Athletics Are Go

Wow I never thought these feline Olympics would be such a  hit. We did some of the athletics today and Frisky Tom the little kitten from down the road wanted to be in all the events. I said he could do the four laps of the garden because we only had Tommy Tortoise and Sidney Snail competing. It looked like it was going to be an extra long race - almost a marathon.

Any Frisky Tom was up for it and was bouncing about at the start. I said to him he should relax or he would burn up all his energy before the race had begun.

"Don't worry about me Casper old man" he said, offending me with the reference to his youth against my middle age "I can do this with my eyes shut!" Now there was a possibility! I was tempted to go and find the blind fold but thought better of it.

"On your marks. Get set. Go!" I bellowed. I was officiating as starter in this event, Sebastian was asleep and Max was in serious training for something.

Immediately Frisky Tom was away bounding round the circuit like someone possessed. Sidney Snail stayed put in his shell and didn't show his head. I believe my shouting had frightened him. Tommy Tortoise was off and running, well plodding to be honest and before he had got down the first straight Frisky Tom was round completing his first lap and off into his second. His action was great and I wished I had one of those slow motion things that they have indoors on the television box so they can go all slow and graceful. Mind you Tommy Tortoise was doing that anyway!

By the time Tommy was into the back straight Tom was round again to complete his second lap. This was becoming a non-event. I felt the media would be on our back for allowing non-feline competitors.

But then Tom stopped dead in his tracks and cocked his ear to the fence. There was the faintest of mewings coming from the other side. It was the Portuguese twins preparing for the demonstration event. Quick as a flash Tom was up the fence and over to see them and join in. Tom has a very short attention span I have discovered.

Tommy meanwhile plodded on and completed the course before Tom rejoined.

Thus it was the gold medal went to Tommy Tortoise who won the sprint race!

Public Enemy Number One

We have had the first controversy in the inaugural feline Olympics and it happened to poor old Sebastian.

I told you he drew the 10 meter spraying event and all was going well as he was the only competitor so a gold medal looked assured, but we reckoned without the judges. It was Igor the Icelandic Iguana who was officiating and he is a stickler for the rules.

I was lucky enough to get down to track-side immediately after the incident and I got an exclusive interview with the judge and competitor just for you.

"So Sebastian, how do you feel right now?"

"Gutted after all the training to be excluded on a technicality. I would like to raise an objection but I truly can't be bothered."

"So what happened in your own words?"

"I can't use anybody else's words can I? Well I had just sprayed the seventh meter box and an excellent spray it was. I think it was worthy of a 10 for technical content and another 10 for performance. Anyway I had run out of spray so I popped into the house for a quick drink to refill the tanks, when the official came in and disqualified me"

"But it is OK to re-fill if you are running out of spray - the rules are clear on that you just can't take food on board during the event"

"I know but........"

"Hold on Sebastian. Igor the Icelandic Iguana is here and we can hear his account. So Igor why did you disqualify Sebastian when he was simply re-fuelling?"

"Rules are rules. If you take on food you are in breach of the rules and excluded. But I understood Sebastian was only drinking?"

"That would have been fine but when I entered the house he was nose deep in a bowl of chicken tikka. He even had the evidence smeared round his chops."

It was then that I noticed Sebastian feverishly trying to remove some caked on tikka from his chin.

Casper the Cat - News at ten!

Let It Rain Please

Well it's come round at last - the opening day of the Inaugural Feline Olympics and my paws are cold.

I drew the list of competitors for events - well you see we haven't got many entrants so we had to share those we have with the events we can put on and I drew myself in the pole vault - which is basically vaulting myself over the fence which we used to know as the end of the world.

Now if I had drawn myself in the high jump that would have been so cool because I can jump that fence but in the pole vault I don't think so. We haven't practiced it at all and the pole is the metal washing post the two legs use to hold their line of washing up. Now first off, it's heavy and I don't think I can lift it and second off it doesn't bend and I watched the two legs doing it in the television box and their pole almost bent double before it catapulted them over the bar.

I really think it was an error of judgement to include this event but I would look so silly if I backed out now. I have been praying for rain so that we can cancel the event and award me the medal instead.

Sebastian is in the 10 meters race where he has to find and spray 10 electricity or gas meters in the fastest time. I haven't told him but he hasn't got any opposition so he only has to turn up to win Gold medal (well it's actually a bit of cat food wrapped in gold foil and I sat ion it to make it flat!) - don't say anything will you.

Max is doing the orienteering event which means he has to negotiate himself from the front of the house to the back using just maps. I think he might not manage that but we couldn't have the events too easy or they would say we cheated.

Anyway I am negotiating for the big media companies to cover the games so you should see us all.

Have fun

My Belongings Have Gone!

Life gets harder and harder for us felines you know. I hear the two legs are tightening their belts and that's all well and good but we never had a belt to tighten in the first place so why do we have to suffer more?

Max and I had this super cool see saw which the two legs gave us and we used to play on it. We couldn't get inside it because it was meant for kittens and we are grown up but it was still nice and we liked it.

Last night the two legs were up and down stairs with boxes and crates and Sebastian said he thought they were on the move again and if they were he was staying put. He wasn't going to go through the moving experience again. He did that once and according to him one move ina  lifetime is enough for any self-respecting cat. I don't know I have never moved - yet.

Anyway these boxes had all manner of cool things in them and I watched as they took them out to the car and filled the boot up with all the boxes. I hear him say it was an early start the next morning for the "BOOT FAIR" Now I understand this is where tall the two legs buy and sell stuff out of the boot of their cars. I think my American readers must call this a trunk sale as they don't have boots on their cars. You see how worldly wise I have become since talking to Max regularly!

Anyway as they drove off this morning with all the stuff in the car at 5 o'clock - Yes that early - I saw our see saw resting on the back shelf. When they came home there was no see saw - they had sold it. Worse still I heard them say they had sold it to a lady who wanted to use it for her ferrets. Now I mean that was our plaything and it has now gone to the ferrets without so much as a please or thank you. Max and me are miffed.

By the way what is a ferret?

Temperamental Computers - Tsk Tsk

Hey aren't these computer things weird?

I came on yesterday to write to you about what I had been doing and it said I couldn't. I said I could and told it to stop being silly but it was quite adamant and said it couldn't work. I thought it might be the annual computer day of rest so I was about to leave it when two legs walked in.

"What have you done to it?" he asked - notice how it is immediately my fault when something goes wrong. It couldn't just happen. It couldn't be someone else's fault. It has to be me.

"I just switched it on to tell them what I have been doing.!"

"I bet you've been playing with it and done something you shouldn't. You put you great big paws in the stupidest of places!"

Now that hurt. I am always careful where I put my paws and I don't think they are great big anyway. I decided to sulk.

I heard him muttering and moaning and searching about for disks and things and I thought it must be something serious. I tried to remember if I had hit any funny buttons but I am sure I didn't.

"Well," he announced emerging from under his desk with a  clutch of disks "That's just about put the tin lid on it. Lost everything. Got to re-build the thing from scratch. All your work has gone my friend. You won't see me for the rest of the day!"

He shut himself away and was moaning and groaning about this and that and then cheering that something had gone right. I kept a low profile!

Eventually he emerged and said he had put it back together but not everything was there where it had been.

I asked him where my notes to you were and he said he had got some of them back and the rest would ahve to stay in the memory of the readers. I thought that was unfortunate but then you have good memories so that's OK.

I settled down to write up what I had been doing and do you know - I had completely forgotten!

Sun Sun Go Away

Wow! Someone put the heating on and didn't tell me. Isn't it hot!

It's a bit inconsiderate really because I have got all my training to complete before the inaugural feline Olympic Games and I can't settle to train in all the heat. Only yesterday I said to Max we ought to do some serious road work to get us in shape for the 50km road walk and he said he would love to but his "condition" meant that he couldn't. I thought me and Seb could do some road work together but when I found him he was asleep and got rather cross because I woke him from drowning in a vat of ice cream and it was the coolest he had felt in days.

I gave up and started to do some push ups on the patio but it got hot there too so I laid down for a rest and by the time I woke up it was time to go to bed. Not a lot of training done there then.

I am just putting in a little plea. Could we have it a little bit cooler so my paws don't fry when I put them on the concrete.

BY the way my body surfing mates are in a spot of bother. Their second practice run took them out onto the high seas and they were last seen challenging the big tanker ships in the English Channel. If you are down that way and see them - say Hi to them - they would appreciate that.

Demonstration Sports

I know about all the competition sports we have at the Inaugural Cat Olympics but what I wasn't prepared for was the fact that we also have demonstration sports where we showcase new sports that may become true Olympic Events in the future.

Sebastian told me about this and suggested we could have a Dreamies eating competition - basically to see who could eat the most Dreamies in 30 seconds or we could have a clear a bag the fastest competition he enthused. I told him the Olympics were about fitness and speed and strength not gluttony and greed and he lost interest at that point.

I was talking to my friends form down the road - the Portuguese twins who don't look alike and they said they were pretty good at body boarding. I said that was good but we were unlikely to have snow in time for the Olympic events. They said they performed on water.

I went and had a preview and they were not too bad. Blanco was a natural and led the team while Tabz was a bit scared looking all the way through and when I spoke to him after he said he was afraid of water but wouldn't say no as he was more afraid of Blanco.

I've got my first demonstration event lined up now then.

Olympic Countdown

Well it's not long to go now until the Inaugural Cat Olympics of 2012 and I am still working hard on my fitness and training.

When we went down to the seaside the other day I took the opportunity to dive in and have a practice swim in the open water. I am a pretty strong swimmer and was doing very nicely until a group of two legs came along with their dogs.

You know what dogs are like barking and running about and chasing sticks and balls and generally behaving stupidly. Well these were no exception. Then right in the middle of my time trial for the 4000 meters freestyle this silly two legs threw a ball into the water right close to me and in came the pack of hounds. They were still barking and wagging their tails and they were nearly drowning as they barked and water shot into their mouths then they were flapping about and getting me totally soaked.

I had to give up the time trials and went full speed for the shore. I shook myself off(making sure I was very close to the two legs who had thrown the ball. She squealed and then cried out about a drowned rat. I looked around but couldn't see it so I guess she must have gone in to save it.

I don't know how I am expected to win all these medals when the two legs are consistently tryingt o put a stop on my training.

Life is hard for us Olympians.

Drive a Hard Bargain

Me and some of the loads decided we would go down to the sea side as it was a nice day. Now I told you before we live a long way from the sea and we usually have to go in the car but the two legs were a bit busy doing the sort of things that two legs like to do so we said we would go on the bus.

Now our local bus goes right down to the sea front and it is a nice big double decker bus and I like to run up the stairs and get a front seat so I can see where we are going. The drivers know us and are quite friendly and let us ride along without paying a fare so all is good in the world.

We were waiting for the bus - about six of us - when this little short bus came along. I think it must have lost it's top somewhere but I recognised the driver and he smiled as we all scurried on board. We are always good on the journey because they have said they would throw us off if we misbehaved and we don't want to be left way out in the country where we have to walk for miles to get home.

We got to the terminus and we all got off and the driver said we would need to be back in 2 hours for the return ride. Now I don't have a watch nor do any of the lads so we were a bit stumped by that. Anyway we went along the promenade and found some candy floss left by one of the stalls and we shared that. then we found some chips and best of all someone had left a whole ice cream cone for us so we ate well and wandered back to the bus.

"Nothing much to do lads?" asked the driver "There's half an hour to go before I set off again."

I looked at the lads and we all agreed we would rather sit on the bus than chance how long half an hour might be,

"Hey big fellow!" the driver said to me "Come up here and see what it's like to drive this"

I got up onto his lap and reached out for the wheel just as he let the hand brake off and we rolled forward slightly. I was so scared because I have never driven anything that big.. Luckily he had his foot on the brake and stopped the bus but not before he had taken a picture of me looking silly.

Still it was a nice day out.

I'm So Sorry

Listen guys I am so sorry. I owe you all a big apology. I didn't know it was my fault until my two legs told me this morning. I promise I will stop right away.

I was having a quick wash in the bathroom with my male two legs and I started washing my ears. The usual routine of wetting the paw and then passing it over my ears to clean my head. All of a sudden he looked down at me and shouted

"Casper! Don't ever wash over your ears that will make it rain!"

I stopped immediately and I looked out the window and saw the sun was shining. Perhaps he was right.

It has been so wet I had to get a rain hat out so I could sit up my pole and watch the world. I am sure I have mentioned to you before now about the continual rain and why didn't someone turn the tap off. I never knew it was me causing it all the time. I can only apologise for the ignorance of youth. I am a bit cross to tell the truth because I thought Max or Sebastian would have told me about that. If my two legs hadn't told me we could have had rain for ever and we would all have been washed away just because I like to have a clean head.

I am going to have a dirty head from now on and you can all enjoy the sunshine.

What a strange old world this is when a poor little pussy like me can effect the whole world.

When Can You Nap?

Isn't it amazing as soon as you settle down for a nice afternoon nap you can guarantee all hell breaks loose. Now there I was yesterday ready for a snooze. I'd eaten well. had a bit of a game in the garden with the lads and chased a bee for ages. Off I went to Sebastian's new bed and snuggled down.

First there's Sebastian moaning in my ear that it's his bed and would I get out.

No I said first come first served I told him to go and sleep in the old bed by the window.

Nice get the head down and dream of tuna mountains. Oh my Lord whatever was that? Up starts the mower and goes round eating all the grass in the garden. The noise was deafening and went on for what seemed like hours. Finally it stopped and the tuna mountain beckoned again. Not to be - the male two legs got this huge knife out and started to saw through planks of wood. I don't know where he found all the wood but he was sawing away until he was right out of puff. Good I thought sleep and tuna mountains.

Wrong! On goes the washing machine and clothes and everything are hurtling around and the machine is banging and crashing like there's no tomorrow. At the same time the mixer thing was screaming as the female two legs started baking. Then the whirr of the fan oven as she pushed cakes and tarts and things in there to bake.

By now I was getting a tad irritable and I thought I'd have a quick scratch of the furniture to make my point. Out I got to vent my feelings and into the bed crept Sebastian!

I went upstairs and laid down on the pillow in the back room. I could almost taste the tuna mountain as sleep came towards me. Bang! It went away the two legs next door was home and he started mowing his grass. That did it! I got up and vowed to keep them awake when they went to bed. trouble was I was so tired by then I fell asleep and the tuna mountain never came!

The rain make them quieter you know!

I'm Such An Artist

Now you have always known I am a famous cat but did you know how famous?

I was once painted by some Italian guy with his mistress - her name was Lisa and I believe she was always nagging and complaining so they caller her Mona Lisa - boom boom! Anyway there's this famous picture hanging in the Louvre - Max says it is actually in the loo but he always gets things wrong! - and it's me and her. She used to cuddle up to me when the Italian guy - Leo - was away painting or inventing or making some code or doing whatever Italians do.

Now you are sitting there saying this is nonsense because he isn't old enough to have been there and you would be right. You see I went and saw this two legs who makes you do dreams and stuff and takes you back to your previous lives and she took me back to when I was in this Lisa person's arms. I thought it was nonsense too until she brought out the picture and there it was. What can't speak can't lie.

Next time I am going back to when I was William Tell's cat and I sat on his son's head with an apple on my head and he shot it off. The apple not my head and all the two legs of that country were saved from something nasty and I was a hero.

It seems in all my previous lives I have been famous or a hero or both so it is not surprising that the same thing is happening in this one. You are so lucky to know me!

Cool Party Time

I had a word with my personal shoppers today and said it would be nice of them if they could lay on a  surprise party for Max and Sebastian's birthday. They were a bit reluctant at first but I said I would nip round with the invites if they could organise the food and milk and goodies and maybe a couple of games to keep it going.

They were game for it and even agreed to my suggestion that once the guests were here and the food was served the two legs should make themselves scarce for the duration of the party. I was surprised myself at my silver tongue!

I went around calling on all our local friends and they were nearly all there except for Bluebelle who had to go to her own party to celebrate her young two legs' birthday, She said the two legs was 10 years old and I said Max and Sebastian were older than that and Bluebelle was amazed but she still said she would stay with her family. I respected her wishes and I guess it's right that family comes first in these matters. Bluebelle always knows the right thing to do. She must have got my share of those genes when we were born!

Anyway when I got back the two legs had been busy and decorated the lounge and made tuna patties and there was lots of cream and milk (for the diet conscious amongst us!). They left some pouches of meat and fish open so we could help ourselves if supplies ran low. They opened the French doors so we could use the toilet if necessary - they are thoughtful with these sort of things.

Also they left an array of toys and feathers around and some balloons for us to play with and they put the music on so we could dance if we wanted to. And to cap it all they made a birthday cake with 12 edible candles on and it said Happy Birthday Max and Sebastian.

We all enjoyed the party and echoed that sentiment.

Now I'm full up and tired.

Birthday Blues

Now today is Max and Sebastian's birthday. I think they are about 12 years old in cat years which means they must be 84 in your years - I'm a brilliant mathematician (actually I heard the two legs say it so I thought it would sound good coming from me!)

Anyway the two legs went out yesterday and bought a new bed for Sebastian and Max. It was a lovely big bed with all fur lining and they brought it back in and picked up my bed and put it by the window and put this new one down for Sebastian to try. Max was asleep upstairs at the time.

"Oi I don't want my bed over there by the draughty window besides I can't see who comes in the television box from there." I protested in vain.

Sebastian sniffed the bed non-committally and walked away. The two legs coaxed him back telling him it was his present. He sniffed again, got in the bed and snuggled down. He looked really comfortable.

"Why can't he go by the window and I can have the other bed where it was?". No-one answered me.

Sebastian curled up and very soon was snoring contentedly. I was cross.

Then I had an idea. I jumped up on the television table and reached up to the top of the box and had my front paws over the top with just my head showing.

"Seb, Seb. Quick wake up!" I called to him.

A bleary eye opened and looked up at me questioningly.

"Get up quick, Seb,. The television box is about to fall over right on top of you. I'm holding it for as long as I can."

Sebastian - never one for great bursts of speed - slid out of his bed and wandered over toward the kitchen.

"See if there are any biscuits there. I haven't the strength to hold on much longer" I urged.

I watched his bum disappear round the corner to the kitchen.

Quick as a flash I jumped over the television box and into the still warm bed. That fleecy lining was so warm and snug. I settled down at once.

Sebastian returned and looked at me.

"Everything OK?" he enquired.

"Yes, I think I have stabilised it now. I'll stay here for a while to make sure it's safe before you get back in."

"Oh thanks Casper. But where shall I go?"

"You can have my bed by the window. Nice view of the garden there and no disruption from the noise on the television box"

"Oh thanks - you are a pal. If you need me just shout" and off he waddled to the bed by the draughty window!

When the two legs came back they looked and just shrugged.

"I suppose Sebastian is old and doesn't like change. Casper will try anything though. Glad they have sorted it out!" she mused.

Happy birthday Max and Sebastian, your bed is well comfortable!

Is White Alright?

Now last night the two legs settled down to look at the two legs in their television box and I thought I might as well join them so I snuggled up on the settee and stretched out ready to be entertained. What an education I had.

Instead of the usual two legs playing football or hitting balls about they had this cat come in the box. He was quite handsome and I took a liking to him but then he broke the code of silence and spoke! He was French I think and he talked a lot. It seemed he was an outlaw and then he told his story and he was this orphan and left at a village orphanage and raised by a nice fat two leg lady who gave him some boots as a sign of honour. All sorts of things happened to him and I fell asleep through some of them and then he came back to the village as a hero and they said he had earned his boots as a sign of his honour and courage.

I looked down at my paws and realised I have these white boots - you've probably seen them in my pictures.

I asked Max and Sebastian if they thought that they were my boots of honour and they were rather rude to me - I thought that was a bit uncalled for.

So I have been wondering are my white boots the same as his boots or do white boots signify something else. No-one has ever explained this to me. And then how come Max and Sebastian have no boots at all?

There are so many questions to be asked.

A Merry Dance

We decided to have a pre-Olympics ball down our alley the other night. Well all the two legs have been having all these parties to celebrate all sorts of things so I said we felines must have something to introduce the inaugural feline Olympics. Sebastian said we could have a BBQ and get everyone to bring food and he would take charge of cooking it. I suspected he had other plans for the food so we said no to the BBQ especially as none of us are good at lighting fires.

Max liked the sound of a sleep over until he realised there would be other cats in the house and he thought again on that and offered to go on the sleep over himself. I think he was just being a bit miserable really. Then my sister Bluebelle came up with a fabulous idea. She said we should have a pre-Olympics ball.

I thought at first she was talking about a game of football and I am not very good at that. I tend to get caught up on the ball and end up rolling in the mud. The two legs say I am good at rolling in the mud and could easily play for the Portuguese team but I think they were just being funny besides the Portuguese team don't have any other cats in their team so I would look a bit silly and I don't speak Portuguese!


Bluebelle then explained a ball was what the two legs called a classy dance so that was fine. Max said he remembered some old dances from when he used to see the two legs climb into the television box and dance with different two legs and get voted on and some got fired from cannons and some flew across the world on strings. I said perhaps we should aim a bit lower and not go for all the gimmicks - maybe just have an honest dance. So we did.


We went down the alley and met up with a lot of other Olympians (so now I know we are going to have a good attendance at the games) and we danced for ages.


This is me dancing with Slinky Salena - she lives round the corner from me and she is quite a hot little dancer especially when we did a rumba!


Keep dancing!

Nice to have a Drink with Friends

It was such a nice day today I thought I'd go for a walk down to the pond where my friends live. There are so many of them live in there I forget all their names and most of them are from Japan and have strange sounding names but it doesn't matter because we all get along good together.

Anyway I went via the scenic route which means you have to climb four or five fences and by the time I reached the pond I was out of breath and panting and also thinking about having to do the journey back home in time for my tuna supper.

Amami (her name means beautiful sky in their language) who is one of the girl fishes said I could have a drink with them. I said I didn't like any of their alcoholic stuff sake or whatever they call it. Amami said they kept that for their special visitors but I could share their water.

That sounded good to me so I set to and drank from their pond with them. It was funny because as I drank they swam round and some of them tickled my tongue.

I thought it was so cool to have friends that you could go and have a drink with. I thanked them and after a little chat made my way home.

I had a new energy and vigour as I jumped the fences and got back home well in time for supper.

I was telling Max about my adventure and he looked at me rather disgustedly. When I asked him what was wrong he pointed out the the fish pee and poo in the pond and I had drunk from it. Maybe I should have had the sake instead.

Hanging On In There

With all this nonsense about the tennis I had quite forgotten my practise for the Feline Olympics. Luckily when I was about to go for a snooze on Max's head he reminded me so I thought I had better set to and do something.

I was going to have an abseiling event but we weren't sure how you did it and Bluebelle said there might bee an accident and I could be held responsible and all those two legs that ring up and talk about injuries and suing would be on like a shot so I dropped that idea. I remembered my mishap jumping off the fence onto the trampoline and onto the bouncy castle so I thought of a wire walking test.

We could stretch the wire between two fences and see who could get the furthest without falling off. If more than one got all the way then it would have to be timed. I am getting a fabulous brain for working out these events. I wouldn't be surprised if they call me in to organise the two legs Olympics soon.

Well I couldn't find any wire so I made do with some chains they had at last year's Christmas party. I pulled them out of their box and dragged them to the fence and managed to loop them on. Then I took the other end and looped that round the other fence. If I say so myself it was a very good job. The only thing was I wasn't sure how strong it was and I wasn't about to test it.

Ordinarily Max would come in at this point but he was busy with a tinsel fairy I had pulled out of the box at the time I got the chain. If Max is determined to play with something it doesn't matter what you say or do he just carries on. Luckily Fluffy Bob appeared - he's a new kitten on the street and he has come to me for advice on how to live life. I told him I needed him to test the wire.

Reluctantly he climbed up the fence guided by my instructions. Can you believe he finds it difficult to climb a  six foot fence. I'm sure I wasn't that dumb at his age. Anyway he takes two steps along and overbalances and is up there hanging on like an athlete doing chin-ups. I told him to hang on and see how long the chain lasted. he's still up there so I think the chain will do for the Olympics - just not sure how to get Fluffy Bob down now.

Anyone For Tennis?

What's with all this television box at the moment.

First he had all those little two legs in there kicking balls around and jumping on one another and hugging and kissing when they got the ball in that big hairnet. It's amazing how sportingly informed he is - he was forever shouting at them to pass the ball shoot - now that did seem extreme to me - or get the man off only he didn't say man!

Now he has become an expert at that pit pat game at Wimbledon. He shouts things like lob him - smash it - anyone could have returned that shot - extreme again I fear.

Anyway I was watching a bit of it. Well there's no way you can avoid it. The two legs seem to climb in the box around midday and are patting the ball back to each other until it gets too dark to see where it's gone. Mind you one of them the other night got real clever and put the light on and that game went on until well after I had gone to bed.

I don't mind watching a bit of it apart from the fact that my head goes from side to side as they pat it across that bit of fishing net in the middle of the grass. But I don't like all that noise they make. It sounded at first like wild animals about to stampede then the female two legs started whooping and snorting and I got quite frightened and had to hide behind the television box until I realised she wasn't shouting at me.

Well I put a stop to it now. I saw them playing today and when it was over I pinched there balls and I'm keeping them in my bed so they can't play with them tomorrow!

I expect I'll be in trouble but I don't care!

Sofa So Good - NOT!

They went out the other day and bought new furniture. Now I am broad minded - I don't mind that. In fact I quite like the idea of somewhere new to sharpen my claws or stretch my legs and have a good scratch. But I am getting cross now.

I mean how long have I been around her? Wouldn't you think they'd have a bit more consideration? No they don't they just go ahead and get whatever they want and never mind the three of us felines.

I mean they got this great big chair in bright orange. I said the colour was a bad choice the moment it came off the delivery van but there's no telling them. Next thing it's in the lounge and all the furniture is being moved to make way for the chair. Now if it was me I would have made sure I knew exactly where it was going before I bought it but not them!

Eventually they decided on the spot for it and put it to rest and went to have a cup of tea. Well only one thing for me to do then and that was road test it. I jumped up and did a couple of circles ready to settle down and then I realised I was in something like quicksand. My back legs sunk deeper in the fabric the more I struggled to get out. I was trapped and felt like I was going to be eaten by the monster chair from outer space.

Just then in he walked and that was it.

"You can't be trusted for one minute can you?" he bellowed "As soon as we turn our back your up to mischief. Now get out of there at once"

"Listen I've been trying for the last five minutes. It's you who bought the stupid thing. Wait til you're trapped in it with your legs pointing up to the ceiling. Will I come yelling at you then?"

"Are you listening I said off!"

"Actually you didn't you said out but that doesn't matter I can neither move off nor out of it"

"Right that's it!" he grabbed me and pulled me free from my life threatening trap. I purred and licked him. "Good boy - sorry I shouted at you but it's an expensive chair and we don't want it covered in cat hairs do we?"

I held my tongue. There I was I just back from the jaws of death in his stupid chair and all he's worried about is a little cat hair on it. One knows one's place!

Are They Cheating On Me?

I have a nasty feeling I am being cheated upon by the two legs.

Remember I told you the other day they had these dogs come and stay for the afternoon and they played with them and let them use my toys and things well today was worse.

I was up nice and early as usual and went to see him in bed at 3 a.m. He was quite cheerful and gave me a roll and a cuddle and I laid in his arms for a little while. next thing he was up and out of bed and so was she. They raced about doing all the things they usually take all morning to do then called the three of us indoors. There was a bit of bribery with biscuits but we were all in and shut up by 9 o'clock when I heard the car start up and they were away.

It was quite a nice day and I had a nice nap on the bed in front of the window alongside Max so we could get a bit of warmth from the sun. Sebastian remained downstairs in his bed to make sure the food wasn't used too early. He always says in those situations where we are left we need to ration the food to ensure it lasts. Trouble is he always seems to have the biggest ration and it has usually all gone by the time they have passed Tesco.

They eventually came home when the sun was setting so we had been alone for ages and they smelled of dogs again. I sniffed his hand and he had the scent of a lady dog. I sniffed hers and it was the same.

I said to Sebastian I thought they were perhaps going off us felines and were looking to replace us with canines. Sebastian said I was paranoid. Is that a special type of cat? I haven't heard of them before.

What do you think?