. I saw him the other day amnd was about to make myself known when I got called in for dinner. Never one to miss eating, I forwent the pleasantries of an introduction and hurried home. Today I had time; I was later to find out just how much.

I went over to where I had seen him before but there was no sign of him or anyone else. I wandered round to my sister but she wasn't about. I went over to my Mum's - no sign of her either. I went up to Louis's and she wasn't there. i thought it must be a ghost town all of a sudden.

Then I began to feel cold and - truth be told - a little frightened. I made for home the place was in darkness.

I waited and waited and eventually someone came and let me in. I was cold and tired and all they said was "Have you had a nice run Casper?"

Sometimes people just don't realise do they?

I sat in the doorway almost falling asleep as I sat there.

Spinning Around

Was I in a spin this morning?

I was having a wander through the West Wing when I chanced upon a portal to another universe - well that's what Max said it was.

I asked him if he wanted to go through it and he said he hadn't finished his early morning nap and would rather not in case it delayed his mid morning siesta. He also said that as I hadn't been through the portal, it was only fair that he and Seb stood back and let me go

I thought how nice it is to having such thoughtful and caring brothers

I climbed in and before I knew where I was Max had accidentally knocked against the door shutting it firmly on me. There was no way I could get out.

I was scratching on the glass of the capsule when I spotted the female two legs approaching with a pile of clothes in her arms. She bent down opened the door and bundled them in without looking at me. I had a pair of underpants rammed right under my delicate nose.

I spoke to her and announced my presence and she jumped back as if struck by 1000 volts

"What are you doing in there, stupid boy. You could have been spun and drowned if I hadn't seen you. get out at once!"

Bit rich I thought she hadn't seen me at all. In fact if I hadn't called to her I might well have been spun and drowned as she put it.

I went to ask Max if he was sure about the portal to a parallel universe but he was asleep. So was Seb.

I wonder!

I Can Play Skittles

Cool game I found today

The two legs went out and bought this new bird table. They were moaning that the old one was falling to bits. It was OK when I tried flying off it when old Percy told me how to.

Anyway they brought it in and put it in the garden near where the old one used to be. They put nuts and seeds and fat slabs on it - nothing that I would fancy to be honest and went in to have their lunch looking out over the garden.
Seb and I went to join them and they kindly shared some turkey with us. I think it was the same one they had at Christmas but it tasted OK.

While we were eating Derek and Daphne Dove flew in and were hovering about deciding which bird table to sit on. You see both had food on them. Well I haven't seen Derek and Daphne since before the snows came so I shot out to greet them followed by a more sedate Sebastian. Derek was attempting to negotiate a landing on the new tab;e when I rushed through the door and ran up to him. I leapt in mid air aiming for the new table and caught it right on the apex. It slowly rolled to one side and went clattering to the grass, Derek fluttered up onto the old table and I heard him say to Daphne that the new one didn't look too promising.

"Typical of clutter brain" I heard Seb tell them as the two legs rushed out to retrieve and right the new table.

The male two legs called me a couple of choice names and I went inside to wash my paws.

Must try that again some time soon!

I Saw Santa Kissing

Well the festive time seems to be on the wane. The two legs have been eating and eating and sometimes me and Max and Seb get some of the stuff they don't want. I had some nice turkey on Christmas Day and Max had a nose in the Christmas pudding. Seb said he wasn't too impressed with the goose they had but he showed willing and ate some. It pays to be polite you know.

Anyway before all this happened - the night before to be exact - I was out for a wander and I saw him. Max and Seb didn't believe me but I did. You see I heard this set of bells first off them I heard something grinding on the road and I looked up and there he was. He was in his sleigh and there was this car in front - I suppose the reindeer had got tired if they travel all over the world. I know when I wander and I go past the road that leads to the vets I get tired and the reindeer go all over the world in one night - wowzer!

So I thought I would just watch and see and he got out of his sleigh thing and went up to this house. The door opened and a female two legs put her arms round him and kissed him and they went inside. I waited around but he didn't come out and next morning when I went for my walk the car was still there. The sleigh was but I think that was in the garage coz I saw all the marks where they had pulled it over the snow.

Wonder what was happening and whether all the presents were delivered.

I got mine did you?

Christmas is a Time of Giving

Now why do I get into trouble for being kind?

There's all this to do about Christmas and the two legs are always saying what shall we get for this person and that person. I notice they never say what shall we get for Casper!

Well you know whata kind hearted generous cat I am so I decided I would go and do some Christmas shopping of my own. I wanted to get the male two legs a present for brushing and combing me and the female two legs for feeding me and cuddling me when it's cold.

Maybe I got the wrong idea but there again I can't go into Tesco and buy things like they do. First of all I don't have money and second of all I don't have pockets and stuff to put the presents in to carry home. So I went looking elsewhere. Maybe they should do a Cats at Home Delivery service?

I was wandering through the neighbours garden when I found the perfect things. There was this lovely big leaf all brown and glistening that I thought he would like and a few paces away was this dead bird I knew she would love. Well i say dead bird - in truth it was half a dead bird - someone had been at it before I got there and had eaten part of it but it still looked good to me.

I picked up the bird and carried it to the fence, scaled the fence and laid it carefully by the patio doors and went back for the leaf. same procedure brought that home too. I hadn't got that fancy wrapping paper they use so I just carried them in and laid them on the mat for them to enjoy when they got up.

Did they thank me? Were they thrilled at my choices? Was I a hero? No. I was scolded and told to take them away. Last time I go Christmas shopping

Twinkle Twinkle NOT a Star

Oh my what a shock.

If you are eating dinner or of a nervous disposition you probably don't want to read this.

It's Christmas time and all those decorations are hanging about just right for jumping up to and pulling down.

The two legs put this stuff round their mirrors and doorways - it is all sparkly and goes all stringy when you start to chew it. Sebastian said they call it tinsel and it is not food. Now when Sebastian says something is not food I should really have listened but I thought he was just being silly as he wanted to eat it all.

Anyway I happily ate this tinsel and all was well. It actually tasted quite pleasant. There was some nice colours in it, red, gold, silver, and green - not that I could tell because as a cat I don't see colours too well

Well everything was fine until this morning when I went outside to do my business. I used to use a litter tray indoors but since I got to be a big boy I go outside now. When I can I nip over the fence at the end of the world and go into someone else's garden.

Well I started to go and all this tinsel started to come out. You have never seen anything like it! I was flabbergasted at seeing tinsel come out of my bottom.

Sebastian is right - I am not going to eat that again.

I Can Fly Higher Than An Eagle

They were sitting there eating their teas and I sauntered in quietly and climbed up to my vantage point.

They had no idea where I was and it was all I could do to stop from laughing. You know what it's like thought when you get up into those unreachable places, there's always dust there. Well so it was up here where the top of the world meets the rest. I was enjoying watching them when I felt this terrible sneeze coming on.

I couldn't hold it back and let fly.

"What the Heck was that?" asked the male two legs, looking around the floor and under the table.

Blast, another sneeze was welling up and sure enough out it came exploding from my lips.

"Where is it coming from?" his gaze began to lift from the floor and was at mid furniture level. "I know it's in here and I'm sure it's Casper"

Just then his gaze reached the ceiling and he saw me.

"Get down you clown!" he screamed causing me to teeter off balance and knock the speaker from it's ledge to the floor. I didn't know the speaker was plugged into the hi-fi system which made a gently sashaying motion before it too moved off the shelf and headed for the floor.

I appear to be in trouble yet again!

A Bundle of Joy - Well 2 Actually

The other night the two legs were watching their TV stuff. There were these two legs dancing and prancing around the floor with each other and they kept shouting "Seven" at the screen. Little things please little minds I suppose.

Well Max said he was cream crackered. personally I don't like the things although I don't mind the cheese that the two legs put on them for their supper. I usually go and sit by him and put on my best possible starving look and he usually breaks a bit of cheese off. He offered me cracker bits in the early days and I had to make it clear that I don't eat them. If I want dental roughage I have my own stock of biscuits for that purpose thank you very much.

Anyway Max got up on the two legs lap and settled down for a nap. I saw how comfortable he looked and thought "I'll have some of that too" So up I got.

Typical - out came the camera and click there I am on the internet for everyone to see. Is there no privacy laws for cats in this country?

The Eyes In The Sky

You might remember I told you about a game Seb and Max played with the fish next door last Summer. Basically they tried to con the fish into thinking they (Max and Seb) were the eyes in the sky but the fish were too brainy.

My Mum used to say to me I had to eat lots of fish to get to be brainy so I suppose it follows that fish must be clever. Then again if they were that clever they wouldn't get caught and eaten and pass their brains onto other people would they? Life often poses these unanswerable problems. I muse on them sometimes when I am not sleeping.

Anyway all this is far from the eyes in the sky I did the other day.

I climbed up on the ladder and looked over the roof of the house and gave the two legs such a start.

Hehehe they do shout and scream a lot

Party Party Party!

Hey they had a party here the other day.

They put up all these silver paper hanging things that I could jump on and they changed all the furniture round with loads of chairs and stuff.

Then all these two legs started coming - there were loads of them. Sebastian said he was going up under the bed and Max and me went out in the garden for a long play.

Then it got a bit cold so Max said if he was quick he could slide in and get upstairs under the bed with Seb without anyone seeing him. Then he opted to go to sleep in the two legs' car in the garage. I can't get into that like Max does - it's all about balancing on the wing mirror and I tend to fall off.

I thought I'd go and join the party and have some food and stuff but they were making these rockets go firing off with a terrific bang. Good thing was that it spewed out loads of paper and I was able to run through it and skid on it and slide without being told off. I'm still finding bits of paper 4 days after it happened - is that cool?

They were real nice to me and I just walked upstairs and got on the bed and slept and no-one worried. Max came in later and asked me how I did it. he thinks I've got some sort of magical power.

Don't let on will you?

Baby Its Cold Outside

By Crikey it's cold.

I went for my walk the other night and the fence at the end of the world - by the way I know now it is not the end of the world but it is such a good name I keep it - was so icy when I came back I was skidding all over the place.

Max was watching me from inside the house and when I got in he said "Have you been out drinking? I saw you rolling along that fence!"

I didn't think that was particularly funny as I could have slipped off and hurt myself.

Max has a funny sense of humour sometimes.

Anyway next morning I went out into the garden as usual and there was this huge chunk of frozen water on the grass. I looked at it carefully and noted the dimensions matched exactly with those of the wheel-barrow the two legs is always pushing around in the Summer. I remembered it was the day the bin man comes and I guess the two legs must have emptied the wheel-barrow of ice when he put the bins out.

I went over and started to lick it and - yes - you guessed it - my tongue stuck to the ice block.

Isn't it funny when something like that happens, everyone suddenly appears.

Sebastian popped out from under the lavender bush "Something got your tongue laddie?" he bellowed, putting his paw up in the air for effect.

Max was next on the scene "Oh well he'll be there until the thaw in Spring" he announced joyfully to no-one in particular.

Just then my mum appeared from over the fence and in a flash she was down beside me and she laid against my face. I thought she was going to suffocate me but ina few seconds my tongue freed itself and I moved to lick her thanks.

Too late she was gone back over the fence with Max in hot pursuit.

Blood is thicker than water you know

Sticky Moments

Hey isn't that cellotape stuff cool?

The two legs have been buying all sorts of stuff just lately and then wrapping it up in pretty paper ready for me to scratch and tear open. It's good of them to trouble.

Well the other day I had got this particularly big parcel to unravel - turned out to be an electric under blanket whatever that might be! I was bust tearing into the paper andscratching at the cardboard and I didn't notice the cellotape.

It had got all twisted round my tail and was rea;;y stuck on.

The male two leg decided he would save me. I hadn't asked to be saved but there you are.

He yanked at the stuff and I thought my tail was coming off. I yelped and tried to bite him but he was quick.

When I looked half my tail fur was stuck to the cellotape in his hand.

Max came down and was really considerate and said I should be careful about going out with a naked tail. He's been looking after me

He's a good sort is Max

What Price Sleep

I don't know about you but the moment I decide to have 40 winks you can bet you life that the two legs start doing something noisy. She will get that gobble thing out and set it off going round the house just sucking up anything on the floor - even me if I let it. It's nice that it cleans up but why does it have to make that much noise? If I made noise like that I'd get sent outside.

If it's not that they put that tiny little thing on under the TV and all manner of voices come out of it. Sebastian says it's music but I'm not so sure. It just keeps me awake when I want to sleep.

The other night I had settled down for a nice nap on the sofa. I'd got all those furry cushions just right and I was in a position where I could relax easily and keep half an eye on the TV thing in case that dog came in again. You know the one. He bounds about with the toilet roll (trying to copy me I think). Anyway as soon as he appears they go all silly and aaaaaaah and oooooooh at him. I have to remind them that this is a cat household and those canine beasts do not have a place here.

So there I was totally relaxed and what happens? Out comes the camera.

"Ooooooh Casper looks so cute!"

Well at least it wasn't that puppy dog they were ooohing at