Does My Bum Look Big In This

I know you will tell me as it is. I've heard a few snide comments going around about my size just lately. They say I am getting as big as Sebastian - now that's plain silly. Sebastian is a giant among cats and always has been. I could never aspire to his mammoth proportions.

I was a bit concerned when they said about diets and all this vegetarian lark so I have been stocking up on the old biscuits just in case the worst happens. I don't want you to worry unduly yet because I think Max and I have got it all covered after the episode with the carrot the other day.

I was minding my own business munching a few biscuits as you can see when out comes the camera and old two legs flashed at me. Well when I say flashes I mean he flashed the camera. Then there's much debate about the picture and comments about my rear quarters and their sturdiness. I was quite insulted to be honest.If I hadn't been busy with those biscuits I might have had a word with them about showing some manners and respect to their house guest but I let it slide. I think that's my trouble you know I am a bit too easy going. I think there will have to be a new side to Casper - no more Mr Nice Guy

All Washed Up

Now is it too much to asked to be left alone to sleep when you've had the kind of busy night I've had.

I was on night patrol around the streets until late and had to tell a number of roaming cats that the curfew was on and they should be home in bed. you know how some of the younger cats are these days - full of cheek and back-chat. I get so annoyed - it's not like it was in my day when a friendly clip round the ear saw you back indoors and afraid to go out again. Now you say something and before you know it there's a gang of feral cats ready to jump on you. i still do my bit for the community though.

Anyway after I had gotten home from my patrol I had to listen to Max moaning about the cold and how he hadn't had any food all day because Sebastian had got there before him. Then Sebastian woke up and was telling me how his stomach thought his throat had been cut because he hadn't eaten in half an hour.

By the time I had had a little fish and a drop of cream I was ready to retire. I popped upstairs but Max had sprawled across the bed and there was no room for me. I made for the pet bed on the landing next to the warm airing cupboard and before I got there I heard the snores coming from it which told me Sebastian had found it and had forgotten about his empty stomach.

I looked around and found the perfect place. I jumped up and curled round - perfect fit and nice and warm away from the floor and any drafts.

Just then a blaze of lights and in walks two legs "Come on Casper I want to wash! Out you get!"

I duly obliged and by the time he had finished it was all wet and miserable in there so the only place left was the settee. There is some comfort in life still

I'm Wearing the Wrong Glasses

You know how it is when you get a thirst on. You'll drink anything that's available just to make your throat feel better. Well I had such a thirst on the other morning. I think it was because I had some new biscuits and they had cheese in the middle of them. Sebastian always says he can't eat cheese because it makes him dream while Max says too much cheese is bad for you but then he normally falls asleep and you never find out why it's bad for you.

It's a bit annoying when Max starts to tell you something which could be quite interesting or could help you later on in life and then he falls asleep. I sit there waiting for him to wake up and finish the story and when he does wake up he just says "Oh I forget now don't worry me with that!

Well back to my thirst.

I was looking for something to drink and I went first for the flower vase - that is nearly always a good place to go because the water is fairly old and green and stagnant and goes down well. Just my luck - the flowers were dead and had been thrown out and the vase stood there smirking at me proud to show me its emptiness.

I went to the sink and tried to flip the tap on. I have to hand it to the two legs - they must be fairly strong because I couldn't budge the tap - not even a trickle of water in the washing up bowl. Then I remembered - he always has a glass of water on his bedside table for when he wakes up in the night.

I climbed the stairs like an athlete and reached the bedroom before I had finished thinking about where the glass was. I dived onto the bedside table and there is was! It was about a third full - he had obviously had a thirsty night so I dived in and started lapping away - Oh the joy of that cold taste running down my parched throat. I went to pull my head out for air and realised I was stuck in the glass.

I tried to shake it off but just managed to get more water up my nose. When he came out of the bathroom he took one look at me and started laughing like a drain.

"Come and see this!" he called out "Looks like someone should have gone to Specsavers!"

I owe him one for that - I won't forget.

Help I'm Being Starved

They've got a health food kick going on in the house at the moment. They said we were all getting too fat and needed a diet. Poor old Sebastian nearly passed out at the mere thought of it but I said to Max we ought to give it a try. I must admit I was getting a bit broad in the beam and Max said the last time I bent over in front of him he thought there had been a total eclipse of the sun. Max can come up with some rather witty sayings at times. You just have to be there to catch one of his gems. I sometimes wonder how many of Max's little witticisms have been lost to the world simply because no-one bothered to listen to him.

So Max and I agreed we would try this new diet lark and I heard the two legs saying it was best to go vegetarian. I didn't dare tell Seb that or he would have been off like a shot, Seb and vegetables are about as compatible as boxing on skates.

Well we waited all day until tea time and I got them to take a picture to show you coz I knew you wouldn't believe me.

A carrot and glass of lactose free milk (whatever that is) It tasted like water to me and as for the carrot I think they will have a shock when they find where Max and I hid them!

Worst was because we hid them and appeared to have cleared our plates I heard them say "Well they seem to like that so we'll have to try veggies every day!"

Any spare rooms round your way?

Safari So Good

I am learning to return to my feline roots.

I went out the other day and got into this long grass and undergrowth and it was just like roaming across the scrub in Africa where the big cats (well bigger than me and Sebastian) all come from. I went in there so deep I wondered if I would ever find my way out and then I thought about food and hunting and where to find water. Gosh it was kinda scary but you know me - I am the adventurous and hardy type so I lay there waiting to stalk my prey and before very long I got lucky. This Daddy Long Legs flew down and was perched on a grass next to me, I thought here goes you never know when I might get another meal in this jungle so I got ready to pounce.

"Leave me alone stumpy" he spat though the side of his mouth while still eating on the grass. "I've got a wife and 432 children at home. If you eat me who's gonna feen them now push off and pick on someone you own size."

I felt quite crestfallen and offered to share any food I got with him but he just carried on eating.

I thought about it long and hard and was about to go off deeper into the jungle when I heard the two legs voice.

"Come on Casper dinner's ready"

So I left the jungle and went indoors and had a very pleasant bowl of tuna and a dessert of cream. I did think about the Daddy Long Legs while I was eating but I thought if I had of eaten him it would probably have spoiled my appetite so once again I did the right thing.

They Tricked My Mate Seb

The two legs can be really mean sometimes you know. The other day I was having a wander through the kitchen and I heard them talking to Sebastian - they were telling him how they were going to get another cat for the house. I thought that will mean less food to go round so I went and found Max and asked him what to do. Max was having his usual morning sleep tucked underneath the duvet so I jumped on the bed and went round to the opening and called down to him. His muffled reply from deep down in the duvet signalled that he was "home".

I've told you before how Max is a very cold cat and always makes to get to the warmest place - maybe that is his mysterious "condition" - I don't know.

Anyway his reply indicated that on this occasion I could venture into his inner sanctum beneath the duvet. It was stiflingly hot in there but Max seemed content. I told him what I had heard and Max was totally dismissive and disdainful.

"They're winding old Sebastian up. You know how he is with food - if he thinks there's another cat coming he'll camp on the food cupboard."

With a degree of relief I left Max to his sauna and went back downstairs and my eyes nearly popped out. The two legs move fast. There was the new cat sitting as calm as you like on the back of the settee.

I went to find Sebastian who had moved his bed next to the food cupboard just as Max had predicted - old Max is a sage despite his attempts to appear dumb.

I told Seb what I had seen and he was a bit sceptical but I think he realised I wasn't joking. He rose up and sauntered into the lounge, looked up to the settee and saw the new arrival and gave a muted hiss.

The poor old devil jumped up onto the back of the settee and went to sniff the new cat's bottom. I was expecting fireworks but nothing happened. Next thing Seb snuggled down beside the new arrival and lay there with him (or it may have been a her). That cat hasn't moved in days. Seb gets down to eat but the other cat doesn't.

Funny old world!

They Aren't Playing Fair

Max and Seb told me about this great trick you can play on two legs where you climb up on top of the door and when they come in the room you jump down on them and frighten them.

I said I had heard a similar story about putting a bucket of water up there but they said that was just silly and we decided to try it out. Max was quite adamant it should be me that climbed up because Seb couldn't be relied on to stay awake even if he climbed up there in the first place and Max couldn't because of "his condition". It's funny but no-one knows what Max;s condition is but it regularly gets brought up whenever there is something he doesn't want to do - not that I would ever suggest he was putting it on.

Well I climbed up there and waited. Max and Seb curled up in the easy chairs and kept giving me an encouraging word. I appreciate their thoughtfulness with little gestures like that. It makes all the difference when someone gives you a word of cheer when you are sitting on top of a door frame with a very stiff bum and afraid to move in case you fall - or worse - still get splinters on top of the soreness.

I heard the door open and was getting ready to pounce when I suddenly realised my perching spot was being split in two. never mind pouncing, I tumbled down just as the door opened and landed in his arms - saved me a nasty fall that did. He looked a bit surprised but the quick glance I made to Max and Seb told me that they were far from surprised - they had planned my mishap all along. Who's have older brothers?

Handing Over the Reins

As has become customary over the time I have been writing to you I occasionally feel obliged to pass the keyboard over to two legs and let him tell you one of his stories from way back before I was on the scene. That time has come around now. I apologise in advance because I know he doesn't write as well as I do but you have to humour them.

This is a little story from a few years ago

My neighbour had bought a holiday apartment in Spain. I helped his wife create the web-site to promote the property but never knew quite what I was letting myself in for during those balmy evenings closeted in her small bedroom.

Nigel went out there to check on the property every 2-3 months; Jackie doesn't travel well so she stays home with the three cats and the dog and the grumpy teenage son who can't afford to go out there and if he could wouldn't because he is more contrary and cantankerous than me - I like him.

Anyway when Nigel goes, management walks the dog; Jackie can't as it is too strong for her and grumpy can't because he is too butch to be seen with a dog. Management enjoys this 3 times a day sojourn. I am usually oblivious to 2 of the 3 outings but during the long cold dark Winter evenings I am made aware of the 10 pm walk and usually summonsed to accompany management in case there are any strangers in the lanes where she walks. I would hate for them to be scared.

The other night I was readying myself for the trip (in fact I felt more like Rannulph Whistleton Twickleton Fiennes setting out for the North Pole with all the layers of clothing adorning me. All for a 5 minute walk to let the Labrador wee.

Now Jackie has 3 cats - Perrin roams and lives in the lanes; Charlie roams and lives in our conservatory, and Holly who roams and Max likes her!

Perrin and Charlie will join management on the walks; Holly does not. Max watches as far as he can from the cat perch by the window and Sebastian believes it is all far too boring and goes back to sleep.

The night in question we set out. Management went next door to collect the dog; I was charged with locking the front door. An exercise worthy of the guards at Fort Knox with turning keys and clanging locks - Max slipped out unnoticed by me.

The dog appeared with Perrin and Charlie in trail. We set off for the lanes. I lead the way (any good general will lead from the front). We turned into the lane and I was aware of a tinkling sound. It grew louder. I greeted Clyde. He is a big fluffy cat from a neighbouring street with said bell round his neck and a super friendly disposition. We spoke of not seeing each other for a while and he rubbed against my trousers. I picked him up and he purred contentedly. Charlie came to investigate. Perrin went and sat in the bushes.

Another plaintive cry. Max had come as far as the pathway and was far too tired to continue his journey. I went to see him, Clyde still in my arms. Mistake. Clyde swore at Max; Max ran up the lane, Clyde sprang from my arms and tinkled after him. Charlie followed Clyde. Perrin followed Charlie. They sprinted towards the failing light.

Suddenly they changed direction and came hurtling back followed by Huxley the weima...., wymara...., the purple dog who had been having his late night exercise up the top of the lane. Jo (that's Nigel's dog) gave chase.

Management and I stood with Huxley's owner as the hubbub subsided. Cats and dogs returned to their rightful owners and we bade each other good night and went home.

As I unrobed the multiple layers, Sebastian eyed me from his position laying on his back on the floor. I swear he winked at me

Many a Slip Twixt This and That

You know how it is after that Winter time when all the plants go all hard and spiky and everywhere is dull and dead. Then you see a little shoot of green pop up and then Max will say "It's getting warmer soon" well it's like that now.

When I go out for my stroll I see little shoots of green all over the place and Max has been saying about it getting warmer. he should know - he is always cold and says he has to have first dibs under the duvet because of his age and "his condition" I asked Seb what condition Max had but Seb just gave me a knowing look and went back to sleep. It was wrong of me to speak to him when he was sleeping - you have to book an appointment with Seb in between sleeping and eating - he's a busy cat.

Well I was about to take an afternoon nap when the noises started. The two legs were getting tools out of the garage - the first time they had done that since Christmas. Then there was all manner of chopping and throwing stuff into bins and and admiring their work. I thought I had better show an interest so went up on the fence to view and thought I would take a nap on my Summer bed up there.

I strolled along the fence to my resting place and went to lay down and the silly devil had cut it back and I slipped down the fence the other side. I was mad. I scrambled back up and told him exactly what i thought of his handy work.

Trouble was he had the camera at the ready - I think he's putting my rant on U-Tube later!

This Water Is Weird

They let me drink from that tap thing that runs and all the water normally goes down that guzzling thing in the kitchen. I don't know who lives down there but boy does he drink some stuff. Some of it is really weird with bubbles and stuff in it but every time he drinks it dry - must be one thirsty dude

Anyway there I was having a drink minding my own business when old two legs comes round and says he needs to use the bowl. I thought OK I'll be helpful and moved round to the other side of the waterfall to let him get to the bowl.

Would you believe it I stepped on that tap handle thing and I stopped the water. Gave me quite a fright and two legs looked amazed. I tried to tell him what had happened but you know how they get and they don't listen. Well in a minute or so he worked out what had happened and was running round telling everyone how clever I was to turn off the tap when I'd finished drinking - silly sausage!

It made me think though. When you get these floods and things why doesn't someone just turn off the tap. It's pretty easy and if they have difficulty I could always show them how to do it. Makes you think doesn't it?

I Found Where They Hide Christmas

You know all that fun they have at Christmas with all the decorations hanging tantalisingly for us to play with. All those jingly bells and tinsel and stuff. Well I was wondering what happened to it all when they took it away.

The two legs were up in their loft the other day. I heard her say she wanted something out of there and he was moaning about having to get ladders and climb in there and how it was cold and how there was no light and anyway he got the ladders and went up there.

I am not a great ladders person but I thought I'd just pop up and see where he had gone and I couldn't believe my eyes. It was like Aladdin's cave up there and there were these boxes marked CHRISTMAS so I did what anyone would do and poked inside for a look and wow!! There was all Christmas in the boxes so i thought I'll let it out and we can have Christmas now and I can have some presents and lots of that turkey and other things.

I got the tinsel box and was enjoying a rummage and a little chew on the shiny paper when he saw me.

I thought he was going to throw me out of the loft hole but he was shouting about me being up there and how I could have been locked in until the next time he went up there and I might never have been found.

I didn't like to tell him I would have been quite happy living up there with Christmas every day but I licked and purred at him and he carried me down to my blanket so all's well that ends well!!

Three Blind Mice

I was out the other night having a nice relaxing stroll across the fields under the light of the full moon when suddenly something bumped into me. Made me jump in the air with fright.

"Sorry" squeaked this high pitched voice "Didn't see you there"

Now I am fairly big for a boy and have never been noted for my invisibility before so I just huffed a reply to it when all of a sudden something bumped into me from the other side.

"Sorry" squeaked this high pitched voice "Didn't see you there"

Now that was a bit much. I was getting a bit angry with this when suddenly something rammed right against my bottom - that's taking a liberty.

"Sorry" squeaked this high pitched voice "Didn't see you there"

"What the Heck's the matter with you lot can't you see in the dark or something?" I snapped.

"Errm no - well not really - you see we can't see in the dark or the light - we're visually impaired - all three of us." chorused three squeaky voices

You now how it is when you have said something and then you wish you could take it back but you can't. Well I was in the field here with these three rodents and I had gotten angry with them because they couldn't see. I felt a right heel.

"Sorry guys" I said "where are you off to?"

"Well" came a squeak "we lived in the farmhouse up there but the woman up there - the farmer's wife - she got kinda angry with us leaving little poos on the worktop and she got her big chopper out and she cut off our tails so we decided we had better move out. trouble is we can't see where we're going so we don't know where the next house is."

Isn't it funny how when you have made a mistake the chance comes almost immediately to make things better.

"Guys come on. Jump up on me and I can lead you to a new safe place - I can even take you to my place where me and Max and Sebastian can look after you."

"Oh I say that's terribly kind of you may I ask what kind of creature you are because you seem all soft and furry."

"I'm a cat and so are Max and Sebastian. We live in a nice house where there's plenty of food and warmth and some nice little places for you to hide"

"Well if you promise not to eat us we'll come"

And thats how I was seen walking through the fields with three mice astride me

New Kid On The Block

Man am I hip now

I met this new kid on the block and he is teaching me how to be a cool dude. he's a real good guy - he's only young but boy does he know stuff. he knows stuff Max and Sebastian have never heard of and they are like millions of years old.

He turned up the other night and I was out for a stroll when he came round the corner. To be honest he made me jump when I first saw him coz he looks kinda scary but he just walked on up and said "Hi dude, How's it hanging?"

I didn't know what he was talking about so I just said "Good thank you" and left it at that. I was thinking about getting home for a bowl of tuna with a side of cream and wasn't really in the mood for socialising especially with the sort of person Max and Seb had told me to steer well clear of.

"You out for stroll then dude?" he asked.

"Errm. Yes. Well actually I have to be home soon. The two legs get worried if I'm late and come looking for me. I'd better run"

"Hey hang loose kid. No sense running when you can saunter. No use sauntering when you can stand. No use standing when you can lay. let's lay down and have a cool one."

I wasn't sure what a cool one was and I wasn't sure I needed one right now and not with this guy but I didn't like to cause offence, so we lay down on the grass under the hedge and we chatted.

His name is Gunther and he only just came into the neighbourhood. he's from down in the smoke where all the cool cats hang out - that's what he said. Anyway we talked for ages and he was really nice and he said he would teach me how to be cool if I showed him around and acted as his guide. We struck a deal.

I told Max about it and he was sceptical but like I said to him you can't judge a book by its cover alone

Brush Off

Hey have you tried this brush lark?

I have watched Sebastian and Max go through it for several months now and I thought - that's not for me - standing still and being combed and brushed and then having the two legs coo over you "Oh who's a pretty boy then?" What do they think I am a ruddy parrot?

Anyway the other day I was having a little nap dreaming of this wonderful juicy lump of ice cream with chocolate sauce running over it and a side order of double cream when all of a sudden it hit me. the brush was going over my coat and then the comb was going through my fur. I fought to get away but either the thought of that ice cream sundae was too strong or there was something - just something - that was a bit nice about the experience.

I thought I would endure it for a bit and I have to tell you I quite liked it. Found myself purring out loud and that got the 2 legs cooing alright.

"Oh listen Casper likes it!"

I was waiting for the Who's a pretty boy line but it didn't come; instead when he had done she just said

"Oh Casper you do look smart"

I thought that was not too bad and I can put up with some more oft hat so I now get in line with Max and Seb for my turn with the brush - they have called me some names but it's only what I called them before I knew it was a nice experience

Time To Take Note

So I found this new place to sleep. It's real cosy although it is a bit on the hard side but then I have never been one to complain as you well know.

The two legs decided to do all this re-building work and had walls knocked down and doors put up and then all the furniture got changed and it was a real pickle, Max told me he thought it was a secret plan to scare us away but we weren't for budging,

Anyway these funny two legs came one day and were puffing and panting as they carried this massive thing into the house. It looked like a giant box and I said to Max it would be a great place to hide in once it got put down. As soon as the men were done the two legs started filling this thing up with china and all sorts of stuff - no idea where it all came from but it was going in cupboards like it was going out of fashion.

Well they filled the cupboards very quickly and I glanced at Max - our hiding places were retreating fast. Then I spotted these pull out things higher up and the two legs had opened them but not put anything in them yet; so I took my moment and leapt in. hard but very safe and comfortable.

Almost before I had got my head down for a nap I was being hassled to get out. The drawers are full now so again we are looking for new hiding places

My Gosh That was Quick

No sooner had I asked where the snow was and there it came a great big white carpet of it overnight. It is so deep I get my belly covered in icicles when I go outside and the two legs have to wrap me in a hot towel and dry me - I like that. I was telling Max and Seb about the rub down and they tried it and they like it too. Now when we come in they have to have 3 towels at the ready - all warmed on the radiator and we each get a big warm rub - Max and Seb think I am pretty cool finding out about that and sharing it with them.

I saw Barnie Blackbird this morning and asked him how he was doing for food now. he said it was amazing - as soon as the snow came everyone was putting food in the garden and he was feasting well. Glad he's happy again.

I'm a bit worried now coz I haven't seen Spiky the hedgehog for a couple of days now - he may have gone off to hibernate but he never said he was going and I fear he might have got buried under all the white stuff. Whenever we go out we call for him but he hasn't answered yet. I must ask Seb if there is a missing hedgehog helpline we can ring.

Where's The Snow Got To

I was out have my pre-breakfast constitutional the other morning when Barney Blackbird popped up on the fence.

"Any bread about Stumpy?" he called at me.

I've told him time out of number that my name is not Stumpy, neither do I look Stumpy - my name is Casper or Mr September for my calendar fans. I decided to give it a rest and just told him there were some bits round by the side of the glass-house.

"This weather they don't put food out for us" moaned Barney. "They seem to think that because there's no snow we can still find food ourselves. Don't realise the plants and things have gone into hibernation too so we just starve."

I look at his bloated belly and thought it will be a long time before Barney starves.

"Have you heard what those people on the talk box have been saying about the weather Stumpy? We should have had snow long before now. My wife is on at me about getting a new brood on the go but I keep telling her it's far too soon to be thinking about that. Blinking women always want you for something Stumpy. You're lucky you haven't got a woman after you!"

He swooped down off the fence and found a discarded croissant (covered in butter) where I had said by the glass-house.

"Good work Stumpy - I'll use you as my spotter." and off he flew.

He's got me thinking - should I get a woman and where is the snow. Life is full of unanswered questions.