Isn't The News Awful?

I was reading the paper the other morning and I thought how awful the news was.

There's nothing cheerful in the papers these days is there? All you get are stories about terror attacks here there and anywhere, companies going broke. and footballers doing naughty things with people they shouldn't. I don't know what the world is coming to.

Max was telling me that when he was a boy you could go out and leave the door open and know that everything would be where it should be when you got home sometimes hours later. He told me a tale of when he went hunting and caught a rabbit. He said it was too heavy for him to carry so he waited for someone to come along and asked them to help him carry it home. he said the two legs thought it very funny to see him and his mate Perrin carry a rabbit up the lanes between them. Nowadays Max sayd you would just get mugged and someone would run off with the rabbit or worse still they would carry YOU home!

Maybe things will get better soon if not I am going to ask the two legs to start buying those magazines for me rather than this newspaper stuff.

BY the way I think I might get myself a pair of glasses from that shop that gives you two for one. Might make the news look brighter??

Where's The Sun Gone?

By Crikey it's chilly

I wandered downstairs the other morning and waited for two legs to open the door for me; when he did I nearly jumped out of my skin. there was such a wind blowing and it was cold. I looked up to where the sun usually sits - just above the rooftop and it wasn't there. I think someone must have taken it away during the night.

I went back indoors and had a word with Max. he had got himself in position for when the fire got switched on. As soon as that flame flickered he was down in front of it. Sebastian has a seat just behind Max and I asked where I should sit.

"In the garden mate. It's still warm enough for a young un!" I think Sebastian wanted some peace!

I managed to get one of the boxes from some parcel the two legs received and asked them to put a blanket in it. It is really nice and cosy. I think Max wants it now but it's mine! Hehehehehe

Just over the fence by the end of the world there's this fabulous tree.

It has got these long leaf things that fall off and when I get to play with them they are so cool. I get a two legs to hold one end and wiggle it about and I chase the other end and it goes all stringy and tickles me. Its such a cool game

ANyway just lately the leaf things have been holding on up in the tree and try as I might to talk them down they are resolute about staying there

I told the two legs about it and he just said wait until the wind blows and then they will all come down at once. What use is that I want one now.

SO I was tiptoeing along that fence top when I saw a chance and made a jump for it. i sailed through the air and thought for a minute I might not make the tree but my aim was good and I landed in the trunk thing and got myself sorted out. Once I had righted myself I set about scaling the branches to secure a leaf.

I got one ok but trust the two legs to be there with a camera at the wrong time.

Sid Really is Vicious!

I was out strolling around the estate minding my own business when this piercing shriek broke the tranquility

"What the heck are you doing here?" asked this little black bird atop the bird table.

"Just out for a stroll" I answered rather dismissively "and who might you be?"

"I'm Sid and I'm well fed up right now so watch it or I'll have a fight with you" retorted the aggressive starling.

"Why so uptight?" I ventured to ask, thinking I was getting so brave these days.

"Look mate, I have every reason to be uptight. All the colony have flown off for Winter and me and Sylvia have been left behind. Don;t know which way they've gone and where they are stopping off. Don't think we want to stay here for the Winter either mate"

Before I could answer there was a flutter and down landed this cute little female starling.

"Oh Sid you are not venting your anger on someone else are you?" It was out fault we missed them going. If you hadn't wanted to have that final rummage through the rubbish tip we would have been with them."

"That's it blame me. Always my fault. If the world stopped spinning it would be my fault. Never mind that I was going through that rubbish dump to find you some nice stuff to take on holiday. Never mind that I was there in the cold and rain for hours. You could have said they were getting ready. You could have asked where they were going so we could catch up. No it's my fault I know"

Sid the starling was wound up.

"I saw them all swarming getting ready to go" I offered in helpful intent "they were making so much noise on the roof tops I was quite scared"

"Did you see which way they went?" Sylvia asked me, her face a picture of anxiety.

"They flew out over Tesco's and then they turned back and went out to sea. There were thousands of them. Sebastian said it was far to many to think about. Made him quite tired trying to count them."

"Thank you little fellow. They will have made for that Dutch island then Sid. Come on we can catch them if we hurry. If not someone there will know where they went."

"Now it's down to me to hurry and it'll be my fault if we get there and they've gone. Supposing twerpy here has got it wrong and they went the other way?"

"I'm going Sid it's your choice whether you follow me or not" and with that she took to the air and flew - just like a bird I thought.

"You better be right short legs or I'll be back for you!" Sid's final retort was menacing and with that he flew off to join Sylvia.

I hope they make it.

The Last Straw

Hey aren't these straw things cool?

The two legs had a party the other day and they gave each other drinks with these straw things in them. Well whenever they put the drink on the floor I nipped in and pinched the straw out of it. They were cool fun to play with and they tasted nice with that drink on them.

I got quite a collection and I hid them under the rug in the lounge. I only told Max where they were and he didn't seem very interested.

The two legs kept asking what had happened to their straw but I didn't tell them, then she was putting that monster thing round. You know the one. It makes a horrible noise and gobbles up everything in front of it and swirls it around in its tummy for you to see. It eats more food than Sebastian but it only comes out two or three times a week. I've seen it standing in the bedroom when it isn't eating and it just stands there very quiet. I think it makes the noise when she puts its tail into the electric socket. I guess I would make a noise if my tail was put in the electric socket too.

Well she had it screaming around and eating for all it was worth nd then she did it. She moved my secret hiding place.

"Look at this" she shouted "all the straws are under here. I bet that's Casper hiding them!"

I couldn't fault her powers of deduction and thought they would be confiscated as punishment but no - they let me have them to play with and even give me the odd new one from time to time,. The new ones aren't so good cos they don't taste of anything except straws and straws don't taste too good on their own.

Well I told Max and he said he didn't care anyway because straws were for wimps. I think he is jealous of my collection. I'll show you my collection when you come and see me - just ask.

Mistaken Identity

So I was showing Sebastain this feather I had caught in the garden and telling him about my heroics and we never saw this two legs come into the house.

First I knew was when I trotted into the lounge to climb up on my play station to have 40 winks. Don't know why they call them 40 winks because it always seems like more than 40 to me although I'm not sure what a wink is!

Anyway there he was dismantling my fire and taking all those coal things off and laying them out on a blanket. I rushed to find Max who was asleep in his box upstairs. He is either in his box or if it is really cold, he will bury himself at the bottom of the duvet. He told me it was a good place to sleep unless the two legs went ona cleaning spree. A couple of times Max said he had been thrown off the bed inside the duvet when she had come up to clean the bedroom. He is getting more alert to their ways now - after 10 years!

he wasn't too impressed and told me to take charge of the matter. He said he would be down when he had finished his dream of this huge plate of smoked mackerel. I thought about joining him in that dream but realised there were bigger fish to fry downstairs - that was a pun by the way - hope you liked it!

I trotted back down and saw the two legs had now taken the fire itself out and was rubbing it. I thought he was a funny burglar if he was stealing a fire and coals. maybe there is a market for that sort of thing in two legs land?

I decided to alert the household and went and found the male two legs who was doing something on his computer - taking up my blog time of course! I am going to get a computer to myself so I don't have to wait for them to go to bed before I write to you. I tried to tell him what was happening but he was in one of those silly "I don't understand you" moods.

I ran back into the lounge hoping he would follow and find the criminal at large. He did!

"Casper don't annoy the gas man - how can he service the fire if you are in and out the coals all the time. Outside! There's a good lad"

It was all alright then. Not a thief. Just there to make me snug and warm in the Winter. These two legs are not a bad lot really!

He's Gone All Classical On Me

My two legs is really acting weird now. He keeps going about saying it's like Androcles and the Lion. Sebastian says that's some Shakespeare play from way back when before they had the Tesco shop up the end of the road.

It all started when I went for my walk. I went over a few fences and into a new garden. It was all very interesting in there and some nice plants for me to play in but one of them was all spiky and it sent these little needle things into me and they kept boring in and hurting me.

I tries scratching at them but they were kind of stuck in my fur so I couldn't get them out and they were really itching. I went home and thought the two legs would help but he was laying in the bath so I waited.

When he eventually came in I jumped on his lap and tried to show him where one of the needles was. he started stroking me and didn't seem to understand . Then I got his hand right on one and he was all concerned and trying to get it out. When he did he was all proud and told me how brave I was. It was only an itchy needle after all. But there were more.

I stayed on his lap and kept manoeuvring until he found the others and he pulled them out. He even claimed one of them had my blood on it.

Then it started. He's told everyone that it was like this Androcles and the Lion thing and how he has this rapport with the wild animals. I think he's kinda forgotten I'm just a little kitten.

Still it's better than me being in trouble for doing something naughty!

I Met Some SIngers

I was wandering around the estate the other morning when this loud whistle noise shattered the early morning quiet. I looked up and on the fence was this little feathered fellow with the reddest breast you ever did see.

"What's with all the noise?" I asked

"I'm Robbie the Robin and I'm the harbinger of Winter" he chirped back at me - a little too chirpy for my liking as it happens.

"What's a harbinger?"

"Never mind about that short legs. Let Me Entertain You" he was a real pain in the backside as Sebastian would say.

"Leave him alone and be quiet for a moment." came a command out of the palm tree next to the fence.

"Who's that?" I asked

"My very bestest friend ever in the whole world. It's Gary the goldfinch." asserted Robbie. "He's an Angel; it's such a Shame"

"What's a shame?" I asked in all innocence.

"Shame we lost each other for so long but now we have found ourselves again we will Rock DJ"

"What's DJ?" I asked feeling a bit like someone conversing with an alien.

"I've got no regrets cos I'm all Sexed Up and She's The One. Come the Morning Sun, I'll be on the Road to Mandalay. That's cos we are Strong and will remain Supreme."

"Come on" called Gary from his tree "let's get you home before the Millennium"

They flew off but not before I got a couple of pictures.

When Max Went Missing

Max told me a story the other day about when they lived far away from here and he was a young cat - not much older than me.

It made me laugh - I hope it does you.


To understand the cause and effect, you need to understand the geography of their household bed chamber at the time.

Since the arrival of a fitted bedroom (they felt they had to move up-market in the boom 1980s) a dirty linen cupboard was installed. This took the form of a large and deep pull out drawer from the dressing table unit – spacious enough to allow the female two legs the luxury of weekly washing rather than daily.

It was Friday evening and the toil of another gruelling week had taken its effect. "I shall now bathe" he announced to the female two legs. She duly checked the calendar and discovering she had neither missed his birthday nor Christmas enquired as to his motives. "Cream crackers" he replied or words to that effect - Max can be a little deaf at times.

The male two legs noticed the drawer was open and mused how sweet of his wife to prepare for his ablutions. The bath was drawn and he climbed the stairs to the bed chamber to prepare for the ritualistic cleansing. As each item of clothing was removed, it was tossed with the grace of a striptease dancer in some dingy club into the drawer and with the final sock in place the drawer was kicked shut with a karate kick for which Eric Cantona would have been proud - Max said he is a legendary footballer he once knew.

The male two legs luxuriated in the suds, dreamed of many strange and exotic things and finally - with skin as wrinkled as a prune - emerged from the tub. How nice it is to wrap oneself in warm towels after a bathe. He felt mellow. He dressed and descended to the garden where he enjoyed a post-ablution cigarette - in those days it was normal apparently for two legs to smoke.

As the evening drew on he dabbled with some computer work and settled to watch the TV. Max said the two legs were answering questions on a programme to make them millionaires and got them all right – the male went outsidefor a celebratory cigarette.

On return his wife made a supper drink and they sat reflecting on another week, the steaming coffee cups clasped in their hands. "Where's Max?" she demanded.

"Not seen him since dinner when he pinched that chicken leg off my plate".

The dawning of enlightenment. The male trotted upstairs and looked in the dirty washing receptacle. Three quarters full and festering nicely. Then it moved! A black head appeared from beneath the socks and other garments. It yawned and raised itself. One stretch and it settled back to sleep. Max had been found.

Why Are Two Legs So Awkward

I've talked it over with Sebastian and he says the same - two legs are a most peculiar and awkward breed. They just seem to go out of their way to be difficult.

There I was the other day. It had been raining for hours and I couldn't go out. I'd slept myself awake and Max and Seb were busy sleeping so I was bored. I went into see the two legs who was sat at his computer.

"Come on get off there!" I said "I've got proper work to do not playing around like you"

"Not now, Casper. I'll be with you in 5 minutes" he said

Five minutes. Doesn't two legs realise that five minutes to a cat is an eternity. There are some insects that only live for a day so saying five minutes to them is like saying I'll be there in twenty years to a two legs.

Anyway I knew when he said five minutes it was more like half an hour so I went back to my climbing frame and went for a kip on the top perch.

I had just got my head down dreaming of this wonderful plate of steaming coley and a side order of wafer thin ham when the door came crashing open and in he came

"Come on Casper - time you had a game" and plop he was on the floor rolling my toys about. He always chooses the noisiest ones when I am trying to sleep. No consideration these two legs.

"Come on, you wanted to play just now. Where are you?" Before I could answer he had me in a stomach hoist and I was lifted from my slumbers and deposited unceremoniously on the rug.

"What do you expect me to do now?" I asked

"Let's play in your tunnel then" said stupid. Can you imagine him getting into my tunnel? How can "we" play in it. It's barely big enough for Sebastian to get into.

Reluctantly I stretched and thought I had better humour him with a few rolls and chases of the ding a ling ball. It's a bit degrading for a cat of my age but I like to keep him happy.

No sooner had I joined him than he shouts that he's got cramp in his leg and he shouts and moans until the female two leg comes in and massages it for him.

I look around and all thoughts of playing have gone and he has moved back to his books and is reading again. Oh well time for me to get a blog done then.

Bath Time

Now those two legs are weird. Instead of washing themselves like we do they fill a big bucket thing with water and then get into it and lay there for hours soaking the dirt off.

Well he was gone for a long time the other morning and I thought I'd go and investigate. There was all this racket coming from behind the door to the forbidden room. I sat outside and kept shouting to be let in and eventually she came along and opened the door and I was in the place where we never go!

It was full of steam and smelled really weird - all flowers like the garden. i thought I was going to be sick at first. Then I saw him laying there with all these bubbles round him. I thought I'd go and greet him and jumped up on the edge of the thing he was laying in. he was quite pleased to see me and made all those silly noises they do. Then as I was looking at the bubbles and wondering why one arth anyone would lay in them he lifted his toe up and put a load of bubbles on my nose. Well it made me sneeze something awful and I jumped down from the edge. he lay there laughing at me and she was at the door laughing. That was it! I wasn't being laughed at when I was trying to do a friendly deed by calling on him.

I waited until she'd gone and he was laying back in the water and I jumped on the toilet seat and started scratching at his bare back. Did he move in a hurry! That was so cool.

I've told them before - you don't mess with the Casper Cat!