Trick or Treat

Now this is the night that loads of two legs come round to the house and bang on the door and say "Trick or Treat"

My two legs dress up and have lots of sweets and cakes and stuff and give them to the little two legs when they come. L:ast year I was a bit scared coz I had never seen it before and they were all in scary clothes and masks over their faces. Max told me it was alright and just to ignore them and then I had an idea.

"Let's go Trick or Treating tonight" I said when Max got up at lunchtime.

He looked at me as if I was from a different world. Mind you Max often has the look that he is from a  different world.

"I think not" he said in his totally dismissive manner.

I went in search of Sebastian and asked him. "Well I guess we could go to Loius and maybe Bluebelle but no further. How do you know they will give us the sweets?"

I reassured him and the plan was set. When it fell dark I was ready. I even got a little costume out of my personal shoppers closet and put that on. I went for Sebastian but he had gone into one of his deep sleeps and I knew there was no point trying to wake him. So I went alone

I got to the first house and jumped at the door and scratched all down the paint. I thought they wouldn't see in the dark.

Suddenly the door opened and the man came out with a bucket of water which he threw at me. "Take your tricks elsewhere!" he shouted slamming the door behind him.

I went round to Bluebelle's and knocked on the cat flap; she appeared and l;aughed at me. "You look silly!" she said "I haven't got anything for you they've gone out trick or treating and there's no sweets til they get back" I turned away.

I went over to Louis and she was curled up on the sofa watching the television box. I asked her for Trick or treat and she looked at me blankly and suggested I went home.

I did - not doing that next year!

Under Cover

Have you noticed how cold it has gotten lately?

I know Max complains about the cold in Summer but these last few nights it has changed and I have been feeling the cold. I think it all started when the two legs decided to change time and said they were going to have an extra hour in bed and since then it has all gone wrong.

Last night I was in my chair as usual having a nap and dreaming of this magnificent mountain of tuna with a little topping of cream right at the peak. It reminded me of those snowy mountains you see in those films that my two legs keep in their television box.

I suddenly woke up and I felt as cold as that snow on the top of the mountain in mt dream - only that wasn't real snow it was cream and that wouldn't have been very cold but I think you understand what I am getting at. I was cold.

So I jumped on the bed and stood on old two legs' chest and asked him for a hot water bottle. Well at that time of day he is not most receptive and he just raised his hands from under the covers and made to stroke me. I have to admit his hands were nice and warm so I let him and then he gently turned me over and I thought OK I'll go with it and he put me on my back cradled in his arm - now that was warm.

I was quite liking this when he lifted the bed clothes and tucked them round me still in his arms. The heat flooded through me. I was about to nod off and go back to my mountain of tuna when I realised I was getting too hot so I had to wriggle free from arms and bed clothes and make my way back to my chair.

After about an hour it was cold again so I made my way back to old two legs and the process started again. I like it under the covers where he and my personal shopper go but I can't stay there very long like they do.

Maybe it's because they don't have my fur coat?

Music To My Ears

Now I am getting to feel a bit left out.

All my friends with Bluebelle are playing instruments - there's James playing drums and cornet, Grace plays piano and violin and recorder and cornet (wow that's a lot) Lucy told me she is starting to play the recorder and the squeeze-box. Even my old two legs has got a guitar that he plays and my personal shopper has got an electronic organ she tinkers with sometimes.

I tell you I felt rather left out. Max has got a little mouse he puts his paw on every so often and it squeaks at him. It's not a real mouse - just a plastic one but Max doesn't know that and Sebastian and me said we wouldn't tell him. Don't want to spoil his fun.

Anyway I was over the field the other day and I popped into this church. It's where the Brass Band plays and they must have been practicing and left their instruments out while they went and had a cup of tea in the interval. Have you noticed how two legs always manage to break things into little sessions which they cn punctuate with a cup of tea. I think it is a weird habit. I tried a bit of old two legs' tea the other day while he was writing something on the computer. It tasted foul - the tea that is - I haven't tasted the computer - yet he is always saying "I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if anyone is making one." Now how he thinks me or Max or Sebastian are going top get up their fill up that tin thing with water, plug it in, switch it on, wait til it steams and then pour it into another pot with a couple of bags in it, then wait a while then pour it into anouther pot with some cow juice in it and then drink it. What's the matter with the tap?

Anyway I was in the church and I saw this thing standing there with a long slider and a big horn. I thought I'd have a try. Well I tried to reach up to it to blow down the tube and the thing toppled over. It toppled into a set of cornets and then into the drums. What a clatter.

The band came running out and chased me out of the church

Think I am better without an instrument.

It's All White

Oh my Goodness me those thieves were back in the night. You remember I told you about the ones who took the pots of flowers where Sebastian and I used to hide so we could jump out and frighten any passing dogs. Well this time I got up and went to go for my tour of the estate and it wasn't there! They had come and taken all the green grass and all that was left was the white stuff underneath it.

I shouted out to Max and he came to look and then went back to bed. He said white light was not good for his "condition" and he preferred not to look at it.

Sebastian strolled over and said something about it all being a bad dream and went back to his bed and curled up. I couldn't just let it happen. I had to go and investigate on behalf of my personal shopper. She would be so upset to come and find her whole back garden had been taken away. I quickly had a look out the front window and they had taken the front garden too and the road by the look of it. This was looking a serious matter. I wondered about leaving it to the police but I knew I could get a head start and pick up a scent. I am like a blood-hound you know. I have the sense of smell that is completely unrivalled in the two legs world.

I jumped through the window - oh no not with super-feline powers or anything. The window was open so technically I jumped through the space where the window had been. I don't want any of you trying to do this at home and try jumping through closed windows. Us felines have had centuries of training and practice so please don't try that at home.

I landed outside and put my nose to the white stuff to pick up the scent of the robbers. My nose went through and I smelled grass beneath. They hadn't robbed us at all they had sprinkled all this cold white stuff everywhere. All the little two legs started running about and crying with laughter and throwing the white stuff at each other.

Good job I didn't alert the police.

Show Time

Hey my two legs have been put and about something rotten just lately. I here them all the time saying stuff like

"Shall we go to the theatre?" or "Shall we go to the restaurant?" or "There's a good comedian on in town - shall we go?"

Now far be it for anyone to say I am a party-pooper but I think all this gadding about and enjoying themselves tends to leave me and Max and Sebastian on our own too much. The other night they decided to off out for a meal and theatre and Max and I said "That's enough"

We decided to put on our own cabaret and invite in a  few of the neighbourhood friends of ours. Now I have explained before we have no cat door like some of the other cats (I think my two legs are too idle to cut a hole in the door to be honest with you). We have worked a way to open the window now and it is easy to get people in and out that way. It is also fun when they come home and turn to each other and say "Fancy leaving the window open I thought you were looking after that!"

Well we had a few of our friends in and we put on a series of acts. Max did a very passable dance routine in which he stumbled about a bit but it raised a laugh - I don't think he meant it too. Sebastian did a trick to see how many biscuits he could swallow in one go. We lost count when he got to 28 in his mouth. Bluebelle (that's my sister) did a very nice rendition of I'm For Ever Blowing Bubbles - she has a lovely voice and sings acapela when her junior personal shoppers aren't there to accompany her. Louis did a vanishing act which was very skillful.

I might tell you another joke from my act another day but I can't let all my material out or the act will fall flat

A Thousand Apologies

I am so sorry. It had never occurred to me before but I stand before you most days naked. How embarrassing that must be for you not to mention for me - even though I didn't know at the time. I am disappointed none of you mentioned it to me but that's life.

There I was laying down having my afternoon nap when bedlam broke out with the two legs.

"What can I wear tonight?" she asked in a  plaintiff voice.

"Oh anything dear. You know you look good in anything!"

Now I know when he says that he really means he hasn't got a clue and probably cares even less, but I understand it is good psychology.

"I haven't got a thing to wear!" she cried and then it hit me.

"I haven't got a thing to wear!" well of course I haven't Even if I had I wouldn't have anywhere to put them.

"Well then you'll just have to go naked with all you bits on show!" he answered with a slight jokiness in his voice.

My Goodness "naked" - that's exactly how I have to go out every day and how I address you folks. "Having my bits on show" well I mean that is beyond the pale!

I am so sorry if I have offended your sensibilities with my nakedness. I shall get my personal shoppers to remedy the situation as soon as possible

Angel's Off To The Seaside

Hey do you remember me telling you about Angel the person my two legs met when he was at the seaside and how they found Patrick the Starfish and how my mate Sidney Seagull gave me all the details about what was happening. Well I hear that Angel is a dancer. In fact I have been learning some moves as you can see so that I can dance with her when I meet her.

Anyway she is off to the seaside again soon but this time she isn't going to go looking in the sea. She's going dancing in that big tower place up North. I don't know how far it is but Max said it is way past Tesco and it takes days to walk there without walking back.

I think she is gong to be very tired if she is walking all that way and then dancing and then coming back with all those trophies. Oh yes she wins trophies for her dancing.

My two legs said that before long she will come and live in his television box with all those other dancers that come out on a Saturday night and the four two legs sitting at their desk say all sorts of things about them. Max said they are judges but he was being silly - I knew they weren't judges because they weren't wearing those wig things and those gowns.

That dance I am doing is a South American Puddle Jump I think it's worth SEVEN!!

Bird Brain

I've been so busy looking after my patients that I quite forgot about my morning chats with the wildlife. I have been neglectful (is that a word - if not I have just invented a word. How cool is that!) I shall have to tell Max because he thinks inventors are clever so he will think I am clever.

Anyway I nipped out early this morning to have a check on the estate and make sure my mate Lucy was OK - she's walking well now and seems fine - clever little soldier she is. I still keep thinking of her falling off that rocket you know. It could have been a real CAT-astrophe! Hey that was clever wasn't it?

Anyway there I was touring the estate and it had a bit of an Autumnal chill to the early morning so I ventured back indoors.

"Cor shut that door, mate. There's a wicked draft blows through here you know"; this little voice piped up at me making me start at first. I looked around and there sitting on the floor was Sidney Sparrow.

"Where have you been Sid?" I asked "and how did you get in?"

"You left the door open. I just got back from a trip overseas and it was so warm over there now I come back to this chill. Mind if I come in and warm up before I go off?"

"Course not Sid. Would you like some tuna and cream? I got some in the kitchen."

"No ta. Best not go in the kitchen. You now what those humanoids are like when I have a little accident indoors"

I nodded sagely not having the first idea what"humanoids" were, but there are times when you don't show your ignorance and just go along with what is said. Max told me that too.

"So where exactly were you overseas Sid?"

"Ermm some way away actually."

"Really did you go up beyond Tesco then?"

"Almost" answered Sis. "We went to the other side of the pond down the road"

I was aghast. I go further than that most nights!

"So you're more of a home bird then Sid?" I said with a twinkle.

Another Patient

Would you believe it. it never rains but it pours. I have told you how I have been nursing my two legs after he had that bad arm from where the needle went in him. Now I have another patient.

My little mate Lucy. She lives with my sister Bluebelle and she (Lucy that is) had a fall from a rocket. I think she was training to be the first mini two legs in space and she fell off. Good job she wasn't in orbit or she might have fallen into one of those black holes and gone on falling for ever and ever. Max told me all about black holes one night when we were chilling. I know some hip phrases don't I?

Anyway Lucy fell off this rocket and couldn't walk. She had to go to that hospital place - it's like a vets for two legs. They looked at her legs and checked they were still there and concluded she still had two legs so all was well. Unfortunately Lucy still couldn't walk and my sister Bluebelle is a bit on the small side so I volunteered to let Lucy ride on my back so she could rest her leg.

She is back walking a little bit now so I only have to carry her when she wants to go to the shops past Tesco or when she is on her way to school.

I am such a good Samaritan you know!

Am I Tired

Leave me alone today I need to catch up on my sleep.

What a night last night was! Old two legs went off to see his doctor person to have an injection in his arm. I think it is like the one they take me and Max and Sebastian to the vets for. It is so we don't get worms and things. I guess he is afraid of getting them too - I don't really understand it all particularly when they eat those bowls of worms covered in that meaty sauce. I don't like the worms but the sauce is yummy if they leave any in their bowls. She calls it Spag Ball I call it yummy!

Anyway he came back after the injection with stories of his bravery and how he hadn't flinched when they put this massive needle into him. and how the nurse thought he was so brave he deserved a medal.

I said where's my medal. I have the injection in my bum. He only has it in his arm.

Anyway they went off to bed and I heard him moaning and groaning about how is arm hurt when he laid on it. I went up to see and told him to lay on his back and put his other arm round me. To tell the truth I was a bit cold so i was grateful for the warmth. When he laid on his back he snored and woke himself and me up and then we went through the same ritual.

"My arm hurts when I lay on it!"

"Don't lay on it then!"

"OK Casper thank you"

Lays on back, snores, turns over , wakes up, "My arm hurts when......"

I spent the night helping and advising. I was so pleased when morning came and it was time for him to get up.

I slipped under the covers and told him to leave the curtains drawn.

Wake me up when it's food time!

All I Need is a Drink

Now I know I have told you before about the inconsiderate and unhygienic way two legs go about taking food and drink. They have it together would you believe! Now I know because my Mum taught me that if you have food and drink at the same time it all swells up inside you and you go bang. I don't know how the two legs manage not to explode everywhere because they are always drinking and eating at the same time - they must have weird metabolisms - well to be honest that's what Max says. I am not sure what a metabolism is!

Anyway I persuaded them to leave my water away from my food and Max and Sebastian have come to thank me for this. No more the danger of exploding cats in this household.

Now along with the need for separation of food and drink I have discovered over time many different drinking vessels some of which hold surprises within. Some surprises are nice surprises and some are not - like the one marked "vinegar" How anyone could drink that stuff I do not know. My two legs even put it on their fish and chips! What a way to ruin the perfectly good taste of fish. It is amazing how these two legs have evolved to the stage they have considering their very primative behaviours.

Well the male two legs always takes a drink to bed with him in case he wakes up thirsty in the night. He usually keeps it in his bedside cabinet. Max told me this is because he (Max) used to creep up in the night and have a sip. All was well until one night Max knocked the glass over onto the bed causing two legs to rise in a hurry believing at first that he had had an accident in bed!!

Well last night he left the glass out (that's two legs not Max) and in the night I went for a sip. SIlly two legs had drunk most of the water and I got my head stuck in the glass trying to reach the bit at the bottom.

As usual it was all deemed to be my fault!

Being Where I Shouldn't Be

Last night I had a very bad experience.

You see I slipped out the back door for what I thought was going to be a quick stroll round the garden and I met some old friends (well they aren't old as such - just that I have known them for some time) We wandered around a bit and we were having the odd bit of catnip. I know that will shock some of you readers, but I am partial to catnip and the vets say it doesn't do any harm if taken in moderation. Well mine said that when I threatened to scratch her if she didn't.

Well you know what it's like a heady night, the catnip dulling your senses, good company. Time drifted by and before I knew where I was I didn't know where I was! It came time to go our separate ways and I wandered off towards home and arrived at the back door. Normal procedure is to wait there until they see the Personal Detector Light come on and then they let me in. To my surprise the two legs had installed a cat flap for me and I just let myself in. It was nice to be in out of the chill of the night and I thought I ought to have a pee before I settled down for the night. In their hurry to install the cat flap they had obviously moved my litter tray and forgotten to replace it. I was miffed.

I was about to go outside again when a big ugly moggy came round the corner.

"What are you doing in my house?" we both uttered at once.

Slowly realization dawned. I was not in my own home. I had got into someone else's home and was about to spend the night there. Ugly Moggy didn't seem to be overjoyed at my presence and I made for the cat flap. It was a one way device - you could get in but not out!

I was trapped what could I do but scream and hope Ugly Moggy's two legs would come down and let me out.

have you ever been in that situation - I bet my friend Linda in Norfolk has and understands how I felt.

Cookery Smookery

I popped round to see my mate Denzil this morning. Denzil is (sorry was) a cool dude who often comes out on the evening patrol with me. I thought I'd go and pay him a surprise visit while my two legs were cleaning the house.

Now you know I'm not one to complain but why do those cleaners have to make so much noise? As soon as we get off to sleep in the morning on it goes and she's rushing about sticking that sucky thing anywhere and everywhere. I am always a bit concerned about what will get sucked up that pipe but the noise is deafening so Max Sebastian and I agreed that when it goes on, we go out.

They didn't want to go far this morning in case it rained and Max's "condition" was playing him up so I said I'd nip round to Denzil and see if he could get any food for tonight's adventure.

I got to his door and the cat flap was open so I let myself in without making a noise and the sight that greeted me turned my heart to jelly. There was Denzil stood on a stool with a pinny on next to his personal shopper and they were both BAKING. I didn't know what to do so I just took a picture and left the house without saying a word.

Not sure I shall be going out with Denzil any more!

Don't Hang Around

Now Max is always telling me about how nice and warm it is to sleep in two legs wardrobe. He said it is very quiet and peaceful and dark and there are plenty of cloth bits that you can curl up in. Max always tells the story of when he got shut in a wardrobe for 10 hours and didn't realise he had been trapped in there until the two legs came and released him and were all apologetic and gave him loads of treats. I wondered if I could pull the same trick but those two legs tend to remember things and I probably wouldn't have got the treats.

Anyway I found my way into two legs wardrobe the other day and was making a very nice bed among the slippers at the bottom of the wardrobe when Max came along.

"Oi you can't bunk down on my patch. Find your own!"

Max is generally very meek and mild bit when he says go then you don't stop to argue - he can be a strict disciplinarian when he wants to be.

"Where can I go then?" I asked expecting a sympathetic response.

"Use you imagination. How do you think I found this place. I roamed about looked around and thought I could use this if I make a few changes"

I knew that was all from Max so I looked around and I saw all these coat hangars with soft trousers hanging on them. I climbed up a velvet jacket and crawled gently in between the hangars. It was perfect. I snuggled down for a nice rest.

"Oi don't you be being restless in your sleep. I don't want you and all those hangars landing on me!"

I assured Max I would be careful and had a wonderful undisturbed sleep.

Thank you for making hangars hang.

Its A Wrap

Now the two legs in ym house are getting all excited about the C word again. They are making lists of presents they have to buy for other two legs - and me and Max and Sebastian of course - and they are getting dates for when they have to send them to places far away. I think the places over the big sea have their C word on a different date otherwise they would have sunshine when it is supposed to be snowy.

I talked to Max about it but he just said the snow isn't good for his "condition" and he might go to a warmer climate for the Winter this year. Either that or he will get his personal shopper to acquire him some thermal under garments to keep his bits and pieces warm. I pointed out that he - like me - didn't have any but there is no reasoning with Max when he gets an idea in his head.

Anyway I thought I would help the two legs with all their wrapping up and I was doing fine apart form that sticky tape getting stuck to my fur all the time.

Then it happened. I was in a roll of brown paper ready to pounce out on somebody when I heard him say

"Quick seal it up and send him off!"

I tell you I was out of that paper faster than a speeding bullet and I was up on his legs with my claws fully outstretched. He gave such a yelp, I laughed myself silly

Teach him to think that he can send me anywhere. I go where I want to when I want with whom I want to. Let's be quite clear on that one!