A Nose For Trouble

I am in trouble again.

Let me set the scene for you. I was in the study having a read pf the notice board and I thought there were a few pieces on there that should come off. Now you may remember from before that I don't always make the wisest choice in removing stuff from the noticeboard. remember the lottery ticket not discovered fro 2 years!

Well I blame those colourful pins the two legs use. They are very pretty and they are just right for me to get out of the board with my teeth. Only problem is I can't then catch the paper as it falls down the crack behind the desk.

Well I was about to have a go at a couple of pictures he has up there when he appears in the doorway.

"Oh no you don't young man!" he shouts and bounds over - well shuffles more like it - to pick me up.

Now first off I don't like being disturbed when I am in the middle of doing something and second off I will not be called young man. Man is something I am not and if he doesn't know that by know he must be dimmer than I thought.

He picked me up and put me on his back in his arms. I think he was actually going to be gentle with me but I am not that keen on suddenly being whisked up and thrown on my back into someone's arms - no matter how gentle their intentions might be.

I raised my paw in self defence and caught him right across the nose. Well did he scream out! Then there was a handkerchief issue and he was dabbing his nose with it and moaning about the blood he was losing. Off he went to the bathroom and emerged with a bright green plaster across his nose. Laugh I thought I was going to wet myself.

Then all the recriminations started.

Why was I a vicious cat? Why did he feel it necessary to toss me about like a sack of spuds? why couldn't I be trusted to leave things alone that don't concern me? Why couldn't he learn to just simply say what he wanted rather than dive in arms and mouth blazing?

After it quietened down I went on line and found a new nose for him - any idea which one I should order?

If Music Be The Food of Love

Now here's a thing to make your hair curl.

Last night I was locked out for over 4 hours. I had to endure the sub-Arctic temperatures and the dire weather. Well it was actually not quite below zero and the weather wasn't too bad at all. In fact old two legs went out in just a t-shirt!

I was out for my post afternoon nap stroll and when I came back the doors were shut and the lights off.

I called through the french doors to Sebastian who woke up and got out if his basket to see who I was. He told me they had gone off to a concert with the little two legs from next door where my sister lives. I wasn't that bothered where they had gone but when were they coming back? When could I get indoors? When could I again taste the delights of tuna and cream? Was I to spend the rest of my days as a stray consigned to the outside world living on scraps thrown out for the birds.

I began to whimper. Seb told me I was being a baby and they would only be a few hours. A few hours to a cat is like a lifetime and a half to a two legs. I settled down for the night under the barbecue in the only shelter I could find.

When they returned they were on about the music and the instruments and the clever little two legs from next door and didn't get round to feeding me for ages.

I decided if you can't beat them join them. I've bought a trombone.

Football Smootball

Now my two legs is often to be found in front of his television box watching all those little two legs in there running around kicking a ball. I have been known to try and join in and that usually brings about shouts of

"Casper get out of the way!" or "Casper I can't see through your bum!"

I find it all a bit annoying because there are times when I fancy a jolly old game of ball but there's all these two legs running about and they put a shield over the ball so I can't get to it.

Well the other afternoon I was on my way to the farm and just about to cross the big field when I saw all this little two legs running about chasing and kicking a football. I thought  - that's it. I'm in for a game.

I must admit they were kicking the ball a lot further than it goes in the television box. In there it only goes about 12 inches (I'm sorry I'm not a metrified cat so I don't understand your metres and litres and centithings and millithings) On this field they were kicking it ever so far.

I ran on the field and chased after the ball. I got right behind it and was about to start heading it round when I saw this two legs approaching. he pulled back his leg to kick the ball right where I was.

Question is what happened next?

I'm Being Starved

Now you know I don't make a fuss unless it is really necessary but this time I really do need some help.

You see Marmalade the ginger cat from down the street has taken to coming in and making a fuss of the two legs. Now they are easily charmed and he only has to rub round them and purr and they are gone!

Well I never mind sharing because I am that sort of fellow but I always believe in fairness.

Now Marmalade comes in and waits until the two legs are out of sight and then he makes a bolt for my food. Doesn't matter if it's mine or Sebastian's to be honest he just heads straight for it and gobbles it down. I was alright at first about it but then I realised that my two legs thought I was eating it and never gave me any to replace what Marmalade had had.

Enough is enough I said and the next time I went to remonstrate with Marmalade and tell him to leave some for me.

You can see his reaction!

Blogging Time Restrictions

Now I have never been one to tell tales out of school - perhaps for the very good reason that despite my wealth of knowledge I never actually went to school. When you have to fill in those forms about school and college I always put the School of Hard Knocks or The University of Life. To be honest I get two legs to put that because I am not a great writer - difficult to hold a pen between my paws.

Anyway that aside I have been finding it increasingly difficult to get on here and tell you what's going on. You see two legs has found these games sites where you can play games for free and he is always on there. The female is always on at him to get off the machine and do something constructive but I have told you before what he and construction is like so i thought it best to let him stay put. That was a Casper mistake. He is gluied to it - never gets up and she gets really cross when dinner is ready.

"Come on I've dished up"

"Won't be a minute just got a battleship and a minesweeper to destroy"

"No now. Dinner will get cold!"

"OK on my way"

Ten minutes later he surfaces and moans that his food is cold. I decided to take matters into my own hands - well technically into my own paws and I am now able to stop him and get to write to you.

Now I have forgotten what I was going to tell you today!

And That Little Piggie Had None

They went out again today - the two legs that is - they left me and Max and Sebastian on our own again. They only left one bowl of food for us and Sebastian had that before they had unlocked the garage door.

I tell you I was ravenous by the time they got back. They brought some other two legs back with them and started talking and laughing and making pots of tea and stuff while Max and I were fading away from starvation in the corner. I was trying to whimper to draw attention to our plight but I was so weak from hunger I couldn't make the sounds.

"How about some sandwiches now then?" I heard the female two legs ask.

"No problem," I answered "Don't worry about the bread or the butter just give me the filling and I'll be satisfied."

But no she wasn't talking to me but to the new two legs in the house. Thatw as it they were getting fed and watered ahead of me.

I followed my personal shopper into the kitchen and watched as she got the ham out of the fridge and opened a loaf of bread and started to spread the slices with butter.

Just then I heard one of the new two legs call out and my personal shopper went to answer them. Quick as a flash I was up to the worktop and got the lump of ham and carried it upstairs for Max and I to share. Sebastian came in and asked if he could have some too as he hadn't eaten for quite a while and was beginning to feel a little faint. We let him share.

Shortly after the scream went up and we dived under the bed and hid there.

Let me know when it's all clear and I'll pop out and write you some more.

My New Water Bed

Now you know I never complain about things. I take the rough with the smooth not that there's very much smooth going on. But this time I do have to speak out.

I had heard the two legs talking about getting a water bed and how relaxing it would be and then one of them mentioned cat's claws and what would happen in the event of a leak.They had all sorts of scenarios ranging from the house being demolished from the inside out to the house floating down the street. I thought it was all very juvenile and didn't pay much heed to their fripperies.

Low and behold a couple of days later I wandered into the bathroom and saw what they were talking about. I curled up inside the water bed - I think they also call it a loo - I think that means luxuriant opulent orthopaedic - and I was quite content.

After a little while I began to feel water seeping up from underneath me and I realised their worst fears had become a reality. We were doomed and about to sink. Worse was to come I heard two legs come in and start whistling and I felt the water coming from above as well as below.

"Gosh, Casper what are you doing there?" he cried in mid whistle.

I jumped out and ran downstairs and laid in the sun to dry off.

Silly idea these water beds if you ask me.

The North Wind Doth Blow and we Shall Have Snow

What a change! The wind is blowing so strong I nearly didn't go out today. Max went outside and as soon as he touched the patio he got blown straight back indoors. I said I had to go out and check ona  few things and do a few errands so I put my Winter woollies on.

Sebastian said I was being a bit mamby pamby as it is only September but I reminded him of the maxim (that's nothing to do with Max by the way) better safe than sorry.

I hadn't gone too far when the sun came out and I was sweltering. You can't trust this weather you know.

When I got back Sebastian was all smug with "I told you so!"

I didn't let on that I had been down to the female two legs down the road who gives me the cream off the top of her milk and a delightful cheese that she gets from the supermarket - not Tesco's but one far away. If I had told him he would have been down there like a shot putting on his poor loving impression.

There are times in this world when you have to keep things to yourself and this is one of those things.

I know I can trust you not to let them know.

Some People Are Slow Learners

A few days ago I was out and about having a stroll when I chanced upon Cleo. Now Cleo is a very nice cat but a little slow on the uptake. In fact she is so slow she makes look like a Mastermind contestant.

We were talking about the drought and she was saying how bad it was and that her carers didn't even put water down for her now. Instead they had taken to buying full cream milk for her and putting that down instead. I explained how to get water from the tap and she thought I was some sort of magician in that I could create water when there was none about.

I let her labour under that misapprehension and went about my business.

A couple of days later I met her and she had this terrible crook in her neck - almost as if she had managed to turn her head upside down. She explained that this had only happened since she had drunk the tap water I told her about and she suggested that it must be bad water.

I went home with her to get a better understanding and watched her get the water out of the tap. Now if you try this way of drinking please remember that the crook in your neck may be permanent.

Dogs Are Cool Teachers

Now you know I told you about me and Sebastian standing guard duty to see off the robbers of the plants well,,,,,

While we were out there last night this dog came along with it's own two legs. Now I think it is different with dogs because their two legs are their owners whereas we cats are never owned by anyone - we have carers and two legs that we stay with - different to owners but there you are.

Anyway he came along and barked at us.

"No need to show off like that. We know you're a scaredy and will run if we arch our backs and spit!" Sebastian said coldly.

"Yeah OK but don't let the master know. he thinks I am brave and strong and keep you guys out of his garden. Anyway why are you sitting on those manhole covers?"

We told him about the burglars.

"Oh my that sounds awful. I could have been out and seen them and they might have chased me and made me out of puff and even captured me and tortured me."

"Don't be stupid. They were thieves not murdering swine. They wouldn't have wanted a mangy old mutt like you. Anyway we had better run away and let your master think you scared us."

"Oh thanks very much chaps. I will owe you one."

With that we scuttled into the bushes and hid.

"Good boy, Atlas. Scare those cats away from our garden. I'll let you off the leash you see if you can hunt them down. Come home shortly." and he carried on to his home.

"Atlas" came to the bushes and said he was sorry to have embarrassed is with that tallk but he had to keep up a pretense for his master's sake. We asked him to teach us one thing,

As you can see from the picture he taught us well and I never have to worry where the next can of tuna will come from now!

We Are Guard Cats

It's a bit of a sad time in the house right now and it's nothing to do with me. In fact I am quite a star at the moment but more of that later.

you see the female two legs is a keen gardener and is always putting things in the ground and pulling them up and growing things of all colours and shapes and some of them actually taste nice when I have a nipple of them. She's got this glass house that is lovely and warm and me and Sebastian and Max go in there to sleep when the sun is really hot and we get very hot and it is so nice mmmmm!

Anyway she has these tubs of nice orange flowers out the front - just where you come in the path and they are fairly new and all nice smelling and good to look at. Well yesterday morning I was enjoying a lay in as it had been a busy night getting up for the toilet and going downstairs for food and playing with old two legs at 3 in the morning. I was awaken with a shriek and she was at the window saying someone had taken her pots of flowers. I know the two legs get a bit forgetful at times so I thought maybe she had forgotten where she had put them.

I thought I ought to show willing anyway and I got up and went downstairs and went out to have a look for them. I looked in all the normal places where we hide things but they weren't there. Not even in the secret place where Sebastian hides his extra food that he can't eat until he is hungry enough top manage it. I even looked under the hedge over the road where there is all sorts of funny things that the man there throws over his fence. No pots of plants.

I knew she was upset so I had a word with Max and Sebastian and we have decided to stand sentry on the patch where the tubs used to stand in case the robbers come back. Sebastian says he can be very vicious when needs be and Max has said he will scratch and scratch until he makes himself sick on the robbers. I shall just attack in my most menacing way.

The two legs are really pleased and proud of us vigilantes

Time For Reflection

You know this life gets very busy at times and I sometimes forget to just sit down and take it easy and have a good old reflect on what had happened over my life.

I was out the other day, dodging traffic and dogs and chasing the odd moth or butterfly, talking to the birds and planning my next assault on a tin of tuna when I stopped dead in my tracks. I was up on the balcony of the flats that overlook the playing field next to Tesco's. I stood there for a moment, leaning against the railings, and I just thought about all the things that had happened to me since I could remember. There were good things, fun things, silly things, serious things and some horrible things. I got all melancholy and upset. I was brought out of my daydreams by the piercing shriek of Mavis Magpie.

"What the heck are you doing Casper? No good you jumping off there. You cats always land on your feet. Besides you've got nine lives. Whatever it is it can't be that bad."

I turned with a start.

"No, Mavis, I was just thinking about my life. What I've done. What I need to do. Just taking 5 minutes out to think that's all"

"No time for that silly cat. The world goes at a fast pace and you can't afford to take your foot off the pedal (I have no idea how feet and pedals got into the conversation but....) One look away and everything has passed you by. Got to keep on the move!"

I looked at Mavis as she flew off in search of food and wondered if she was right. I think I prefer to take time out every so often just to smell the roses - don't they smell weird!