I've Been Bullied

The sun was out today so I went for an easy stroll before breakfast and caught the early morning rays - life felt very pleasant.

As I was returning back to the house for a tray of tuna, I noticed the bread had just been put out for the birds and I thought a nice crusty piece of wholemeal would be the perfect apetiser. I wandered over to partake and was still musing on the warmth of the sun when this horrendous squawk came into my ear. I immediately jumped on the defensive.

It was Sidney the Seagull and he had taken exception to my helping myself to his breakfast.

"Do I come into your place and eat your breakfast?" he screamed at me.

"Well no but I only was going to have a small nibble before I went indoors. I wasn't going to eat it all"

"Then there's your two brothers, they'd be out here having a small nibble and before you know it all the food has gone and I go back to my family with no food and they starve. I might even starve before I got back to them. All so you can have a small nibble before you go indoors. Selfish little thing that you are!"

"I'm truly sorry I didn't think like that. I just fancied some roughage before breakfast. It's important for us to keep regular you know."

"Oh yes you first again. never mind whether me and the family are regular or not, Never mind whether we starve or not. Just so long as Mr High and Mighty has what he wants. Listen Buster in this world you have to look after your mates or you find your mates aren't looking after you. Just think on that next time you fancy having someone else's roughage."

"Yes you're right. I was thoughtless. I am young so blame it on inexperience. I won't do it again"

"I shall be watching you."

And he swooped onto two pieces of bread and soared off into the sky.

I felt devilment rise in me and I snatched a piece of bread and ran indoors with it. trouble was it wasn't crusty. It was all soggy from the rain yesterday. Guess I shouldn't have been greedy after all.

I don't think Sidney saw me though.

Rain Makes Puddles Make Trouble

Now here's a funny thing.

I have been going outside for a nice roll in the dust. The sun gets through to all my body and the dust works as a kind of abrasive to tone up my skin. When I come in my personal groomers take me to one side and brush and comb me with all those soft silly words I was telling you about and I feel quite refreshed and ready for the hard day ahead.

Well I went out the other morning and someone had left the shower tap on and there was rain everywhere. I thought it was a bit careless when they all say there is a shortage of water - I must say there is never a shortage of water in my bowl nor cream for that matter. Anyway never being one to cause a fuss or trouble I carried on about my business ignoring the shower tap although I did wonder why the two legs would put the shower int he garden when they usually went into that snug little cubicle box next to the bath. I am rather partial to that bath because if you jump in there unexpectedly you can often find Sid the Spider sitting in there. He jumps so high when I jump in it is really funny, then he gets all grumpy and tells me to let him know when I am coming.

That aside I thought I'd have my usual roll in the dust and over I went. Guess what? Someone had taken the dust away and left it as mud. That was even better. The mud got all over my coat and I knew it would do my complexion the world of good. I rolled about and got lovely and covered in it. I thought it would be good to then stand under the shower - the one the two legs hadn't turned off - and get clean. It had stopped raining!

I thought about it and decided to go indoors again. There was no-one about so I decided to dry myself rather than wait for them. I couldn't find the towel so I jumped on the settee and rolled on that. Max said I was asking for trouble. What a silly expression - as if I would actually ask for trouble. trouble finds me without me going to ask!

Sure enough within a couple of seconds of Max's words in came the two legs and shrieked and chased me into the kitchen. I did get a rub down in the big warm fluffy towel but I also got banished from the settee for two weeks. All because they left the shower tap on - well I think they did.

Who Is This Cruft's Guy?

Now I have got a real complaint about my two legs. You remember I told you they've got this TV box in the corner and they keep all sorts of other two legs in it and they have planes and ships and cars and all sorts of stuff in it well they shocked me the other night. I was laying in front of the fire on the rug next to Max listening to Sebastian snoring in the corner and I was having one of those lovely awake dreams. I was in this wonderful warm bed with lots of soft fluffy pillows and this lovely female cat dressed in a maid's uniform was bringing me fresh tuna and peeling it into bite size pieces for me while this other one kept pouring little sips of cream for me and they kept telling me how I mustn't do anything to overtax myself. I was very happy and then I heard this barking noise from the TV box. I looked up and there were all these DOGS in there! Running around with their two legs running through obstacles and laying down and waiting to be whistled before they moved. They looked and behaved so sillily I nudged Max and he opened one eye - looked at the screen and raised his eyes upwards in a signal that it was more rubbish that two legs like to watch. I heard this voice in the TV box say "And this year's supreme champion of Cruft's is Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian and he wins a years supply of feed and a rosette and money!" I was incensed. There was this dog in my TV box taking a year's worth of food. What were Max Sebastian and I to do while this Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian made off with our food. We had to starve for a whole year. I wasn;t having this. I jumped at the screen and tried to attack Blacknose Blue Eyed Dawkins of West Lothian but he just stood there all smug and statuesque. You wait I shall find him and get out food back. I'm not about to let my brothers starve.

What's With Beer

I thought I had been poisoned today. You see the two legs had some friends round and they had drinks. Now the strange thing with two legs is they don't drink out of bowls like we do. They either pour their drink into a glass thing and then try to put their tongues in it to lap it up or they take the bottle and rink from that. My Mum always told me it was rude to drink out of a bottle and I always took note of what she said - she taught me a lot when I was young. Well the two legs had various bottles about and they poured drinks into glasses and set about lapping it up. I was watching from behind the settee and I saw some interesting colours go into the glasses, There were reds and browns and pinks and some clear stuff which looked like water. Well after a while the other two legs went home and my pair decided to go to bed and leave the glasses and stuff until thee morning. I couldn't resist could I? There were several glasses with different drinks of different colours in them and I had a little taste. The pinks and reds tasted kinda funny but I didn't mind them too much. Then I went to a brown one. It was vile. It was fizzy and went up my nose for starters and made me sneeze. Then I tasted it and it was pure poison. I reckon it was someone's boots being washed that made it brown but how they drink that I do not know. I told Max what I had done and he said I would have a headache in the morning and he is right I can feel it already and the room keeps turning round. Luckily I got into my bed and I haven't got to get up until they stop the spinning. I think I might be less inquisitive next time.

Brush & Comb Please

You know I have been wondering if there was something wrong with me.

Every day the two legs get the brush and comb out and groom Max and Sebastian and while they are doing it they tell them what good boys they are and then they give them treats. Makes me feel quite nauseous all that cooing and nicey nicey stuff. They tried it on me when I was younger and I quickly told them No thank you - in fact I managed to catch them on the wrist with my claws and they didn't bother me again.

Every week an older two legs comes in and he gets on the floor with Max and Sebastian and goes through a similar ritual with them - all the grooming but none of the cooing and stuff. I thought I'd have a see what it was all about this week,

I went to him while he was doing Sebastian and he simply said to wait my turn. That seemed fair enough to me so I watched and waited. He was pretty gentle but he got the tangles out of Sebastian's coat and Sebastian was purring away so he clearly enjoyed it. I was just about to go forward for my turn when Max wandered in and went straight up and was brushed - no comb I noticed. I thought oh well another one who isn't going to do me and I was just about to walk off when I was summonsed to his presence.

I thought I'd give it a go and he was very experienced. He brushed me firmly but not hard and then he ran the comb over me - I wasn't too keen on that but he sensed it and said he wouldn't do it.

I must admit it made my coat feel very nice and refreshed and I turned round and rubbed him on the nose to thank him. he was quite excited. After a while he was sitting on the settee and I jumped up and laid down beside him and let him stroke me. I reserve that right to only a very chosen few. He earned it.

I think I might become a regular client of his. Max says he is good but doesn't give out treats - I'm not keen on them anyway as I like to watch my weight.

Thunder & Lightning Rules

Hey did you see all that in the sky earlier on?

Wow it was like a giant firework party. the two legs had gone out to see some sort of musical show and I thought they had sent it back for us to see and hear. First of all, all the lights went down and it was dark and kinda scary. Then this flash came and lit up the sky and then there was this rolling drum beat. It got closer and closer and louder and louder and the flashed got more and more bright.

I asked Seb about it and he said to leave it alone and to leave him alone because he needed to get some sleep in before the two legs got back and he would have to wake up to be fed. I went to look for Max who is very knowledgeable about everything and found him deeply buried inside the duvet. I peeped inside and asked if we could chat. he simply said No. I looked a bit longer than perhaps I should have done and I saw that he was shaking. I expect he was feeling extra cold - he wouldn't have been scared would he?

I went back and sat on my play station looking out the window and watching the rain and these great bog streaks of light. Sebastian called up from his bed and said to get down in case I had anything metal about my person. I asked why and he just said not to be so inquisitive. It's not fair being young - you don't know some things and nobody bothers to tell you.

Oh well the sun is out again now so I am off for a quick laze under the lavender bush

Party Time

The other night we decided to have a party after the two legs had gone to bed. I didn't realise how much organising it would take but we put our heads together (well not literally) and Max and Sebastian had a bit more experience than me so we worked as a team - that's kinda cool really. First we had to make sure we had food. I suggested that we hide up our supper time ham and chicken slices and keep them for the party. Sebastian wasn't very keen on this as he said he may faint from starvation if he didn't have his supper. We persuaded him to try and I also had a little scheme with Max that we would create a diversion and try to get an extra couple of slices. When it came to drinks I knew we were alright for water as that is always kept fresh and topped up but I wanted some cream as well so again Max and I worked a diversion plan. When the two legs give me my supper cream, they always get the pot out of the fridge and pour me a bit in a saucer. I told Max to start scratching the furniture so they would tell him off and while they were distracted I would push the pot behind the toaster and with luck they would forget about it. It's funny but two legs can be easily distracted when you try. That worked well so we had our food and our drinks. I had sent invitations to Louie and to Bluebelle to come and they had both said yes. I knew the next problem would be getting them in as there is no cat flap here like when we go to Bluebelle's house for a party. I made sure the two legs left the bathroom window open - they always do. I managed to unhook the catch and open it wider, but there was still a huge way down to the ground and I was still not sure of the girls would get in. Just on time I heard Bluebelle tinkle outside and I went to the bathroom window and called her up. She looked up at me and wasn't sure but then she gathered her might and leapt up onto the fence and climbed onto the wheelie bin for extra balance. She looked up and made a huge leap and there she was on the bathroom window sill. I ushered her in and waited for Louie. She came a few minutes later and after a little bit of encouragement from me managed the leap with the same grace and skill as Bluebelle (my sister is sporty like me - we could have been Olympic athletes you know). Max and Sebastian were really happy to have company and they acted as the perfect hosts. I found some toys to play with and the girls had fun and then we had the chicken and ham and they thought that was really awesome, but I really came up trumps when I brought the cream into light and - with a bit of help from Max - managed to tip the pot so we got some in the saucer and the girls lapped it up. All too soon they said they had to go and they went to the window and made the reverse leap of faith onto the bins and made their way home. Max and I set about clearing up and were feeling really pleased with our effort. Sebastian was in the corner fast asleep but he did enjoy himself.

A Feather In My Cap

I appear to be both saint and sinner all at the same time today. The two legs are strange - you can never tell how they will react to something or why. They must have a reason gene missing somewhere in evolution - well that's what Max says and he is the philosopher after all.

You see this morning I was out and about for my early morning constitutional and I went into my hiding tunnel. The two legs got it out of the garage for me a few weeks back and it is very good. I can hide in it and not be seen by anyone. I love hiding in it when Max and Sebastian are indoors and then I wait until they come out and wander by and I jump out and make them jump. They say some awful things to me but it's only in fun.

Well I was in there this morning and I heard some birds eating on the bird table and I sort of knew it wasn't any of the regulars. I didn't recognise the accents they were using and they didn't seem at all bothered about whether I was there or not. Then I saw one of them swoop down to the grass and start eating some of the cake and bread she puts out. I like to have a nibble on this during the day as does Sebastian and I thought these birds were eating a bit too much of it.

I shot out of the tunnel behind the bird who was feeding and before I ahd a chance to do anything I saw he was a big bird - I think it is called a sea gull but they don't go out to sea - now that is a kinda strange thing isn't it. Why would you call something by a name that has nothing to do with where it goes or what it does? Weird if you ask me.

So I dived out and I made a dash for him to scare him away. he was a bit slow flying off and I caught a mouthful of feathers which came away as he soared off. They were stuck all round my mouth and made me choke. I cleared them out of my throat and there was a nice pile of them in the garden - all white and soft and warm. I was pleased with myself and stood guard ready to show Max when he came out. trouble was the female two legs had seen me and shouted at me and said I was a cruel and horrible cat. then he came out and told me how clever I was and how I was doing what is natural for cats and he told her not to tell me off. I let them debate it between themselves.

Eventually Max came out had a look - asked if the bird had got away and when I said it had he sniffed and turned away and went back indoors. I don't think he was impressed.

They Made Me a Bed

Those two legs have excelled themselves this time.

They have been in and out of the house doing stuff in the garden. They got that tall skinny thing out that eats all the grass and makes loud noises. Then they were there with big spoons turning the earth over - I guess they were looking for worms or something but I never saw them eat any - maybe they don't know how to hunt properly like what I do.

Anyway when they were done doing all this huffing and puffing stuff she had him filling up pots with bags of dirt. Now I could have scrabbed up some dirt for them if they had asked save them going and buying these bags of it although the bags were pretty colours and had nice flowers on it. I went up close but the flowers didn't smell and I couldn't pull the leaves off like I can with the ones she puts in those tall water holders. Once he had put the dirt in the pots she put little bits of greenery in there and then put them in the glasshouse. All except one big one.

That she put right outside the French doors - right in the sun where I love to lay. I wondered what it was about and when they went indoors I went to investigate. There was all this lovely soft brown rich soil in there and it was all warm and comfortable. I realised she had made me a new bed and put it right in the sun for me. I wanted to thank her but instead I had to try it out. I jumped in and stretched out and lay there drinking in the warm sun and dreaming of gigantic fish pies.

My reverie was interrupted by being unceremoniously thrown out of the bed and her shouting that I had flattened all her plants.

And there was me thinking I was being cossetted!!

Alone Again

I have been on my own again today. The two legs went off early this morning with all sorts of goodies in the car and me and Max and Sebastian were left here. They did leave us food and some toilet boxes so I said to Max "Looks like they're off for a long time"

Max, of course, went into one of his debates about how long long was and suggested that time was only relative to the need you had for something to happen. He said one of the ancient cats had described this in some sort of theory. I wished I had never made the comment to be honest.

Anyway Sebastian coped with the absence in his usual calm way - he went to sleep. Max sat on the edge of the bed and entered one of his trance like states and started chanting weird things. I got out of the bedroom quickly and went to find my own amusement.

I had a good game of balancing on the curtain rail until I lost my balance and fell down grabbing the curtain to save me. It was only a little tear but I knew they wouldn't see it that way when they got back. I then decided to see if I could manage to walk between each of the vases on the mantelpiece. They have them set up like those agility tests for dogs and I thought Anything a dog can do Casper can do better. Perhaps I should have been a little less eager to complete the course because the third vase came crashing down and the water spilled out on the carpet and the flowerss went all bent and saggy. I didn't think the two legs would be too happy with this either.

I got right up on top of the cupboards in the kitchen and hid there shouting for Max to come and find me. When he wandered into the kitchen I jumped from the shelf intending to land on him. Unfortunately the big meat plate they keep up there decided to jump with me and it landed a little way away from Max but scared him enough for him to dash out of the kitchen. I landed on the airer with the washing on it tipping it over and sending the washing scurrying across the floor. Isn't it funny how those white bits are the ones that always manage to get into the dirtiest part and this was no exception - her lace blouse thing sailed across and into the litter box Sebastian had used earlier - not pleasant!

I thought the best thing was to go and hide. When they came home I waited and heard the strangled cries as each room was inspected and each little mishap was discovered. I came downstairs and rubbed around their legs and purred.

I don't think they realised it was me who had had a little accisent - I think I got away with it!

It's School isn't it?

Hey I found something out today.

You know when all the little two legs go off in the morning - I found where they go. There's this big like house and they go in there and they do all sorts of things in there with older two legs and then they come out and run about in the back yard and the older two legs whistles at them and they come back in again and do it all over again. It happens several times a day. I know because I investigated it.

You see we have a lot of little two legs go past our house. Now Max has told me not to go and talk to them because they get excited and pick you up and shout to you - Max thinks that they don't develop proper hearing until they are big two legs that's why they shout when they are little. You know Max - he is always a bit paranoid about everything so I had a go at it and went to talk to these little two legs. Some are little than others and I wasn't sure which ones to go for, Well this female two legs came down the road so I went up to her and said Hello and rubbed round her legs and she was ever so nice. She bent down and stroked me and talked all nice and sweet to me. I let her pick me up and she carried me away from the house.

Luckily we felines have a good sense of direction so I went along with her and just rested in her arms. When we got to the road where all the cars and buses live she told me to go back home but I wasn't - not after getting so far. She looked around and picked me up again and carried me with her towards this big house place where there were lots of little two legs going in and bigger two legs dropping them off out of cars. It was a bit scary but this little female two legs seemed to know people and she was introducing me to them and they all wanted to come and pat my head and stroke me - very nice I thought.

Then she said she had to go into class and I couldn't go in. I should go home or wait for her to come out. I thought about it and decided to wait for a while. I saw her look out of the window once or twice at me as I sat on the pillar at the front of the house place in the sun. It was nice and warm up there and no-one bothered me so I was happy.

Eventually she came out again and greeted me like a long lost relative. She picked me up and carried me all the way back to where we had first met and I jumped down when I recognised my house. She even kissed me goodbye!

I went indoors and told Max and he said I should be very careful going off with strangers. You can never get Max to be happy for you - he always has a dampener to put on things.

Where's This Piccadilly Circus?

My personal shopper said the other day it was like Piccadilly Circus in our house. Now I need to know where this Piccadilly is and what sort of circus they are thinking of bringing here. I don't mind if it is those two legs that fly - they are well cool but I don't like those ones with the funny coloured hair and the big shoes that go around squirting water at you. Max said they are clowns and they are funny - I said they were downright weird.

Anyway it all came about when we had loads of two legs calling at the house one after another. One of the younger ones stayed overnight - in MY bed. I was cross at that. I just nipped out for a late night taking of the air and to relieve myself and when I came back there he was laid out in my bed. I went to jump up and edge him out but he seemed very big and I didn't know him well enough to do that so I had to sleep on the floor. How degrading!

There were two legs coming to the house selling things and my mate Terry came with more parcels but he hasn't brought me another of those beds he did before. Then a young two legs came and brought this huge box and when my personal shopper opened it, it was full of my biscuits - that was well cool.

I think there other two legs who came but I lost count and Sebastian got worn out because he always runs upstairs and hides under the bed when the doorbell sounds just in case it is someone bad.

Well that was when she said about Piccadilly Circus and I need to know more. Max and Seb were no help at all when I asked them and they didn't seem in the least perturbed by it. I sometimes think I have to do the worrying and thinking for everyone in this house!!

I'm Working Again!

No really it's not a bad job this time.

You see my sister's personal shoppers have gone away. They've gone to this funny place made out of plastic bricks and I heard the mini two legs telling my personal shopper that there were lots of rides there. I thought it sounded pretty cool and I guessed my sister was going with them then I heard all the talk about my personal shopper looking after my sister as well. I thought that sounds a good idea - she can come and stay with me and we can send Max and Sebastian round there to look after the house there but NO!

The two legs go off morning and night to feed my sister and talk to her and play games and all the stuff two legs like to do. Then I go round and she lets me in through her hole in the door and we sit there and talk about rats and mice and spiders and flies and all the good things we like to eat and play with. She gets a bit lonely so the company is good for her and I think she learns from what I tell her.

My sister isn't as well versed in the hunting traits as I am - but then she is a girl and girl cats don't do that sort of thing. They usually stay at home and look after the little cats make a nice home for us hunters to come home to after a long day hunting. Everyone has their palace and each place is just as important as the next one; it's just knowing your place that's sometimes the problem.

I have been trying to work out my two legs' place and that is difficult. Like I told you they must be important for all those people to come into their TV box every night and then I sometimes wonder what they really do. They don't seem to have an organised and routine to life like I do. Then, again, I am a rather unique fellow.

Holidays? Wow Confusing

This thing that two legs do is really confusing. I'm talking about holidays.

From what I can make out they come from all over and get into that TV box in my two legs' house and then they get all this sun and snow and water and history and stuff thrown at them and then they must get out of the TV box and another lot come and so it goes on.

I think my two legs must be some kind of giants in the area because all the ones in the TV box are much smaller and they all talk to my two legs all the time. Yesterday there was a female two legs - well I assume she was a two legs even though she was sitting behind a desk in the TV box. She was saying that some people in France were not going to work and that these big airplanes were not going to fly and next minute there are these airplanes in my two legs TV box. I said to Max "Cor, they got that sorted pretty quick - we shouldn't play them up too much if they have that sort of power"

I can understand most of it but I don't understand where all the water goes. They were having this huge boat float across the box with hundreds of little two legs running about and having fun and the next second this female was sitting at her desk getting my two legs to get the airplanes flying again. Baffling to me.

I said to max we ought to get in the box and go to some of these places but he wasn't interested. I have spent a bit of time investigating but I can't seem to find the entry point as I keep hitting a glass screen.

If you know how to do it or you are coming to get in their TV box let me know or take me with you

Easter is Egg-citing!

Oh my we had fun yesterday.

When I had been out on my travels I had noticed this sign just in the woods over past Tesco. It said "Big Easter Egg Hunt - Sunday All welcome".

Well I had a word round the neighbourhood and there were about 20 of us who were keen to go so we got a little posse together (a posse of pussies!) and we went down the woods nice and early. There were a few two legs down there and they were taking these brightly wrapped little eggs and hiding them in the grass and on bushes and all nice low places.

The posse decided to have a meeting to discuss tactics. I wanted to lead them but I had to give in because I am young and they wanted some of the more experienced hunters to lead. I didn't mind really because it had been my idea to come in the first place. Anyway Ginger was voted leader and he split us into groups and we went searching for the eggs and we had to bring them back and hide them in the hollow tree where we lay in wait for the squirrels at night.

All 20 of us went about our business with stealth and determination - even little Trixie the new kitten down our lane. Within a short while we had found all the eggs we could and stored them away in our special tree. We waited but not for long.

Soon the cars started to pull up and two legs got out with the little two legs running about and shouting all excited . The big two legs made their way to the two female two legs sat at a table in the woods and handed over that money stuff and sent the little two legs into the woods. It seemed a funny ritual at first but then we realised the little two legs were looking for the eggs we had found.

After a little while it all got a bit unpleasant with the two legs shouting at the female two legs that they wanted their money back because there were no eggs and the little two legs started to cry. Now that's not what was meant to happen. Anyway Ginger proved what a capable leader he was and the order went out to take the eggs down to the table where the little two legs had all gathered.

As we came out of the woods with eggs in our mouths everything went quiet. The crying stopped. The big two legs stopped shouting and stood there open mouthed. We did four or five runs back and forth from the secret tree each time bringing more eggs and everyone watched in silence. Then we we sat in a big circle round them they all laughed and cheered and hugged the two female two legs who didn't know what was happening.

The little two legs came up and took their eggs and gave us all pats and hugs and kisses. and everyone went home happy.

We didn't get our eggs but we had a great time and we didn't get into trouble.

Who Said Holidays Are Cool?

There was me saying to you how cool holidays were and what happens - visitors and a day locked in the bedroom with Max and Sebastian.

It started well enough. I had my early morning stroll around the garden and was back indoors in time for a snuggle down with two legs before he got up and did all that faffing about in the bathroom and then downstairs to do the vegetables. It's true what they say about two legs - they are creatures of habit. You can set your calendar by what he does each day,

Then it all started to go awry. There was rustling of bags and out came boxes of eggs with pretty pictures on them and these eggs went into pretty bags and I heard him getting instructions where to take them. Next thing he was out to the garage and into our car and off. I thought a nap was in order but oh no. The female two legs was busy cooking and cleaning. I sort of knew something was going to happen but not what - she kept asking Max to go in the garden but it was far too early for Max - he prefers not to rise until the streets have been properly aired and the dust brushed off the sidewalks as he says in his mock American accent!

Then he (that's two legs) was back and I really knew something was on. Litter trays and food were taken upstairs. Sebastian's bed was carried upstairs with suitable reverie. Then we were all coerced into the bedroom and the door firmly shut. We waited a while and it appeared nothing was going to happen after all. Max had gone back to sleep on the bed. Sebastian had found his bed and was somewhat annoyed that it had been moved but nonetheless got into it and made himself comfortable and very soon he was snoring loudly. I guess the excitement had been a bit too much for him.

Then it happened. Two dogs appeared and came in downstairs. They were running in and out the garden barking and playing with our toys. I was getting incensed. I had no chance of sleeping with the yapping downstairs and the snoring up. I made fort he food and had a few biscuits - at least they were my favourites! Then a nose appeared at the door and I peeked through the gap and this ever so short dog with a long body and nose was there.

"Hello!" I said bravely.

"Oh sorry to intrude I thought I heard noises in there and wondered what it was." it was a very refined and cultured voice - a little on the older side and clearly rather shy.

"I'm Casper what are you doing?"

"Oh I know you we've been seeing your picture on the wall here. You're rather good looking. I'm Shelley and we are just visiting. Are you alright there?"

"Yes thank you and thank you we're fine apart from Sebastian's snoring that is. Who's the one with the loud bark?

"That's my step brother Ted - he's a bit boisterous but means well. I won't tell him you're here or he will want to come and bark here to you!"

"Thanks and take care Shelley."

You see not all dogs are as bad as they are painted. Well the ones I have met have been fine.

Who Said Holidays Are Cool?

Holiday Times Are Cool

It's one of those times again when the two legs all stop work and everywhere closes down and the rain falls and all the cars go out on the roads. well today it was actually quite nice and sunny and I was still looking after my two patients - the two legs have still got colds and I have to keep checking they are OK and don't need anything. I don't really mind but they keep barking like dogs and it is very loud on our eardrums. Max takes himself off under the duvet to avoid the noise while Sebastian just turns up his snoring a notch or two to drown it out.

Well they decided they would sit out in the midday sun - I think there's a saying about Mad dogs (well all dogs are mad!) and English two legs going out in the midday sun - I don't know the rest of it but I guess they must get sunburnt or sunstroke or something. Anyway he was sitting on the swing thing and she was in her rocking chair. I was going to bring a blanket out for them but I thought the sun would be good for them. Max always likes to lay in the full sun and it hasn't done him any harm.

Sebastian likes his own chair taken into the garden on warmer days and a cushion placed on it and she had done that for him - he was curled up on it pleasantly snoring just below the level of a jet engine while Max was laying on the climbing frame just inside the window. That meant he got the full rays of the sun but magnified through the glass. He later said there was a chill in the air!

I hopped onto the other garden chair and curled round and played with my tail which had started doing that dance of its own again. I looked round the tranquil scene and I thought - yes this is what family is about - all of us sitting together enjoying a bit of sun and each other's company.

"Careful lad you're getting to be a right woos!" intoned Sebastian ina break from snoring.

I hadn't realised I had let my thoughts escape my lips. You have to be careful what you think in case it comes out!

There's a Doctor in the House

This is a totally true story

The house has been very noisy lately because both the two legs have had colds and have been coughing and sneezing and making that dreadful noise when they blow their noses. My poor ears have had a battering but I soldier on. Sebastian has been looking after the female two legs (I think in the hope that she will give him extra rations!)

Max and I have tended to side with the male two legs but last night was a real test for me. He got into bed and I made for his side so I could watch and Max was between his legs. Before long it was clear this wasn't an ordinary night - he was having great difficulty breathing and he couldn't talk to us.

I thought about the first aid I knew and realised it wasn't much but then I saw this triangle pillow on the floor. I tapped his arm and tried to get him to look at what I was saying. he first off patted me away and when I persisted he looked at me and followed my eyes to the pillow. he leant out and picked it up and put it behind his head. Trouble was the exertion made it worse and he was still having problems. I knew about raising their knees so I patted his knees and he seemed to trust me. I indicate lift them up and he did and suddenly the room was quieter and more like normal.

He reached out to stroke me - which was very nice. I looked at Max who gave me a knowing wink which said "You done well Casper!" As two legs sat up there breathing better I put my paw very gently on his arm and held it there for most of the night - I did have to go and relieve myself at one point. He was really pleased with my medical services.

Old Charlie Boy

Max and I were having an argument about Sebastian the other day. Well it wasn't really an argument; we were sharing a difference of opinion. You see I said Sebastian was weird because he couldn't climb fences. Max said that was silly because he himself (Max) could climb up fences but had to be lifted off because he suffered with vertigo.

I thought he was pulling my paw until I remembered that he often sat on top of the side gate in bitter winds waiting until two legs came and rescued him. I was softening to his point of view when he told me a story about where he used to live with Sebastian miles and miles away past Tesco's and everywhere.

Apparently he lived next door to 3 other cats one of whom was called Charlie. now Charlie apparently was a young cat and quite physically well developed. Max said I reminded him of Charlie which I think was a compliment. You can never be quite sure with Max because he has this very dry sense of humour and he will say something and wander off leaving you thinking - what did he mean by that.

Anyway where they lived before Max and Sebastian had a cat flap so they could come and go as they pleased and they could invite friends in whenever they wanted and the two legs used to leave them at home when they went away and the man from next door used to come in to look after them. He didn't come in through the cat flap in case you were wondering.

Well it appears that Charlie was in the habit of popping over the fence and nipping in for a spot of food. Max and Sebastian always held back to let him have his food as the other two cats were he lived insisted on first portions. I have said before Max and Sebastian are selfless philanthropists when it comes to other cats.

Now it appears that Charlie could not climb up fences. He had no difficulty getting down, but up was a problem. He spoke with his personal shopper and arranged to have a set of staging ramps built so he could get up onto the fence OK. This was how he used to go into Max for his meal.

Well this particular day Charlie had just finished eating when two legs appeared and Charlie made a hurried exit through the cat flap. He ran at the fence, jumped and clung on half way up before sliding back down into the flower bed. Max said he laughed and two legs went to the door to watch. Charlie made another attempt and slid down again. He was clearly embarrassed and started roaming around in the gflower bed as if he was looking for something.

Two legs saw what happened and realised the predicament - in fact Charlie personal shopper had told Max's two legs about Charlie's inability to climb when he was building the steps.

Our two legs went out and lifted Charlie up and offered him up to the fence.

"Oi what are you doing to me? Are you looking at my bum? Where are you putting me? I never said you could put your hands on me!"

Charlie reached out his paws and hauled himself the last few inches onto the top of the fence. he looked straight at two legs. "I say old boy, I did you a wrong one there. You're pretty decent. Thanks for the helping hand. Dare say I could have managed but help is always appreciated."

Apparently whenever Charlie came over after that he used to go out when he had finished eating and wait for two legs and he would then wander up to him and rub against him and when two legs lifted him up he would say "No need fort hat old boy I can manage you know but now you've got me you may as well put me up on the fence. Thanks old boy!"

Two legs always went along with Charlie too and never let on that he knew of his inability to climb. Perhaps Sebastian has a similar disability.

Driving Them Round The Bend

I told Max I needed to go over to the other side of town to get some juicy fish from that big store that throws the stuff out as evening falls. Max said it was far too far to walk and the roads were dangerous.

I told him we would go by car and he was quite relaxed. It's quite difficult if I go on my own but with two of us its OK. I can steer and Max can jump on the various pedals to make it go faster or stop. It's what the two legs call team work. We call it using our brains!

We were all set to go when I suddenly realised the fatal flaw. I couldn't turn the key in the ignition. you see it's OK if we jump in and drive off while the two legs are opening the garage or something where they have left the engine running but to start it from scratch is a problem.

I think the car makers should find a way to help us felines drive otherwise its discrimination isn't it.

I ended up without fish for tea and Max isn't terribly impressed with my organisation skills but I did get a good picture!!

And Now To Bed

Hey my mate Terry - he's the two legs who comes to the house most days with pieces of paper for my two legs - he came today and he brought me a new bed - how cool is that!

It's funny because when my two legs see Terry they always greet him like an old friend and they laugh and joke and then when he has gone and they open the bits of paper he's left they say things like "How can they charge that much?" or "How much more of this junk mail am I going to get?"

I think they should have a word with Terry and get him to open the bits of paper and let him decide if it's a good one or a bad one and he only gets to put the good ones through the hole in the door. I may be young but that's how we handle things in the cat world. We only deal with things we like - we ignore what we don't like. Simples!

Anyway Terry came and rang the bell. It always frightens Sebastian because he thinks those men are coming that that took all his house away before he moved up here. He says he's never going through that again and so he is always on guard when someone rings at the door. So two legs goes and greets Terry and they have a joke and two legs comes back with this box. He was all excited and opened it up and I thought "Food!" but it wasn't. there were all these shiny discs and he immediately got that thing under the TV working and put a disc in and settled down to watch more two legs running about on the discs inside his TV.

In his excitement he just threw the box onto the floor and I wandered over to see. I climbed inside and found it was a perfect fit. I snuggled down and the flaps of the box acted as a nice little wind break for me keeping me warm and snug. I dozed off while he was sitting laughing at the two legs on his discs.

I must remember to thank Terry tomorrow for the bed.

Sorting Thoughts

It was a blissful afternoon; I lay in the sunshine in that glorious state half way between sleep and awake where your thoughts pass randomly through your head and I felt at ease with the world.

The only problem was my tail. It is funny how a tail has a mind of its own. It is as if it tunes into some weird wireless system and picks up music from somewhere unheard of and then starts a dance all unbidden. I was watching it swish back and forward in time to something it alone could hear and I had to start chasing it to hold it down. I had it between my paws and thought I was in for some peace when I noticed the very tip was still dancing. I lay on it and peace resumed.

It is not just me that has this problem I have seen Max and Sebastian both wrestling with their unwanted tail actions. I don't know if two legs has the same issue but then he has so many different things going on you never quite know how they are made.

I went back to the dozing and thought sorting when all of a sudden one of those nasty thoughts came into my head. You know the sort of thing - something you know you should not have done but you did or something you know you should have done but you never did. I know I am young and I haven't got the wealth of thoughts to sort that someone like Max or Sebastian has but I still have a lot and there are some bad ones in there too. I gave an involuntary snort cum jump. It quite frightened me and it obviously did the same to two legs who rushed over and picked me up and start all that gooey talk about everything being alright and not to worry. I had just made a noise like a hot rod car revving up and he says not to worry!!

Last thing I wanted was his nursing and cooing so I neatly lacerated his arm and leapt down to regain some equilibrium. He rushed off into the kitchen yelping to find some plasters or something - baby!

I looked across to Sebastian who had been waken from his slumbers and was eyeing me from his pet bed.

"Don't worry Cas" he said "it's when you try and send one of those bad thoughts out of your head. They just won't go and they come back right to the front of your head - that's what makes you jump. Best thing is to try and leave them alone and let them wither away down the bottom of your mind. As soon as you disturb them they come fresh again"

He closed his eyes and went back to sleep. It's at times like that that I realise how lucky I am to have an older brother as wise as Sebastian and how honoured I am that he shares his wisdom with me.

I Get Some Weird Jobs

You know old two legs is a bit of a vain old thing. He is always trimming his beard or washing his hair but he doesn't lick it clean like me - he goes and gets water from the tap of life and then splashed it all over him. I keep telling him he should be more ecologically conscious and save water but it goes over his head. Not the water (well it does when he's washing his hair!) but my words.

I heard him saying to my personal shopper a little while back that he should invest in some of those fish that clean away dead skin or something. My ears pricked up at that as I thought about fresh fish for tea. When I told Max he was less than impressed saying that he had never been one for raw fish and all the rest of the Japanese dietary peculiarities. I don't know where he gets to learn about all these things that go on in the world but he is a veritable fount of knowledge.

Back to the fish. I later heard two legs reading and article in the paper. It's funny I think both the two legs can read but whenever one of them has the paper they read bits out loud to the other one. I guess it is because they have poor eyesight and can't see in the dark like we can. Anyway he is reading about how these fish eat the skin and leave nasty illnesses there and people's feet have floated away or something like that. Whatever it was the fish didn't arrive; I never got to try what Max called sushi. And I got a new role.

I was minding my own business while he was sitting watching those little two legs run about in the TV box when he suddenly looked at me and had a Eureka moment. I know those - it usually means I have got to do something!

"Casper why don't you be a fish for me?"

"Have you gone mad? Do I look like I can swim? I eat fish not swim with them. If you want a fish you'll find they are a lot cheaper to run than I am"

In a flash he had his sock off and his smelly foot was under my chin. To be honest it wasn't that smelly and I nuzzled to it and nibbled it and he was in ecstasy. Now I have to do this task whenever he asks but I do get some treats when I do it and of course I only do it because I want to.

Max and Sebastian think it is a bit degrading for a cat to work at anything let alone a pedicurist but I am a cat of my own mind.