When Max Went Missing

Max told me a story the other day about when they lived far away from here and he was a young cat - not much older than me.

It made me laugh - I hope it does you.


To understand the cause and effect, you need to understand the geography of their household bed chamber at the time.

Since the arrival of a fitted bedroom (they felt they had to move up-market in the boom 1980s) a dirty linen cupboard was installed. This took the form of a large and deep pull out drawer from the dressing table unit – spacious enough to allow the female two legs the luxury of weekly washing rather than daily.

It was Friday evening and the toil of another gruelling week had taken its effect. "I shall now bathe" he announced to the female two legs. She duly checked the calendar and discovering she had neither missed his birthday nor Christmas enquired as to his motives. "Cream crackers" he replied or words to that effect - Max can be a little deaf at times.

The male two legs noticed the drawer was open and mused how sweet of his wife to prepare for his ablutions. The bath was drawn and he climbed the stairs to the bed chamber to prepare for the ritualistic cleansing. As each item of clothing was removed, it was tossed with the grace of a striptease dancer in some dingy club into the drawer and with the final sock in place the drawer was kicked shut with a karate kick for which Eric Cantona would have been proud - Max said he is a legendary footballer he once knew.

The male two legs luxuriated in the suds, dreamed of many strange and exotic things and finally - with skin as wrinkled as a prune - emerged from the tub. How nice it is to wrap oneself in warm towels after a bathe. He felt mellow. He dressed and descended to the garden where he enjoyed a post-ablution cigarette - in those days it was normal apparently for two legs to smoke.

As the evening drew on he dabbled with some computer work and settled to watch the TV. Max said the two legs were answering questions on a programme to make them millionaires and got them all right – the male went outsidefor a celebratory cigarette.

On return his wife made a supper drink and they sat reflecting on another week, the steaming coffee cups clasped in their hands. "Where's Max?" she demanded.

"Not seen him since dinner when he pinched that chicken leg off my plate".

The dawning of enlightenment. The male trotted upstairs and looked in the dirty washing receptacle. Three quarters full and festering nicely. Then it moved! A black head appeared from beneath the socks and other garments. It yawned and raised itself. One stretch and it settled back to sleep. Max had been found.