How They Deceive You

I was in a  very friendly mood this morning. Well, truth be told, I was hoping the two legs would comment on my improving prowess in the athletics field ahead of the inaugural Cat Olympics.

While they were messing about in the garden, I was practising my Eskimo rolls in readiness for the canoeing competition. The only problem with that is that we don't have any canoes in the garden, neither do we have any water so I have to do my practice rolls on the grass. That's fine except when they cut it and I get all bits of grass stuck to my coat. Infuriating that is.

Anyway there I was practising my wall climbing. I'm not sure if it is a real Olympic event but I am quite good at it so I think we will include it as an event. I looked around and the male two legs had engaged with the female two legs and they were taking glass out of the greenhouse, smashing it and putting new glass in. Now I call that wasteful but then I realised it was the glass I had used for my springboard practice and it had not been particularly springy. In fact it had cracked rather nastily. This was brand new shiny glass he was putting in its place.

I wandered round to inspect his work closer. I also incorporated my balance beam practice as I made my way to him as I was on top of the fence. The fence they used to say led to the end of the world. That, I now know, was not true. I amaze myself sometimes at my ability to multi-task combining two or more activities at one time.

I reached his shoulder and lent over and gave him a playful tap. Oops. I forgot to pull my claws in and he shouted and nearly dropped the pane of glass he was holding. I chuckled to myself  but thought I ought to keep a low profile if he was angry so again I thought about multi tasking. In making my exit I could get a bit of long jump practice in and leap from the fence to the roof of the greenhouse.

"Casper! Don't even think about it!" I heard him cry.

Now that was rather a silly thing to say because I had obviously already thought about it. More to the point I was already in mid air and sensing a new feline all-comers world and Olympic record coming for the long jump. I put my paws out to cushion the landing and that's when panic struck. There was nothing to land on. I had chosen to fly towards the hole he had made where he was going to put the pane of glass he had nearly dropped when I said hello.

These things happen in an instant yet your mind has a chance to think so many thoughts. I remembered Percy teaching me to fly. If only he could see me now. I wondered who would miss me. I wondered what would happen to my bowl of tuna and cream waiting indoors.

I flew through the space where the window should have been and landed on a bush of tomatoes and felt them squash and pop into me. I heard my personal shopper running round screaming out if I was OK.

"He's cut himself and bleeding!" she called out to the male.

Next moment he was by my side picking me up and feeling me. I thought that was a bit wrong if I had broken bones but they do these things.

"He's right as ninepence!" he declared "Just landed on a few tomatoes and squashed them into his coat. I'll give him a scrub down and he'll be fine. Stupid cat!"

I mean who was the stupid one? Who left a gaping hole for someone to fall through? Still the scrub down got rid of all that grass cuttings in my coat. Every cloud has a silver lining.

I'm an Olympian

The two legs have all been on about this Olympics thing so I thought I ought to find out a bit about it.

I had a word with Percy the Pigeon because he knows everything and he has been everywhere. He said all these two legs get together and start running and jumping and swimming and throwing things and crowning each other and singing songs. I thought it sounded pretty cool and I asked Percy if there was one for animals. he said no.

Well I am never one to be deterred and I decided I would invent my own inaugural cat Olympics to be held in my back yard when the two legs have theirs. I saw they use a balance beam and do sort of somersaults and things so I decided I would be world champion at that.

I have a great technique and Max awarded me 11 points out of 10. I don't think he quite got the hang of scoring but never mind.

Cat on a Hot Tin Roof

What has happened with the weather?

You know how I like to go out and have a little snooze on the shed roof while watching what's going on in the neighbourhood. Now that's something I found two legs can't do. Sleep with their eyes open. it's something we felines learned many ages ago so that we could rest but still keep predators at bay because they thought we were still awake.

I had a chat with Sebastian about this some time back and he told me that was why we have a third eyelid. i thought that was a bit over the top as we only have two eyes but he explained it all to me and it seemed very logical at the time. Sebastian has a way with words. problem is I have forgotten all that he said now and I dare not ask him again or he will say I don't pay attention. It's not that but my mind has so much to take in while I am young I can't always seem to cram it all in. Like when the two legs go on holiday and pack their cases and then try and get another pair of shoes in and something pops out the other side.

Anyway I went up on the shed roof for a little lay and look and my poor little paws were nearly fried. The tin roof was so hot I was jumping about like one of those Mexican beans.

I told Bluebelle about it and she let me come down into her garden and put my paws in her paddling pool - well I am not sure if it is hers really but she said it was OK to use. I cooled my feet down lovely in that so much so that I was able to go back and lay down properly and soak up the sun's rays.

Max said I should watch out in case I start to lose colour from the sun bleaching me. I think that is why Max is now a funny shade of brown rather than the black that he always says he is on his passport and stuff.

Anyway no time to sit here writing to you I've got more sunning to do.

King of The Castle

It was my best mate Lucy's fourth birthday yesterday. Now Lucy is a little two legs who lives with my sister Bluebelle. Bluebelle says she is nice and looks after my sister and talks to her. I told Bluebelle she has to be careful and remember the vow of silence in the cat community but I trust her and Lucy comes round to see me sometimes. I love to tease her and run away and pretend to hide so she can't find me but I am watching all the time.

Anyway it was her birthday and I heard all this noise in the garden so I went to investigate. Well would you believe it they had built this castle for her. It was all bright and clean and shiny and so colourful. I heard them call Lucy into the garden and she shrieked with joy when she saw it. I guess she must be a princess now she's old and that's why they built the castle.

There were other little two legs about and other bigger two legs so I scurried back to tell Max and Sebastian.Sebastian was asleep so I never got to tell him and Max said castles were cold dark places with dungeons and cellars and you shouldn't go in them unless you are hunting rats and mice. I thought he was being a bit silly but I just agreed with him to keep the peace.

I wanted to see Lucy's castle close up so I waited until night and went up the fence to have another look. Gosh it was big and really looked nice.Bluebelle was sitting in the corner of the garden and called to me

"Come on over Casper. We can curl up in there." pointing at the castle.

"Max said there might be mice and rats in the dungeons but I'm not afraid" I blazened to her.

She smiled her sweet little smile and beckoned me over. I jumped off the fence and decided to land straight in the castle. Mistake! I landed on a lovely soft floor - not like any dungeon floor I had seen - but then! I was hurled back into the air my legs and tail straight up. I came back down on the floor and immediately took off into space again. It was frightening but  quite enjoyable at the same time. I was going to shout out but I saw Bluebelle watching out of the corner of  my eye and I smiled at her as I made my third involuntary trip into space.

"You're good at that. Have you been on a bouncy castle before?" she asked seemingly impressed at my gymnastic display.

"Errr yes. Like the trampoline thing really. Come and join me" I was bluffing!

Bluebelle climbed the fence and jumped down just like i had and we were both soon bouncing up and down laughing with each other. It was so cool.

When I began to feel a bit sick I said we should stop and I went back home and told Max and Sebastian. They weren't impressed but later I saw Max creep out and climb up the fence. I bet he ahd a go at Lucy's castle too.

Thinking Outside The Box

I may be the youngest in the family but I don't have to be pushed around all the time by the others. I was talking to Percy Pigeon the other morning and telling him about my troubles. How I am always to blame for anything that goes wrong. How I always have to go and fetch things for Max and Sebastain. How I am always being picked on in the play fights because they gang up on me.

Percy said I should take up boxing. I said I had but first of all there are not always boxes around and second of all if I get in a box Sebastian is sure to come along and want to get in it himself. If I say no to him he just jumps in and lays on me and squashes me until I have to get out. Percy looked up to the sky and I thought he was about to fly away.

"Not cardboard boxes, dunderhead. I'm talking about the noble sport of pugilism. The skill of knocking a geezers head off with a single blow from your fist. Well in your case from your paw. in fact you could be a South paw!" With that he burst into a fit of uncontrollable laughter and I thought he had finally gone totally mad.

"You really don't know what I'm talking about do you?" exclaimed Percy once he had regained his composure.

I had to admit I didn't.

"Come with me. Can you work that TV box they've got in there?"

"Oh yes." I answered brightly. I often sit on it when he's watching those two legs running about playing football and they all run away and we get female two legs prancing about in little frilly skirts dancing to classical music. he usually goes mad and rushes about trying to get the footballing two legs back. He's got loads of different two legs in that box."

"It's called changing channels and they aren't real two legs in there. Just pictures of two legs."

I wasn't going to argue but I knew Percy was wrong . Who has ever seen a picture run about. They are real two legs. Some have even spoken to him while they are in there.

We got the box switched on and I found the remote control thing that I like to sit on and I awaited Percy's instruction.

"Keep pushing that button" he said pointing "I'll tell you when to stop"

When he shouted to stop there were these two two legs in a ring thing punching each other and a third two legs was running about pulling them apart and telling them not to hold on and all sorts. It was cool.

"Now watch what he does" said Percy tapping the screen with his beak and remember it. Then when you get bullied you can fight back."

I learned a lot from those two two legs and when Sebastian ordered me out of his box later on that evening I squared up to him and was ready to fight - well pugilise or whatever. Sebastian tutted and went back to his chair to sleep.

I think I'm a boxer now.

What A Week

Well what a week it has been.

The sun has been out and I've been laying out in the garden on the hammock with Max and Sebastian has been underneath in the shade. Only trouble is Sebastian tends to snore rather loudly and keeps Max and me awake. We tried talking to him about it but he says it is to do with his age and he can't help it and it's only when he's asleep. Well, of course, that's true but the problem is he is asleep like 22 hours a day so we don't get much relaxation ourselves.

Anyway the sun was out the bees were buzzing and all was well in the garden then along comes two legs. Gets out his grass cutter thing and fiddles for ages with leads and plugs before starting it up. What a racket it makes. drowned out Sebastian's snoring. Max said we should move but I said to hold firm and he would have to stop. Did he?

Not likely. Max and I were covered in flying grass as he went about cutting every blade in the garden. Sebastian wisely moved inside and avoided the flying debris.

I had a quick word with Max and we made a bolt for it. Into the garage up onto the bonnet of the car and in through the side window. He always leaves that open so he can't complain if we go in can he? I settled down on the driver.s seat and Max on the passenger seat. We resumed our slumbers albeit not in the warmth of the sunlight but in the relative peace and tranquility of the garage,

We hadn't been there very long before the female two legs comes by, looks in, sees us, and calls him over saying she must get a picture!

That was it we were both up and out and went and sat in next door's garden next to the pond and talked to the big fish. At least we weren't disturbed and we got to enjoy a bit of the sun.

Martin Came To Stay

I was having a little wander round the front of the estate when all of a sudden I was dive-bombed by these little birds. I hadn't seen them before so I waited to see what they were. They were weaving in and out at terrific speed and flying so close to the house I thought they were going to crash.

"Be careful you'll hurt yourselves!" I blurted out without thinking.

"No we won't and it's no good you thinking you'll catch us because we're too fast for a fat cat like you!"

Oh no that word again. The diet. The vet. It all came flooding back. Maybe I should chase after them and show them that I am solid muscle without an ounce of fat on me. That would make them sit up and take notice.

"I don't want to catch you. I was just worried at the speed you fly and so close to the house"

"That's cos we are house martins. We fly close to houses so we can nest there. Are you aure you don't want to eat us or our babies?"

"No I am friends with all the birds round here Mr Martin. I look after the babies while the Dads go out looking for food. I'm Max and Sebastian's brother."

"Oh you know the old timers? That's cool. Guess we can trust you then and my name's not Mr Martin"

he flew down and landed on a patch of grass a little way from me. there were several others flying around watching closely. I clearly had won over the leader and he had come to chat.

"Where do you live in the house then?" I asked in all innocence. "I haven't seen you or your family about before.

"We don't live in the house. We live up there where you and your like can't get us." He raised his wing towards the roof of the house.

"But that's just a bit of mud stuck to the side of the house" I said insensitively.

"Maybe to you but to us it's home. We are raising six youngsters up there. They are all starting to fly. We built the house ourselves out of spit and sticks and mud. It lasts us the season and then the rains come and wash it away and we have to start again"

"Wow you are builders as well. I'll call you if I need an extension to my living accommodation"

"You can call matey but don't expect an answer!"

With that they flew off and disappeared into their little hiome.

I wonder if I can get up there somehow to have a look inside.

Just a Shower

I thought to myself this morning I would go and find out what the two legs do when they go into the bathroom each morning and go behind that glass screen. There's usually all sorts of noises come out from there - sort of singing come shouting and there's this awful noise of rain. They come out all glowing and soaking wet and smelling much better than when they went in,

I was clever - but then you know that anyway! I slipped into the bathroom early and hid up by the washing bin. Sure enough he came in shortly afterwards all bright and cheerful singing and taking his clothes off. now I thought that was a bit unnecessary and was about to complain when I remembered I was in hiding. I put up with it.

Next thing he open the glass doors and went inside and started fiddling with the tap and then this noise of rain came. I was trying to see what was going on but the glass wasn't glass. it was all frosted and you couldn't see through it. I know you couldn't see through it because you weren't there but I was and I couldn't see through it.

This was where things started to go a bit wrong. I decided to climb up the glass door to see over the top. Now that glass might have been frosted but it was very slippery and I had 3 or 4 goes before I made one tremendous leap and balanced on the top rail. Well there he was all naked and undressed standing in the rain singing. The rain was coming out of the wall and I wondered what the neighbours must think with him there in all his nakedness.

My sense of balance is good but it was difficult holding still on this tiny slippery rail and anyway he suddenly looked up and saw me.

"What are you doing there Casper? Get down at once you stupid cat. You'll fall!"

I went to hit out at being called stupid and realised I wasn't in the safest position to do that. Moreover the rain was coming out of the wall and going over me and making me wet and even more slippery. Yes I thought I'd like to get down but it seems a trifle difficult right now.

Before I had had a chance to make a decision about how to get down, he was out of the shower and grabbed me against his wet body - ugh! - and lifted me down. He pushed me into the bedroom - still wet - and closed the door and went back to his singing.

I don't think I'll be so inquisitive next time.

Where's The Food?

I've been searching high and low. Where have they hidden my food? Ever since that vet lady said about diet I have been wasting away. If this goes on you won't see me because I am so small. I must have lost three quarters of my body weight and my tummy is screaming for food. I haven't seen a  can of tuna in days - well not since the day before yesterday. And as for biscuits - I get a few in a bowl and that has to last me. Where's my cream gone. All I get is water.

Have you tried drinking water all day? It tastes of nothing and then you have to keep going out to pee. next thing they will have me back to see why i am always going to pee. I can tell them that. Give me something other than water and I won't have to pee all the time1

I got up on top of the units yesterday because I remembered I left a bit of turkey skin up there from Christmas and when I got there it was still there. I was half afraid the ants had been in and had it but it was still OK - just a bit dry and a bit fluffy but that was alright - I had plenty of water to wash it down with!

I saw my mate Terry the postman this morning and asked him if anyone had sent me a food parcel and he said No! I thought that was a bit strange as I knew you would be kind to me then he said the post was being delayed because some people wanted more money. I said to tell them that I wanted more food and not to be so selfish. Terry said he would put in a  word for me so maybe by tomorrow I shall have eaten again.

If you are sending can you please make sure the top is off the can of tuna as I am not very good at using the can opener to get into it and it would defeat the purpose if I had to ask my carers to open it. If you send cream it needs to be in those tippy bottles where it comes out easily - I can't do opening sealed cans.

Thank you for looking after me .

Oh No A Diet Day

After I went to see Laura at the vets yesterday everyone was pleased with me and kept saying how good I was and how well behaved I was. I said it was all well and good telling me this but the proof of the pudding was in the eating so to speak. I should be rewarded with extra tuna and cream and maybe some of those tasty biscuit treats that Sebastian really likes.

Then the awful meaning of Laura's words hit home.

"He's a lovely cat in excellent condition apart from being a bit weighty!"

Those words echoed through my head and my personal shopper's reply of "OK well it is time for a diet for young Casper then!"

I remember the words but I was preoccupied at the time. I had just had a needle shoved into me and that cold liquid squirted into places it really ought not to go and then to cap it all Laua got a gun out and tried to shoot me. She sent the bullet - actually I think it was a tablet - right down the back of my throat and I couldn't wretch it up and spit it out. My mate Sebastian told me about the day he did that and the vet got quite cross! My mind at the time was working out how to apy back Laua for the indignity she had made me suffer and I didn't pay full attentiont o the words she was saying. I could have put on my pitiful look and whimpered a bit and drawn my breath ina nd looked all skinny and neglected and she would have said give him plenty of treats but I was thinking of revenge. I am a fool to myself at times.

So what happened to my breakfast. Half a dozen biscuits and a piece of tuna that if I had sneezed it would have blown into orbit. I thought I would be able to have a taster or two from max and Sebastian's rations but lo and behold they too were put on a diet.

Sebastian is very cross with me and is ignoring me as he thinks it is my fault he is being starved. max doesn't care too much except he likes to wander ina nd eat when he feels like it. Right now if you are not there at feed time there is no second chance so starvation is beckoning.

I fyou can send me the odd food parcel my friend Terry the postman will see that I get it alright with the two legs knowing.

Was I Had?

I thought something was funny when I woke up this morning. The two legs were all nice and cuddly to me and she was up and opened a new tin of tuna and was coaxing me to eat it up. Sebastian came down to have some and she was all protective.

"No this is for Casper. He's being a good boy"

I had no idea what I had done to earn such praise but I wasn't going to turn it down. I was so engrossed in the tuna and the warm praises I didn't noticed him in the garage. The male two legs was up the ladder getting down the dreaded basket. Had I have seen it in time I would have been off like a shot leaving the tuna behind but no - I got caught.

Next thing I am being unceremoniously bundled into the basket and zips are being done up all round me trapping me like that prisoner on Alcatraz. I feared the worse and my fears were justified. I was carried to the car and driven away. I was placed on the back seat. I mean the back seat! I should at least travel up front  but no the back seat.

We hadn't gone far when we stopped and I was yanked out in my prison and taken inside THAT place. It reeked of disinfectant and I could hear the plaintiff cries of fellow felines. It was the Vets.

"Casper has arrived!" he announced to the young two legs at the desk.

"Oh yes. He's seeing Laura. She's good with difficult patients"

What the heck did that mean - difficult patients? And how was she good with them?

We made over to the seating area and I was plonked on the ground where all I could see was four legs belonging to an enormous dog. I hoped he wouldn't decide to do a tiddle on my prison. Instead this big face and slobbering nose blocked my entire view as he sniffed my cage. I arched my back and spat at him. He whimpered and turned away.

"Did the nasty cat frighten you darling?" I heard the disembodied voice of some female enquire.

Before we had had a chance to fight my name was called and I was lifted into the area and taken into this tiny room.

"Hello Laura this is Casper. He's 7 kilos. Very awkward fellow always into trouble and claws like razors. needs his annual jab and you could check for fleas while you're there."

I mean here I am entrapped and being spoken about like a piece of meat. And then to mention fleas! How is a cat supposed to attract females when the introduction is has he got fleas.

Her hands reached into the basket and pulled me out. She was firm but gentle and I lost the urge to scratch her and instead allowed myself to stand on the table in front of her.

"What a fine fellow he is" Laura declared - I was liking her already. "He's a bit on the chubby side but he's young enough to carry that OK." - I was liking her even more. "I'll just have a listen to his heart"

Mistake lady. My heart was pounding like a train with all those nice words.

"Very healthy! No sign of any little visitors on him. He keeps himself very clean. Obviously got a young lady around to impress!" She declared.

Now should I tell her I was available or let her think I was some kind of lothario? I was musing on the predicament and failed to notice what she had picked up. next second this needle the size of a javelin goes hurtling into my neck and the coldest liquid on this earth is pumped into me. I had no option. Sweet or not Laura youa sked for this. I lashed out with my paw to hit her arm but she was quicker and moved away meaning that I lost my balance and fell over and off the edge oft he table.

I heard him laughing after enquiring if Laura was OK. Was she OK? What about me? I had just been injected with liquid nitrogen and had fallen to the floor from a great height. Was anyone asking if I was OK? No

I was again bundled back into the basket and zipped in.

The last thing I heard was Laura's voice saying "I shall look out for Mr Casper next year."

Not if I see you first madam.

Photo Shmoto

I mean there I was having a pre lunch snooze comfortable as you like in the warmth of the unused duvet and what happens next? No it's not one of those quiz programmes on the TV box that the two legs watch and shout at the other two legs to get the answer right. I don't know what's wrong with their TV box because when my carers shout at the two legs on the TV box and tell them what the answers to the questions are, the ones on the TV box never seem to hear them. Maybe I need to get in the back and sort out that wiring for them. I'll make a note to do that when I'm not so busy.

Anyway I was on the duvet when suddenly she appears in the doorway with that camera thing that captures your picture and then it comes up everywhere. I have seen me on the computer here and then on the TV box and on pieces of paper they hand round to each other when the house is full of two legs.

Si I'm laying there and she says. "Show us your fat belly Casper!"

I mean do I ever ask them to show me their fat bellies - I'd rather not think about that!

"Go away and leave me alone and let me sleep off that breakfast tuna"

"Come on don't be shy now. Your auntie in Australia wants to see what a big boy you are!"

Australia! I mean that's so far away - well past Tesco's. And this auntie who I have never seen wants to see how big I am. What's with them all? Can't a cat have a bit of privacy. next thing I'm rolling on my back and there's flash lights going off like the film premier I was never invited to.

"That's a good boy! Wish you would smile when I take your picture. You always look angry and upset!"

"So would you be if you had constant interruption of your sleep and flash lights going off all over the place and people in Australia wanting to see your belly. Can I go back to sleep now please?"

Next thing I hear the computer is whirring away and my picture is flying across the airwaves to be viewed all over the world. At least I got a bit of sleep before lunch though.

Who Made The Wind?

Now you know I am not one to complain whatever the trials I have to put up with but I am cross now.

I was out in the garden under my lavender bush looking at the estate and talking with a few passing birds when someone made it windy. Everything was blowing and the bush branches kept hitting me. I told them to stop but the didn't listen.

I was just talking to one of the Great Tit family that are nesting in the neighbour's tree when a gust of wind blew up and over went the bird table spilling all the seed onto the grass and the fat slab went rolling off its hook and headed for the lupin bed.

" That's a bummer" said my mate the Great Tit "We were getting very good at landing on that and having a good old feed. The starlings and pigeons will be in for first dabs now they don't have to balance and that means another starve for us."

"Why don't I go over there and stand guard and you can come and  have a feed and the otheres won't come while I'm there." I offered

"You're OK Casper. Thanks for doing that for us. The little ones will be grateful to you - they won't go to bed with empty tummies tonight."

I like to help where I can but I am amazed that this tiny little bird is called a GREAT Tit. I have not liked to ask why as it might seem a  bit impudent and that's not me either. So I was wandering over to the elusive fat ball when I heard the voice from within.

"What have you done now Casper?" he bellowed - frightening my mate the Great Tit. "Can't you leave those birds alone and let them feed in peace. Must you always be chasing them and knocking the table over and upsetting their food? Come inside and let them be."

"It wasn't me. It was the wind. I'm trying to help. I'm guarding the fat ball for my friend to eat"

"Don't ignore me! Get inside now or I'll be out there after you."

"No you won't - you haven't got your shoes on and the grass is wet and the wind will blow your hair about"

"I'm warning you. Inside now or no supper!"

Ah now that's a serious threat. remember we cats have no rights of appeal and a supper retention threat is something we cannot afford to take lightly. I slowly moved towards the French doors and two legs.

"That's better. Now inside and let the birds alone. Look there are pigeons and starlings on the fence waiting to come down. They won't come while you're there will they? Indoors and I'll make you some tuna for supper."

Sorry to say the Great Tit and his family went hungry. Not my fault but why do I feel so guilty?

After the Ball is Over

What a funny old weekend!

The two legs have been in and out going to parties and stuff and leaving us here all by ourselves for days now. That red button on the TV box has been going all the time while they are out putting people into that other box they've got where they call them up whenever they want them.

Then they had other two legs coming in and out some and eating and drinking. Some of them I had never seen before. I suppose my carers run a sort of Open House thing like Max and Seb and I do sometimes for the neighbourhood cats to come in and have something to eat or drink. Only thing is we don't make as much noise as they do sitting there laughing and shouting and singing at each other.

Even Sebastian had to go upstairs under the bed to get some peace the other day. he said if he didn't his eardrums would burst.

They also had the little two legs in and let them play with the two legs in the TV box thing. I saw them driving cars round and round and I thought the little two legs were too young to be driving like that but my carers didn't seem to mind so I kept quiet about it.

It seems to have gone back to normal today so I have just had a wander around the estate and into the neighbouring area. Yesterday they had all tables and food down their street but it's all gone today. Pity really because I was feeling a bit peckish and could have managed a couple of those pork pies. Sebastian must have been tired because he said he wouldn't venture out with me even before we knew there was no food there!

Jubilee

Well I heard the two legs talking and saying their Queen had been on the throne for 60 years and they were having all sorts of parties and processions and food and good things so I had a chat to Max and Sebastian about it.

They said we don't have Queens in the same way as two legs. Apparently two legs have one Queen who is the boss over everyone whereas we have many Queens and they are just the boss over the Tom that chooses them. I chose not to have a Queen so I don't have a boss. There's more of us doing that these days and it gets up the female cat's noses because they haven't got anyone to boss.

However I've gone off subject. Even though we have different Queens we all agreed it was a good excuse to have a party and I said we should have a street party and invite all the local cats and maybe dress up and play games and be silly for the day. Max and Sebastian said that was not very mature and maybe we should just have a quiet get together where we could all sleep over. I have learned now to go along with what they say and then change it to how I want it come the event. They can never be bothered to stop me and it usually comes out good anyway.

I had to go round to invite everyone - Max said he couldn't do all that walking with his "condition" and Sebastian was afraid it would interrupt a snooze or feed time. I was surprised that so many of the street residents said No. They couldn't be bothered, had other plans, or were not the partying types.

On my travels I met Claude and when I asked him he pulled a face and asked if I was mad.

When I told him he was rude he simply said "Look at this stupid outfit my two legs are making me wear all weekend and then ask yourself if you would want to be seen walking the streets in it"

I agreed he had the best excuse of anyone for not coming!