The Return of Casper

Greetings my fans - bet you all wondered where I was. I have heard one or two people asking old two legs what had happened to me so I persuaded him to get a new computer thing and let me start writing again and here I am

Well I guess the first thing to tell you is that there is now only me and Max. It was kind of sad. Sebastian left us last year. He was sick and he called me to him and asked me to take care of Max when he had gone. I asked him where he was going and he just said away. True to his word a couple of days later the 2 legs went off with him and came back all crying and stuff and there was no Sebastian. I asked Max about it and he just said something happens and I left it at that.

Anyway I am now the Boss and I look after Max. First thing I did was to try and find out about his "condition" but no-one talks about it. I reckon it is something in his past that they are all ashamed of but then again I don't really know.

Now there was a major upset last year shortly after Sebastian went. I went off to do some exploring one afternoon and I found this comfy looking garage down the road. I popped in as there was no-one about and found a nice old blanket in the corner and snuggled down for a siesta. When I woke up it was all dark and getting chilly. I went to go out and pop home for some tuna and cream but the door was locked! There were no windows in the place and just some dirty old mowers and tools. I was a bit scared I don't mind admitting to you. I was there for 5 whole days and nights and then a two leg appeared and I made a dash and headed homeward.

When I got there the door was closed and I stood at the patio door and called to them. Well you've never seen anything like it there was crying and dashing about and hugging and kissing me - that kind of stuff is a bit naff for us alpha male cats you know. Anyway I got all sorts of treats and they gave me a lovely rub down with some nice smelling stuff as they said I stank of oil.

Max told me they had been frantic and sort I had got kittynapped. They apparently went house to house looking for me and put up posters and even wrote about me on their computer. I felt very important and they were so good to me for a while after that. Max told me not to go off again without telling him as he had been awake for about half an hour one night wondering where I was.

We've got several new cats in the area now. There's a foxy little cat called Ella just over the fence from us and she and I are thinking about getting together. Only thing is I haven't told her yet about the two legs taking me to the vets to have my bits taken away. I hope Ella won't mind about that.

Then there's Toby. He thought he was an alpha male until I met him. He tried to take over our patch and Max said it was OK but I said no way and have had to fight for our rights. The two legs get all agitated when Toby and me have a stand-off but then they get agitated about everything!

Right I am finished now and will bring you up to date with other things later - my tuna and cream is waiting and all this typing makes my paws sore. If you know a remedy for sore paws tell two legs and he will get it for me.

Birthday Blues

Now today is my birthday and it should be a special day. Well it is also the birthday of my sister Bluebelle - she lives next door to me - and my brother Monty - he lives way down the road from me almost as far away as Tesco's. Now on my birthday you would expect everything to be going good for me wouldn't you. Well it isn't.

Now first of all I got my presents - that was cool. Bluebelle sent me some nice food things. I think she actually must have got her personal shopper to get them for her cos they were all wrapped up neatly; now Bluebelle is very artistic but she can't do things up as well as her personal shopper does because she hasn't got thumbs. I mean Bluebelle hasn't got thumbs - her personal shopper has got them OK.

Well I had just finished inspecting the presents and I turned round to play with the wrapping and there was Max curled up inside it. I told him to shove off but he wouldn't budge. As you know I am fairly good tempered so I let him stay there and vowed to get him as soon as he moved out!

I was settled down to sentry duty when the doorbell rang. I thought that would be my mate Terry the postman with some more presents for me but no. My two legs had only gone and invited some of their two leg friends over and they hadn't brought me a present, so I raced upstairs and promptly forgot all about getting revenge on Max for sitting in my birthday paper.

No sooner had these two legs gone than the doorbell rang again and this new two legs appeared. I heard him say he had come to gas us all! I quickly went about to summons Max and Sebastian and tell them the fate that was about to befall us. Sebastian raised an eye peered through the curtains and laid back down for sleep.

"He's not come to gas us dopey. He's the gas man. He comes every year and pokes about with things and says yes that's all working well and off he goes."

By now I was far too uptight to sleep and no-one seemed to be coming to see me so I thought to myself I am off to write to my thousands and thousands of loyal fans so here I am

Don't Hang Around Here For Long

Now I've told you how I like a nice snooze in that warm dark wardrobe of theirs and so does Max. In fact Max is so apt to nipping in for a nap whenever they open the door I have known him to be shut in for several hours until they released him

Well this week were we saved from a Hellish torture. I was having a wander through the linen basket trying to find a nice clean sheet or something to curl up in. You see it had been a particularly wet night and I had got rather wet and muddy when I toured the estate first thing. In those circumstances one simply has to find something cool and crisp and clean to lay on to clean oneself up. I imagine you do the same on those occasions.

I heard Max say he was off for a quick bite to eat as he had heard two legs saying he was about to repair the wardrobe doors. Now whenever two legs mentions repairing we all take cover. That inevitably means that whatever was intermittently working will from now on give up any semblance of functionality. it also means two legs and my female personal shopper will be arguing and shouting ate ach other about how the thing stopped working and everything else.

Back to this particular morning, Max passed me on his way out of the new wardrobe. For ages now the sliding door had been jammed open by a few inches. Enough for me and Max to slip in and find some nice quiet shut eye time. Now the failure to close properly was going to be "repaired". I was feeling a bit low that morning - I guess it was a mixture of the constant cold weather and a little too much of the cream trifle I had found on the worktop the night before. I needed something to cheer me up so I settled in a corner of the room where the reparations were to take place.

Two legs came armed with ladders, screwdrivers, searchlight, funny looking L shaped keys, glasses and pliers. I felt sure there were going to be problems as he had not got his favourite tool - the hammer!

After a little while and a lot of gruffing and panting there was a clunk and the doors miraculously closed. It was like one of those surreal moments when everything stood still and then his voice called out.

"Done it dear, come and have a look"

Now why anyone would want to come and have a look at a pair of closed doors I do not know. Nonetheless I heard footsteps on the stairs.

"Very nice" she said reaching over to open them, "Why don't they open any more?"

I knew it! The repair wouldn't be complete without a catastrophe. Then I thought. Was Max inside there? How lucky I was that I wasn't.

There was more gruffing and climbing of ladders. The searchlight went on and off like a lighthouse.

"Damn! Can't shift them at all!" he pronounced. "Think we need to get a man in"

Now that is always the sign that defeat has finally been acknowledged. It also means the job will not be complete for several weeks. There will be endless discussion about why external support is needed. There will be further discussion about who should be entrusted with the task. Then there will be discussion as to who should ring and make the appointment.

"Always sounds better coming from a  feeble female" was two legs' mantra.

I couldn't be doing with this any more and went in search of Max - I couldn't bear the thought of him starving within the wardrobe. Luckily I found him laid out in front of the fire purring loudly from a full belly of chicken.

As for the wardrobe doors they remain firmly shut to this day. I am concerned that my half eaten vole that I left on the top of the shirt drawer will still be there when the doors eventually re-open.

Wooops I Missed a Date

I've put my foot in it! Well my paw to be exact. You see no-one told me what day it was today. I didn't know it was Valentine's Day. Yes OK I saw all these male two legs going about with red roses and boxes of chocolates but then they always seem to be doing that and giving them to the female two legs to make them happy.

I should have taken note when I saw my mate Terry the postman delivering lots of those oversize cards with red envelopes and hearts and kisses all over them but still it didn't register.

Then I went to see Mr Grumpy. He's a mate of mine who hasn't long been in the neighbourhood but he is always grumpy. He has one blue eye and one green one and I wondered if that was the reason for his never-ending grumpiness.

He was looking as miserable as ever and as I entered through the cat flap he was in mid conversation with his female two leg personal shopper.

"I would have expected you to make some sort of effort today of all days. You could have woken up with a smile and a purr or you could have kissed me first thing but no there you sat washing your bum on the bed!"

"When my bum's dirty I wash it don't you? Would you rather I drag my bum over the bedclothes like that stupid dog of yours?"

"Not even a sweet purr. Fido was licking me as soon as my eyes were open."

"You think I am going to lick you after he has spat all over your face. besides he was having a good lick of his bots before you woke. the noise he makes woke me up. Anyway you just complained I was licking my bum - did you want that on your face?"

"You are a misery. Typical male!"

"Oh hi, Casper. Didn't see you come in did you shut the flap. There's a terrible draught in here. Wait on I better tell her I did get her a card. It's in the bottom of my litter tray."

That's when I knew I was in for trouble when I got home - I hadn't even left a card in the litter tray. Oh well there's always next year!

Snowy Gone Not Gone

Meet my mate Snowy. Now Snowy is a cat that has a lot of problems and a lot of them are imagined. I know I shouldn't speak ill of others but she tends to always think the worst and expect the worst.

I was out the other day and I met Snowy on the path. that was unusual in itself as Snowy is more of a house cat and doesn't venture out very often. She tends to get confused very easily.

"Where you off to Snowy?"

She looked around and very conspiratorially said "I'm off to see a trick cyclist"

Now that sounded quite interesting so I asked if I could come along with her. I like these dare devil stunt cats and often thought I could have been one if I hadn't started life where I did. Snowy looked a bit startled by that and thought about it.

"I can hold your paw if you get scared" I ventured.

Snowy nodded an agreement and off we went. We got to this house and knocked on the cat flap and were ushered inside by a very prim and proper feline. I thought it a bit odd that there were no other audience members in the room and then this aging cat came in. He's never going to ride a bike up the wall I thought and he sat down an started talking to Snowy.

He asked some rather personal questions and I could see she was about to cry so I moved in to reassure her; then it dawned on me. he wasn't a trick cyclist he was a psychiatrist - she'd got it wrong again!

"Well" she was saying "when all the snow was about and everything was white I felt quite happy then I woke up one morning and it had all gone just like that. Now I'm scare that I will wake up one morning and I will be gone just like the snow."

The psychiatrist was reassuring - that was supposed to be my role - and said that wasn't going t happen but said she was suffering from SAD.

Now Snowy is never the liveliest cat in the street but to call her sad is a bit OTT. Then I heard him say it was a Seasonal Affective Disorder and she should go home and lay in bright light. Now Snowy is a white cat and cannot lay in the sun because she gets sunstroke very easily. I went to explain that to the doctor cat but he said time was up and left the room. The flash female cat came back and ushered us to the cat flap.

I think some cats have strange problems. Glad I'm OK

It's Back

I looked around and there it was gone. A little while later and it was all back again. It's nice when it starts but it gets such a pain when it's been around a while. Snow. Yes that's what I am talking about. First it's here then it goes to slush and ice and then it re-appears. I don't know where I am.

Max won't go out in it in case it affects his "condition" and Sebastian says his belly is low slung so he picks up a load of snow underneath him when he walks. I don't know why they moan it only comes once ina  while and when it does it's just a minor inconvenience. talking of conveniences can you imagine what it's like for our poor paws in this weather when we have to dig our holes to go to the loo. It's cold - that's what it is I can tell you. I watch the two legs put gloves and scarves and thick coats and wellies on before they go out but me? They open the door and kick me out nude and say go and get some fresh air.

The other day I went out just after a fresh snow fall and I got to thinking. When you roll about in it, it's all fluffy and warm and it sticks to your fur then after a while it goes into a matted mess and then it goes wet when you go indoors. If you go back out where you were rolling is now all solid and icy. I am sure if they bottled this stuff they could do wonders with it. maybe then they wouldn't let it come down and go to waste so much.

And maybe then we wouldn't get frozen paws when we go to the loo

You Spin Me Right Round

All this partying the two legs has been doing lately led me to think and you know how good I am when I get thinking.

I went and had a chat with my sister - Bluebelle - and I said how about we have another party. She was a bit sceptical because the last time we did that there was quite a bit of mess and the entry and exit via the bathroom window was quite scary to say the least.

I persuaded her that if we had it at her place we could all come in and out via her cat flap and because it only worked on her collar she could supervise who came in and could ensure there was no mess, It also just happened that her two legs carers were off for a weekend away and my two legs would be feeding her.

I went round the neighbourhood with invites and everyone was up for it and I decided I would be inventive and I got myself one of those DJ decks. I saw it on Amazon and I waited until my old two legs was drifting off to sleep and carefully ordered it on his card and made sure it would be delivered in time for the party. When I get the bit between my teeth there's no stopping me. Even Max said he thought I could have been Prime Minister if I had had two of my legs removed. Bit harsh I thought to go to those extremes to runt he country but someone has to do it.

The night of the party came and I got some records out and started jamming to them - that's one of these Urban cool terms you know - and we were dancing Gangnam style - hey I am so hip I frighten even myself!

Well before you knew it it was time to pack up and take everything back to leave Bluebelle's house as it should be. My two legs kept looking at the DJ mixer desk and asking the female where it had come from. I think they have convinced themselves they are going a bit silly and forgetting what they do.

Play The Game

Now sometimes I think those two legs take things a bit too far. I heard them talking about going bowling the other day and I thought that sounded like fun. I asked Max about it and he looked very frightened and said he had to be off just in case. I asked him in case of what but he was gone before I could finish the question. Now that should have told me something because you know Max is never one to move fast.

I waited around and I heard old two legs on the phone asking to rent an alley for a couple of hours. I started to have my own fears. Now what would a two legs want with an alley for a couple of hours. The only things you find in alleys are cats, bins, and those scantily clad female two legs who do amazing tricks with males when no one is looking. That's the beauty of being a cat - you can watch all that sort of thing and no one bothers about you!

Well I should have gone away there and then but I heard him make more calls to other two legs asking them to be there too and then it began to dawn on me. They were going to bowl in the alley! Now if they were going to bowl in the alley there were only two possible targets - the cats or the scantily clad female two legs. You wouldn't use the bins because they are too big and would make too much noise.

Now I can't say I am a frequent visitor to alleys but I know enough to know that you don't find 10 or so scantily clad female two legs down there but you do easily find 10 or so cats clad scantily or otherwise. These two legs were planning to throw balls at my bretheren! I had to do something to alert the neighbourhood of what was about to happen.

I went outside and started calling as loud as I could to warn everyone.

"Stop that noise at once, Casper or you'll be indoors right now!"

"Yeah and let you bowl over all my friends I should cocoa!"

"Right! That's it you're going in your basket if you can't behave!"

Oh no I knew what that meant they were going to take me with them and use me as the centre pin cat. I would get every ball thrown down aimed at me. I shot indoors and hid under the duvet next to Max. Max winked at me and we kept very quiet.

Off they went for their game and when they came back he was very quiet - apparently he had been beaten. I saw him showing a picture of the ga,e and there were no cats just skittles they were bowling at. Seems my warning had worked and the cats had all gone into hiding.

You have to get up early to outsmart me you know!

Snow Joke

Well it was a funny old night last night. The house was full of two legs who all were partying to celebrate this new year thing. Me and Max spent a bit of time upstairs with a couple of young female two legs but they were a bit boring so we went out to have some fun. Sebastian goes and hides under the bed so he can see what everyone is doing without them knowing he's there. He's quite cool for an old dude really.

So me and max took off to the garage and decided to have some shut eye in the car. He always leaves the window open and we can go in and out at leisure. That's a nice thing to do to look out for us. I am always telling Max that not all two legs are like that but you know Max.

Well all of a sudden there's this noise starts up and the two legs are screaming and snow is falling out of the sky. I woke Max up and we went to look closer. I saw old two legs and his young partner in crime up at the bedroom window with this machine thing that was whirring and sending great clouds of snow out and down onto the path. I didn't know that was how the snow came about. Funny because when it snows hard old two legs always complains about it and yet there he was up there creating snow.

The other two legs came out to see and were screaming about it and a little two legs was playing in it and jumping about. I said we should join in but Max said it would be cold.

Undeterred I went out into it and it wasn't cold at all - just a little bit damp. I played with the flakes and caught some and let some settle on me and went back to show Max - he wasn't impressed. I raced bcck upstairs and under the bed to tell Sebastian - he wasn't impressed.

I went back down to the garage to go back to sleep in the car. By this time the snow had stopped and the two legs were back at their party games. max had moved over and taken my driver's seat in the car. I wasn't impressed!

Cappy New Year

Now I am sorry if my typing is a bit slurred but I had to come on to wish you all a Happy New Year. The problem is I don't know when the right time to do it is. You see the Australian told me it was already tomorrow where she lives but it is only yesterday elsewhere so if I say Happy New Year now some of you will think I am very late in sending my greetings and others of you will think I am very early. Hopefully some of you will say that Casper is bang on time.

Talking of bang I think my belly is going to explode any minute. I had all that turkey over Christmas than old two legs says "I'm fed up with turkey - give it to Casper!"

"Cheers!" I thought "What do you take me for a feline dustbin?"

"Anyway then they found these Xmas puddings at the back of the cupboard. They are very nice with a  saucer of cream and some of that brandy butter. Well the brandy butter led to a sherry to toast the Queen and then some champagne to toast something else and I lost all track of what I was toasting and everything else for that matter.

Luckily I found a nice seat on the sofa and decided to sleep there until they stopped spinning the room round.

Glad this only comes round once a year. Have a good one!

So This Is Christmas

They have been making all this fuss about Christmas and what do I find? I have to put a silly red hat on and pretend to deliver all the presents and then all the two legs come round and start kissing me and cooing and saying silly things to me. Well I quickly put a stop to all that.

First off one of the little two legs - well to be honest he isn't that little just younger than the others - he comes up to me and goes all silly "Thank you Casper for my present" he says bending forward to kiss me.

Well I wasn't having any of that so I quickly put on my vicious face and hissed at him. He jumped back with such fright I nearly laughed my little socks off.

Then old two legs comes up and gives me some chews - now they are very tasty and I like a nice chew - and then he is bending over me saying "Thank Daddy for your present and give him a kiss"

"Oh yes" I thought . "I don't do kisses mate!" so just as he bends forward I up with my paw and swipe him on the lip. he yelps like a little girl and starts shouting about losing blood and needing stitches. What a wimp!

I decided the best thing was to go to bed and sleep until they had finished all their silliness and only then would I put in an appearance.

Happy Christmas to you too!

The Gift of Christmas

Earlier in the year my two legs dressed the house up with cobwebs and ghoulies and spiders and all sort of things nasty and when the little two legs came knocking at the door they gave them sweets and the little two legs all shrieked with delight. I remembered that.

When the two legs started to pack away all that stuff I formulated my plan to give them a thrill of their own. I love to see it when they jump up and down with delight - they are such cute creatures when they get excited.

I was watching the two legs wrapping up all their presents for the annual exchange when that vision of the shrieking with delight came back to me. I waited until they went to bed the night before Christmas and I went to find my gift which I had hidden in my secret little corner. I found it with ease and ran upstairs with it and looked for where to leave it so they would find it when they woke up. I chose her pillow.

I went off to my chair to sleep and wait for the morning and when they would be so grateful to me.

I heard the alarm go followed by a shrill shriek. It wasn't quite the same as the ones the little two legs gave out.

"Did you put that thing on my pillow in the night?" I heard her shout at old two legs as he lay there dozing/

"No it was my Christmas present to you"

"No I did not!" he shouted back "What is it anyway?"

"It's my gift to you both this year"

"It's a bloody spider!"

"No it's not. I was careful not to hurt it"

"Oh it's one of those plastic ones from Halloween. Casper must have found it and brought it up" Well at least old two legs had realised it was my gift.

"Well I can do without that sort of scare when I am waking up on Christmas morning" she exclaimed.

I thought that next year I won't bother. All the planning and good will dismissed in an instant. I tell you it makes you wonder if it is worth it all

A Little Light Reading

So there I was sitting in the armchair having a casual read of the newspaper as you do on a dull wet Sunday morning when all Hell breaks loose.

"What have you done with the TV guide?" I hear him shout from afar

"It's here in my paper" I answer helpfully

"It's where you left it" comes the female retort.

"You must have moved it. It was on the table last time I had it"

"Well didn't you have supper on the table last night? You must have cleared it off" she responds.

"No. It's here I'm reading it right now" I offer helpfully.

"I didn't move it. I was dishing up the soup. You laid the table. You must have moved it!"

"What do you want it for anyway. It's not 12 o'clock yet?" comes the logical female question.

Now I wonder if there is something in the two legs world that says they cannot read the TV listings until after 12 o'clock. Maybe they turn into a piece of cheese if they do. Max loves his cheese. Me, I'm not so keen on it. I find it makes me dream and then I get the fidgets and when I jump it wakes me up and then I have to go to the loo and then I have trouble getting back to sleep. No I leave cheese alone.

"I want to know when the football starts. It might be the lunch-time match or it might be 4 o'clock" he whines plaintively.

"Well if that's all put the TV on and find out"

"Liverpool kick off at 1:30" I offer helpfully turning the pages.

"Always have to do things myself when there should be an easy way" old two legs loves a good moan!

The TV set whirrs into life and the little two legs in there are busy scurrying about - I guess they are looking for their own TV guide. Suddenly there is a blue flash on the screen and two legs lets out a sigh.

"1:30 kick off so I'll have dinner on my lap please" he shouts through the wall. Now there's a strange thing. He wants dinner on his lap and yet when I jump on his lap and cause him to spill stuff on his lap he gets all angry and shouts. These two legs are strange creatures!

"Casper, what are you doing there with the paper?"

"Just having a restful morning."

"You've got the TV guide. Why can't you leave things alone. I've been searching high and low for that for hours!"

As if I didn't know. I'm giving up reading

Popped out for a Drink

Well me and Max were feeling a bit at a loss for something to do the other day. it had rained for days on end and there was no way we could go out in that I mean you get wet in rain. Max is quite happy to come back and be wrapped up in a big fluffy warm towel but I am a bit too virile for that and like to have a rub on the sofa to dry off - don't want those two legs doing too much for me.

Well the rained had stopped and I said to max how about a trip over to the farm. He was a bit reluctant as it is a long walk but I assured him we could have some rests on the way and I promised not to run off and leave him anywhere. He was persuaded so off we went. We left Sebastian indoors because he gets a bot puffed on long walks and he isn't too keen on the farm - he says it reminds him to much of fresh air and countryside and he would rather not.

We had a nice walk over there through the playing field and into the woods and then over the lane and into the first of the farmer's fields. It was very muddy and Max had a couple of moments where his paws got struck and we thought he was going to be swallowed by the mud but he was very stoic and we reached the sheds just as the farmer was doing unmentionable things to the cows. I told Max to look away but he was riveted on what was happening.

Suddenly the farmer saw us standing there. "Come on Moggies come and have a drink!"

We moved up to where he was sitting and sat beside him.

"Get ready to catch!" he chortled and fired the cow's teat right at us. I instinctively rose to my back feet and opened my mouth and this jet of warm creamy milk hit my throat. It was like nectar.

"What about you Skinny?" the farmer laughed talking to Max. To my amazement Max reared up like me and took a full teat's worth in one gulp. I stood up for more and the farmer obliged before giving Max second helpings too.

"Now clear off the pair of you!" he shouted pretending to throw his hat at uys.

We scuttled out and into the yard and up onto a bale of hay. We lay there in the weak afternoon sun with full warm bellies and Max sighed.

"Thanks Casper you're a good lad to bring me out with you. I feel full" In moments I heard his gentle snoring. It's nice to give the old folks a treat every so often isn't it?

Christmas Is Coming

I heard the two legs the other day say "Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat"

Seemed a stupid thing to say when they haven't got a goose so how would they know if it was getting fat or not and why would that signify Christmas. I decided to ask the sage about it all. Max was a bit down that morning. He had rushed to get breakfast only to find that Sebastian has taken to sleeping downstairs so he gets a head start on breakfast while Max is still plodding down stairs

I told Max I could get the box of biscuits off the top shelf if he helped me in my quest and I had his undivided attention for two minutes. That's about as good as it gets with Max. His mind wanders off onto other things very quickly.

"Well you see the two legs feed up their geese all through the year and then when it is nice and fat and then they wring its neck and eat it fro dinner on Christmas Day"

"But our two legs haven't got a goose so do they go hungry on Christmas Day and what happens if the goose decides to go to Weight Watchers and loses weight and isn't fat by Christmas?"

"You always make problems Casper. If they haven't got a goose they buy a turkey and and if the goose is thin it stays until next year because you know what you take off in weight one year you put back the next!"

"So when do they go to Turkey and what becomes of us when they go and is Turkey further away that Tesco's?"

"They go to Tesco to get the turkey and we get some of it too; when it's all nice and warm and oozing juices and got stuffing in the middle and bacon on the skin and a sausage up its bum"

"OMG they are awful these two legs - fancy sticking a sausage up a turkey's bum why do they do that?"

"Adds flavour and they call it the parson's nose. No Casper don't even start to ask about that and no they don't stick a sausage up the parson's nose or he wouldn't be able to do his bit in church would he?"

Sometimes I think poor old Max gets a bit confused so I let it be.

It reminded me though of when I was out in the Summer over by the farm and I met little Fluffball who was sitting on the bench with two geese. I wonder if they are fat and going to be on someone's table this Christmas or I wonder if Fluffball ate them there and then. I'm glad I'm not a goose!

Why Is Winter Warm?

Now Max is always moaning about the cold and has been on about how we are going to freeze when Winter comes. The other day he told me Winter was here and I thought I ought to make preparations if I was going to freeze.

I was wandering about looking for suitable blankets and things to wrap myself in when I chanced upon those radiator things the two legs have in every room. Now all through the year they sit there - the radiators that is not the two legs - although they do tend to sit about quite a bit. The radiators don't ever move or seemingly eat anything. Funny creatures they are.

Now I have passed by them many times during the year and being a polite cat I always say good morning to them and rub up against them. They never respond to me and are always cold as charity sitting there. i guess they must get very bored never doing anything but sit there. I did see old two legs put some paint on them once - I suppose he was trying to brighten their day.

So this morning I walked by and said my usual good morning and I heard a bit of a rumble come from the radiator's stomach. I was quite surprised and went back and rubbed against it. It was warm, bordering on hot, I shouted to Max who came and smiled and curled up immediately underneath it. Sebastian nudged his bed over towards it and when he found it too tiring just collapsed into his bed in the middle of the room.

I jumped up on top and found a lovely warm sleeping place.

I wonder why they are only hot in Winter - like I said radiators are funny creatures.

Visitors!!

Am I angry!

We have had this two leg arrive from Australia - now Max said she would walk upside down but she doesn't. In fact she is quite like the other two legs except she has this funny voice but I don't know too much more than that. You see I was locked out of my home.

I asked my personal shopper to get me some of my favourite biscuits and when they arrived she took them straight out into the garage and I didn't get any. Well then this Australian arrived and there was all sorts of commotion going on and I still didn't get any of my biscuits.

Apparently this visitor was going to sleep in the back bedroom where I like to doze on sunny days but I didn't mind too much as it is dark and Winter right now. Old two legs said he would switch the searchlight off so that it didn't wake the visitor during the night when my mates come calling. Now I knew this was my chance.

He got up and went for the garage key and opened the door and leaned in to switch the light off. As he did so I slipped through his legs and into the garage. Quickly he shut the door and locked it and I sniffed around until I found the large sack of biscuits. Old two legs had been thoughtful and opened it before putting it away. I nudge the top open and was soon munching on my biscuits - they tasted good,

After a while I thought I would pop back indoors to the warm fire but the garage door was locked. I could see the light where all the two legs were sitting talking but they couldn't see me. I cried out but they couldn't hear me.

I was trapped. Lucky I had my stash of biscuits or I could have starved to death.

Do you know it was 6 hours later before two legs came looking for me and opened the garage door and let me out. I sidled up to him barely able to walk through starvation and dehydration.

"Oh there you are Casper - wondered where you had been hiding!"

I Killed The Snowman

Now life is getting a bit complicated. You see this two legs that knows my personal shopper lives ion the other side of the world in a place called Australia. Now Max tells me that because that is directly underneath us the two legs down there walk upside down. Anyway this two legs has said she is coming to stay for Christmas because she wants to see it snow - they don't have snow down there. Well max said if they did the snow would probably fall upwards and get stuck up their noses.

Well old two legs decided he would go out and build a snowman ready for when this upside down two legs arrives. He actually did a good job and I heard him shout out to my personal shopper

"Have you got a carrot for his nose?"

I wondered why he needed a carrot for the snowman's nose and I thought he must have stuck his finger up it when he was building it and given the snowman a nose bleed and now he wanted to stick a carrot up it to stop it bleeding. The carrot was duly passed out the window and I saw old two legs ram it up the snowman's nostril. I bet that hurt.

Two legs admired his work and commented to the personal shopper that the upside downer would appreciate that when she flew in and that it would make her feel all festive. These upside downers seem pretty clever if they can fly. My two legs here can't fly.

Well I got to talking about it all to Sebastian and he said it was not a good thing to shove a carrot up your nose. he said it could stop you breathing and you could die.

I went outside to see how the snowman was doing and he still had the carrot rammed up his nose and he wasn't moving or saying a word. I remembered Sebastian's cautionary tale and decided to act fast. I jumped up onto the snowman's shoulder and pawed the carrot out of his nose. Tragedy! His shoulder disintegrated and his head fell off. I killed him and the carrot didn't.

I am keeping out of the way until the investigation has completed

Ahoy Shipmates

You don't know how lucky you are to be reading this. I nearly wasn't here. I thought I was sailing away for a year and a day like that bird and cat that went to see and got married. But I am ahead of myself. Now that is a funny saying isn't it? If you were ahead of yourself could you see yourself coming and if you could and there was some danger could you stop yourself from going into the danger even though you were already in it? Answers on a  postcard please care of old two legs!

I was having a wander round the estate when I thought what a lovely fresh crisp morning it was and how nice it would be to take a stroll down to the river bank. Often when I go down there I meet up with Victor Vole or Crazy Connie Coot and we have a little chat and run around. The exercise is good and I quite enjoy a conversation with someone other than Max and Sebastian from time to time. I am not saying Max and Sebastian are boring but a change is as good as a rest as a wise old cat once told me.

I got down to the river bank and was walking along where the boats are moored up when Crazy Connie and her family shot out from some weeds.

"What you doing down here this time of year, Casper?" she called

"Just came for a stroll as it was nice. Keeping well? you and the family?"

"Never better. Hop up on that boat there and we'll have a natter. I think Junior has still got half a worm he found yesterday. We can share that if you like"

I declined the food but hopped up onto the wooden seat and settled down for a chat but the sun was warm and Connie tends to natter on and on. Before I knew where I was I was in a nice snooze. I was having a lovely dream about a mountain of tuna and as I ate more and more of it the sicker I began to feel, I opened an eye and there was no sign of Connie and the chicks. The boat was tossing up and down and there was the smell of a tobacco pipe in the air. I felt quite queasy.

"My Gawd, where be you a coming from to land there in my boat?" boomed this voice from a wizened face, the pipe at a jaunty angle from the mouth.

"Er I was having a sleep and you must have set sail sir"

"Ye must've been drowsing in the boat while i were a casting off. Now we're on the high seas. Hope thou be a good sailor. I can't be doing with sickness on the waves"

I put on my most hurt expression and immediately felt a retching come from deep within. The old sea dog looked at me. "We only be in the bay and you be sick already. You aren't no ship's cat are ye? Best put you ashore before you frighten all the fish around"

With that he turned for the shore and set me off in just a few inches of water.

I ran all the way home and curled up on the fluffy towel. Last adventure for me for a while!

I Compared The Market

Old two legs has been pushing me off my computer so he can go and do this insurance stuff. I don't fully understand it but it seems he pays somebody to make sure no bad things happen and they send him a meerkat in return. I heard him telling my mate Terry the postman that he was expecting a meerkat from Meerkovo and that it was currently in Amsterdam where it had fallen off its bike into a canal and was waiting to dry off before it could get to England. Terry just humoured him and said OK and that he would watch out for it.

I think it is a bit cruel to send meerkats through the post like that because when they go through the franking machine they get a terrific whack on their head and it can send them a bit funny. Maybe that's what happened to Max, I shall have to ask him where he came from.


Well there was great excitement the other day when Terry arrived with 3 boxes addressed to two legs. There was much tearing of cardboard and opening of boxes and gasps of delight

"It's Alexander. Oh my it's Yakov. Hey look it's Bogdan!"

And there they all were on the lounge floor as large as life. I thought I ought to make myself known to them and next thing we were out in the estate grounds to have our photo taken. Can you spot me?