Let's Party

I thought I'd been shot last night. That's not a nice feeling you know.

The two legs had some of their other two legs friends in and they were having all sorts of goodies to eat and they were laughing and being silly. I said to Max it might be an opportunity to nip round the table and see if we could get any of that salmon or pate that they serve up. Max said he really couldn't be bothered because his "condition" was playing up but if I cared to bring him a little salmon with no condiments on it he would try and sample it. Sebastian on the other hand thought it was a wonderful wheeze and was out of his bed faster than I have seen him move in weeks.

I led the way downstairs. It is expected of me now to take the lead in any adventures as the other two prefer to be led. I am happy with the arrangement in general except when they blame me for things going wrong and always say "Now if I had been running operations". I always want to say well run them then but I am too polite.

I made for the table via the back of the chairs and settee. It is a bit of a tight squeeze but I got through; that was when I thought of my companion. Sebastian was straining behind the second chair which had got itself pushed back against the wall. I doubled back to check how he was.

"It's OK son - you go on and complete the mission. Don't worry about me I'll make my way back." Pregnant pause. "If I can make it"

Sebastian can be a bit of a drama queen at times. He would have made a great actor had he not preferred a life of sleep and food. I carried on.

I got to the table and saw the lovely pink salmon on the plate and close by was a dish of that lovely soft pate and the smell was wafting down to me as I hid beneath the table cloth. I looked for a way out and saw the French doors were open. That would lead me to the back door which I knew was open and a quick scuttle through the kitchen and I could be back in the bedroom before anyone knew what had happened. I went for the salmon.

I got a lovely couple of slices in my mouth and was just at the French doors when the clock started to chime.

"Midnight! Time for the champagne!" I heard one of the two legs shout and before the clock had finished striking the bullet shot past me with a deafening bang. I leapt in the air. The salmon flew over my shoulder onto the grass and I found the bullet. Evidence if ever it was needed about how I am treated. In a flash Percy flew out of the tree down onto the salmon and scooped it up and was gone back into the tree.

"Thanks Casper!" I heard him call. I hadn't the heart to tell him it wasn't for him.

I went back upstairs. Max asked if I had got any food. I said no. He reassured me that his digestion probably couldn't have handled rich food tonight anyway.

Sebastian wandered in and asked the same question. I said no.

"Now if I had been running operation........" I closed my ears and went to sleep.

From Zero to Hero

I have had a bit of a bad time lately with getting into trouble for scratching the new settee. It's not my fault really. the cloth is so good to dig your claws into that when you pull away it exercises my legs better than any walk. I told Seb about it and he thinks he is going to take up this new exercise. Exercise was something Seb never used to like to think about but this is relatively easy except when the two legs see you doing it.

Anyway I digress. Yesterday I was having a tour of the upper storey when I chanced on the bathroom and checking to see if there was any water in the bath I got distracted. You see the two legs leaves cups of water all over the house. This stems from something their previous cats apparently told them. They said that cats do not like to eat and drink from the same place. Now this is of course an old cat's tale but it has served us well as I get to drink out of the kitchen tap, Max has his cup in the bath - he tends to spill things so the bath was the ideal place for him - and Seb has a bowl near the fire by his bed - that way he doesn't have to walk too far.

Well I looked in the bath and got a fright. There was this unholy din coming from the toilet cistern. I jumped up on to the toilet seat for a closer inspection. of course as soon as I did up comes two legs.

"No Casper no more jumping out the window please you go back downstairs. Good boy"

I tell you there's no way these two legs are on the same wavelength as us felines.

Well today they went out and I went back and listened and the noise started again. I was about to nudge the cistern top off when they came back and he was upstairs to change.

"What you sitting there for Casper? You got a dirt box downstairs."

How silly. I know where my dirt boxes are. She followed and seemed to understand a bit more. "There's a bee in here" she said with gravity.

He disappeared to get shoes and protective clothing. After much shushing and listening and stepping forwards and back the cistern lid was removed and he announced there was a dead bee in the cistern. Now I am clever enough to know that dead bees don't hum so where was the hummer. As he went to lift the cistern lid back out popped the other bee and flew towards and straight out of the window.

They put the lid back and returned everything to normal.

He then came after me and told me how clever I was alerting them to this intruder and how he had been searching for his mate who had drowned.

I was just disappointed I didn't get to hear that buzzing noise any more it was kind of soothing.

Oh well at least I am in the good books.

My Health Check

Now I wonder if you remember me telling you about my helping Percy build his nest and get food for his pregnant wife? You do? You were paying attention - thank you. Well Percy's wife has now hatched her babies - there are two boys and a girl Peter, Perry and Petronella. Percy told me to keep away and stay off night guard duty while the little ones were really little in case they saw me and got frightened. Percy is quite a sage so I did as he said besides he has a ferocious looking beak that if he fell out with you he could probably hurt you.

I decided to have a look the other morning to see if the little ones had grown enough not to be frighted. I went up to my fence bed and quietly called to Percy. He came out looking a bit tired

"What are you after then?" he asked none too pleased to see me

"I wondered how the little ones were doing. Whether I could see them yet and if they needed anything. I feel bad leaving it all to you."

"you are a rum one Cas. Most of your kind would be trying to get in here to have a feed off the little ones and there's you wanting to feed them. Yes go and fetch some worms if you can. Not too big mind; they aren't as big as us yet. I'll ask Penny if you can see them when you come back."

Cor. I was being trusted to go find food for the little ones. I had to do a good job. I jumped down to the vegetable patch and was searching around quite unaware that Barney blackbird was on the other side.

"Changes your eating habits Stumpy?" he called across the patch.

I was so surprised to hear his voice a jumped a bit which he noticed. I told him my mission and that I really wanted to do well to show Percy I could be a good nanny to his offspring. Barney was surprisingly supportive and offered to help too. he dug up three or four juicy worms and laid them out for me. I thanked him and climbed back up to Percy.

"You were quick Cas and a good selection there - well done" He took the worms from me one by one and took them inside the nest opening I could only see his rear end as he was handing them out. He turned and flicked his head beckoning me to look inside. He moved aside and I peered in - In the nest were three tiny baby pigeons trying to devour a worm each. Penny sat with them all around her a juicy work hanging from her beak. What a lovely sight.

Percy told me to get down onto the garden table as he hadn't forgotten my plaque that he was going to clean. I did as he said. He fluttered beside me and put his head in my mouth and started pecking at the back of my teeth. It tickled a bit but was quite pleasant. he work for ages and when he finally stopped I ran my tongue round my teeth and they felt like new. Wow. He was good.

I thanked him and then he said to stop still and he would clean my ears. He started picking all the long dead hairs out. I could hear better and I looked less ragged. He is my bestest ever mate now

I wonder how many cats have their own groom and dentist.

Did You Feel the Earth Move

Oh have I had a turn today?

You know what it's like when the unexpected comes and bites you on the bottom - well it bit me with all fangs deep on my little bottom.

I was taking the airs this morning. I do like to stroll along the fence tops and have a look in the neighbours' gardens. I know the two legs are always on at me to tell them what I see but I am a cat that respects confidences and what goes on in other gardens stays in other gardens. Except for today. My little heart is still pounding away.

I was looking into the new garden some new two legs have made since they moved in and in the corner has been a box with some sacking over it. Max said I should go and investigate one night but after my escapade with Percy and his wife I am less inclined for nocturnal adventures of late.

This morning the box was there and the side was open and all the sacking had been taken off. Well I thought it won't do any harm to pop down and have a look. See what was inside. Then I could wait my moment and tell Max and he would think me a hero again.

I jumped down and made a quick reccie of the area. It looked like the two legs were out. Their car was off the drive and there was no sign of life. I edged nearer the box and smelled that smell of stale green that comes up every so often. I began to think I had made a mistake coming to look. It's strange but other gardens always seem so much more intimidating and you expect something to leap out from every corner. It remained quiet and nothing pounced on me. Eerie.

I moved closer to the box and looked inside. Nothing. What a let down! Just a mouldering old lettuce leaf and loads of straw. I was sorely unimpressed. Then I noticed a couple of rocks by the edge of the grass. They were different from rocks I had seen before - they had this pattern on them. Quite a pretty pattern actually. I thought I would go and see if they were heavy and if not I would take one home with me as a souvenir.

I got up to it and was about to nudge it to test weight when it moved. No I am not imagining it - it moved. I leapt in the air like a gazelle. Then this wizened old head came out of the rock and said.

"What do you want?"

I tell you I was so scared I could have run a mile if my legs had been working.

"I,,, Errr.... Nothing Mr Rock"

"Mr Rock? What's got into you. Terry look at this twerp here."

The other rock moved and a similar wizened head appeared and turned a tiny pair of beady eyes in my direction. "Has it just woken up too?" rock two asked rock one.

"I think it's still asleep. It can't talk. It can't move and it has less brain power than those ants we had for breakfast" asserted rock one.

"I've never met talking rocks before. Am I dreaming? Am I hallucinating on the cheese I had for breakfast?"

"We are tortoises and have just come out of hibernation. We sleep all winter to miss the cold weather. You must be from over the fence."

"Yes I'm Casper and I'm two"

"We're Terry and Tommy and we are 107 years old. Let us get on with our foraging please."

I bade them farewell and went home. Talking rocks and so old I guess that's what two legs call old fossils.

No Rest For The Wicked

There i was this morning out in the sun having a lovely early siesta after a night of heavy duty nuisance making when up he starts.

Out comes that noisy machine that eats grass faster then any flock of birds can. On go his boots and I thought. "That's it no more sleep for me"

"Oi" I shouted across the lawn to him. "Can't you do that some other time? I'm just ready for a nap in the sun and you're about to make enough noise to wake the deaf"

"Oh sorry Casper got to be done. Can't have you getting wet bellies when it rains can we?"

Well to be honest a wet belly is no great hardship. It simply means when we come in we get wrapped in the warm fluffy towel and dried off. I tried to reason this with him, but you know what two legs are like. Not a chance they will listen to you.

I wandered indoors intent to at least get some sleep on the duvet provided Max wasn't still deep inside it. I just got settled in a comfy patch with the sun streaming through the window onto me when I heard footsteps on the stairs. Yes she was coming up. And she had the machine with her that sucks everything off the floor.

"Sorry Casper hoovering has to be done. Anyway you should be out in the garden enjoying the sun."

"Yes I know but he's out there cutting everything that moves. No chance to sleep out there!"

"Go and join your Dad he's out there cutting the grass."

"I just told you that! I want to sleep that's all. Let me be or tell me where no-one will be so I can go there"

"Go and find your brothers they are sleeping somewhere. Tell them to get up and enjoy the good weather while it lasts"

I've given up on sleep for today.

My Guard Duty

You remember I told you about how I was asked to be responsible and stand guard for Percy and Penny Pigeon and how it nearly all went to pot because I didn't think I could get out. Well I was brilliant. Percy even said he slept well without having to worry.

I was up in my bush bed above the fence and I did like Percy said - keep your eyes open and shout if anyone comes near.

I saw all sorts of things going on. There were a load of moths flying around those lights that go on when it gets dark. I wanted to get down and chase them but I knew I had an important role to fulfil so I left them to their silliness while I kept sentry duty. Then I saw the big fluffy cat from up the road. he came wandering into the garden and started eating the bread the two legs leave out for the birds. I wanted to get down and fight him and send him away but I stayed put.

Then I got really frighted. A fox came into the garden and started sniffing around. He had some of the bread that was left and then he went over to the bins and nudged one open and put his head inside and started eating and making funny noises. I was as silent as the night itself and just watched. He went away the same way as he had come but with a full stomach.

I saw a spider spin its web right across from the glasshouse to the rose bushes and he sat right in the middle of it until one of the moths strayed from the silly game in the lights and got tangled in the web. The spider shot out and wrapped up his prey and went back to his waiting game. I guess he was on duty like me.

Then I saw the lights come up over the fence and the birds started singing and I guessed it was time to see if Percy was awake. I stretched up and peered into his nest. it was very cosy looking and Percy and his wife were nestled side by side gently cooing to each other in their sleep. It was a lovely sight.

I heard the French doors open and heard two legs call for me. I called in to Percy. He opened an eye and looked startled to see me peering at him.

"What do you want?" he demanded.

"Time for me to go. The two legs are up and calling me. They'll come looking if I don't go. They might find you."

"Oh OK good thinking matey. Good job done there last night. Come back and I'll do that plaque for you. Don't forget. You don't want to lose your teeth!"

I thanked him and ran down the fence and jumped down to meet two legs.

"Good boy Casper, Where have you been? Sorry to leave you out for so long but we need our beauty sleep. I suppose you've been asleep in the bush have you?"

Little did he know how wrong he was. I slept nearly all day. Just time to have my tuna and cream.

It's tiring being a super hero.

My Dentist

I was having a quiet doze on my bed up in the bush next to the fence when I was awaken by this noise that sounded like an unoiled rotor. I opened one eye and saw this huge pigeon disappear into the conifer tree and a moment later re-appear and fly off with the squeaking noise of those unoiled wings. he hadn't gone very far when a low cooing came from the tree. Someone was in trouble or in pain or both. I stretched up to have a look.

The unoiled wings sounded again and a huge body was on the branch just above me.

"You touch one feather on me or my family and I have your eyes out. Comprendez?"

"Yes sir I do but I wasn't going to hurt anyone. I thought someone was in pain. I was going to see if I could help." I blurted in defence.

"Hello Perce. How are you doing? Haven't seen you in a while" Max's voice came from over my shoulder. I hadn't seen him come up. "It's OK this is the young one you met last year. He's grown but he's one of us. No danger to you."

"Right only the missus is pregnant and we thought there were two and now we find there's three so I am having to build an extension to the nest plus feed her and build reserves for the little ones when they arrive. Any time now."

"Let me help" I broke in. "I can fetch you sticks for the nest"

"OK." said Percy "I could use a rest"

I shot down the fence and picked up a stick and carried it back up.

"What's that? How the Heck do I get half a tree in there for the nest. Leave it alone. I'll do it. I need tiny twigs stupid."

Whether Max made one of his signs to him or whether Percy noticed my hurt look and the tear welling in my eye, his voice softened. "Try again and go for the smaller twigs. You weren't to know"

I climbed back down and rummaged in the rubbish heap and found some nice soft twigs and carried them back up. My mouth was covered in dirt and they tasted horrible.

"Thanks that's so much better. You're a fast learner. What's his name?" he asked of Max. Why he couldn't ask me I don't know. Max told him.

I got three more lots and Percy was very grateful.

"Here let me clean you up" he said and with that he started cleaning my whiskers running his beak and tiny tongue along them. It felt really nice. "Got dirt in your teeth?" he asked. I nodded

He told me to open my mouth wide and he started putting his head inside and pecking away at the dirt around my teeth. It seemed odd having a bird's head in my mouth. "Oh you got some plaque there son. I'll do that for you once I've fed Penny."

"Thank you but can I help get the food. I've got some tuna indoors and some fresh cream."

"Very nice of you son, but no good to us. Penny wants fresh worms. You can go and get some from where the two legs were digging earlier."

Worms I thought. Oh well. Down I climbed and started rummaging through the soil they had recently turned over. I found three big ones and put them in my mouth and carried them back up to Percy and Max. Percy took one out of my mouth and fluttered into the tree to feed his wife. The worms were wriggling about in my mouth and tasted all slimy. Ugh! In a moment he was back and took the second worm and disappeared again. The third fellow decided to try and escape down my throat I was gagging.

"Open wide. head forward and belch!" ordered Percy

I did and Percy's head shot inside my mouth and I felt him grab something right at the back of my throat. He pulled the offending worm out and fluttered in to his wife.

"Thanks" he said re-appearing shortly after. "Do you want to help with the night watch?"

"Yes please" I answered not knowing what he meant.

"Be here at 2 in the morning and you can watch from then till 6 OK?"

"But I can't get out."

"Use the cat flap"

"Haven't got one" I could see the despair in his eyes. "Wait, I can jump from the bathroom window onto the bins and down. Then when the shift is done I can hide under the barbecue until they open up in the morning. I'll be here"

"Don't forget then" urged Percy.

That night I slept fitfully until 1:45 when I stealthily made my way to the bathroom. I jumped up onto the window sill and looked out. The bins seemed further away than I though. Could I land on them. Would I get hurt. I was shaking and knocked a deodorant spray over.

I heard two legs coming. "What are you doing Casper? Don't jump out there you'll break your neck" and he closed the window locked shut. I felt a failure. My first mission to help Percy and I had failed.

Two legs looked at my sad face. "Did you want to go out to do your business? Come on then" and he went downstairs with me trotting alongside."

He went straight to the French doors and opened them. "I'll wait for you. Be quick" he urged.

I turned and looked dejectedly at him.

"Oh sorry you want your privacy. I'll lock up so you'll be out until morning OK?"

I purred loudly.

He went back upstairs. I ran across the garden and up the fence just in time to hear Percy's call.

"Bang on time lad. Good show. Now keep an eye out for anyone coming near. Me and the missus are off to sleep. Stay awake!"

I am on guard duty - wow!!!!

They've Stolen Time

I was having a lovely nap this morning. I was in the middle of this field of plants where all the tuna you could ever want grew and the farmer kept coming over and watering it with cream because he said there was a water shortage and I was eating and drinking as fast as he could sow and pour. It was the nicest dream I could have had when all of a sudden>

"Come on Casper. Time to get up and out in the garden please!"

"Steady on old chap. It's not 6 o'clock yet. I haven't even been up to lick your face and besides there's a fresh can of cream coming any second."

"Come on. Clocks have gone forward so no time to lay a bed!"

Whatever was he talking about? Where could the clocks have gone and what had that got to do with me? I might not wear a watch but I know when it's food time, or sleep time or play time or - my favourite of all - annoy the two legs time. Right now was dream of food time.

He was off downstairs and I heard the doors open and next thing Sebastian was making his way downstairs too closely followed by Max who was taking it all as if nothing had changed.

"What's the problem?" I asked Sebastian anxious not too distract him from his descent of the stairs. I sometimes watch him going down and expect him to roll head over heels down the stairs but he somehow keeps his balance despite his body being at a really strange angle.

"Clocks gone forward" he replied nearly missing his footing and sliding precariously close to the edge of the stair.

I races past him and into the study. There is a clock on the wall there which seems a very accurate timepiece as they always refer to it when they are going anywhere. It said past seven o'clock. Not right. It was still six I know - my tummy tells me when to get up.

I went into the kitchen where Sebastian was waiting by his bowl. Max was inspecting an imaginary spot half way up the wall and two legs was standing in a trance yawning.

I heard people outside and I realised someone had taken an hour away from me while I had been dreaming of that field of tuna. If you see someone with an extra hour in their pocket would you ask them to bring it back to me please.

I need my time.

Spider Spider

I like it when the two legs go to bed and we have the run of the house and we get to play with all the folks who come out at night.

Before they had a wooden floor all downstairs and we used to play with Sidney Spider and all his family - there were hundreds of them. But then the two legs had this carpet put down and Sidney and his family were trapped under it and couldn't get out to play. I used to hear them calling to us at night saying they were trapped under all the carpet.

Eventually they managed to get through a tiny gap between the wall and the carpet but that was when they needed my help. You see the lady two legs heard this story that spiders don't like conkers. Now I can understand that in part because although they have eight legs they don't have proper paws to hold the conkers with and they couldn't get a good swing because they are too close to the ground.

Sidney put a different light on it. Apparently the word in the spider world is that if they enter a place where there are conkers present, either in their shell or out of it, then the spider will have minutes to live.

Sidney popped up the other night and asked me to go and check for conkers. I found one and sat on it as Sidney and some of his family went by. I knew there was another one in the lounge where they were headed in search of a miscreant fly who had strayed indoors when the door was opened for us earlier in the day. I like Sidney and his family and didn't want them to move home so it was important I got to the conker before they did. I tapped the one I had been sitting on into my pile of toys where it would not be seen too readily and shot between the family as they headed for the lounge - they move fast and they have eyes all round. Sidney told me they have 8 eyes - one in each knee. I don't know if he was being serious but that is kind of awesome.

Anyway I dived in front of them and got to where I knew the conker was hidden and laid down on it. Ouch! It was still in its case and it pricked me hard in the bum.

"Problem?" asked Sidney noticing my discomfort.

"No no just a twinge of cramp - getting older now you know" I lied.

Sidney was straight up the lounge curtains and spun a web across to the sideboard to trap the fly. In seconds the fly was in the web and Sidney and his family moved in like an army unit to remove the fly and carry it back to their underground lair. I kept perfectly still until the last one had disappeared back under the carpet.

I got up and let out a little yelp. My bottom was very sore.

I'm A Hero

Hey these two legs are a pair of woosies really. Last night there was a bee flew into the lounge and there was all this panic from them. Getting papers out to shoo it out and shouting to one another about where the bee was.

Sebastian opened one eye from his slumbers in his bed and gave me a knowing look. Max said it was a good sign if bees were about - it meant it was getting warmer and he crawled back under his duvet to go to sleep.

Now when there is a panic in the house I feel I should be the one to restore calm so I went to help them chase the poor little bee out of the French doors. Not sure why but he clearly didn't want to go out into the chill of the evening and took up a position on the curtains just out of reach of the two legs' flailing paper swatters. I had to admire the little furry fellow - he knew what he was doing.

"Casper. This should be your job. You're here to stop intruders!" thundered two legs.

What I thought. Me? I am a tiny little fellow and the two legs are giants and yet they expect me to go into battle against any intruder. Typical. You do everything you can to make them feel comfortable and still they expect more of you.

I trotted away in a huff and decided I would show them.

I came back ready for the job and caught the bee and sent him out into the cold of the evening. Satisfied> I asked

Do you know they didn't even thank me!

Hot House

After my little adventure by the sea I decided I needed to get of the sun's rays on me. Max has always maintained there was a benefit from laying in the sun and soaking up whatever heat was going. I am beginning to think that he knows something because after my jaunt to the seaside I felt totally rejuvenated and for a cat of my age that is pretty good.

I didn't fancy another trek over all the fields to get to the sea so I looked for something closer to home and there it was. The glasshouse in the garden. The two legs are always in and out of there putting plants in pots and watering them and all sorts but I heard her say the other night that all the planting out was now finished.

I knew she keeps a chair in there with cushion and all for Sebastian so he can o in there and sit with her while she works. He usually falls asleep and isn't at all interested in horticulture so I was up early and into the glasshouse to put my metaphoric towel on the chair for the day.

I curled up on the cushion and thought comfort. I smelled the nice earthy smell of the plants in the compost and I felt the temperature rising as the sun broke through the clouds and rose over head. This must be Heaven. So quiet and relaxing and oh so warm.

"Casper we're going out now are you coming in?"

"No way I'm comfy here thank you I shall not be moving all day"

"He looks very comfortable and it is warm. Shall we leave him out?"

"I'm not coming in"

"Yes. I'll just get him a bowl of water and some food in case he gets hungry!"

I have found my new summer retreat. Move over Sebastian - Casper's here now!

Sunbathing

I thought the weather was quite favourable today so I went for a wander down to the seaside. There weren't too many two legs about and I found this fabulous row of chairs all unoccupied.

I jumped up and ran along until I found this one that just suited me and decided to have a stretch out and a nap while taking in the sea air.

I had just got into the first stages of this lovely dream about a hill erupting and flooding down with molten cream. I was salivating so much I was actually dribbling. Very bad form for a young cat about town like me.

"Oi it's £2 to use a sun bed mate!" boomed the voice of Jobsworth in his peaked hat.

I looked up at him through half open eyes. "I'm not exactly carrying a wallet with me old boy"

"Can't have you sleeping here if you haven't paid. The other tourists want to sit down and they will pay. Not fair to take a seat from a paying tourist."

I surveyed the row of empty chairs. "Not many takers yet by the looks of it"

He loomed tall over me and started fiddling with his ticket book. I sensed there was no chance of clemency here.

I got to my feet and jumped off the chair darting between his legs and along the beach.

"Oi you still have to pay for the time that you were here! I'll have the law after you sunshine!" he yelled at my departing bottom.

I found a nice little cove on the sandy beach and settled down for a nap there.

No-one disturbed me and I came back home relaxed and with a nice tan.

WIMBLEDON'S COMING

I don't know about you but I like the tennis game. It's fun watching all those people moving their heads backwards and forwards as the ball goes back and forth between the two legs all dressed in white.

I mentioned Wimbledon to Sebastian and he told me some weird story about creatures that used to wander about picking up the litter. he said his great uncle Bulgaria was one of them and someone called Tobermoray - I think it must have been after one of his afternoon naps and he wasn't quite sure what he was talking about. Mind you there is a lot of litter about and I do sometimes wonder how it all gets cleared up; if it didn't surely there wouldn't be enough room for cats and people.

Well I heard my two legs talking and they were saying that they had to get their order in for tickets or they wouldn't be able to see the tennis and I thought that would be a bit of a shame and then it occurred to me that they wouldn't think to get tickets for me anyway. if they were going to watch it they wouldn't leave the telly on for me and Max to watch so I had to get moving myself.

As luck would have it I popped into my mate's house and he overlooks the ground so I made myself a comfortable bed on the window sill and am ready for when it starts.

You have to get up early in the morning to catch old Casper out you know!

Good Game! Good Game!

Oh my word did I have a fun time but did I pay for it.

You see in the two legs' study - where I do all this writing to you - he's got a big notice board and they pin stuff up on it. They usually use these nice multi-coloured pins which are great to pull out of the board and take down to Sebastian's bed and drop in there. Then when he turns over he lands on the pin and squeals and jumps up. He never seems to realise the pin is there or if he does perhaps he is just being nice to me and making out like he is hurt. Either way it is fun and he never gets really cross with me.

The two legs did though!

It seems that under these pins they keep some paper which they have notes on and other things - something called Lotto tickets. Whatever that is it seems that these tickets get you a lot of money when you take them back to the shop. I think they must be like antiques or something. Anyway they were having a clear out the other day and moved the cupboard unit that is right under the notice board and there were some of these pink tickets on the floor.

"What the heck are these doing here?" I heard him shout.

"Oh my Gosh they could be winners she said where were they?"

"Down behind the unit!" his voice trailed off as his eyes moved across to me. I sensed there was going to be an awkward moment or two so I sidled away,

"Casper come here!" Now this is where we cats have an edge over dogs; if dogs are called they instinctively turn and run towards the voice. It is not their fault it is just something they can't help doing. Now a cat is different. We hear but we don't have to listen or obey. We were brought up to assert our independence from the start so we never do something unless we want to or or we really need to do it to curry favour. Now was a time that favour needed to be curried and how.

I put on my sweetest smile and glided over towards him purring and rubbing round his legs.

"You didn't take those naughty pins out of the board and hide Daddy's papers did you Casper?" it was working - his voice was all gooey.

"Of course I did - how else could I get a pin to stick in Sebastian's bed. Do you think I can climb into that silly set of drawers of yours, open the box and take a pin out. Of course I can't!"

"Daddy knew Casper wouldn't do that. Must have been one of your cats" he announced turning to the female two legs.

"Doesn't matter who did it we had better check the numbers" as usual hers was the voice of reason.

"Oh no they are a year old we couldn't claim anyway. Best not check them." Her eyes landed on me - she knew the truth; no purring and cupboard love (pardon the pun) would work there.

I made for the garden and sat under the lavender bush. I wonder what it would have been like to be a millionaire's cat.

There's None as Deaf as Them That Don't Want to Hear

Well there was all this rain today. Started when I woke up and didn't stop even when I was asleep. I try and catch it out. I lay there and pretend I'm asleep and then I quickly open one eye and it's still raining. Makes me wonder about all sorts of things. Do they still happen even though I'm not there to see them? If I am feeling particularly philosophical about that sort of thing I will curl up next to Max and we have an in depth discussion about it. Max is one of life's great thinkers. He once told me that he had thought of more things than any cat could ever do in ten life times. I am in awe of Max's brain - he is like some super being.

Anyway I decided I had to venture out to tour the estate and pay my respects to some of the wildlife wandering about in the rain. I went to the door and was immediately told.

"You can't go out Casper it's wet"

"I know it's wet - I've been watching the rain"

"If you go out you'll get wet feet all over the furniture"

"Then you'll have to get that big soft warm fluffy towel and dry me"

"Then we'll have to dry you off and you don't like that do you?"

"Yes I do. I love being wrapped in the warm fluffy towel"

"Go and use your dirt box"

"I don't want to go and use my dirt box. I'm going out to visit."

"Well don't blame me if you catch a chill"

The door opened and out I went. I went to see how Harry hedgehog was managing under the compost heap. He was well and his family were looking good. He was pleased to see me and we spent a few minutes in conversation.

I wandered over to the lavender bush and made myself comfortable in the mud under the bush. Sidney Starling and Cecil Seagull would be down in a minute for a quick feed and a chat about conditions on the coast. Cecil has broadened my mind considerably with tales of seashore activites.

After I had finished my socialising I went back in and asked for the towel.

"Now I've got to dry you off"

"I'd like that please"

"You won't like that and it's no good scratching"

"I won't scratch I like it"

"Why don't you listen to me when I tell you it's wet outside?"

"Why don't you listen to me when I tell you I don't mind?"

"I hope you had a pee while you were outside. Your boxes aren't down yet!"

"No I didn't have a pee while I was out because it was wet in case you hadn't noticed and I would have got muddy feet digging a hole and I would have been in more trouble! So could you get my box ready please."

"If you need to go you'll have to ask to go out again then"

"But then I'll get a chill and you'll have to dry me off."

They wonder why we keep quiet most of the time; I ask you.

Visitors

Hey today was pretty amazing.

The two legs had visitors and they brought some dogs with them - wow can you imagine - dogs in my house.

I saw them getting prepared and I sensed something was going to happen when he took our food dishes and boxes upstairs and into the bedroom. We never eat in bed - the meat and fish tends to get everywhere and the last thing you want is to wake up with a bit of dried fish stuck to your coat. I told Sebastian what was happening and he said not to disturb him because he wouldn't have so far to go for his sustenance. I told Max and he told me that it was probably to help him recover from his "condition".

There is no way you can help some people so I knew it was left to me to keep alert. I saw the two legs arrive and then I saw them go and get the dogs out of their car and take them for a walk. I think it's quite funny whenever Max or any of us want to go for a walk we go on our own. But dogs - they have to have someone walk with them and lead them. I guess they haven't got our sense of direction. Mind you Max says they simply haven't got our sense!

They looked friendly enough dogs but you can never be sure. I was up for going down to investigate but the door was shut and we couldn't get out. I tried to talk it over but Max was asleep and Sebastian was eating as fast as he could. We went to sleep.

When I woke up the door was open and I could hear noises downstairs - a sort of snoring sound but not Sebastian. I gave Max a prod and he said he could hear it too. I said I would go and investigate but Max came over all masterful and insisted he went to investigate saying I was like a bull in a china shop. I don't know how he knows these things because to the best of my knowledge he has never seen a bull let alone see one on a china shop which again I don't think Max has ever seen.

I woke Sebastian and we listened as Max stealthily crept downstairs and circled to the back door. We heard the female two legs let him out into the garden. a few minutes later we heard the male two legs open the door and call Max in and usher him upstairs. We heard the laboured climb of the stairs.

"Well?" we asked in unison.

"Just two dogs sleeping on the settee" Max reported.

"Sleeping on my bed?" asked Sebastian. "Have they eaten my biscuits?"

"Nope." replied Max and promptly set about a lengthy washing. Further discussion was not allowed.

I thought it safe to go and investigate but the door was shut again.

By the time I got downstairs there was no sign of the dogs. Maybe next time we will meet.

Watch Out There's a Thief About

I was a hero yesterday but no-one recognised it.

You see I was having a pleasant afternoon nap in the sun when I heard this noise outside. It was a big van pulled up on two legs' drive. Now I know two legs doesn't like strangers parking on his drive cos he can't get his car out and he gets all cross and angry.

I thought I would be helpful so I walked round to see the van and tell then to push off. Trouble was there was no-one there. Then I saw this stranger walk out of the front door and go and get some tools out of this van. I thought two legs must have things under control so I went back to the sun and topped up my tan.

The noises got more and more weird and I thought I ought to investigate. Well I walked into my kitchen and you wouldn't believe your eyes. The two legs from the van was on the floor taking out that thing that washes all the dishes. He was whistling away merrily without a care in the world. I was going to stop him and then I looked again and he was a bit big so I thought I'd go and get my two legs - more of an even contest then.

I searched for him or her and wondered where they were. I knew she was in that glass house playing with all the little plants and I didn't think she would be able to fend off the two legs with the van who was taking stuff from her kitchen.

I went into the study and there was two legs reading a book as if nothing was happening. I scratched his chair to attract his attention and just got the proverbial brush off!

I jumped up on the desk and head butted him and shouted to come quick because he was being robbed.

"There's a good boy come to see your Dad. What have you been doing you're all hot. Laying in the sun I bet!" totally oblivious to what was going on a few yards away.

"You're being robbed! Get up and sort it out!" I yelled at him.

"Let dad read his book and you go back to the sun. Good boy Casper!". He patted me on the head and I knew I couldn't do any more to rouse his interest. It was left to me to save the day! As usual.

I saw the van two legs carrying the big machine to the front door and new I had one chance. I shot between his legs and tried to trip him up.

"Can you get your cat sir" he shouted to my two legs "nearly sent me apex over spine with the washer!"

"So sorry!" my two legs replied appearing on the scene in a flash. I spent all my efforts trying to get him up and one word from this van owning machine snaffler and he's there.

"Casper get out of the way and in the garage" What thanks for saving a disaster.

I watched from the garage and saw the van get filled with the old washer and a new one was taken out and carried inside. There was more noise then I saw the two two legs shaking hands and exchanging pieces of paper.

"Two year guarantee - any problems call me." said the van driving two legs cheerily.

I was let out of the garage and went into the kitchen and saw a new machine where the old one had been. The female two legs came in from playing with her plants and beamed and said how nice it looked.

I couldn't have got it all wrong could I?

Evening Out

As it was our birthday last week and she couldn't come to the party down the lane I decided to take my sister Bluebelle out last night. I know you will have trouble understanding this but we have the same birthday but we are not twins. We look completely different but we were born on the same day. I tried explaining it to Max and Sebastian once but Max got confused and Sebastian fell asleep half way through.

Anyway I had a word with my sister over the fence during the morning and we agreed to meet up and go out for a drink and a spot of ratting last night.

I had a nice long sleep so I would be ready and able to impress her and then I came down and asked the two legs to let me out.

"No you're not going out. I want an early night!" she answered.

That was disaster what was I to do. I had my sister waiting for me and I didn't want to be late. truth be told she is a very pretty girl and I was looking forward to walking out with her.

I started a number of tricks to get out. first I climbed the curtains chasing an imaginary fly. Then I decided to scratch the furniture - that usually gets them so mad. Tonight they just shouted at me. He was watching his football with all those little two legs running about in the box in the corner. I jumped up on the TV stand and sat in front of it so he couldn't see. One of the two legs booted the ball straight at my bottom and I was about to jump when it rebounded away without touching me. I must have some kind of aura about me.

Is till wasn't winning so I decided to use Max's ploy. He goes to the doors and just scratches on the glass. it makes a horrible noise but he just keeps going until they get up and open the door for him. It worked in no time I was outside with strict orders to be back in 10 minutes.

Very silly order to give because in case you hadn't noticed we cats don't wear watches. if we did they would slide down our legs and end up in all the puddles we like to play in.

I was still early and I got to Bluebelle's cat flap just as she was checking her appearance before coming out. I tried to whistle at her but I never learned how and it came out as a rather wet psst. First move of the night - an embarrassment!

She came out and smiled - she looked very nice.

We went off for our evening and had a lovely time. She hadn't been into the woods before and when we got there she was a bit nervous but I was all manly and reassured her and showed her the best place for catching the shrews and voles as they come out for their food. They are quite a jolly bunch over there and know me now and let me catch them. Bluebelle was impressed and when I took Sidney shrew back to her she asked if she should eat him. I was horrified and Sidney was a bit put out. I explained it was all a game and we didn't need to eat them as we had plenty of food at home. In fact I told her there was a standing arrangement that if the weather giot bad and there was no food about for Sidney and his family they were allowed over to ours to share our food. Bluebelle thought I was a true humanitarian.

We finally went home and I saw her to her cat flap. We rubbed noses before she finally disappeared indoors and the flap clanged closed.

I wandered home feeling full of the joys of Spring.

"Where have you been? It's gone midnight. Didn't I say 10 minutes? You're grounded now matey!" I forgot they have to stay up to let me in - No cat flap like my sister.

I went to bed somewhat deflated but at least I have some good memories

Happy Birthday Mummy

It's my Mummy two legs' birthday today and I asked my male personal shopper to go and get me a card for her.

"Tell you what Casper, I'll make you one for her" he replied chippily

"Oh no please!" You know what happens when he makes something. There's chaos everywhere; lots of shouting and blaming all the tools and something rather epculiar at the end of it.

I could do nothing but smile sweetly at him and pray that it went reasonably well. I think Max and Seb go straight to her and say what they want without the need for the subterfuge. Well of he goes into his little room and there's rustling of card and the crash of things falling over as he hunts out scissors and stuff to decorate the card with.

"I know; a cat silhouette!" he shouts out at no-one in particular and another series of crashing and yelling before quietness falls and I peer round the door to see him cutting out intricate shapes and sticking little bits of paper all over the place. I thought it best that I go for a stroll in the garden. The rain was refreshing and it's always nice to play in the mud puddles that spring up.

I left it 10 minutes or so and thought I ought to show an interest in what he was doing so went back in. he had done a pretty decent job and was putting the finishing touches to his masterpiece. i jumped up for a closer examination and walked across the card.

My muddy paw prints showed where I had been. I knew I was in for trouble. I ducked to hide from him.

"Oh nice idea, Casper - your own signature on the card. Smart fellow!"

You never can tell how these two legs will react can you?

Dressing To Kill

They tell me it is my personal shopper's birthday tomorrow. I am pretty sure she is older than Sebastian but no-one mentions age in the house only our ages. Two legs are funny like that - they will happily tell everyone how old we are but when you ask them their age they always hum and hah and never come up with a number. Sebastian says they were pretty old when he was a kitten so I guess that must make them 15 or so - pretty old as you can see.

Anyway she likes to dress up for special occasions and they all dressed up in oriental stuff the other week to celebrate somebody's New Year. I thought it was a bit naff but I put on my coolie hat and my cheong sam like I was told to and I did get some rather pleasant tasting prawn goodies that night so it was worth it.

Well this time I have no idea what the theme was but I have got this damn silly hat and a cloak that gets in the way when I want to wee. I've had it on for almost all day now and it's getting a bit of a nuisance. I asked Max why he wasn't dressing up and he said he couldn't because of his "condition" I asked Seb and he said it was too early to be dressing up . When I asked him later he said the time had passed and it was too late now.

When can I take this off?

FLEAS - PART II

Now I had to tell you the outcome of the stand-off over the flea squirting.

I was majestic. I was careful the whole day. Every time a two leg approached me I made them show me their hands to make sure they were not concealing the dreaded squirter.

The day passed with complete success and even Max and Sebastian began to lose that smell that comes from the squirt. The evening wore on and it got nice and warm and cosy in the house and Max and Sebastian were asleep - Seb in his pet bed and Max in his right next to the radiator. I heard Max's contented purr and Sebastian's deep snore. The two legs were watching the magic box that holds all those people and places.

He got up to make a cup of tea and I snuggled down in his chair all nice and warm from where he had been. I heard him come back snort and go and sit in the other chair. I was comfortable. I was warm. I was tired from the day's excitement and from my subterfuge. I drifted off into a lovely sleep with this magnificent bowl of tuna just out of my reach. I kept stretching out to reach it but it inched away every time.

She was there! She squirted the back of my neck with the cold smelly stuff.

It was so quick I didn't have time to strike out. I made straight for my tunnel and hid.

"Good boy, Casper. Come and have a treat. All over now!" she cooed

Not blooming likely. I thought they had forgotten about it but they have memories like flipping elephants. I really thought I had triumphed and then a sneaky attack when my eyes were closed.

I shall get revenge

FLEAS - NO THANK YOU

Oh my Gosh it's that time of year again when the two legs get all excited about fleas.

You can't have a good old scratch without them shouting "Fleas!"

Now last year I was a novice to the game and they kept squirting me with this awful smelling stuff and then telling me how good I was and giving me treats.

Max and Seb on the other hand just wandered up to the two legs and took the squirt full on the neck and roamed off. They stunk of the stuff for ages afterwards.

Well today she got the squirty things out and caught Max and did him. I watched and he barely flinched but boy did he smell. Then she got Seb who never turns a hair whatever you do with him. He just stood there and looked for his treat and then went back to sleep. I could smell him from across the room.

"Come on Casper" came the sweet coo.

Not ruddy likely I thought and dived under the table.

There was a lot of coaxing and calling but I stayed resolute. Then he came on the scene. Dived under the table and grabbed me. I thought I had had it then but I managed to wriggle a leg free and scratch out. He was whimpering and moaning but held firm. It was a test of resolve. She came nearer with the vial of vile stuff (hey isn't that clever!) I wriggled a bit more and caught him on the arm and he flinched just enough to let me jump out of his arms and bound free. I found a lovely bolt hole in my tunnel. Every time they came near I swore and struck out.

They've put the stuff away now and I am unsquirted. I think this is a battle of wits that may last for some time. I remain undefeated.

I'm Bushed

What a night!

I was all ready to turn in when Max said he fancied a quick wander around the grounds. He's a bit doddery when he goes out especially in the dark so I usually go along with him just to make sure he doesn't come to any harm. I never let him know that I'm there to look after him I always say well I'll just pop along with you then. I think he knows why I go but because we don't say anything he keeps his pride intact. Very much a cat with pride and self respect is our Max.

So I says to two legs "Open the door" and of course he does.

Well Sebastian decides he will come too. Now that is always a problem because Seb is not very good at climbing fences and while I am helping him, Max will often wander off and lose himself. I need eyes in my backside when I go out with them - worse than having two kittens to look after!

We hadn't gone very far when Sebastian made his excuses and returned home - I must be honest and say i was a bit relieved I could concentrate fully on Max. Well we wandered around and lost track of time and if truth be told direction. Oddly it was Max who said I think we should be getting back you're dropping off the pace I don't think you're as fit as you used to be! I chuckled and didn't say anything.

Well we made our way home and got to the door to find everywhere in darkness. I scratched the door and called out to them and eventually a bleary eyed two legs appeared and let us in.

"What time do you call this?" he demanded

I couldn't tell him that cats don't wear watches and to us time is relative. It would have been an interesting intellectual debate but he didn't seem as if he wanted to know.

"Two thirty and you roll up as if nothing is wrong. I'm going to bed!"

Max and I followed him up and I was fortunate to get a comfy spot. I am having a good sleep in today!

Can I have a Bed for the Night

You know how it is. You get comfortable in a chair somewhere and someone comes and puts their big backside in your face and says "Come on move off I want to sit there!"

I sleep in his chair by the computer - the one that spins round and round and there he is saying "I want to use the machine if you're not using it".

I get up and amble off to the pet bed and Sebastian is in there. I nip upstairs and decide to go under the duvet for some peace and quiet and there is Max having his customary warm.

"Can't move Casper - the heat is good for my "condition""

Well I thought I just have to find myself my own bed and there it was. I jumped up onto the new settee and straddled the back and the comfort was unbelievable. I had a good sleep up there with no disturbances. Maybe I have got my own bed at last.

Early Morning Meals

I was over the fence in the other garden talking to my mate Coby the Koi. He's really nice and friendly but he tends to have a very short memory. Max said all fish were like that.

"Morning Coby," I started, "what have you been doing today?"

"How do you know my name? I've never seen you before"

"We have a chat most mornings and you told me your name. I'm Casper"

You're a funny rooking fish. You got all fuzz on your back and you got regs" I am gradually getting the hang of Coby's Japanese accent.

"I'm not a fish Coby I'm a cat"

"Ah so you are cat-fish. You still rook funny!"

"Where's your mates Coby - they usually come to see me too"

"I got no mates mate. I rive all on my own" and with that he swam around the pond."

"Who are you?" came a plaintiff call as Coby came back in sight. "Why you rook in here at me? You want to eat me yes?"

"No Coby. I don't want to eat you I just had a lovely bowl of tuna and cream. I just came to talk."

"Ah you want to see my mates. They down there somewhere eating food from bottom."

I had a horrible thought for a moment and then realised he meant the bottom of the pond. I had another horrible thought about what was down there.

"You come down and eat with us prease"

I felt the horrible thought turn ten times horribler.

"I'm absolutely full Coby and besides I don't swim good"

"Nonsense you cat-fish. You swim rike a sea-rion. Come on down"

Coby disappeared to the bottom of the murky pond. I dipped my paw in to test the water - it was cold. Just then I got a jet of cold water up my bottom.

"Get away from my fish, moggie" he shouted aiming the hose of water at me.

I was up and over the fence before you could say frozen assets and back indoors for a warm by the radiator. Don't think I'll be quite so neighbourly in future

Nightmare Of Nightmares

Well I am about 50 years older this morning.

Last night we had our party down the lane - Bluebelle couldn't come because she was having some special treats with her two leg family but me Max Sebastian and Louie went for a game on the bins. It was cool. Sebastian is really good for a big lad and he had some classy moves - he was trying to impress Louie but she wasn't interested.

So I was having a lay in on the back bedroom bed this morning - right in the middle of a lovely dream about this massive bowl of tuna that just would not empty no matter how much I ate. I was so enjoying it when I was awoken by a strange noise. I opened an eye and looked at the window and there was this giant two legs face looking in at me. he must have been so tall to look in the bedroom window and he really scared me.

I jumped up and ran downstairs to tell my two legs about it and as I got there the face came in through the patio door and started taking the television to pieces. Now I know my two legs likes his television and he wouldn't be happy if this thing that morphed form a giant to normal in a few seconds opened it up and let all those two legs out. Come to that the lady two legs wouldn't like all those legs running about her room after she has put the cleaner round.

I had to act fast and I ran up to this creature and he rolled me over on my back and started rubbing my tummy. Rather humiliating. Just then my two legs came in and I knew there would be a row, maybe a fight and i was laying on my back legs in the air.

"Ah I see you met Casper then" said my two legs

"Nice little fellow isn't he. You know I think he was actually trying to stop me working the way he ran over." the monster spoke really nicely and reassuring - I let him continue rubbing my tummy.

"Oh he'll do anything for attention will that one" announced my two legs in a somewhat discouraging tone. "Come on Casper let the man sort out the TV."

Appears the giant was just an ordinary two legs who used a ladder to spy on me. You never can tell who's about can you

Happy Birthday

Hello everyone it's my birthday - I'm 2 years old today!

I also want to wish my sister Bluebelle and my brother Monty Happy Birthday today too - we are all 2. You know I see Bluebelle quite a bit because she lives next door and you probably remember my Mum - Lily - took me to see Monty once just before she went away.

I've not gone back to see him in a while and I might go over there today just to wish him a nice day.

I don't know if the two legs know it's my birthday - I haven't seen them bring any presents in but you never know.

Tonight we are having a party. Seb is bringing his girlfriend Louie and Bluebelle is coming. I asked Max if he wanted to bring anyone and he was all mysterious and said he might and then again he might not - depended how he felt and how his "condition" was and whether it was raining or if the wind was blowing or if there was a frost. I said he could please himself - I'm considerate like that.

Anyway we are going down the lane where they keep all those coloured bins outside and we are going to dance on them and play a sort of Twister game. We did that once before and Sebastian got into a really funny position and knocked one of the bins over and all this food and stuff came running out and we had a feast. I think Sebastian had arranged to do it on purpose because he could have chosen one of the bins with all that grass and garden rubbish in it.

Don't let the two legs know where we are going will you - we want it to be our secret.

Isn't Rain Cool

I like it when it rains.

I can't wait to get outside and have a run in the rain and let it get all over my coat. I like it because when I go indoors again the two legs get a big soft warm blanket or towel out and wrap mme up in it and rub me until I am dry.

They are funny because when they are drying me they talk to me like I was a little baby and say all sorts of silly things. I take it in good spirit and don't say anything top upset them. They are happy doing it so why spoil their fun.

Now Sebastian will join me sometimes and he is quite happy to accept a warm towelling after although he doesn't get picked up and turned over on his back like I do - I told him it was because he was too heavy and he got a bit miffed.

Max - well Max hates going out if the temperature is below roasting point and if he does venture outside he is straight back in and lays by the radiator. he told me the towel was a bit rough for him and he objected to the constant rubbing motion and he didn't like to be upside down and it all affected his "condition".

I don't know what they are going to do with Max - he can be such a hypochondriac

Shopping Day

Usual panic in my house this morning. Saturday id their big day. They go off to get the shopping and I have to leave a little note to remind them to get my biscuits and my cream and my tuna. Sebastian just leaves one note which says food.

Max on the other hand is quite contrary about his dietary needs and only eats what he wants when he wants to. He is not one to take advantage of his personal shoppers but he does seem to like the prospect of making the choices himself. I think Max would be a very good shopper. he is methodical and would wander the aisles of those supermarkets reading all the labels before deciding what he wanted. By the time he had got it home he would have changed his mind and not want it any more. that's where Sebastian comes in handy. Anything anyone doesn't want to eat he does. He's better than a waste disposal unit.

There they were this morning all ready to go shopping when he calls out "Are the bags in the car?"

"No, they are in the utility by the washing machine"

"Oh no! We've got someone wants to come shopping with us!"

There was Max comfortably curled up in the shopping bag quite happy to be taken. Sadly he was ousted and we were left behind while the two legs went and got the supplies. They made some pretty fair choices so I suppose I shouldn't complain

Massage A Day

So I have had this achey back for a few days; I am sure part of the trouble comes from the two legs having moved my bed from next to the radiator to under the window. I am sure the damp gets in and those cold winds and you know how that plays havoc with the joints. I was telling Max about my problem and how I was finding it difficult to climb up the fences. Max is something of a sage and he told me about this new masseuse who has moved in up the road.

Max said he had been approached but would not take the chance in case it set off his "condition". I asked about Seb and Max just said she doesn't do house calls. Silly of me to think Seb would wander all that way with no food in it.

I went up the road and there she was just as Max had said.

"You're a bit young for me" she purred "but come on in we've got the place to ourselves"

I followed her through the cat flap and she led me upstairs.

I lay on the bed as she asked and then it happened. She jumped on my back and started working her claws in and out. I don't mind admitting I screamed with the pain. The more I screamed the more she dug in and she was screaming too.

When I finally got up to go I had no pain - well I had no feeling at all in my back.

I guess she's good