Cappy New Year

Now I am sorry if my typing is a bit slurred but I had to come on to wish you all a Happy New Year. The problem is I don't know when the right time to do it is. You see the Australian told me it was already tomorrow where she lives but it is only yesterday elsewhere so if I say Happy New Year now some of you will think I am very late in sending my greetings and others of you will think I am very early. Hopefully some of you will say that Casper is bang on time.

Talking of bang I think my belly is going to explode any minute. I had all that turkey over Christmas than old two legs says "I'm fed up with turkey - give it to Casper!"

"Cheers!" I thought "What do you take me for a feline dustbin?"

"Anyway then they found these Xmas puddings at the back of the cupboard. They are very nice with a  saucer of cream and some of that brandy butter. Well the brandy butter led to a sherry to toast the Queen and then some champagne to toast something else and I lost all track of what I was toasting and everything else for that matter.

Luckily I found a nice seat on the sofa and decided to sleep there until they stopped spinning the room round.

Glad this only comes round once a year. Have a good one!

So This Is Christmas

They have been making all this fuss about Christmas and what do I find? I have to put a silly red hat on and pretend to deliver all the presents and then all the two legs come round and start kissing me and cooing and saying silly things to me. Well I quickly put a stop to all that.

First off one of the little two legs - well to be honest he isn't that little just younger than the others - he comes up to me and goes all silly "Thank you Casper for my present" he says bending forward to kiss me.

Well I wasn't having any of that so I quickly put on my vicious face and hissed at him. He jumped back with such fright I nearly laughed my little socks off.

Then old two legs comes up and gives me some chews - now they are very tasty and I like a nice chew - and then he is bending over me saying "Thank Daddy for your present and give him a kiss"

"Oh yes" I thought . "I don't do kisses mate!" so just as he bends forward I up with my paw and swipe him on the lip. he yelps like a little girl and starts shouting about losing blood and needing stitches. What a wimp!

I decided the best thing was to go to bed and sleep until they had finished all their silliness and only then would I put in an appearance.

Happy Christmas to you too!

The Gift of Christmas

Earlier in the year my two legs dressed the house up with cobwebs and ghoulies and spiders and all sort of things nasty and when the little two legs came knocking at the door they gave them sweets and the little two legs all shrieked with delight. I remembered that.

When the two legs started to pack away all that stuff I formulated my plan to give them a thrill of their own. I love to see it when they jump up and down with delight - they are such cute creatures when they get excited.

I was watching the two legs wrapping up all their presents for the annual exchange when that vision of the shrieking with delight came back to me. I waited until they went to bed the night before Christmas and I went to find my gift which I had hidden in my secret little corner. I found it with ease and ran upstairs with it and looked for where to leave it so they would find it when they woke up. I chose her pillow.

I went off to my chair to sleep and wait for the morning and when they would be so grateful to me.

I heard the alarm go followed by a shrill shriek. It wasn't quite the same as the ones the little two legs gave out.

"Did you put that thing on my pillow in the night?" I heard her shout at old two legs as he lay there dozing/

"No it was my Christmas present to you"

"No I did not!" he shouted back "What is it anyway?"

"It's my gift to you both this year"

"It's a bloody spider!"

"No it's not. I was careful not to hurt it"

"Oh it's one of those plastic ones from Halloween. Casper must have found it and brought it up" Well at least old two legs had realised it was my gift.

"Well I can do without that sort of scare when I am waking up on Christmas morning" she exclaimed.

I thought that next year I won't bother. All the planning and good will dismissed in an instant. I tell you it makes you wonder if it is worth it all

A Little Light Reading

So there I was sitting in the armchair having a casual read of the newspaper as you do on a dull wet Sunday morning when all Hell breaks loose.

"What have you done with the TV guide?" I hear him shout from afar

"It's here in my paper" I answer helpfully

"It's where you left it" comes the female retort.

"You must have moved it. It was on the table last time I had it"

"Well didn't you have supper on the table last night? You must have cleared it off" she responds.

"No. It's here I'm reading it right now" I offer helpfully.

"I didn't move it. I was dishing up the soup. You laid the table. You must have moved it!"

"What do you want it for anyway. It's not 12 o'clock yet?" comes the logical female question.

Now I wonder if there is something in the two legs world that says they cannot read the TV listings until after 12 o'clock. Maybe they turn into a piece of cheese if they do. Max loves his cheese. Me, I'm not so keen on it. I find it makes me dream and then I get the fidgets and when I jump it wakes me up and then I have to go to the loo and then I have trouble getting back to sleep. No I leave cheese alone.

"I want to know when the football starts. It might be the lunch-time match or it might be 4 o'clock" he whines plaintively.

"Well if that's all put the TV on and find out"

"Liverpool kick off at 1:30" I offer helpfully turning the pages.

"Always have to do things myself when there should be an easy way" old two legs loves a good moan!

The TV set whirrs into life and the little two legs in there are busy scurrying about - I guess they are looking for their own TV guide. Suddenly there is a blue flash on the screen and two legs lets out a sigh.

"1:30 kick off so I'll have dinner on my lap please" he shouts through the wall. Now there's a strange thing. He wants dinner on his lap and yet when I jump on his lap and cause him to spill stuff on his lap he gets all angry and shouts. These two legs are strange creatures!

"Casper, what are you doing there with the paper?"

"Just having a restful morning."

"You've got the TV guide. Why can't you leave things alone. I've been searching high and low for that for hours!"

As if I didn't know. I'm giving up reading

Popped out for a Drink

Well me and Max were feeling a bit at a loss for something to do the other day. it had rained for days on end and there was no way we could go out in that I mean you get wet in rain. Max is quite happy to come back and be wrapped up in a big fluffy warm towel but I am a bit too virile for that and like to have a rub on the sofa to dry off - don't want those two legs doing too much for me.

Well the rained had stopped and I said to max how about a trip over to the farm. He was a bit reluctant as it is a long walk but I assured him we could have some rests on the way and I promised not to run off and leave him anywhere. He was persuaded so off we went. We left Sebastian indoors because he gets a bot puffed on long walks and he isn't too keen on the farm - he says it reminds him to much of fresh air and countryside and he would rather not.

We had a nice walk over there through the playing field and into the woods and then over the lane and into the first of the farmer's fields. It was very muddy and Max had a couple of moments where his paws got struck and we thought he was going to be swallowed by the mud but he was very stoic and we reached the sheds just as the farmer was doing unmentionable things to the cows. I told Max to look away but he was riveted on what was happening.

Suddenly the farmer saw us standing there. "Come on Moggies come and have a drink!"

We moved up to where he was sitting and sat beside him.

"Get ready to catch!" he chortled and fired the cow's teat right at us. I instinctively rose to my back feet and opened my mouth and this jet of warm creamy milk hit my throat. It was like nectar.

"What about you Skinny?" the farmer laughed talking to Max. To my amazement Max reared up like me and took a full teat's worth in one gulp. I stood up for more and the farmer obliged before giving Max second helpings too.

"Now clear off the pair of you!" he shouted pretending to throw his hat at uys.

We scuttled out and into the yard and up onto a bale of hay. We lay there in the weak afternoon sun with full warm bellies and Max sighed.

"Thanks Casper you're a good lad to bring me out with you. I feel full" In moments I heard his gentle snoring. It's nice to give the old folks a treat every so often isn't it?

Christmas Is Coming

I heard the two legs the other day say "Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat"

Seemed a stupid thing to say when they haven't got a goose so how would they know if it was getting fat or not and why would that signify Christmas. I decided to ask the sage about it all. Max was a bit down that morning. He had rushed to get breakfast only to find that Sebastian has taken to sleeping downstairs so he gets a head start on breakfast while Max is still plodding down stairs

I told Max I could get the box of biscuits off the top shelf if he helped me in my quest and I had his undivided attention for two minutes. That's about as good as it gets with Max. His mind wanders off onto other things very quickly.

"Well you see the two legs feed up their geese all through the year and then when it is nice and fat and then they wring its neck and eat it fro dinner on Christmas Day"

"But our two legs haven't got a goose so do they go hungry on Christmas Day and what happens if the goose decides to go to Weight Watchers and loses weight and isn't fat by Christmas?"

"You always make problems Casper. If they haven't got a goose they buy a turkey and and if the goose is thin it stays until next year because you know what you take off in weight one year you put back the next!"

"So when do they go to Turkey and what becomes of us when they go and is Turkey further away that Tesco's?"

"They go to Tesco to get the turkey and we get some of it too; when it's all nice and warm and oozing juices and got stuffing in the middle and bacon on the skin and a sausage up its bum"

"OMG they are awful these two legs - fancy sticking a sausage up a turkey's bum why do they do that?"

"Adds flavour and they call it the parson's nose. No Casper don't even start to ask about that and no they don't stick a sausage up the parson's nose or he wouldn't be able to do his bit in church would he?"

Sometimes I think poor old Max gets a bit confused so I let it be.

It reminded me though of when I was out in the Summer over by the farm and I met little Fluffball who was sitting on the bench with two geese. I wonder if they are fat and going to be on someone's table this Christmas or I wonder if Fluffball ate them there and then. I'm glad I'm not a goose!

Why Is Winter Warm?

Now Max is always moaning about the cold and has been on about how we are going to freeze when Winter comes. The other day he told me Winter was here and I thought I ought to make preparations if I was going to freeze.

I was wandering about looking for suitable blankets and things to wrap myself in when I chanced upon those radiator things the two legs have in every room. Now all through the year they sit there - the radiators that is not the two legs - although they do tend to sit about quite a bit. The radiators don't ever move or seemingly eat anything. Funny creatures they are.

Now I have passed by them many times during the year and being a polite cat I always say good morning to them and rub up against them. They never respond to me and are always cold as charity sitting there. i guess they must get very bored never doing anything but sit there. I did see old two legs put some paint on them once - I suppose he was trying to brighten their day.

So this morning I walked by and said my usual good morning and I heard a bit of a rumble come from the radiator's stomach. I was quite surprised and went back and rubbed against it. It was warm, bordering on hot, I shouted to Max who came and smiled and curled up immediately underneath it. Sebastian nudged his bed over towards it and when he found it too tiring just collapsed into his bed in the middle of the room.

I jumped up on top and found a lovely warm sleeping place.

I wonder why they are only hot in Winter - like I said radiators are funny creatures.

Visitors!!

Am I angry!

We have had this two leg arrive from Australia - now Max said she would walk upside down but she doesn't. In fact she is quite like the other two legs except she has this funny voice but I don't know too much more than that. You see I was locked out of my home.

I asked my personal shopper to get me some of my favourite biscuits and when they arrived she took them straight out into the garage and I didn't get any. Well then this Australian arrived and there was all sorts of commotion going on and I still didn't get any of my biscuits.

Apparently this visitor was going to sleep in the back bedroom where I like to doze on sunny days but I didn't mind too much as it is dark and Winter right now. Old two legs said he would switch the searchlight off so that it didn't wake the visitor during the night when my mates come calling. Now I knew this was my chance.

He got up and went for the garage key and opened the door and leaned in to switch the light off. As he did so I slipped through his legs and into the garage. Quickly he shut the door and locked it and I sniffed around until I found the large sack of biscuits. Old two legs had been thoughtful and opened it before putting it away. I nudge the top open and was soon munching on my biscuits - they tasted good,

After a while I thought I would pop back indoors to the warm fire but the garage door was locked. I could see the light where all the two legs were sitting talking but they couldn't see me. I cried out but they couldn't hear me.

I was trapped. Lucky I had my stash of biscuits or I could have starved to death.

Do you know it was 6 hours later before two legs came looking for me and opened the garage door and let me out. I sidled up to him barely able to walk through starvation and dehydration.

"Oh there you are Casper - wondered where you had been hiding!"

I Killed The Snowman

Now life is getting a bit complicated. You see this two legs that knows my personal shopper lives ion the other side of the world in a place called Australia. Now Max tells me that because that is directly underneath us the two legs down there walk upside down. Anyway this two legs has said she is coming to stay for Christmas because she wants to see it snow - they don't have snow down there. Well max said if they did the snow would probably fall upwards and get stuck up their noses.

Well old two legs decided he would go out and build a snowman ready for when this upside down two legs arrives. He actually did a good job and I heard him shout out to my personal shopper

"Have you got a carrot for his nose?"

I wondered why he needed a carrot for the snowman's nose and I thought he must have stuck his finger up it when he was building it and given the snowman a nose bleed and now he wanted to stick a carrot up it to stop it bleeding. The carrot was duly passed out the window and I saw old two legs ram it up the snowman's nostril. I bet that hurt.

Two legs admired his work and commented to the personal shopper that the upside downer would appreciate that when she flew in and that it would make her feel all festive. These upside downers seem pretty clever if they can fly. My two legs here can't fly.

Well I got to talking about it all to Sebastian and he said it was not a good thing to shove a carrot up your nose. he said it could stop you breathing and you could die.

I went outside to see how the snowman was doing and he still had the carrot rammed up his nose and he wasn't moving or saying a word. I remembered Sebastian's cautionary tale and decided to act fast. I jumped up onto the snowman's shoulder and pawed the carrot out of his nose. Tragedy! His shoulder disintegrated and his head fell off. I killed him and the carrot didn't.

I am keeping out of the way until the investigation has completed