Music While You Work

Hey this technology lark is pretty cool isn't it?

I was having a roam about the other morning and I sniffed in a cupboard I hadn't been in before and there was this little gadget laying there. I wondered what it was and then I saw it had a long tail with a soft plastic bit at the end. I gave it a few taps and the thing shot round and landed in my ear.

I left it there as it was actually drowning out the sound of Seb's snoring and it didn't seem to be doing me any harm. Then I put my paw on the front and this music started crashing in my head. Gave me quite a fright at first and then I sort of got used to it and laid back and drifted with the music. Don't know who or what I was listening to but it kept my spirits up and kept Seb's snores at bay!

Max came in a bit later and said "What are you doing with the i-Pad?"

"My pad? Nothing it's a thing with a tail that sings to me"

"It's the two legs' i-Pad. They play music and games and surf on it"

"Don't be stupid Max, even I couldn't stand on it let alone surf and I don't think it's waterproof anyway."

"Not surf in the water stupid. Surf the net. The world wide web"

Max is such a brain box I don't know how he keeps all that information in his tiny head. I think he might have my pad or i-Pad in there.

I don't understand how they get all those people to sing in such a small box but it works and I keep hearing different sons from different people and you never see the people go in and out and I have been watching really closely.

Technology eh - makes you think doesn't it/

Float Like a Butterfly

My mate Max was all upset today.

It seems he was out on the patio when he saw a butterfly and he stopped to talk to it. The butterfly was telling Max that they did not live for very long and that it was a pity that it had been raining every day since he had pupated. Isn't that a lovely word? I didn't know what it meant when Max said it so I asked him. Apparently these butterflies start life as caterpillars and then they make a cocoon and then they become this pupa thing and finally the butterfly.

I thought it was an awesome journey but Max pointed out that because it was such a long process, when they got to be what they were meant to be they didn't have long to live so all in all it wasn't so good.

Well Max was getting very friendly with this butterfly and asked his name. It was Bernie. Max being the well brought up cat he is put out his paw to shake hands (or paws) with Bernie and inadvertently crushed him leaving just a pile of dust.

Max was really upset as Bernie had never seen the sun and in a moment of misfortune had met an untimely end.

I told Max to cheer up as Bernie must have been pleased to know him if only for a short time.

Max is OK now I think

When You Gotta Go

Now in this household there is a constant battle between the male and female two legs. You hear it all day.

"Have you been to the loo?"

"Yes. Why?"

"Can't you put the loo seat down after you've finished?"

"Never think of it. I'll do it from now on!"

Every time the same ritual.

Well it got me thinking. Why is it that two legs can go into a nice quiet room and do their business uninterrupted in that big basin thing and then flush it all away with water. What about us felines. We have to go in a box of gravel that sticks between your toes or worse! Then it lays and festers until a two legs comes along and wraps it up and takes it off to a bin in the street. With 3 of us cats in the house there is never any privacy and I will often be in mid flow (so to speak) when Max or Sebastian comes through and says they need the box.

Or worse the two legs come by and start coaxing me about being a good boy and don't worry they will get rid of it. I mean if I could use their basin there wouldn't be anything to get rid of.

Well the other morning he had just been to the loo and left the door open. Now that gets her just as mad as the seat being up. But it was all to my favour. I darted inside before I could be seen and jumped onto the basin. It's all kind of slippery and not very wide but I have an outstanding sense of balance so I perched there and did my business. It was very nice to hear the noise as it hit the water at the bottom of the basin and I was looking for the handle to flush it when I lost my balance and fell in.

Right now I know why two legs give us felines a box. We can't fall off that. I have greater respect now for the two legs knowing they can hold their balance better than me.

My Mate Bunny

Now I'm not one to make a fuss as you know but I am beginning to think my two legs have turned the house into a zoo or something. There I was the other day minding my own business having a little after lunch snooze in my bed when in comes trouble.

I heard the doorbell and was about to make a dash upstairs but I thought it's too hot to go dashing about so I will stay here and risk it.

In comes another two legs with a basket and starts talking about holidays and will it be alright to leave Bunny and what Bunny eats and drinks and when Bunny likes to go to the loo and all manner of embarrassing things.

I had no idea who or what Bunny was but I already felt sorry for him or her. How would you like to have all your business laid bare in front of strangers particularly where and when you toilet. I think there are some things that even if two legs know about they should keep to themselves as a matter of respect.

Anyway before long the two legs were hugging and wishing a safe journey and all manner of things. Next thing the basket was on the floor. I made a point of not being interested. I have found that if you show interest you invariably get railroaded into looking after whatever it is and I didn't fancy Bunny and the eccentric poohing arrangements.

Two legs came over and bent down to the basket and said" Well they have to meet sometime so might as well be now!"

He undid the basket and this weird thing hopped out. Bunny was in fact a rabbit, Tall ears and a nose that never stopped twitching. I looked amazed. What was worse it came straight oover to the bed I was in and started to nibble my paws.

"Get off you!" I growled quietly but menacingly.

"Come on let them see we get on and they'll leave us alone and we can have some fun!" Bunny was a bit more bright than his looks gave him credit.

I leant forward and licked his head. Surprisingly like Sebastian's head.

"That's pretty nice cat. Now up out of the bed and let me in, They will know we can be left then"

"You what? I had to wait my turn to get in here when I arrived. So should you."

"If you don't it will be baskets and cages. Come on it isn't going to hurt you is it"

Reluctantly I got out and Bunny snuggled in and went to sleep.

"Aw look they are getting on so well and Casper gave up his bed. We can leave them alright"

Off they went and I turned to Bunny.

"Come on then let's play now they've gone"

"Don't be daft rabbits don't play with cats. Besides I need to sleep go away and be quiet".

You can't trust anyone these days.

Cat Flap Carlo

Down our street they have had a new kitten recently. His name is Carlo and to be honest he's a bit of a wimp. He doesn't seem to know anything and he sometimes sits in the middle of the road and I have to go and drag him to the pavement so he doesn't get run over. I'm very considerate like that you know.

Anyway last week Carlo's carers had a cat flap installed in their back door so Carlo could get in and out whenever he wanted. Now personally I think this is a rather foolish move because Carlo has very little sense and is just as likely to get out and forget where he came from and never be seen again. But I try my best to warn two legs but they just go blindly ahead with their ideas and then wonder why it all goes wrong.

But back to Carlo. He had great difficulty understanding the mechanics of a cat flap and persisted in banging his head against the door instead of the flappy bit of the mechanism. I have never claimed to have a degree in rocket science but I can see the difference between a movable flap and a solid door, Sadly Carlo can't.

Well the final straw came yesterday when Carlo was being shown how the flap operates - I think this was the twentieth time to my knowledge - and low and behold he was wearing a crash helmet to protect his head,

I went and told Max who didn't believe me and as for Seb; well he got up from his slumbers, came to the front, had a look and rocked with laughter. I feel sorry for Carlo

Frying Tonight

I've told you before about Percy Pigeon and the way he tends to pooh when he's talking to you. Well the other day he went too far. I was having a nice laze in the afternoon sun with Sebastian and Max. Now when it's really warm the two legs put chairs in the garden which I think are for us to sit in but sometimes the two legs get grumpy and make us get out of them so they can sit in them. I think that's a bit unfair as we have to walk about all day unless we are sleeping.

Anyway this particular afternoon, I had bagged the comfortable one with all the cushions and Seb was on the hard one with one cushion. Max was a bit slow getting there so had to make do with the grass. I had said to Sebastian we ought to get two legs to put up and umbrella so that we wouldn't get sunburned but Seb just told me to keep quiet and enjoy the warmth.

I was doing that when Percy appeared on next door's roof and started telling us (and half the neighbourhood) about his latest adventures. Sebastian was listening with half an ear and his eyes were closing and I knew before long it would be a competition between Percy's high pitched squawking voice and Sebastian's deep throated,  full blooded snores. No competition really Sebastian can drown out a jet airplane with hsi snoring.

Well Percy must have sensed this and flew down towards the feeding station and in doing so poohed right on my chair - Yuk!

That was it, we got the barbecue out and made sure Percy won't pooh on us again!

Only joking - we left it to two legs to clear up and went indoors to sleep on the beds!

Horsing Around

It's so long since I took a trip over the fields to the farm I thought I ought to go before the weather turns and the lane gets all muddy and I get into trouble when I come home with muddy feet and walk on the furniture. I tried to tell them it was their fault for buying white furniture when there were three cats in the house but do they listen?

"Oh look at that lovely suite. It would look just right in the lounge with some pink fluffy cushions on it."

"Don't do it." I cautioned "Muddy feet and cat hairs will soon turn the white a less appealing shade of grey."

Next thing two men are bringing the suite through the front door and out goes the nice serviceable one with my first dew claw down the back of it. No thought for memories. I don't know.

Anyway I set off and told Max and Seb where I was going. Seb suggested I take a packed lunch with me as it was at least 10 minutes walk. I declined and set off through the woods. I came to the clearing and crossed the ditch - which was virtually dry now. By the time winter comes the trickle of water will be a raging stream and I might not get across. I was walking up the long and winding path to the farm and I noticed something different. The smell wasn't what I remembered and I didn't hear the sheep or goats calling instead there was this deep throaty noise. I rounded the corner and to my surprise the farm had gone and there were new two legs there and lots of horses. it had turned into a stables.

"What do you want?" A tough looking ginger cat wandered over to me somewhat menacingly.

"I came to see my old friends who were on the farm but they aren't here any more. What's happened?"

"Farmer sold up and my people bought it. Raise and stable horses here. They're thoroughbreds you know. Some of them have won the biggest races going. Old Harry over there won 3 claret cups before they put him to stud. Want to meet him?"

I nodded and followed the ginger cat who leapt onto the fence post and started rubbing heads with Harry - I take it it was Harry we were never introduced formally - "My mate he is. Wouldn't let anyone touch me. Come and see him"

I have never been that close to a horse before and they look very big and very heavy and powerful.

"Got to get back before tea. Thanks all the same. Bye!"

I turned and ran down the path and all the way home.

Why can't things stay as they were?

Not a Mere Cat

Now someone said I was a mere cat the other day and I should not be allowed to have all these excesses. I wish I knew what excesses they were talking about. I hardly ever have a mountain of tuna and I have never yet had too much cream that I could not drink it all. On the contrary I think I lead a frugal existence and am a naturally fit and agile specimen

As to being a meerkat I want it known now and forever more that there is no resemblance between us superior felines and the race of weird insurance sellers calling themselves meerkats. Have you ever seen felines stand on their back legs in a pack looking for predators? Of course you haven't and you never will. We felines are a breed apart there is no other being like us and we do not take kindly to comparisons.

The mention of meerkats in my presence brings me out in an itch and I am most unhappy with it.

Mind you old two legs went and spoke to that funny one in the red suit and got a stuffed one sent to him. (a stuffed meerkat not a stuffed red suit). It sits by the fireplace and I am waiting for them to light the fire so I can drag it along a bit and say bye bye to it!

There's just no COMPARISON!

My Mate Snowy

Now my mate Snowy is a really weird cat and I say that with the greatest amount of affection for him.

The other day we were talking and I asked Snowy what he liked to do.

"Bowling" he replied quick as a flash

"Wow that's a bit difficult isn't it?"

"Not really once you learn how to shape yourself you can get into most of them" he said very matter of factly

"Get into them?" I was flabbergasted - my gast had never been so flabby Boom Boom! "What do you mean? Those holes are only big enough for two legs' thumbs. You could never get in there and suppose a two legs came along and threw you while you were in there, You'd hot all the skittles and probably get a big headache"

"What are you talking about Casper?" Snowy can be very sharp when he wants to be. "I am talking about a place to sleep. I use the bowls the two legs make their cakes and things in. Usually they are a bit sticky so get a free feed as well as a nice sleep. then when they find I am sticky I get a warm bath, fluffy towelling down and a long grooming session. Just the job matey. As for your skittles I think you need to re-appraise your direction."

Snowy climbed into a large trifle dish and settled round. I could smell the strawberry jelly and saw a couple of red flecks on him. Maybe he had got the right idea. Then again maybe not!

Breakfast Disaster

Now you know how you try to help out and something goes wrong. Well that's the story of my life.

Now two legs got up this morning and was busy making his tea for breakfast and I know he loves a bit of toast and jam so I thought - my chance to help out.

I went to the bread packet and there was just one slice left so I carefully took it out and I was about to drop it in the toaster for him when I thought how nice it smelled - the bread that is not the toaster! I couldn't resist I had a little nibble and a little nibble became several little nibbles until there was a great big hole in the middle of the slice.

I thought if I dropped it in the toaster he might not notice or he might think the toaster had eaten it but before I could do anything he turned round and caught me red handed (well I suppose that should be red pawed!).

As you can see I was just surveying the damage and wondering how to make amends - too late!

"What the heck are you doing Casper? That's the last bit of bread in the house! Why did you have to eat that!"

I looked very apologetic and tried to tell him my intentions had been honourable but the flavour of the bread was too overpowering for me to resist. I don't think he wanted to know that.

He had some cereals for breakfast instead.

Party Party

Wow after the two legs had their party the other day, I am off to one tonight.

My sister Bluebelle is living on her own right now. Her carers are away and my carers go in to feed her and talk to her and brush her and give her milk. She does better than I do. Wish my carers would go away so someone can come and look after me (and maybe Max and Sebastian too!)

Anyway I went out last night and there was my sister Bluebelle sitting up the tree.

"What you doing up there Blue? Are you stuck? I can get my two legs to climb up and get you down!"

"Oh brother how did I get you? I'm up here so I can see who is about. I am inviting cats to my party tomorrow night."

"Oh coolio sis Can I come?"

"For goodness sake drop the street wise talk. You are the same as me and we don't talk like that. And yes I suppose you can come especially if you bring hunky Sebastian with you"

"Hunky? He's old and slow and sleeps a lot"

"Be quiet or you won't be welcome. Sebastian is a gentleman. he always treats me with courtesy and respect."

I ran inside and told Max and Seb we were partying tonight. Max was unimpressed and Seb said he would think about it. I told him Bluebelle had specifically asked for him to go and he went all coy and waved his paw over his face and murmured "Oh shucks" I think he might be smitten.

Anyway can't stop here gossiping with you I've got to go upstairs and have a good clean up before I am out. Might tell you what happened tomorrow if it is printable

Happy Birthday two Legs

Well what a day it was yesterday. Old two legs had one of his birthdays and it seemed all hell was let loose.

First off there was all this furniture being moved about and cups and saucers and plates being loaded onto the table. I tried to help but only managed to knock all the serviettes on the floor and then I sent the plastic plates down to join them. apparently that was not a good plan and I was told to leave the premises.

Next he's out in the garden working up a nice sweat erecting this tent thing. I said to Max I reckoned the female two legs had sent him into the garden to sleep but once it was erected he put tables and chairs in there - not bed. I had to admit I got that one wrong.

Then the doorbell started ring and other two legs came in bearing presents and cards and things. I offered to help him open them and share some of the chocolates I smelled but he banished me again. I was beginning to feel neglected I don't mind telling you.

Then I think he opened that television bix thing and loads of two legs appeared, laughing dancing, singing and playing games. Then I heard me personal shopper say food was served. I ran into the kitchen and there was nothing for me. The dining table was groaning with two leg food but nothing for me. I moaned to Sebastian but he told me to watch him as he circled the guests and collected a number of pieces of food.  I am not as forward as Sebastian when it comes to hustling so I went off into the car and laid on the back seat and had a few chats with some little two legs who came to see me. One said I had doubled in size from last year. I thought please not another diet craze but I think I got away with it.

Nice to see my two legs putting everything back to normal so Max and me and Seb can have a jolly good rest today. I don't think the two legs should have birthdays as often as they do - it disrupts us felines you know

Gymnastics NO thanks

My mates the two Portuguese twins have been away on holiday while their two legs went on holiday too.

I was talking to Jose this morning - he's the more talkative one of the twins - Jorge is quieter but has a deadly attack on him. He leapt out at me and Sebastian when we were laying in the bushes when they first arrived and he was like lightning. Came from nowhere, attacked and disappeared to nowhere - like a Ninja. He's the man (well cat actually) to have in your camp when the going gets tough.

Any Jose was telling about this place his carers took them to. It seems it was this old house in the country with loads of different houses for the cats all with their own run and play amenities. Then the two legs who ran the place let the cats out individually for games. Of course Jose and Jorge were allowed out together and were allowed to share accommodation. Jose said it was OK but when Jorge started his snoring there was nowhere to go to like there is in the big house where they normally live.

Jose was telling me about this game they played where the two legs fixed a rope over a small pond and then the cats were allowed to run and grab the string and swing across. Jose said he loved watching some of the less athletic cats try this and fall in the pond. He was rather rude about Sebastian at this point and I had to tell him off about that.

He decided to show me the act and took me round to his house and decided to jump across the bedroom using the light cord as his rope. I cautioned that this might be dangerous but he told me if you didn't take risks you didn't live. I think some of his sayings get jumbled in the translation from Portuguese.

He jumped across the bed and grabbed at the light cord. Last I remember was a crashing sound as the light came out of the ceiling and bounced of the bed shattering on the floor. Followed by some horrible scratching sounds as Jose flew into the dressing table and left claw marks all down the front. Then there was silence followed by a very plain "Oh No!"

I left at that point.

Bits & Pieces

Now why is it when something goes wrong I am the first one to get the blame?

I( heard two legs say the other day that he was in a construction mood. That always frightens me. When two legs tries to construct something it usually ends in lots of shouting, doors slamming and workmen coming to the house to sort out what he was trying to do. Surprisingly the female two legs didn't seem too upset and said that he could use the dining room table.

Now that really is something. She gets a bit precious about that table when Max and Sebastian and I try our skating tricks on it she shouts at us and tells us to get off. We have to practice somewhere if we are to have any chance of success at the next inaugural feline winter Olympics. I was quite impressed with Max's double salco when he slid from one side of the table turned around and slid half way back. He only knocked a vase of flowers on the floor so that was worth a whole 8 points.

Oh yes two legs was constructing. Well he had been at it for hours and there was no shouting, no banging of doors and no bad language. I was so impressed I thought I would jump up and have a closer look and maybe even give him a hand - well a paw really but let's not split hairs.

I jumped up and forgot about the polish and did a complete 360 degree spin and slid across the table taking a half completed picture with me. To my surprise as it hit the floor it split into hundreds of little pieces. two legs was not amused.

There was much shouting, banging of doors and bad language. He is not constructing anything now!

Betcha!

Hey hasn't it gone dull now the Feline Olympics are over?

I was saying to Max just yesterday "What did we used to do before the Olympics?"

He said sleep so I thought about it and eventually I went to sleep but that's not good enough.

I was about to do you a little note of my doings when I chanced upon this game that old two legs plays on here. It was all about getting fruits to line up so I thought I would have a go.Wow is it cool

I found how to get it going and you watch these reels go round and round and then when there are certain fruits in a line it goes ching ching ching and all these coins flood out of the mouth. I think I am a millionaire now as I played it and loads and loads of coins came out but I couldn't get hold of them.

I was pawing the screen in case they had got stuck inside when two legs came in and gave me a lecture about damaging expensive equipment. I said it was OK my nails are in perfect order and he wouldn't be getting a vet's bill but he didn't seem concerned about that.

I tried to tell him that my millions were lodged somewhere in his computer but again he took no notice. I expect he will empty it when he thinks I am not looking.

I shall be watching him.

This is Getting Boring

Now you know I am not one to complain ever but I think the time has come when my little voice needs to be heard.

I am always partial to a bit of tuna and cream if it is there. I have been known to tackle the odd Dreamie biscuit from time to time and you could never say I was a fussy eater. But enough is enough.

Whenever the two legs go out for a meal they always bring me and Max and Sebastian a little taster back. Now I am not sure whether they are being really thoughtful or tormenting us by telling us what they had and we didn't.

It is through these random gestures of kindness that I have learned about chicken tikka masala and venison in chocolate sauce. So well read (or should that be fed!) am I on these delicacies that I had said to Sebastian I would go inside the television box and do one of those programs on cookery where the chefs are always saying how lovely their food is and how easy it is to make. Not easy if you only have paws I can tell you!

But I digress - I am sorry but you do tend to distract me when I am telling you a story but then I have noticed before that humans are very good distractors but even better at being distracted. Back they came today from another day out all glowing from the sun and full of good humour and then I smelled it. I said to Sebastian we should lead a boycott and not touch it but my breath could have been saved. He was out of his bed faster than a speeding bullet and straight to the female two legs as she unwrapped the offering. Fish and chips again!

Now don't think me ungrateful but I think they could use a bit of imagination and bring something else home. I heard the cheffy two legs in the television box the other night talk about 5 birds in one. Now that's something we would like next time. Please???

Little Old Seafarer Me

It was a lovely day today and after all the trials and efforts in organising the first feline Olympics I decided to go for a trip to the seaside. I got off at a stop before I should have and found myself in a new place. It was billed as the Marina. I wondered what was happening there so I went for a stroll and you would never believe all the boats that were in there.

There were boats of all shapes colours and sizes and although some of them had two legs climbing all over them, most of them were empty. I wondered if anyone would mind if I took one of the empty ones out for a little ride along the coast.

I saw this lovely yacht up the far end of the marina with no-one near it so I decided to have a closer inspection. It looked really cool - all manner of things on board and lots of space. I thought I might just stow away and wait for the owner to come and take it out.

I was about to do that when Sidney Seagull flew over and shouted out to stay away from that boat as it was owned by a wealthy millionaire who took it out to faraway places for months on end. I decided I would be better off at home and got the next bus back.

Better to be safe than sorry you know.

Watch Out For Pirate Bloggers

I am sorry to have to write to you today with a warning but it has come to my attention that there is someone else out there trying to copy me with these letters to you.

I was on my wanderings last night when I came upon an open curtain in a house just down the road from me. Now you know I am not a nosy cat be any means but I thought I should do my neighbourhood duty and have a look through the window to check that everything was OK.

To my surprise the two legs who live there were sitting in front of their own television box (just like the one my carers have) and they were having lots of two legs having a big party in their box. I was going to sit on the window ledge and watch them and hope I might be invited to join in wheh suddenly my blood ran cold.

There was this cat - someone I had never seen before - and he was sitting at his computer writing a blog - just like me. I wanted to see what he was writing but the screen was backed on to me. I watched the way he used the mouse and I think he must have been playing games but It struck me their might be other cats out there writing counterfeit blogs.

Please be careful and insist on the real thing. A Casper blog is the only blog you can guarantee will be accurate

Swimming Finale

Thought you would like to know who won the Gold Medal in the swimming. We couldn't have a lot of different races because only Ginger turned up with a costume. I said it was OK for the other competitors to swim without a costume but Max is the official officiator at the games and he looked up the rule book and found that competitors have to be covered.

I pointed out this was in direct contravention (hey don't you just love it when I find these big words to use!) to the original Olympian code when all the competitors had to do their events naked. That's true because I heard it when a man came into the television box to say how the games began.

Anyway that started an argument about whether you could do things like the hammer throw naked. We decided that it must have been OK so long as they kept their distance from the Olympic Flame or they could have burned more than just their bridges!

Anyway even Ginger complained because he said the gold medal didn't match his fur and he would have preferred the silver. He did han unexpected lap of honour when I threw him back in the pool!

Casper Meets A Friend of Patrick

Now it was a bit of a confusing day today. You see two legs went off with a lot of people down to the seaside. Needless to say Sebastian Max and I had to stay at home. Anyway while two legs was down there he met this young two legs called Angel and they went off on an adventure and Angel found Patrick the starfish.

Now Angel actually saved Patrick’s life because he had been washed up on the shore and was separated from his family. The two of them kept Patrick in a bucket of sea water and fed him and took him to the toilet and made him comfortable. Then Angel was brave and held Patrick and he tickled her with all his tiny feet – his way of saying thank you.

Before they had to go home they took Patrick down to the water and Angel lifted him out of the bucket and put him in the water and he swam away on the tide. She didn’t see him turn and wave a tentacle at her to say goodbye.

Later on Patrick was being washed along the coastline and he came to rest on a rock and he was getting his breath back when he heard a familiar noise. He crawled round under the rock and there was his Mum and two brothers waiting for him and they were so happy to see him.

Now I know you are all saying how does Casper know all this? Well sitting on that same rock was my old mate Sidney Seagull and he listened to every word. Quick as a flash he flew down to mine and told me the whole story. I thought it only right to share it with you.

Synchronised To Perfection

Having told you about two legs and his practicing for synchronised drowning I had a brilliant idea.

We were a couple of events short for the Feline Olympics so I thought why not have synchronised paw raising. I spoke to the committee (well actually it was Max but he quite likes being given a grander title - makes him feel more important so I humour him). He said fine so long as he didn't have to get wet because it would not do his "condition" and good if he got wet. I said I would find a partner and we could do the event as a demonstration event.

I wondered who would be up for laying on their back in a pool of water and raising their paws up and down in time with me. I went to see Louis. She said she was up for it so long as I didn't let her drown. We decided we would get our practice in in the bathroom wash basin. We are quite good at it and we will certainly look to have this as a regular event.

I asked Max to do some unofficial judging and he gave us three nines. I said the top mark was only 6 and he admitted he had got the score cards upside down. I don't trust his eyesight these days you know.

Revenge Is Best served Cool!

I was really cross with two legs today. You remember I was looking for a cat with nine tails. Well two legs comes along and calls me Stupid because there is no such animal. Now I don't mind being told when I get something wrong - that's the way I learn, but I don't take kindly to being called stupid when I genuinely thought I was onto something special. Revenge will be mine!

It was a busy morning when two legs first cut the grass and then set about cutting back the eucalyptus tree. Now that is my tree for sitting in and looking into my neighbour's garden. That way I always get to know what is going on and I do my neighbourhood watch bit.

"Don't cut too much off!" I heard the female two legs say. I thought that was a waste of breath. When two legs gets the shears or cutters in his hand nothing is safe. Whoosh down came the tree down to 12 inches above the ground. A pile of branches in the middle of the lawn and my vantage point gone! Now that was STUPID!

Anyway I was still waiting on my revenge when I heard the marvelous words. "I think I'll go and have a soak, dear"

I knew what that meant. He always gets in the bath and washes down and then lays for a soak practicing for his synchronised swimming. First one leg comes up out of the water and then another. I don't know why he does it but he does.

I slinked into the bathroom and hid behind the toilet until he was safely in the bath and finished washing. I heard him slide down into the bath and knew his eyes would now be closed and I took my chance. I jumped up onto the bath rim and walked silently round to the taps where his feet were just below the water-line. He never heard a thing. Then the movements started. Slowly one foot rose up and back into the water then the other. I waited patiently and as the foot appeared again I readied myself and struck out at his big toe. he shrieked and pulled his foot up so quickly he crashed it into the tap. More shouting.

Then I saw the water turning pink and I thought I might have gone a bit too far, It was a little cut but mixed with the water looked much worse. The female came rushing upstairs with a plaster and administered it to the ailing toe.

"Your blinking cat! I'll have him". I shot into the bedroom and hid under the bed. Safety I thought.

In he came still moaning and lay on the bed. I knew what this meant, a nap before getting dressed again.

I lay under the bed until I heard the gentle snoring to indicate he was asleep. I leapt up onto the bed and slashed out at his other big toe. he shrieked again and up came the female with another plaster and attended to the other toe! That was my two revenge attacks!

He looks funny wandering about moaning about sore toes! At least he won't call me stupid again.

In Search of a freak of Nature

I was having a chat with Max today and he said something that really made me sit up and listen. he mention this cat with nine tails and he said it used to go on ships in the olden days (I think that is when Max was a kitten like me) and apparently it used to punish naughty sailors.

Well you know how things make me think so I thought. And then I had this idea - I thought if I could find a cat with nine tails I could put it in an exhibition and charge two legs to come in and look at it and I could make my fortune and live happily ever after in mountains of tuna and ice cream.

I asked Max if he knew where the cat was and he said he had been told there was one in a museum that our carer had gone to way back. I thought if the cat had been on those ships and had spent time punishing naughty sailors it might not still be around and it certainly wouldn't like sitting in a stuffy museum all day when it had  been used to a life on the high seas. I often wonder if I should have been a ship's cat - I love to explore and I have good sea legs and two legs often says I am all at sea with my thoughts.

Anyway I decided that you out there would be more likely to know where the cat with nine tails is so I am offering a reward to anyone who tells me where it is. I shall come and lick you for half an hour and you can have free entry to my exhibition for one day!

I'm nothing if not generous.

Wrestlemania

Yesterday was the wrestling event at Feline Olympics and I was drawn against Sebastian. Now that was fair all things considered because we are the biggest of the cats who entered. Apart from Max, most of the other entrants were kittens. Well we could bully them into entering easier than we could the bigger cats.

I am quite good wrestling normally but Sebastian got the upper hand yesterday and gave me a quick cross-buttock and had me on my back in a second. I was so tired that I lay there for a moment - well three in fact and I was counted  out on a pinfall. I am sure the photographic evidence shows that Sebastian wasn't actually holding my shoulders down but the referee gave the fall.

I am considering that if we have the event next year I shall have video replay evidence admitted to stop these sort of bad calls.

My friends in the football team are in agreement.

Controversy Again

Now I never knew organising these Feline Olympics was going to be such a headache.

We held the heats of the swimming yesterday and we went down to the beach to do it so we could have free water swimming. I don't know where they charge you to use the water but anything free always sounds good to me.

Now you may not know this but some cats have a dislike of water. It is not general amongst our race like some of the two legs think but some of us genuinely are afraid of water. I had to chose the participants for the water events very carefully. Last thing I wanted was a commotion over someone being afraid to swim in a swimming event!

I did well and we had two of the best swimmers in the county going head to head for the medal.

I gave the starting orders and off they went - but before they had had time to complete the first lap up popped Selwyn Sealion to claim victory. I had to grant him the medal as he had completed the course fastest of any; that's when the controversy started again.

Sirius a beautifully groomed Siamese who was favourite to win came out of the water and confronted me immediately.

"He cannot be given a medal in the feline Olympics. He is not a feline"

I was about to acknowledge this point when Selwyn slithered over. "If I am not a feline can you explain my name please?"

"Er Selwyn ?" I stumbled.

"No! Stupid cat I am a sea lion. Lion do you hear? Lion the king of the cats in the jungle. If a lion is not a cat what is?"

Now this is where logic often defies me. Of course he was right. A lion is the king of cats so a lion that lives in the sea must be a cat. And yet Selwyn had no characteristics of a cat.

Sirius was about to make the same point when Selwyn anticipated and countered "Look at my face I have the whiskers of a cat. Tell me another animal that is not a feline that has whiskers like that"

That was it. I wasn't about to argue. Selwyn had the medal and slithered back into the sea. Sirius came home with us and loaned all the way about incompetent refereeing and I vowed not to undertake another Olympics for at least 4 years

I Met A Star

I thought I ought to get in some practice for the marathon as I had volunteered to participate so I went out over the field and intended to run a few laps to build up my stamina when I noticed a two legs there also practicing. Not just a two legs but THE two legs. The two legs that my carer says has now taken over from St Biffa of Gateshead [Cheryl Cole] as the most adorable thing in his television box! It was Jessica - I even know her name!

I sort of sidled over to where she was jumping with some of her friends and she spotted me .

"Oh look a lovely little cat!"

She bent down towards me and I didn't hesitate to go forward and roll onto my back in front of her.

"Oh Jess looks like you've got another fan!" one of the friends shouted rather embarrassingly.

Her hand came out and rubbed my tummy I started to purr and I reached out to hold her hand; then I remembered my claws and drew back and just gave her a sweet smile.

"Watch out Jess looks like he's going to be sick!"

She pulled away. I stood up and rubbed round her legs still purring loudly. She seemed to like me.

"Perhaps he wants to come home with me" she purred back about me. I was amazed I was being adopted by Jessica, That's when I thought about my personal shopper and my carer and I thought I ought to let them know.

I turned and ran for home.

"Looks like he doesn't want to live with you after all Jess!" I heard one of her friends call out.

I raced home and found two legs in his chair. I pulled at his trousers and kept crying at him until he got up and followed me.

"Where are we going? What's so important?" he kept asking. I couldn't say a word.

We reached the field and it was empty. Just then I heard a car start up and drive out of the car park. I looked up and there was her face looking at me and waving. I wanted to wave back but my paw wouldn't life. I ran after the car but it sped away and round the corner. I made my way back to two legs

"What was that all about? Who was that? Were they annoying you? Is that why you brought me here?"

Aren't two legs daft? They never understand something unless it is spelled out to them. I was about to embark on the story when I heard a car coming into the car park. I looked up and it was that car. She was in it!

I raced over to it and as the door opened I jumped in and into her arms. She carried me out and over towards two legs.

He was all flummoxed as he recognised Jessica at once.

"Is he yours?" she asked

"Yes yes " he stammered reddening in the face. "Has he been annoying you? He shouldn't be out over here. He's got all this stuff going on about feline Olympics and he is always out with the other cats practicing or racing. I'm sorry if he annoyed you."

"It's OK he didn't annoy. He's so sweet he just came to see me. What are the feline Olympics anyway?"

Two legs did a pretty fair job of explaining what we have been doing for the last few weeks and Jessica listened with interest.

"OK," she said finally when two legs drew breath. "Tell you what I'll do. I'll come along to your closing ceremony when you have finished and you can see my medals if I can see yours.

I nodded my head vigorously.

"Look he understands" one of her friends said rather sarcastically I thought.

She bent down and kissed me.

Jessica kissed me and is coming to my closing ceremony.

I'm going to wake up soon. I'm going to wake up soon. I'm going to wake up soon.

Hide & Seek

Oh was it a fun day at the Feline Olympics today.

We brought in the new event of hide & seek and did it have some odd results.

I decided to hide inside a broken football and it was great until the others needed it to play the semi final of the football event. Now I have got a bruised bum!

The silver medal went to my old mate Sprightly Sid. he dived inside one of the pottery vases along the patio and was well hidden. Only trouble was when he finally revealed himself he had to knock the pot over to get free. The damage caused to the pot is irreparable and the two legs are cross again.

But the gold medal was unmistakably destined for little Tigger. I think two legs had a bit of a shock after he finished dressing though. We could hear the shrieks for miles around the stadium - well it's not actually a treal stadium but it sounds quite impressive when I say that.