Its Not Just Rain That's Wet

I was wandering around the garden in search of some amusement when I heard the female two legs say she was going to water the greenhouse. I thought that was silly myself because the greenhouse never grows but she knows best.

I watched as she went to the tap and turned it on and took the long snake all the way to the greenhouse. She twisted the snake's neck and then I heard water going everywhere in the greenhouse. I heard Max squeal and run out. he likes to have a sleep in between the cucumber plants and it gets really warm in there - he likes the warmth.

I was watching the drips come out of the other end of the snake where she had tied it to the tap. She's got a big bucket under the tap to catch the drips and I sometimes go and drink out of it. It's nice and cold the water there - not like the stuff they leave about indoors. That gets all warm and horrible to drink. Anyway I was thinking about a little tipple to slake my thirst when I wondered about what happened to this end of the snake if he wasn't tied to the tap. I gave it a tap and nothing happened. A couple more and still nothing. Then I gave it a big tap swinging on the snake and it all came away from the tap.

It flooded all over the path and over me and I heard a voice from the greenhouse saying "Have you switched the tap off?"

"No!" I thought "But I wish someone would - I'm getting soaked!"

Then he came out and saw me and saw how wet I was. He laughed. Now that is very rude. We cats don't appreciate being laughed at especially when we are in difficulties. I waited until he was near enough and rubbed my wet body all against his legs.

"Oh OK mate I'll dry you." He soothed thinking I was asking for that. I just wanted to let him know how cold wet water feels on your legs.

Still I got a nice rub down with the big fluffy towel and she cuddled me to warm me up. They still think the snake shot off the tap by itself. Don't let on will you.

My Goodness It's Quiet Today

Yesterday I think there was a war. We had loads of people in the house and there was so much noise, Max and Sebastian went to their hideouts under the bed and stayed there all day. they didn't invite me so I got caught in the middle of the war zone. There were little two legs and big two legs everywhere. I went to the garage and tried to sleep in the back of the lawn mower but they were there too.

Never mind they were really nice two legs and they said nice things about me and I did pop in to see what they were doing from time to time. None of them gave me any of their food or drink which I thought was a bit mean and stingy.

They also had this big tent thing in the garden and it was great for climbing up. All the sides were netty and you could see through it and I chased loads of bees and flies up it.

None of my feathered mates were invited and Percy told me this morning there was no room for them to land anyway so they would have had to dive bomb the tent.

I was so tired after all the excitement I went to sleep and the lady two leg said I looked like the tiger skin rug she had always wanted. I'm keeping a close watch on my skin just in case

I'm A Hero

We were all sitting round the lounge the other night. The male two legs gets these little two leg men in and puts them in that box in the corner and gives them a ball to play with and they run around kicking it. Everyone then sits round their glass box and watches them and shouts and boos. I know it's silly but they seem to like it. I heard the two leg telling someone else that some of the little men get more than £10 a week - that's more than all my food - just for playing with that ball for about 90 minutes. Maybe I should have been born a miniature two legs.

Anyway we were watching them run about and all of a sudden the lady two leg screamed out and made me and Sebastian jump. I thought I had missed a little two leg put the ball in that onion bag thing but she was staring at the curtains absolutely riveted. The male two leg got up and said he was getting the cleaner - funny time for that I thought. I looked at the curtain and there was this giant 8 legged alien there all black and hairy. I asked Sebastian and he mumbled about spiders and went upstairs to go to sleep.

I jumped up and ran up the climbing frame to get to it. Boy could that thing run. The lady two leg was screaming all the more.The alien ran up the curtain and I followed it and caught one of its legs. It came off in my mouth - hairy but soft, I swallowed it. It could still run fast with 7 legs and it made for the floor but I was on it in a flash and set about eating it. It tasted OK.

The male two leg arrived with the cleaner aimed liked a gun and asked her where the spider was.

"Casper caught it and disposed of it" she said with pride in her voice.

They gave me extra treats and cuddles all through the rest of the little two leg playing. Incidentally they didn't take any notice of the alien which was twice as big as them! Maybe they are worth their £10 for bravery.

I'm running on hero worship at the moment!

Meet Derek & Daisy

It had been so wet and everywhere was puddles. I was out in the garden helping Percy find worms. I went to the patio mat and was nosing under it where there were four beautiful wriggling long worms. I ran over to Percy to tell him but he had enough where he was pecking away and just said

"Good lad, you eat them up" and carried on pecking. He can be very off hand at times.

I looked around the garden. Max and Seb were still asleep, and then I spotted Derek and Daisy Dove on top of the bird table. The very bird table Percy tried to teach me to fly from. They were ccoing to each other and doing all that silly kissing and cuddling stuff.

"Want some nice juicy worms you two?" I called up to them.

Derek broke off mid-kiss and squawked down a Yes

"Over by the door under the mat there's four lovely ones"

"Don't be daft. We don't go near the house and how could we get under a mat?" he turned back to resume his cuddling with Daisy.

"They are all asleep in the house and I can lift the mat for you. I'm strong"

"Go and bring them here and we'll have them here" Daisy was very gently spoken but very forceful in what we said.

I've never carried worms before but I didn't want to let her down.

I got them out one by one and took them over to the bird table. Aren't worms funny things in your mouth? They wriggle about and go into all sorts of funny shapes.

As I brought them over Derek fluttered down and picked them up and took them up to daisy and they shared them. I thought it must be nice to have a girlfriend you can share worms with. I might go looking for one this week.

Hi Sis How Are You?

Just need to use this space to say a special hello to my little sister Bluebell.

Her two legs took her to those vet people to have an operation like they are going to do to me. Only being as she is a girl it's all a bit more complicated (so Sebastian told me the other day when we were lazing in the setting evening sun on the patio). I said to Sebastian we should be able to get the two legs to bring our meals out there when it's nice and warm, but he went to sleep mid sentence.

Anyway Bluebell had her operation the other day and now they have but a lampshade on her head - reminded me of what they tried to do to Max all that time ago. So she can't come out to play for a while - I miss seeing her.

Get well soon little sister

What A Week!

I haven't had a chance to see my tail this week. Seems the male two leg had a birthday and they have had other two legs in and been going out and I just haven't known where I was.

It seemed to be a bit of a special birthday and when I saw the cards I realised why - he was 9 years old. I mean that's pretty old isn't it. Anyway Max got all uppitty when I said that and said he was 10 years old and the two leg had been around since before then. He looked at the cards and said I was reading it upside down and he was actually 60! I told Max not to be such a plonker - I learned that word on a TV show the other week and I like it - Max didn't like it and hit me round the head.

I mean ahve you ever seen a 60 year old cat? Ridiculous isn't it so how could a two leg be 60. Anyhow it's all got a bit quieter now so I decided to have a bit of a rest. See you soon

Betty & Bertie Introduced Themselves

I was staking out the flutterbies in the lavender bush this morning - always careful now not to disturb the bees when this shrill voice disturbed my hunt.

"What are you doing here? and where's Sebastian got to?"

I looked round and there was this rather upright brown bird addressing me.

"I'm Casper and Seb is indoors asleep. More to the point - who are you?" I demanded in my fiercest voice.

"Don't be rude. I'm Betty the blackbird"

"How can you be a blackbird when you're brown?" I had heard the two legs always question everything they are told so I knew I was on the right track here.

"Ignorant little thing - female blackbirds are brown. Only the males are black. My husband will be along shortly and he is very black and very short tempered with silly things that ask nonsense questions."

True to her word there was a flutter on the fence. The bees stirred for a moment., looked up and seeing it was someone they knew carried on about their business in the lavender flowers.

"Sebastian's asleep Bertie and this thing thinks it's Casper. Not got much of a brain though. Can you call Sebastian - I think this might be an interloper">

The male bird gave a high pitched shrieking sound and in a flash Sebastian was out, shaking and stretching in one go.

"Hello Bertie, Betty how's things? Did you have a good time away? Any kids with you?"

Sebastian knows everyone and knows all their family business - I think he's a bit of a smoocher really but they all seem to like him.

"Very good thanks old man. How's sleepy head? And what's this doing here?" Bertie asked

"Max is in his usual place under the duvet fast asleep. This? Well they got this a few months back. He's a slow learner but we're getting there. Max and I put the hours in with him. Percy has had a couple of sessions with him too!"

With that they all laughed and Seb went back to his bed while the married couple picked up a couple of worms and flew off without a by your leave.

Odd folks come in this garden you know.

Why Is Rain Wet?

I looked out the window today and everywhere looked shiny. As soon as the two leg open the doors I shot out as customary and made for the fence. My feet skidded on the grass and I landed sideways on my bottom - undignified or what? I tried getting up and I was still slipping but I didn't make a fuss. I'm a big boy now you know.

I got to the fence and jumped it as usual. Someone had made that rail at the top even extra skiddy and I wobbled and nearly fell.

It was only when I got settled that I realised all my coat was wet. I settled down to lick it dry but as I did, it got even wetter as more of that stuff fell out of the sky.

I looked about and Max and Sebastian were sitting inside looking out the open door. I called to them to join me but they shook their heads.

Next time I am going to ask for some dry rain - I don't like getting wetted

Isn't The Sky High

I was doing a bit of exercise this morning and I got up my fence and was looking at the two legs in the garden next door. He was cutting his grass and the two legs have told me never to go near that thing that makes all the noise in case it cut my leg off. Same as the one she uses indoors to suck all my toys up the spout. If I go near that I might get sucked up the spout and come out like a piece of spaghetti.

Anyway I was minding my own business looking at this two leg when he saw me and made a shooing noise. I wasn't going to go to toilet on his beans anyway. I'd just been on some rhubarb so there was no need for him to be rude to me.

I thought I'd nip up the other neighbours fence and see if I could acquire one of those leaf things that fall into my garden every so often and we chase round. well, I chase and two legs stands there wheeling it in a circle looking all smug with himself.

So I jumped over to the fence in question and leapt into the tree. Now the tree was some way from the fence but I'm quite agile. I got there and then realised there wasn't much even ground in the tree to hang onto. I climbed up a bit and that's when I thought I could touch the sky. I kept climbing and the sky kept moving away.

My two legs came out and was shouting at me to get down but I pretended I couldn't hear him. Then I got to the leaves and I tried to pull a couple off but they must have been glued on. So I had to come down empty handed and jump into two legs arms to get out of the tree - I felt a bit stupid doing that, but he seemed pleased.

Do you know what type of tree it is other than a tall one?

Cat Food Makers are Naff

Hey does anyone know where my personal shoppers can get some decent cat food?

I told you about those people at Sheba who don't cater for us youngsters. Well here's a thing. Since I have been getting out and about I've tasted some different things, but the personal shoppers say you can't get them in my kitten food flavours.

I was out the other day and I saw those white flutterbies and I leapt up to catch one and landed in the lavender bush where all those honey bees are. I didn't fall for old Percy's yarn about them tasting of honey this time but I did catch the flutterby. It tasted really nice; all sort of light and flaky with a bit of meatiness in the middle. I caught a couple but it hardly fills a growing lad like me.

"They don't make that flavour" came the reply when I asked my shoppers to get me some.

Then I was out and found some little ants scurrying about. Now if you bite into them quick they taste really nice - kind of salty and sharp. Mind if you aren't quick they actually bite the inside of your mouth and that's not too nice. Again when Ia sked for that they said....

"They don't make that flavour"

I can see I am going to have to write off to the big wigs at Felix or somewhere to get this sorted. Just thought I'd see if you guys have more professional personal shoppers than mine.

Got to go - just saw an earwig on the patio - haven't tasted one of they yet.

Winnie the Wagtail

I was having a quiet siesta in the nice sunshine when Max and Seb came rushing out - well rushing for them all happy and shouting.

"Hi Winnie. You're back then. How was it? Did the little ones make it?"

I looked around the garden and there was this little black and white bird strolling about bobbing her head and tail with every stride. I leapt down to investigate and she fluttered up onto the fence.

"Leave her alone!" Sebastian commanded me. "Winnie's our special wagtail friend"

"It's OK Winnie. They got this daft thing while you were away. He's crazy but harmless enough. They call him Casper but we have other names for him!" He and Max laughed their silly conspiratorial laugh and Winnie fluttered back down.

"Did you see the football while you were there?" asked Max peering over a dandelion at Winnie.

"Oh yes. Everyone was there and the colours were so bright and lovely. The kids didn't want to come back. Wilfred met a warthog and loved riding on his back. He was so sad when Is aid we had to fly home. Wanda loved this zebra and has stayed out there with him. Well, when she got on his back you couldn't see her for his stripes. he said he'd look after her until we go back later in the year."

I asked Max where they were talking about and he said Winnie goes to South Africa when it gets cold here. I asked Max where that was and he said it was up the road passed Tesco's so it's a pretty long way. He's going to explain warthogs and zebras another day.

Winnie tottered her way over to me and told me never to chase her or her children. Before I could say anything she pecked me on the nose.

It's sore now

Max Is Cool

Hey there

I was out in the garden today and I've real;ly mastered climbing fences. I can be up and along the narrow balance beam before the two legs can catch me and lift me down.

I told you I went beyond the end of the world the other day; well today I got into a spot of bother. I went along the rail as usual and then I got to another garden. It was really weird - no grass and a big hole of water in one corner. Then I saw something glint in the water and again. It was fishes. I thought of my rumbling belly and eased my way down and edged nearer the water to see what it was. They were all orange coloured and I don't think they would have tasted as nice as those ones the lady two legs cooks. That's when I realised my difficulty. I was somewhere strange with those high fences all round me and didn't know which one to go up. I sort of whimpered to let someone know where I was and I could hear the male two legs way in the distance calling me. He didn't hear my whimpers.

Just then I heard a noise on the fence and Max came into view.

"Oi dopey, get up here and follow me!"

I did and he led me back to my home. He's OK is Max.

I've Gone Beyond the End of The World

Hey what do you think!

today I was out and about chasing butterflies and enjoying life when I saw Max go over the fence and out into the place beyond the end of the world.

I waited until the two legs were busy fiddling with their flowers and I leapt up onto the bird bath (I got a very damp under-carriage, but us adventurers have to make sacrifices). I was up on the fence and made a bolt for it. I heard the two legs calling for me to come back but I ran. I nearly fell off the fence a couple of times because it is very narrow and there's all sorts of bits sticking up out of it.

In no time I was outside their world and into a place of ponds and all sorts of strange plants and stuff. I went on for a while and then - to tell the truth - I got a bit frightened. I turned round and came back along the fence. I heard the female two legs still calling and rattling my biscuits. When I came into view I was scolded again. Isn't it silly, they tell you off when you come back!

I was a bit worried about getting down from that fence, but she lifted me down so all's well that ends well. Apart from my swing.

Well I had been adventuring so I thought I deserved some relaxation. She's got these hanging things in the garden with all flowers and bits coming out of them. Anyway they hang off this metal tree thing and are a lovely height. So I had a run up and leapt onto one of these baskets and clung there. it rocks back and forth and is really cool.

When she saw me she nearly exploded. I got sent indoors and told Seb about my journey but he fell asleep.

Hope you didn't.

Lights, Camera Action - I'm A Star

I was watching one of those animal adventure programmes on TV the other night. The two legs had been watching football and shouting and screaming all over the place and I just lay back and enjoyed the peace and tranquility of the adventure.

It set me thinking about why I didn't have more adventures, so I resolved to do something about it. It was Sunday morning and the usual domestic hush fell as they went about their business - cooking, cleaning, ironing and reading newspapers. I set off on my adventure.

I had planned it very well and knew where the difficult bits would be. The first was the need to balance on the bowl and leap across, grab the hanging bit in my mouth and land without splitting or tearing it. I climbed up on the seat - thoughtfully the two legs had left the seat down - I didn't want to add the complication of a balancing act across that chasm of water.

I leapt, grabbed the hanging piece of toilet paper and made a rush for the stairs with it intact. The paper unravelled nicely and I managed to get to the second stair before I lost my grip and had to let go. I was pleased with myself.

When the two legs saw it there was the usual hysterical shouting but they did actually then start to laugh and he said I was like the Andrex puppy - what a cheek that was - i'm a cat 100%. I watched him re-roll all the paper and he was still chuckling.

Can't wait to do that one again.

See you soon

Two Legs Can Blog Too

Hey hope you don't mind but the male two legs was telling me this story the other morning and I thought I'd tell you, then I thought he can tell you so I have given him my space today. I know he isn't as good as me and he certainly isn't as funny but I thought I deserved a break and he's the best I can do.

Here he is

This is a tale of a few years ago before Casper arrived on the scene

Now would be a good time to invite insomniacs to join in the reading and they will find a quick cure to their complaint.

On the day in question, I returned home still rather miffed about the disaster that was the football match the previous evening. I strode into the garden to take the air - my wife had just had her hair coloured and cut and titivated in many ways. I was in the dog house for not noticing but nothing unusual there.

We were enjoying what is called a balmy Summer and as a result the doors were open and a limpid breeze ran through the house.

I stood in the garden admiring Mother Nature's handiwork - I mused at the tireless work of the honey bee as it moved effortlessly from flower to flower transporting pollen and adding to the miracle that is life in a country garden.

There was an almighty scratching at my neighbour's fence and a head appeared above it. It was Max and he had a captive member of Mother Nature's family in his mouth. I called to him not to enter the conservatory with his hostage - he went into the conservatory. I explained to him that under no account was he to go in the kitchen with the hostage - he leapt up the step and stood in the kitchen. I followed and implored of him that the lounge was out of bound with live-stock in tow - he moved into the lounge. Again I followed and was quite adamant that if he ventured upstairs with the gift he would not see the light of another dawn - he went upstairs. It was at this point, as I heaved my weary body up the stairs that I realised that his hostage was in fact a bird; the flapping of wings indicated both that Max was as tired as I after climbing the stairs and secondly that his hostage was still alive.

I reached the summit of the stairs and momentarily shared the same elation that Hilary must have felt as he set foot on the peak of Everest - not the double glazing people - the mountain! Sebastian was there - I implored of him to go and entice his brother to leave the house. He looked at me, looked at Max, yawned and went back to sleep. Suddenly the flapping of wings ceased and Max appeared with the bird back in Max's mouth. As luck would have it he passed my right foot which made contact with his bottom and directed him to the stairs. He made a fast descent. I followed and opened the front door. Reluctantly Max exited with his prize still locked between his jaws.

I shut the door and returned to the lounge window to view. Max lay on the lawn proud of his trophy but looking rather threateningly in my direction. I was glad there was a pane of glass between us (actually two panes since the double glazing!). Max's eyes sparkled with a cunning plan; my mind whirred as I tried to out think my feline foe. Got it! In the same moment Max rose from the lawn and I left the window. I headed for the back door, went through it, locking the cat flap as I did and shutting the door behind me. I picked up the garden hose and turned it on at the stop cock.

The fence echoed again to the scrabbing and Max's head appeared again with the feathered friend between his jaws. I flicked the trigger on the hose like those gunslingers in the ancient black and white films that grace many a Saturday afternoon. The jet of water shot out, hit the fence and rebounded on me. Max smugly leapt down the fence and headed again for the conservatory.

Remembering part of Gordon Ramsay's script from Hell's Kitchen, I pointed out that Max was not pulling his weight as a fully signed up member of the Cook household and had he not visited the vet's at an early age for a very unpleasant operation, I would now be delighting in taking them off for him without anaesthetic.

Max was now at the back door and made a charge for the cat flap. My strategy had paid off; his head bounced off the locked flap and he opened his mouth to protest. The bird - a blue tit I noticed - took that one second to save itself and flew from his mouth straight through the open conservatory door and into the bosom of Mother Nature and into the empty garden next door.

Max looked at me as if I were dirt. He checked the conservatory to make sure his feathered friend was not hiding and curled up and went to sleep. I dried off my soaked clothes and reflected how much easier life would be if I stayed at the office for the late shift.

Don't Go Mountaineering After Dinner

Haven't been too busy here lately coz it's all been a bit quiet. Sebastian was a bit off colour - he said it was the change in weather but I think it was because he ate all the fish my personal shopper got for us to share. I was a bit slow off the mark. I had been having a quiet morning while she cooked it. When she served it up she said it was hot and I tried a bit and burned my mouth. Sebastian said he had asbestos gullet (whatever that is) and he just gulped it all down.

Max came down from his bed to see what it was all about but by the time he got there it had all gone so he said he was going back to bed and I was on my own with Seb again. Seb gave a big belch and then said he felt a bit queasy with the change in weather and thought it best if he had a sleep.

I decided to go mountaineering for a change. The two legs pull these pieces of cloth over the sun when they want to be in the dark and I have to be in the dark with them. They are funny creatures because they pull this material over the sun and make it dark and then bring a big bright sun into the house by flicking a switch.

Anyway I went mountaineering like I said and climbed up this material to the narrow walkway at the top. I was walking across it for the second time when there was this funny crumbling noise and it all collapsed leaving me in a heap on the floor.

Last time it was just the material that ripped but this time the whole lot collapsed but I'm alright I didn't damage myself but the material doesn't hang there any more. They shouted at me and called me all sorts of names and then said I couldn't have any more fish. I couldn't tell them I hadn't had any in the first place and that Sebastian had had it all.

Anyway as usual I'm in trouble.

I'm Being Stalked

No it's not a joke. Everywhere I go this cat follows me around. It's getting on my nerves a bit he's everywhere I am.

I went in the bedroom to have a rest and that comfortable duvet thing and as I walked in there he was. I don't know where he came from. He just appears by me.

I laid down and so did he. I went to wash my ears and so did he. I looked away and had a quick peep back and there he was looking at me. I tried to scare him off by hitting him with my paw but he just blocked it as if he were trying to do the same.

When I growl at him he opens his mouth and does the same. When I arch my back at him so does he. I thought it was Max playing games with me at first but then I saw him go over the fence at the end of the world and I nipped upstairs and my stalker was there again.

I am going to have to have a word with someone about it soon or I shall start to get a complex. If you see him at all can you ask him not to follow me.

I did get a picture of him the other day....

Percy, Me & The Bee

I was out having my exercises today, chasing a leaf around the garden when I leapt for a butterfly and nearly landed on Percy. He was pecking away furiously just under the acer tree and I didn't see him.

"Steady on young un" he chastised, "you could have squashed me with those leaps"

I apologised and asked him what the attraction was under the tree. I had never seen him so feverishly pecking before.

"Tis the honey bee season"

"What's so special about them then?" I asked

"Come on laddie; surely you know what honey tastes like. All sweet and sticky. Runs down my beak a treat and soothes the old vocal chords so I can make my calls much louder and easier"

"But I don't coo like you. I just purr and sometimes meow."

"Yes, yes. I'm not stupid but think of the strain when you purr for them and the throat ache you get meowing."

"True. So what do we do?"

"You just lay in wait for one and then you pounce on him and chew a bit and swallow and you feel all that lovely honey running down your throat. That's why they are called honey bees"

I did as Percy said. very soon a nice looking bee came and settled on the grass under the tree just close to us. I looked at Percy. I didn't want to offend him by taking his bee, but Percy is a gentleman. He shook his head and ushered me to take the bee.

I pounced on it. Got it in my mouth and it stung me and made me squeal. I opened my mouth and the bee flew out but my mouth was on fire. I felt my tongue swelling.

Percy flew off, squawking with delight.

I wasn't happy