Christmas Comes But Once a Year

Now you need to understand that the festive season is not one of my two legs' more favoured times. They fail to see the pleasure in spending one weekend climbing ladders and pinning bits of foil and tinsel into the ceiling and walls only to spend another weekend 3 weeks later removing the same tinsel and foil and then patching up the holes created by the said tacks.

Moreover he is loathe to spend hours of time dressing tree shaped lumps of tinsel with baubles and fairies only to remove the same within said 3 weeks and find that half of them have either broken or vanished. Is there some greater power out there that ensures that every sixth silver bauble mysteriously disappears only to be found in the middle of Summer.

Enough of his likes and dislikes, the female two legs decreed that decorations should be implemented this weekend and so the toil began. Max is a great man for helping in these circumstances. Two legs was atop the ladders peering into the dimly lit loft space wondering where he had placed the fairy from last year when something warm and furry brushed past him. Having been an ardent viewer of "I'm a Celebrity ...Get Me Out of Here" he at first thought he was facing a bush-tucker trial. Common sense prevailed and he realised that this was Suffolk and not South Australia, Max had climbed the ladder and was amok in the loft.

The two legs called to him - Max ignored him. The two legs enticed him with promises of treats – Max ignored him. The two legs threatened him with torture - Max ignored him. Two legs went for a cup of tea - Max joined him. Two legs returned to his venture into the loft and secured the various boxes of decorations and made safe the trap door ensuring that no feline had entered.

Disgruntled, two legs went about pinning up the decorations and erecting the tree. He laboured hard and was quite impressed with the finished result (even though the fairy at the top had a rather jaunty Julian Claryesque look about her). He decked the mirrors with the obligatory tinsel and managed to secure the berry-like beads on each branch of the tree. He felt Ihe had earned another cuppa.

Two legs was indulging in a quiet cuppa in the dining room when he heard the key turn in the door to announce his wife's return from yet another foray into the shops of Ipswich. Her delight at seeing the decorations was not exactly what he had planned - he felt he had made some catastrophic gaffe; had he placed the Christmas star too close to the tinsel bells? Even so the shriek of disgust was more than uncalled for.

He cleared away the cup and made his way back to the lounge. There was the tree scattered across the floor with broken baubles littering the carpet and the Julian Claryesque fairy looking rather forlorn and tattered. Max was sitting amidst the debris with tinsel in his fur. In the living room, Sebastian was chewing on a piece of twine which had previously supported the Christmas cards; these were now scattered across the room and over the furniture.

Two legs resolved not to have decorations next year or maybe not to have cats!!

Dog Tired? Cat Tired More Like

I was up early this morning.

Well I was waking the two legs at 4 am like they want. Well I think they want because they always shout about when I wake them up. If they didn't want it they'd stay asleep like Max and Seb do wouldn't they?

Anyway having done my duty in waking them, he took me downstairs and opened the door to let me out. Trouble with getting him up early is that he doesn't always know what he is doing at that time and as I left for the cool of the garden, I heard the patio doors sliding closed behind me and off he wandered and click the lights went out.

Oh well I thought won't be long before they come a-calling me. meantime I'll take a little wander over to where the new cat on the block lives. I saw him the other day amnd was about to make myself known when I got called in for dinner. Never one to miss eating, I forwent the pleasantries of an introduction and hurried home. Today I had time; I was later to find out just how much.

I went over to where I had seen him before but there was no sign of him or anyone else. I wandered round to my sister but she wasn't about. I went over to my Mum's - no sign of her either. I went up to Louis's and she wasn't there. i thought it must be a ghost town all of a sudden.

Then I began to feel cold and - truth be told - a little frightened. I made for home the place was in darkness.

I waited and waited and eventually someone came and let me in. I was cold and tired and all they said was "Have you had a nice run Casper?"

Sometimes people just don't realise do they?

I sat in the doorway almost falling asleep as I sat there.

Spinning Around

Was I in a spin this morning?

I was having a wander through the West Wing when I chanced upon a portal to another universe - well that's what Max said it was.

I asked him if he wanted to go through it and he said he hadn't finished his early morning nap and would rather not in case it delayed his mid morning siesta. He also said that as I hadn't been through the portal, it was only fair that he and Seb stood back and let me go

I thought how nice it is to having such thoughtful and caring brothers

I climbed in and before I knew where I was Max had accidentally knocked against the door shutting it firmly on me. There was no way I could get out.

I was scratching on the glass of the capsule when I spotted the female two legs approaching with a pile of clothes in her arms. She bent down opened the door and bundled them in without looking at me. I had a pair of underpants rammed right under my delicate nose.

I spoke to her and announced my presence and she jumped back as if struck by 1000 volts

"What are you doing in there, stupid boy. You could have been spun and drowned if I hadn't seen you. get out at once!"

Bit rich I thought she hadn't seen me at all. In fact if I hadn't called to her I might well have been spun and drowned as she put it.

I went to ask Max if he was sure about the portal to a parallel universe but he was asleep. So was Seb.

I wonder!

I Can Play Skittles

Cool game I found today

The two legs went out and bought this new bird table. They were moaning that the old one was falling to bits. It was OK when I tried flying off it when old Percy told me how to.

Anyway they brought it in and put it in the garden near where the old one used to be. They put nuts and seeds and fat slabs on it - nothing that I would fancy to be honest and went in to have their lunch looking out over the garden.
Seb and I went to join them and they kindly shared some turkey with us. I think it was the same one they had at Christmas but it tasted OK.

While we were eating Derek and Daphne Dove flew in and were hovering about deciding which bird table to sit on. You see both had food on them. Well I haven't seen Derek and Daphne since before the snows came so I shot out to greet them followed by a more sedate Sebastian. Derek was attempting to negotiate a landing on the new tab;e when I rushed through the door and ran up to him. I leapt in mid air aiming for the new table and caught it right on the apex. It slowly rolled to one side and went clattering to the grass, Derek fluttered up onto the old table and I heard him say to Daphne that the new one didn't look too promising.

"Typical of clutter brain" I heard Seb tell them as the two legs rushed out to retrieve and right the new table.

The male two legs called me a couple of choice names and I went inside to wash my paws.

Must try that again some time soon!

I Saw Santa Kissing

Well the festive time seems to be on the wane. The two legs have been eating and eating and sometimes me and Max and Seb get some of the stuff they don't want. I had some nice turkey on Christmas Day and Max had a nose in the Christmas pudding. Seb said he wasn't too impressed with the goose they had but he showed willing and ate some. It pays to be polite you know.

Anyway before all this happened - the night before to be exact - I was out for a wander and I saw him. Max and Seb didn't believe me but I did. You see I heard this set of bells first off them I heard something grinding on the road and I looked up and there he was. He was in his sleigh and there was this car in front - I suppose the reindeer had got tired if they travel all over the world. I know when I wander and I go past the road that leads to the vets I get tired and the reindeer go all over the world in one night - wowzer!

So I thought I would just watch and see and he got out of his sleigh thing and went up to this house. The door opened and a female two legs put her arms round him and kissed him and they went inside. I waited around but he didn't come out and next morning when I went for my walk the car was still there. The sleigh was but I think that was in the garage coz I saw all the marks where they had pulled it over the snow.

Wonder what was happening and whether all the presents were delivered.

I got mine did you?

Christmas is a Time of Giving

Now why do I get into trouble for being kind?

There's all this to do about Christmas and the two legs are always saying what shall we get for this person and that person. I notice they never say what shall we get for Casper!

Well you know whata kind hearted generous cat I am so I decided I would go and do some Christmas shopping of my own. I wanted to get the male two legs a present for brushing and combing me and the female two legs for feeding me and cuddling me when it's cold.

Maybe I got the wrong idea but there again I can't go into Tesco and buy things like they do. First of all I don't have money and second of all I don't have pockets and stuff to put the presents in to carry home. So I went looking elsewhere. Maybe they should do a Cats at Home Delivery service?

I was wandering through the neighbours garden when I found the perfect things. There was this lovely big leaf all brown and glistening that I thought he would like and a few paces away was this dead bird I knew she would love. Well i say dead bird - in truth it was half a dead bird - someone had been at it before I got there and had eaten part of it but it still looked good to me.

I picked up the bird and carried it to the fence, scaled the fence and laid it carefully by the patio doors and went back for the leaf. same procedure brought that home too. I hadn't got that fancy wrapping paper they use so I just carried them in and laid them on the mat for them to enjoy when they got up.

Did they thank me? Were they thrilled at my choices? Was I a hero? No. I was scolded and told to take them away. Last time I go Christmas shopping

Twinkle Twinkle NOT a Star

Oh my what a shock.

If you are eating dinner or of a nervous disposition you probably don't want to read this.

It's Christmas time and all those decorations are hanging about just right for jumping up to and pulling down.

The two legs put this stuff round their mirrors and doorways - it is all sparkly and goes all stringy when you start to chew it. Sebastian said they call it tinsel and it is not food. Now when Sebastian says something is not food I should really have listened but I thought he was just being silly as he wanted to eat it all.

Anyway I happily ate this tinsel and all was well. It actually tasted quite pleasant. There was some nice colours in it, red, gold, silver, and green - not that I could tell because as a cat I don't see colours too well

Well everything was fine until this morning when I went outside to do my business. I used to use a litter tray indoors but since I got to be a big boy I go outside now. When I can I nip over the fence at the end of the world and go into someone else's garden.

Well I started to go and all this tinsel started to come out. You have never seen anything like it! I was flabbergasted at seeing tinsel come out of my bottom.

Sebastian is right - I am not going to eat that again.

I Can Fly Higher Than An Eagle

They were sitting there eating their teas and I sauntered in quietly and climbed up to my vantage point.

They had no idea where I was and it was all I could do to stop from laughing. You know what it's like thought when you get up into those unreachable places, there's always dust there. Well so it was up here where the top of the world meets the rest. I was enjoying watching them when I felt this terrible sneeze coming on.

I couldn't hold it back and let fly.

"What the Heck was that?" asked the male two legs, looking around the floor and under the table.

Blast, another sneeze was welling up and sure enough out it came exploding from my lips.

"Where is it coming from?" his gaze began to lift from the floor and was at mid furniture level. "I know it's in here and I'm sure it's Casper"

Just then his gaze reached the ceiling and he saw me.

"Get down you clown!" he screamed causing me to teeter off balance and knock the speaker from it's ledge to the floor. I didn't know the speaker was plugged into the hi-fi system which made a gently sashaying motion before it too moved off the shelf and headed for the floor.

I appear to be in trouble yet again!

A Bundle of Joy - Well 2 Actually

The other night the two legs were watching their TV stuff. There were these two legs dancing and prancing around the floor with each other and they kept shouting "Seven" at the screen. Little things please little minds I suppose.

Well Max said he was cream crackered. personally I don't like the things although I don't mind the cheese that the two legs put on them for their supper. I usually go and sit by him and put on my best possible starving look and he usually breaks a bit of cheese off. He offered me cracker bits in the early days and I had to make it clear that I don't eat them. If I want dental roughage I have my own stock of biscuits for that purpose thank you very much.

Anyway Max got up on the two legs lap and settled down for a nap. I saw how comfortable he looked and thought "I'll have some of that too" So up I got.

Typical - out came the camera and click there I am on the internet for everyone to see. Is there no privacy laws for cats in this country?

The Eyes In The Sky

You might remember I told you about a game Seb and Max played with the fish next door last Summer. Basically they tried to con the fish into thinking they (Max and Seb) were the eyes in the sky but the fish were too brainy.

My Mum used to say to me I had to eat lots of fish to get to be brainy so I suppose it follows that fish must be clever. Then again if they were that clever they wouldn't get caught and eaten and pass their brains onto other people would they? Life often poses these unanswerable problems. I muse on them sometimes when I am not sleeping.

Anyway all this is far from the eyes in the sky I did the other day.

I climbed up on the ladder and looked over the roof of the house and gave the two legs such a start.

Hehehe they do shout and scream a lot

Party Party Party!

Hey they had a party here the other day.

They put up all these silver paper hanging things that I could jump on and they changed all the furniture round with loads of chairs and stuff.

Then all these two legs started coming - there were loads of them. Sebastian said he was going up under the bed and Max and me went out in the garden for a long play.

Then it got a bit cold so Max said if he was quick he could slide in and get upstairs under the bed with Seb without anyone seeing him. Then he opted to go to sleep in the two legs' car in the garage. I can't get into that like Max does - it's all about balancing on the wing mirror and I tend to fall off.

I thought I'd go and join the party and have some food and stuff but they were making these rockets go firing off with a terrific bang. Good thing was that it spewed out loads of paper and I was able to run through it and skid on it and slide without being told off. I'm still finding bits of paper 4 days after it happened - is that cool?

They were real nice to me and I just walked upstairs and got on the bed and slept and no-one worried. Max came in later and asked me how I did it. he thinks I've got some sort of magical power.

Don't let on will you?

Baby Its Cold Outside

By Crikey it's cold.

I went for my walk the other night and the fence at the end of the world - by the way I know now it is not the end of the world but it is such a good name I keep it - was so icy when I came back I was skidding all over the place.

Max was watching me from inside the house and when I got in he said "Have you been out drinking? I saw you rolling along that fence!"

I didn't think that was particularly funny as I could have slipped off and hurt myself.

Max has a funny sense of humour sometimes.

Anyway next morning I went out into the garden as usual and there was this huge chunk of frozen water on the grass. I looked at it carefully and noted the dimensions matched exactly with those of the wheel-barrow the two legs is always pushing around in the Summer. I remembered it was the day the bin man comes and I guess the two legs must have emptied the wheel-barrow of ice when he put the bins out.

I went over and started to lick it and - yes - you guessed it - my tongue stuck to the ice block.

Isn't it funny when something like that happens, everyone suddenly appears.

Sebastian popped out from under the lavender bush "Something got your tongue laddie?" he bellowed, putting his paw up in the air for effect.

Max was next on the scene "Oh well he'll be there until the thaw in Spring" he announced joyfully to no-one in particular.

Just then my mum appeared from over the fence and in a flash she was down beside me and she laid against my face. I thought she was going to suffocate me but ina few seconds my tongue freed itself and I moved to lick her thanks.

Too late she was gone back over the fence with Max in hot pursuit.

Blood is thicker than water you know

Sticky Moments

Hey isn't that cellotape stuff cool?

The two legs have been buying all sorts of stuff just lately and then wrapping it up in pretty paper ready for me to scratch and tear open. It's good of them to trouble.

Well the other day I had got this particularly big parcel to unravel - turned out to be an electric under blanket whatever that might be! I was bust tearing into the paper andscratching at the cardboard and I didn't notice the cellotape.

It had got all twisted round my tail and was rea;;y stuck on.

The male two leg decided he would save me. I hadn't asked to be saved but there you are.

He yanked at the stuff and I thought my tail was coming off. I yelped and tried to bite him but he was quick.

When I looked half my tail fur was stuck to the cellotape in his hand.

Max came down and was really considerate and said I should be careful about going out with a naked tail. He's been looking after me

He's a good sort is Max

What Price Sleep

I don't know about you but the moment I decide to have 40 winks you can bet you life that the two legs start doing something noisy. She will get that gobble thing out and set it off going round the house just sucking up anything on the floor - even me if I let it. It's nice that it cleans up but why does it have to make that much noise? If I made noise like that I'd get sent outside.

If it's not that they put that tiny little thing on under the TV and all manner of voices come out of it. Sebastian says it's music but I'm not so sure. It just keeps me awake when I want to sleep.

The other night I had settled down for a nice nap on the sofa. I'd got all those furry cushions just right and I was in a position where I could relax easily and keep half an eye on the TV thing in case that dog came in again. You know the one. He bounds about with the toilet roll (trying to copy me I think). Anyway as soon as he appears they go all silly and aaaaaaah and oooooooh at him. I have to remind them that this is a cat household and those canine beasts do not have a place here.

So there I was totally relaxed and what happens? Out comes the camera.

"Ooooooh Casper looks so cute!"

Well at least it wasn't that puppy dog they were ooohing at

Baby It's Cold Outside

Crikey - who put all this white stuff about? I went out the other morning for a quick stroll round the estate and I went waist deep in this cold wet powdery stuff. Actually it was quite fun and I was jumping about in it and racing upstairs to jump on the two legs while they were still in bed. They liked the game because they kept squealing about cold and wet.

Anyway there I was running in and out and Max said it was far too cold to have the door open for me and would I shut it.

Well it's not often I get to have some real fun and I told him to come out and play with me in it. He said he hadn't got a fur coat to wear and I gave him one of my puzzled stares and he went all huffy.

Then I saw him talking to Sebastian and they said that if I was good and didn't throw ice balls at them they would come and play with me. I promised and thought how nice it is to have brothers who will come and play with me.

We all went outside.

Max and Sebastian didn't stay long. They told me to sit still while they made a snow man. I am still thawing out.

It isn't nice to have brothers who take advantage of your innocence you know

It's a Dog's Life

I found this wonderful game I've been playing for a while now.

You see this two legs comes to the front door every day and puts some stuff through the door. He never comes in and I haven't seen him, but he puts this stuff through for me. Sometimes it's big heavy stuff wrapped in that flimsy stuff that when you scratch it, it goes everywhere and sometimes it's just small bits of paper and pretty colours.

Well I found that I can pick up the small stuff and run it upstairs and hide it. It's great fun and the two legs always comes and gives me more so he obviously likes it.

I've been ever so good and I got several of these papers in my box under the bed. My teo legs don't look in there only to see if Sebastian has gone into hiding there so it was a really cool secret place.

the other day though I'd retrieved this leaflet thing about pilates classes and taken it up my hidey hole ready for storage when I heard Louie outside so I jumped across the bed to look out the window to see what she was doing and that's when the trouble started. Louie was trying to get in and was hanging on her front door. her two legs had gone out and left her. I tried to shout across to her to say that she could come and stay with me until they got home but you know how thick these windows are. Anyway in all the excitement I forgot about my pilates class leaflet and left it on the bed where I had dropped it.

Everything calmed down and I went back for a snooze until my two legs came home. They did the normal greetings ritual and enquired if I had been a good boy etc. Then he went upstairs to change clothes.

"What's this paper doing on the bed?" came the call from upstairs. I felt a little chill of fear - I sensed what was coming. my stash was about to be revealed. I thought what a funny question too. The piece of paper would have just been laying there. It had no life of its own so it would be most unlikely to be doing a Highland jig across the duvet.

The female two legs went up to join him and pretty soon they were embarked ona search which involved going under the bed. They did look quite funny with their heads under the bed and their bottoms in the air, but I knew comedy was going to be short lived.

"Look here!" commanded the male two legs. "There's all sorts of letters and stuff in here. It must be Casper's hideaway"

That's right I thought now do the decent thing and walk away and pretend you haven't seen it. Not likely! Out came the letters and papers and things were ripped open.

"The gas bill! My pension! An invite to wine tasting. What on earth is he doing? Does he think he's a dog?"

That was enough. Me - a dog! I ran up his back as he was kneeling by the bed my claws fully extended. he knew that wasn't a dog.

Nevertheless I am now in the dog house - again. And they've put a box on the door so the two legs can't play with me any more. It's always me that's in the wrong!!

I Have to HAND it to Them

Have you ever stopped to think about your hand?

To me it is enormous - about the size of my body and it comes whizzing out of nowhere to stroke me. Gives me the most terrible fright. It's like some unmanned spaceship making a direct hit on you. Well not on you - on me!

I was asking Max about it the other day and he said when he was young it made him so scared he ran and hid whenever two legs approached. He thought the "Hand of the Two Legs" was something evil until he grew up and found it generally meant affection.

I know they mean well but it is a bit off-putting. You think about it. When you are being stroked by your two leg friend it is like a very small part of your body isn't it. But when we are stroked by a gigantic hand it is like three quarters of our body.

Max said he quite liked being stroked with one finger at first. I think that's a pretty fair compromise. It doesn't apply to the little two legs of course becuse they have little hands and they don't scare so much.

I thought I would have a deep and meaningful blog today!

Reading is so Tiring

You know since I became a celebrity I have to check all the newspapers and magazines to see if there is any mention of me and my events. It is such a tiring job I was wondering if anyone out there would like to come and do it for me. I know you would be thrilled to work for me so i wouldn't insult you by offering you payment and you could always get me little bits of extra food to supplement what my personal shoppers get. You can send your application to me with all relevant experience and references.

Meanwhile I must get back to checking the latest copy of Celebrity Paws - I am so tired

I'm a Celebrity Get me Out of Here

I have been so busy with all my personal appearances ever since I became the pin-up cat of Ipswich that I nearly didn't have time for my after dinner nap yesterday.

My little two leg friends who live with my sister Bluebell came to see me and I always play a game of hide and seek with them. They get all upset because they can't find me and then I suddenly pop out and surprise them. We were having a little fun game when I looked round and saw Sebastian playing with my coloured piece of string. My little friends made it for me to play with.

I asked him why he was playing with that when he had never shown any interest in it before.

"Since you've had it you've become all famous and people come to see you so I thought if I played with it it might be magic like and the magic would rub of on me!" he explained all sort of upset and sheepish like. It's funny to see a cat being sheepish but Sebastian was.

"I will let you have it if you want because I am so famous people shower gifts on me and I don't need and trinkets anymore" I replied somewhat disdainfully.

The little friends saw Sebastian and went to play with him with the string and left me alone. I felt all unwanted suddenly. I thought I shouldn't have been quite so off-hand with Sebastian and I offered to play with him too but he was happy with my little friends. I went over to wash him - he likes me washing his ears and head where he can't reach.

"Not now Cas," he said "I'm playing".

I think I shall be a little more humble in future. Stardom is OK but I don't want to lose all my friends along the way.

Glad you are still here for me.

I'm A Celebrity Get Me Some Food!

Hey what do you think?

Those people over at the vets have said that I am the face on their calendar for 2011. I am going to be Mr September. Max and Sebastian are so jealous you can't believe it.

I have to have words with my personal shoppers. There have to be changes now. I can't have them just saying there's no fish this week or stuff like that. I'm a superstar - what I want I get. I shall be on thousands of two legs's walls. They will look to me for the date and all sorts of stuff. I shouldn't wonder that I have to appear on Daytime TV soon with that funny two leg who sits on the couch all day.

I shall still make time to write to you but I expect my life will have lots of twists and turns now with recording agents and all that. I told Max and Seb I will always remember them but not to expect me to be able to get them tickets to all my venues.

Hehehehe you know a star

Feather in my Cap

I was really star struck today.

It all started this morning when I went up to see my two leg personal shopper at 4 am. He was fast asleep and I felt like he had been nice to me so I took him a present. trouble was he was fast asleep. Max told me they like to be woken up gently so I sit on his bedside table and gently tap his face. I have to tap a little harder each time until he wakes up and he is usually pleased to see me. I knew he would be this morning because of the special present.

After three strikes he woke up and I went to get the present and dropped it on his face. he was a bit spluttery but he seemed pleased and put the light on.

"Oh," he said "it's a dirty old bird feather. Couldn't you have got me a nice shining new one?"

It made me think. I was being a bit of a cheapskate so I determined to put things right. He got up as is normal and took me downstairs to let me out. Sebastian came along but Max stayed curled up under the duvet. Max doesn't like these crisp frosty mornings. Plays his rheumatism up he says.

I was hoping to find a nice peacock or something in the garden but the only person about was Christopher Crow. Now he is a very big black bird with lovely feathers but I don't think he would be the sort to give me one without a fight. Nevertheless I thought I'd ask.

"Excuse me Mr Crow have you got a feather you could spare for me that I could give to my two legs as a thank you for being nice to me?"

Christopher looked up from his pecking and turned to Sebastian who was sheltering under the planter.

"Is this guy for real? Asking for feathers. Giving them as presents. What is he?"

"A little slow in the uptake Chris but don'y mind him, his heart is in the right place most of the time."

What did that mean? When did my heart get in the wrong place? What did that do for my medical wellbeing? Had Sebastian heard something I didn't know about?

"Well funny cat. You happen to be in luck. My cousin is over from New Zealand on a flying visit and he is a mega star and is used to giving feathers to his adoring fans. I'll nip over to the rookery and get one for you. Only because I like your cheek!"

With that he was gone and Sebastian looked at me with one of his withering looks.

Before he could say a word there was a flapping of wings and down came Christopher with a fine black feather in his beak. He dropped it in front of me and looked up as if ready to peck me hard.

"Russell says it's the strangest request he's had but as he trusts me he has given this one for you. Treat it properly and never ask again!"

He disappeared leaving the feather at my feet. I picked it up and ran it upstairs to my two legs who was back in bed savouring a cup of tea.

"Where did you get that beauty Cas? That looks like a crow feather. You surely haven't been chasing them. You are a clever lad.

I tried to explain but you know what two legs are. They like to have their own ideas and there's no dissuading them sometimes.

Remember Remember the 5th November

Hey yesterday was some night. They said it was 5th November but it was like a war out there. I have never heard anything like it. There were bangs and whizzes and flashes all through the evening. I got quite frightened at first and fell off my perch and went and hid behind the settee.

Sebastian came down and told me it was quite alright and not to be afraid. I thought it was very nice of him, but I did wonder why he spent the time under the bed upstairs all the while they were whizzing and banging. Max told me he takes his deaf aid out and then he doesn't hear so much of it. Mind you he spent a lot of time looking out the window at all the lights and flashes. Some of those flashes went right up beyond the sky. and I am sure some of those whizzy things whizzed there way right out of the world well certainly out past where Tescos is.

When I went for my walk this morning there were quite a few new sticks about and I picked a few up to bring home. Only trouble was they smelled of something horrible. Max said it was gunpowder but he was being silly - they don't fire guns round here - do they?

Anyway Seb said it would all be over now until next year. Max said it will be ona gain tonight. One of them is probably right. I'm taking no chances - I've built my shelter this time.

Isn't This Wet Cool?

Hey I have had the wickedest time in this rain stuff.

I love running outside and getting all wet and muddy paws then I run indoors and skid on the wood floor and the two legs shout at me and there's all skid marks everywhere. The female two legs gets the mop out and cleans up so that I can go out and do it again. They do shout a lot and get funny!

Just now he was messing about on my computer and I wanted to blog to you. I asked nicely but he wouldn't get up so I went outside for a game. It was lovely and wet and I got soaked. I waited until all my fur was wet and then I ran in, ran up the back of his chair and laid on his neck. he shouted - they are always shouting aren't they? Then he jumped up and ran and got a towel yo wipe himself down. He also tried to wipe me with it but I wriggled free and showed him I could do what the dog across the road does and I shook all my fur over him. he shouted again!

I jumped into the seat and started writing. He is beside me telling me to hurry up because he wants to get some ticket for a Lottery before it closes.

I suppose I had better let him on.

What's With All The Explosions?

Have you heard all those bangs and crashes just lately?

Frightened the life out of me. It gets dark so early now and I was enjoying a late afternoon / early evening nap when it all kicked off. There were bangs and whizzes and crashes and all sorts. Woke me with such a start I fell off my station and landed in a heap in my toy basket.

I thought I had got away with it when Seb opened one eye and looked at me.

"Now you know why we don't sleep up so high, laddie" he seemed quite pleased at my indisposition.

I was about to explain when another series of flashes and crashes and whizzes and bangs went off right outside the window. I ducked for cover under the blanket.

"Who's attacking us and why?" I trembled.

"Some two legs setting off what they call fireworks." Seb explained "They do it every year as part of some ritual of theirs. Always do it when it's dark so it scares us more. Don't know why they do it. They also have great big fires in their gardens. At least that bit is warm if you're caught out in it."

Another whizzer shot by the window causing me to bury even deeper in my blanket.

"How long does it last?" I asked not really wanting to hear the reply.

"A couple of weeks or so" said Seb yawning and returning to his sleep. Something to be said for his advancing years and loss of acute hearing!

Isn't The News Awful?

I was reading the paper the other morning and I thought how awful the news was.

There's nothing cheerful in the papers these days is there? All you get are stories about terror attacks here there and anywhere, companies going broke. and footballers doing naughty things with people they shouldn't. I don't know what the world is coming to.

Max was telling me that when he was a boy you could go out and leave the door open and know that everything would be where it should be when you got home sometimes hours later. He told me a tale of when he went hunting and caught a rabbit. He said it was too heavy for him to carry so he waited for someone to come along and asked them to help him carry it home. he said the two legs thought it very funny to see him and his mate Perrin carry a rabbit up the lanes between them. Nowadays Max sayd you would just get mugged and someone would run off with the rabbit or worse still they would carry YOU home!

Maybe things will get better soon if not I am going to ask the two legs to start buying those magazines for me rather than this newspaper stuff.

BY the way I think I might get myself a pair of glasses from that shop that gives you two for one. Might make the news look brighter??

Where's The Sun Gone?

By Crikey it's chilly

I wandered downstairs the other morning and waited for two legs to open the door for me; when he did I nearly jumped out of my skin. there was such a wind blowing and it was cold. I looked up to where the sun usually sits - just above the rooftop and it wasn't there. I think someone must have taken it away during the night.

I went back indoors and had a word with Max. he had got himself in position for when the fire got switched on. As soon as that flame flickered he was down in front of it. Sebastian has a seat just behind Max and I asked where I should sit.

"In the garden mate. It's still warm enough for a young un!" I think Sebastian wanted some peace!

I managed to get one of the boxes from some parcel the two legs received and asked them to put a blanket in it. It is really nice and cosy. I think Max wants it now but it's mine! Hehehehehe

Just over the fence by the end of the world there's this fabulous tree.

It has got these long leaf things that fall off and when I get to play with them they are so cool. I get a two legs to hold one end and wiggle it about and I chase the other end and it goes all stringy and tickles me. Its such a cool game

ANyway just lately the leaf things have been holding on up in the tree and try as I might to talk them down they are resolute about staying there

I told the two legs about it and he just said wait until the wind blows and then they will all come down at once. What use is that I want one now.

SO I was tiptoeing along that fence top when I saw a chance and made a jump for it. i sailed through the air and thought for a minute I might not make the tree but my aim was good and I landed in the trunk thing and got myself sorted out. Once I had righted myself I set about scaling the branches to secure a leaf.

I got one ok but trust the two legs to be there with a camera at the wrong time.

Sid Really is Vicious!

I was out strolling around the estate minding my own business when this piercing shriek broke the tranquility

"What the heck are you doing here?" asked this little black bird atop the bird table.

"Just out for a stroll" I answered rather dismissively "and who might you be?"

"I'm Sid and I'm well fed up right now so watch it or I'll have a fight with you" retorted the aggressive starling.

"Why so uptight?" I ventured to ask, thinking I was getting so brave these days.

"Look mate, I have every reason to be uptight. All the colony have flown off for Winter and me and Sylvia have been left behind. Don;t know which way they've gone and where they are stopping off. Don't think we want to stay here for the Winter either mate"

Before I could answer there was a flutter and down landed this cute little female starling.

"Oh Sid you are not venting your anger on someone else are you?" It was out fault we missed them going. If you hadn't wanted to have that final rummage through the rubbish tip we would have been with them."

"That's it blame me. Always my fault. If the world stopped spinning it would be my fault. Never mind that I was going through that rubbish dump to find you some nice stuff to take on holiday. Never mind that I was there in the cold and rain for hours. You could have said they were getting ready. You could have asked where they were going so we could catch up. No it's my fault I know"

Sid the starling was wound up.

"I saw them all swarming getting ready to go" I offered in helpful intent "they were making so much noise on the roof tops I was quite scared"

"Did you see which way they went?" Sylvia asked me, her face a picture of anxiety.

"They flew out over Tesco's and then they turned back and went out to sea. There were thousands of them. Sebastian said it was far to many to think about. Made him quite tired trying to count them."

"Thank you little fellow. They will have made for that Dutch island then Sid. Come on we can catch them if we hurry. If not someone there will know where they went."

"Now it's down to me to hurry and it'll be my fault if we get there and they've gone. Supposing twerpy here has got it wrong and they went the other way?"

"I'm going Sid it's your choice whether you follow me or not" and with that she took to the air and flew - just like a bird I thought.

"You better be right short legs or I'll be back for you!" Sid's final retort was menacing and with that he flew off to join Sylvia.

I hope they make it.

The Last Straw

Hey aren't these straw things cool?

The two legs had a party the other day and they gave each other drinks with these straw things in them. Well whenever they put the drink on the floor I nipped in and pinched the straw out of it. They were cool fun to play with and they tasted nice with that drink on them.

I got quite a collection and I hid them under the rug in the lounge. I only told Max where they were and he didn't seem very interested.

The two legs kept asking what had happened to their straw but I didn't tell them, then she was putting that monster thing round. You know the one. It makes a horrible noise and gobbles up everything in front of it and swirls it around in its tummy for you to see. It eats more food than Sebastian but it only comes out two or three times a week. I've seen it standing in the bedroom when it isn't eating and it just stands there very quiet. I think it makes the noise when she puts its tail into the electric socket. I guess I would make a noise if my tail was put in the electric socket too.

Well she had it screaming around and eating for all it was worth nd then she did it. She moved my secret hiding place.

"Look at this" she shouted "all the straws are under here. I bet that's Casper hiding them!"

I couldn't fault her powers of deduction and thought they would be confiscated as punishment but no - they let me have them to play with and even give me the odd new one from time to time,. The new ones aren't so good cos they don't taste of anything except straws and straws don't taste too good on their own.

Well I told Max and he said he didn't care anyway because straws were for wimps. I think he is jealous of my collection. I'll show you my collection when you come and see me - just ask.

Mistaken Identity

So I was showing Sebastain this feather I had caught in the garden and telling him about my heroics and we never saw this two legs come into the house.

First I knew was when I trotted into the lounge to climb up on my play station to have 40 winks. Don't know why they call them 40 winks because it always seems like more than 40 to me although I'm not sure what a wink is!

Anyway there he was dismantling my fire and taking all those coal things off and laying them out on a blanket. I rushed to find Max who was asleep in his box upstairs. He is either in his box or if it is really cold, he will bury himself at the bottom of the duvet. He told me it was a good place to sleep unless the two legs went ona cleaning spree. A couple of times Max said he had been thrown off the bed inside the duvet when she had come up to clean the bedroom. He is getting more alert to their ways now - after 10 years!

he wasn't too impressed and told me to take charge of the matter. He said he would be down when he had finished his dream of this huge plate of smoked mackerel. I thought about joining him in that dream but realised there were bigger fish to fry downstairs - that was a pun by the way - hope you liked it!

I trotted back down and saw the two legs had now taken the fire itself out and was rubbing it. I thought he was a funny burglar if he was stealing a fire and coals. maybe there is a market for that sort of thing in two legs land?

I decided to alert the household and went and found the male two legs who was doing something on his computer - taking up my blog time of course! I am going to get a computer to myself so I don't have to wait for them to go to bed before I write to you. I tried to tell him what was happening but he was in one of those silly "I don't understand you" moods.

I ran back into the lounge hoping he would follow and find the criminal at large. He did!

"Casper don't annoy the gas man - how can he service the fire if you are in and out the coals all the time. Outside! There's a good lad"

It was all alright then. Not a thief. Just there to make me snug and warm in the Winter. These two legs are not a bad lot really!

He's Gone All Classical On Me

My two legs is really acting weird now. He keeps going about saying it's like Androcles and the Lion. Sebastian says that's some Shakespeare play from way back when before they had the Tesco shop up the end of the road.

It all started when I went for my walk. I went over a few fences and into a new garden. It was all very interesting in there and some nice plants for me to play in but one of them was all spiky and it sent these little needle things into me and they kept boring in and hurting me.

I tries scratching at them but they were kind of stuck in my fur so I couldn't get them out and they were really itching. I went home and thought the two legs would help but he was laying in the bath so I waited.

When he eventually came in I jumped on his lap and tried to show him where one of the needles was. he started stroking me and didn't seem to understand . Then I got his hand right on one and he was all concerned and trying to get it out. When he did he was all proud and told me how brave I was. It was only an itchy needle after all. But there were more.

I stayed on his lap and kept manoeuvring until he found the others and he pulled them out. He even claimed one of them had my blood on it.

Then it started. He's told everyone that it was like this Androcles and the Lion thing and how he has this rapport with the wild animals. I think he's kinda forgotten I'm just a little kitten.

Still it's better than me being in trouble for doing something naughty!

I Met Some SIngers

I was wandering around the estate the other morning when this loud whistle noise shattered the early morning quiet. I looked up and on the fence was this little feathered fellow with the reddest breast you ever did see.

"What's with all the noise?" I asked

"I'm Robbie the Robin and I'm the harbinger of Winter" he chirped back at me - a little too chirpy for my liking as it happens.

"What's a harbinger?"

"Never mind about that short legs. Let Me Entertain You" he was a real pain in the backside as Sebastian would say.

"Leave him alone and be quiet for a moment." came a command out of the palm tree next to the fence.

"Who's that?" I asked

"My very bestest friend ever in the whole world. It's Gary the goldfinch." asserted Robbie. "He's an Angel; it's such a Shame"

"What's a shame?" I asked in all innocence.

"Shame we lost each other for so long but now we have found ourselves again we will Rock DJ"

"What's DJ?" I asked feeling a bit like someone conversing with an alien.

"I've got no regrets cos I'm all Sexed Up and She's The One. Come the Morning Sun, I'll be on the Road to Mandalay. That's cos we are Strong and will remain Supreme."

"Come on" called Gary from his tree "let's get you home before the Millennium"

They flew off but not before I got a couple of pictures.

When Max Went Missing

Max told me a story the other day about when they lived far away from here and he was a young cat - not much older than me.

It made me laugh - I hope it does you.


To understand the cause and effect, you need to understand the geography of their household bed chamber at the time.

Since the arrival of a fitted bedroom (they felt they had to move up-market in the boom 1980s) a dirty linen cupboard was installed. This took the form of a large and deep pull out drawer from the dressing table unit – spacious enough to allow the female two legs the luxury of weekly washing rather than daily.

It was Friday evening and the toil of another gruelling week had taken its effect. "I shall now bathe" he announced to the female two legs. She duly checked the calendar and discovering she had neither missed his birthday nor Christmas enquired as to his motives. "Cream crackers" he replied or words to that effect - Max can be a little deaf at times.

The male two legs noticed the drawer was open and mused how sweet of his wife to prepare for his ablutions. The bath was drawn and he climbed the stairs to the bed chamber to prepare for the ritualistic cleansing. As each item of clothing was removed, it was tossed with the grace of a striptease dancer in some dingy club into the drawer and with the final sock in place the drawer was kicked shut with a karate kick for which Eric Cantona would have been proud - Max said he is a legendary footballer he once knew.

The male two legs luxuriated in the suds, dreamed of many strange and exotic things and finally - with skin as wrinkled as a prune - emerged from the tub. How nice it is to wrap oneself in warm towels after a bathe. He felt mellow. He dressed and descended to the garden where he enjoyed a post-ablution cigarette - in those days it was normal apparently for two legs to smoke.

As the evening drew on he dabbled with some computer work and settled to watch the TV. Max said the two legs were answering questions on a programme to make them millionaires and got them all right – the male went outsidefor a celebratory cigarette.

On return his wife made a supper drink and they sat reflecting on another week, the steaming coffee cups clasped in their hands. "Where's Max?" she demanded.

"Not seen him since dinner when he pinched that chicken leg off my plate".

The dawning of enlightenment. The male trotted upstairs and looked in the dirty washing receptacle. Three quarters full and festering nicely. Then it moved! A black head appeared from beneath the socks and other garments. It yawned and raised itself. One stretch and it settled back to sleep. Max had been found.

Why Are Two Legs So Awkward

I've talked it over with Sebastian and he says the same - two legs are a most peculiar and awkward breed. They just seem to go out of their way to be difficult.

There I was the other day. It had been raining for hours and I couldn't go out. I'd slept myself awake and Max and Seb were busy sleeping so I was bored. I went into see the two legs who was sat at his computer.

"Come on get off there!" I said "I've got proper work to do not playing around like you"

"Not now, Casper. I'll be with you in 5 minutes" he said

Five minutes. Doesn't two legs realise that five minutes to a cat is an eternity. There are some insects that only live for a day so saying five minutes to them is like saying I'll be there in twenty years to a two legs.

Anyway I knew when he said five minutes it was more like half an hour so I went back to my climbing frame and went for a kip on the top perch.

I had just got my head down dreaming of this wonderful plate of steaming coley and a side order of wafer thin ham when the door came crashing open and in he came

"Come on Casper - time you had a game" and plop he was on the floor rolling my toys about. He always chooses the noisiest ones when I am trying to sleep. No consideration these two legs.

"Come on, you wanted to play just now. Where are you?" Before I could answer he had me in a stomach hoist and I was lifted from my slumbers and deposited unceremoniously on the rug.

"What do you expect me to do now?" I asked

"Let's play in your tunnel then" said stupid. Can you imagine him getting into my tunnel? How can "we" play in it. It's barely big enough for Sebastian to get into.

Reluctantly I stretched and thought I had better humour him with a few rolls and chases of the ding a ling ball. It's a bit degrading for a cat of my age but I like to keep him happy.

No sooner had I joined him than he shouts that he's got cramp in his leg and he shouts and moans until the female two leg comes in and massages it for him.

I look around and all thoughts of playing have gone and he has moved back to his books and is reading again. Oh well time for me to get a blog done then.

Bath Time

Now those two legs are weird. Instead of washing themselves like we do they fill a big bucket thing with water and then get into it and lay there for hours soaking the dirt off.

Well he was gone for a long time the other morning and I thought I'd go and investigate. There was all this racket coming from behind the door to the forbidden room. I sat outside and kept shouting to be let in and eventually she came along and opened the door and I was in the place where we never go!

It was full of steam and smelled really weird - all flowers like the garden. i thought I was going to be sick at first. Then I saw him laying there with all these bubbles round him. I thought I'd go and greet him and jumped up on the edge of the thing he was laying in. he was quite pleased to see me and made all those silly noises they do. Then as I was looking at the bubbles and wondering why one arth anyone would lay in them he lifted his toe up and put a load of bubbles on my nose. Well it made me sneeze something awful and I jumped down from the edge. he lay there laughing at me and she was at the door laughing. That was it! I wasn't being laughed at when I was trying to do a friendly deed by calling on him.

I waited until she'd gone and he was laying back in the water and I jumped on the toilet seat and started scratching at his bare back. Did he move in a hurry! That was so cool.

I've told them before - you don't mess with the Casper Cat!

I'm Only Frightened of Things That Scare Me

They keep calling me a scaredy cat because of my reaction to the front door bell.

When I first came here Seb told me it was an alarm for something horrible happening and as soon as it sounds he bolts for the stairs and hides under the bed. Max tends to run behind the chair or the settee and I didn't know what to do so I decided to run and hide in the dining room.

No-one had told me this was a plan that only worked if the incoming threat went to the lounge or the upstairs. I was hiding in the dining room - in that little gap between the trolley thing that keeps food hot and the place where they put all their discs - when these big footsteps came clumping towards me. I knew it was bad by the noise of the feet. Two legs are funny aren't they. The nice two legs have dainty feet that don't make a lot of noise when they move about. The others sort of clump and stomp everywhere. I worked out two legs' noises by listening to their feet.

Anyway these clumps came towards me and I decided to run. I was making for the stairs when I saw these big trousers and a big heavy case in his hand. This was even worse than I had thought - someone coming with a case could only mean trouble for one of us. I had to tell Max and Seb quickly.

"Oh he's nice" boomed this voice as I shot through his legs narrowly avoiding an outstretched hand as he made a grab for me. Phew. made it. Then I heard the clatter and I turned to look and he had dropped his case and all these tools shot out across the floor and under the fridge and everywhere.

The two legs were making apologies and helping to pick things up. I turned back quickly and grabbed something and shot upstairs before anyone noticed.

Under the bed I told Seb about the happening. He jumped on the window sill and looked outside.

"Oh it's the gas man - he comes every year to make sure we can have warmth from those white things on the wall. He's OK; I'll just pop down and see him. He gives me a stroke while he fiddles with the black bits on the fire. He wipes his fingers on me so it doesn't show. Keeps my coat nice and black too."

Off he went leaving me feeling a bit foolish under the bed with this nice little screwdriver thing that seems to want to light up. Maybe I'll take it back to him next year if he comes again.

Isn't Instant Heat Cool

I thought it was getting a bit cold these nights and I said to Max about it. Now Max is a rather cold blooded fellow and he can feel cold in the middle of Summer so he wasn't a great deal of help.

Anyway the message must have got through to the two legs as the other evening as I was stretched out on the settee, she got on her hands and needs and fiddled with a gadget on this thing in the middle of the wall. All of a sudden it burst into flame and she stood back quite pleased with her achievement. He was stretched out in his chair and seemed equally happy.

Max had been upstairs seeking refuge beneath the duvet thing when he came trotting down and into the lounge straight past me and, plonk, there he was in front of this flame thing. Seb also came in and lay on the rug a little distance from the flames them I felt it. A surge of heat came from those flames and it was warming the room.

"what's all this?" I said to Max.

"Shut up and get a warm before it goes out."

"Where's it going? and what is it?" I asked in my usual inquisitive fashion.

"Fire, my little friend. They put it on in the cold time - well when THEY feel cold never mind how we feel. Last year they did ask me if I wanted it on once or twice but only once or twice. It should be on all the time and we could get warmed whenever we needed to" I could see this was one of Max's special moans - best not to interupt him when he is on a special moan trip.

I moved round to his side and he was roasting. His fur was reed hot.

"Oi you're keeping the warmth off me. get your own patch. This is mine!"

I knew better than to argue so I went and laid with Seb and wondered at how that heat suddenly came in. Looks like a nice Winter coming!

A Night On The Tiles

I was having a little snooze in the garage with my mate Sebastian when I was awoken by Louie next door pounding about on the gravel. I asked Seb if he wanted to come and see her and he said No and went back to sleep. So off I went on my own.

I jumped over the fence and landed next to Louie.

"What's happening?" I asked

"We're going to have a rave." she whispered back.

"Who is? and what's a rave?" I asked in all innocence.

"If you don't know about these things perhaps you're too young to come then" she snorted looking down her nose at me.

"No no it's fine. Just wondered who was coming and where |I should say I was going."

"You don't tell anyone about it fuddle brain. It's secret - no-one must know!"

I followed in chided silence.

We climbed over another fence - there's a lot of these end of the world fences about aren't there. I guess the world ends in a lot of places. The I saw her tail slide over another fence and down into a garden. There was a lot of greeting and excited hellos going on. I guessed this was where the rave was going to be.

I slid down the same fence and met Lily - my Mum and Bluebell - my sister and a big grey tabby cat who kept looking at me and Lily and sniggering to her.

"Why's he here?" asked the big fellow.

"He's alright - a bit simple - but alright" reassured Louie.

We sat there for ages scratching and licking each other and talking about two legs and their funny ways.

Then suddenly Lily said she had to go and her and the big fellow disappeared into the twilight. Gosh it was getting dark - very dark.

"Come on Bluebell. Hurry up or you'll be lost!" a voice called out from the dark and Bluebell was gone.

Just me and Louie left. I turned to ask her about the way home and all I heard was a faint ringing of her collar bell. She'd gone too.

I didn't know where I was or how to get home. I knew it involved fences but there were so many and they all looked alike. Then I heard it. In the mid distance I heard my male two legs calling my name.

I followed the voice and climbed a fence and jumped. I was on top of that glass house thing and it was all wet and slippy and I could just make him out at the bottom of it calling me. I thought there was only one thing for it so I slid down the glass and into his arms where he held me and said he was so pleased to see me and that I was OK.

He carried me indoors - a bit of overkill I thought - and she was just the same.

"Where have you been for 5 hours, I thought you were hurt"

I remembered what Louie said and kept quiet. I remembered in the middle of the evening Max had come calling but we all kept very quiet and didn't tell him where we were. Maybe he had been looking for me to stop me getting into trouble??

I think I'm grounded right now.

You Put Your Left Leg In

Did I tell you about my mate Louie?

She lives on the other side of the road to me. It's dangerous to get over there because all these cars and stuff come roaring round and only Max is brave enough to go over there. My Mum Lily does too but then she goes everywhere - she's not scared of anything.

Well Louie is this pretty little girl cat - she's older than my Mum but not as old as Max and Sebastian. Sebastian said he used to like her but she thought he was too old for her. Anyway she comes over to see us and she likes to go in next door's garden where there's all these trees and stuff and that big puddle of water where there are supposed to be giant fishes.

This morning I was on the fence that marks the end of the world and I saw Louie down in the garden next door

"Where you going?" I called

"I'm off to play eye in the sky with those fish in the big puddle" she said. "Should you be up there? You're only little."

That did it. I wasn't having anyone tell me I was too little to do something; so I jumped down into the garden with her. My feet hurt because he's got this pebble stuff all over his garden and not the soft grass we have. I didn't let Louie know it hurt.

"Now you just go and sit quietly by the puddle and you say 'the eye in the sky has come for you' and the daft things come up to look. That's when you grab them">

"What do I do when I grab it?" I asked - a novice at this game.

"You eat it of course stupid. What do you think you do? Play croquet with it?"

Not impressed I followed Louie and we sat by the puddle and she started this weird chant she'd taught me. I joined in and very soon a little face came up out of the water.

"What the Hell are you doing you silly sausages. What are eyes in the sky?" a rather plump goldfish was addressing us.

I was sort of taken by surprise and stepped back and put my foot in the water right up to my bum and it was all cold and wet and murky.

"Don't disturb the water stupid!" moaned the fish. "We can't breath when it's all muddied up like that. If you want to swim go somewhere else this is for us fish only"

Louie mooched off up the gravel and left me at the fish's wrath.

I made a run for the fence climbed up and went over to home where my two legs were eating dinner.

"Have you fallen in the pond, Casper?" she asked "You haven't eaten his fish have you?"

What a silly question. You couldn't eat that tough old boot.

At least I got a rub down in a nice warm fluffy towel and a bit of chicken to cheer me up. Remind me not to go out with that Louie any more - she's trouble!

I Must Tell The Tooth

I can't stop laughing.

You should have seen them this morning. You see the female two legs puts this thing in her mouth with teeth on it when she goes out. When she is indoors she takes it out and outs it in a glass of water. I don't know whether it gets thirsty or what, but it sits on top of the microwave looking at me.

Max told me to go and play with it.

"It won't bite" he said. I think it was his idea of a joke - I didn't laugh at that.

Well this morning they were going out and he was doing his bit filling the car with all sorts of stuff. Cushions, water butt, stools, more plastic than they have in Tesco's and she was indoors looking around.

She looked everywhere.

"Just off up the dump" I heard him appraise the neighbours. Then I saw him making a fuss of my sister- Bluebell. I wanted tog et out there and have a word but the chaos indoors was fun.

He went in to see where she was and she said the immortal words.

"I can't find my tooth!"

That started the most amazing game of hunt the tooth I have ever seen. Max and Seb and I went around following them and we were laughing so much my tummy ached. They looked in the fridge, the freezer, all the cupboards, the microwave, that thing that keeps stuff hot when she has loads more two legs come to eat. Everywhere.

"I'll have to look in the bins when we get back" he snorted and off they went.

I sat down with Max and Seb - they had just been over to that vet person to have a needle stuck up their bottoms for some immunisation. Sebastian was most put out and said the missing tooth was divine retribution. He's very learned at times and says some profund things. I think he must have been a scholarly kitten. We never discuss his upbringing.

Then I heard the front door open and in they came. He was puffing and pantng from whatever he had done at the dump and immediately began a fresh search. The same cupboards, fridge, freezer as if the tooth had walked back in there while they had gone out! Two legs are silly.

Then he gave that Eureka cry - not Ulrika from that TV programme!

"Here's the glass!" he shouted in triumph pointing to an upturned vessel hanging on the serving fork in the cutlery box. It was hanging there very nicely like an apple hanging on a tree. I thought it was a very idyllic moment.

"Where's the tooth?" she asked. He lifted the cutlery out of the wooden box and pointed tot his forlorn specimen laying in the bottom of the rather sodden box.

"That must have been Casper going for a drink last night and knocking it over" she declared with a menace in her voice.

My laughter ceased immediately and I made for the settee and slunk behind it out of harms way. I could just see him put the tooth glass up on a shelf over the kettle. I am not sure how I am going to reach it up there but I'll have to give it a go.

When Dreams Come Real

I didn't tell you before because I knew you would think I was silly or I was under the influence of that stuff they give you at the vets. I know it's not good stuff but it makes you go all light headed and see those lovely big bowls of fish floating around.

but while I was there this absolutely huge thing came in. It was like a horse only skinnier and hairier. When I went to speak to it, it barked and the whole building shook and I thought I was going to be deaf for life. The nurse lady said not to worry it because it was poorly and needed to rest. If something that big says it's going to rest - I'm not about to be the one to argue with it.

It was just around then that I had my injection and went to sleep. When I woke up there was no sign of this gigantic thing and I thought I might have dreamed it but I knew what I had seen.

Anyway I was up on the greenhouse roof talking across the fence to my sister Bluebell when I saw it again. It came by with two two legs and it was on a leash. I think it must have been taking them for a walk as they were running along behind and looking very exhausted. I guess whatever it had done to it, it was OK. I don't think they gave it anything to stop it growing though.

I said to Bluebell had she seen it and her poor little eyes nearly popped out of her head. She's a lot smaller than me you know and these things tend to worry the girls more than they do us fellows. I told her not to worry and I would see it off if it came up onto our end of the world fence. She seemed a bit more relaxed.

I'm glad I wasn't dreaming but it is a it big. Don't tell Bluebell but if it does come up on our fence I'm not going to tell it to get down. I might run up that banana tree and hide.

Life's OK You Know

I was let out today. I made a fuss at first but then I went about my normal business.

I had a chat with Percy who was pecking away for worms.

"Where you been then little one? Haven't seen you out here for a couple of days" he enquired mid peck.

"They took me to the vet place for a nasty operation and now I'm not what I once was" I whimpered. Percy is the sort of person who invites you to confide in him.

"Know all about that little one. They do it to your sort all the time. Stops you chasing us birds you know." He didn't raise his eyes from the ground as he spoke.

"Really? I didn't know that. Max said it was about having kittens and stuff"

"What would he know? Never been outside his own back yard has he. No I know these things. Been around you see. When I was a carrier pigeon for the army I learned so many secrets they would ahve had to shoot me if I was human"

"Gosh, I never knew you were in the war Percy - I didn't think you were old enough - not like my two legs indoors"

"Ah lad, looks are deceptive don't you know. I'm 308 years old but you would never know looking at me. Still look as good as I ever did."

"Weren't you once a peacock?" I reminded him. "Weren't you very splendid then?"

"Don't be cheeky and don't contradict your elders. If you start that nonsense I shall leave you to those cats to educate you and then you'll be in a mess"

"Sorry Percy"

Percy looked up at a flight of passing sea gulls.

"They're off to rummage through the council tip. Think I might go and join them. See you later little one."

Without pausing for breath, Percy took to the air and circled round in search of the sea gulls who had gone out of the sky with their fast flying. As he soared upwards a Percy message fell to the ground beside me. I was quick thinking enough to dive for cover. Max stood at the patio doors smirking at me.

"You'll never learn with him will you Cas?" he chortled.

No Joy - Nothing Back

I lay awake all night last night. Well I didn't actually lay. I was jumping about on the two legs so they didn't sleep. Not after what they did to me.

They are keeping me prisoner now. I am not allowed to go out into the garden even and as for going to the end of the world and beyond - that is strictly off limits.

Max told me my Mum Lily had been round while I was away and she wanted to know what was wrong because she saw me go off in my basket cage. Max told her what was happening - there are some things us boys would prefer our Mums not to know but that's Max for you; always willing to tell anyone anything. Actually I was quite impressed that Lily had come to see how I was because we usually fight with each other but I guess she really likes me deep down.

I was playing with my sister the other day - we went right up on the roof of Lily's two legs's conservatory. We nearly touched the sky up there. I thought yesterday it was a good job that was before the vet did what she did or else they would all have seen I hadn't got what I should. I have to be so careful now in what I show and where I show it. Bet they didn't think about that when they gaily said go for it to the vet.

Anyway I had a check again today - well actually I check every few minutes - but nothing had grown back so I guess it is a case of saying goodbye to that for ever now.

Sorry can't stop - just seen a big buzzing fly in the utility room - got to go and chase that!

It's Happened - They've Gone!

What a day!

I don't know what I did wrong but boy was I punished.

I went to bed last night with no supper. I kept waking them up in the night to tell them my biscuits weren't where they should be and all they did was that silly - "oh what a good boy" routine and then they turned over and went back to sleep. I told Max and Seb about no food and they just looked knowingly at each other nodded and said their's was locked away in the toilet and not to worry.

Not to worry! How silly. There I was starving through the night likely to wake up in the morning just a shadow - I thought then they'd be sorry they hadn't bothered to feed me. Imagine if I just walked about as a shadow from now on. That would teach them.

When morning came I trotted downstairs with the female two legs quite willing to forgive her for a bowl of tuna and all she did was usher Max and Seb into the tioliet and tell me what a good boy I was and not to worry. Not to worry! Here I was a mere skeleton walking and all she could say was not to worry.

Then he came down and I saw it. Out came that basket thing they use to carry me anywhere unpleasant. I shot behind the settee. "Don't worry it won't be long Casper". Don't worry! I'm off to that vet place starving and they say it won't be long. What won't be long?

Then the realisation hit me. Today was the day for that operation. I shuddered for a moment and that was it. I was whisked up and shot into the basket. All credit to him; I was only off guard for a second but he took full advantage.

Off we went and next thing I was in with this female two legs in uniform. I must admit I like a two legs in uniform but not so sure here.

"Has he eaten in the last 24 hours?" she asked obviously oblivious to my emaciated body.

"No," I said "not in 24 days it feels like"

"Because we can't operate if he has had anything in the last 24 hours"

"I had a mammoth supper of kippers and sardines and then I had a midnight feast of tuna and I've just had 3 bowls of biscuits!" I shouted.

"OK then. If he's had nothing we'll take him in and do it. He should be out in 8 hours or so".

Was she deaf? Was she not listening to me? I put on my most bloated look and tried to summon up a satisfied belch to convince her. Too late my two legs were out the door and gone leaving me to my fate.

She stuck a needle in me and the room swam. I remember seeing this giant bowl of fish coming towards me. It was all pink everywhere. I was warm.

When i woke up I was in this cage thing next to another boy cat. The giant bowl of fish had gone and so had something else much closer to home I looked down and felt very embarrassed.

"Mine's gone too" came the voice from next door.

"Why?" I whimpered

"Don't know mate but just think what fun we'll have when it's out turn to do it to them!"

I went back to sleep and woke up back at home with the two legs. I thought it had all been a dream until I had a tentative look down below. Nope. It wasn't there.

Max and Seb have been really nice to me since. Guess I'm just like them now.

Did I Have a Turn!

I was out this morning having a stroll taking the airs when I thought about a little adventure. I climbed over the end of the world fence and went down the rows until I got to that nice bit of shady tree where you can sit and watch without being seen.

I must have dropped of because next thing I heard was the two legs calling my name. normally I trot back to see what they want and she gives me some biscuits or a treat and says how good I am to come. I'll stay put I thought to myself!

Over time the calling got more frantic then I saw him don his shoes and go wandering down the streets calling my name - he did look funny and it was all I could do not to give the game away by chortling. He walked right under my tree without a thought of looking up. I was going to jump on him and then I thought no.

They went home and I think they forgot about me so I got a bit cold and lonely and hungry and thought I'd better trot back on my own. Half way along the fence that separates the world from it's end I met my Mum. Now we don't see eye to eye on most things. Well to be truthful on anything. She swears at me and I spit at her. But there she was in the middle of the divider between here and there.

I made a sudden decision and jumped over her head and onto that glasshouse thing they have in the garden. I was on the absolute peak of it and could look down on Mum and the rest of the world. Of course the commotion brought the 2 legs out and there was much questioning of where I'd been. I wanted them to shut up and decide how I was going to get from where I was never mind where I'd been.

As soon as I moved onto that glass stuff my legs wouldn't work and I slid about like those silly people who go dancing on ice on television. He took charge and was telling me to come to him and he would catch me. I've seen that before and just as you get there they walk away and you crash land on your bum. No way was he getting me like that - so we had another stand off.

I was now very hungry, quite called and busting to go to pee. Isn't it always the way - when you are somewhere where it is impossible to go to pee - you need to go real bad.

After a lot of thought I decided to trust him and I slid down the glass towards his arms. To my surprise he didn't walk away but he leant out, caught me in mid-slither and lifted me to safety. I did the only thing possible at the time and bit his arm leapt to the ground and made for a quick pee in my box.

When I got there I didn't really want to go after all. I am still a bit jittery about that slide but he was OK catching me - not sure about whether to bite him next time.

Help Me Please

Oh my Gosh I just heard him on the phone.

He was talking to those vet people and I heard him say that I am going over there on Monday to lose my special bits.

I don't know what to do.

I thought about running away but I haven't got anywhere to go. My Mum just spits at me when she sees me in the garden and my Sister said she had her bits taken a few weeks ago so it seems the two legs round here like to do that to us.

I had been checking things out at the end of the world when I went over the fence but it's kind of scary there and it seems that it rains there a lot. Plus that two leg next door keeps a big puddle with fish in it and he keeps a lid on the puddle so the fish can't get out. I think I'll go and talk to them and see if I can live in their puddle and keep my bits. the fish seem ok even though they go right to the bottom of their puddle when they see me.

Max told me they were nice with a bit of Go Kat - don't know what he was talking about but that's Max.

Anyway if you have any ideas between now and Monday let me know - I have got quite attached to my bits and don't really want to lose them. Max said they give them to you to bring home in an egg cup. That's not where I want mine

I Won Hide & Seek

I am so proud of myself

You remember I said about the male two legs having this birthday party. I thought he was 09 years old and Max said 60 - well Max was right! It started with this big balloon that someone got him and it was full of this gas that sends it up to the sky. They kept saying not to suck the gas as it made you talk all high pitched and squeaky so.........

Well this was up on the ceiling just out of my reach and I got so annoyed that I couldn't get it. Max and Sebastian said forget it but I wanted it. I kept watch and gradually it started to lose air or gas or whatever it is.

Well they went off to bed one night and I managed to get on the edge of the settee and jump and catch hold of the string thing and pull it down. It was really nice and I sucked some of the air and I got this very high pitch purr. I went to tell Max but he said it was late and I should go to sleep. Seb just grunted at me in his sleep. He snores a lot - bit like the female two legs only deeper. Maybe he should have somne of that balloon gas?

Well I thought about what to do all night as I lay there holding on to the string and purring higher pitched than ever. Then it came to me. I tool the balloon away and put it in my secret hiding place - so secret I'm not even telling you where it is!

Anyway I was downstairs a couple of days later and the observant male two legs suddenly asked the female one what she had done with his balloon. Nothing she said - thought you had thrown it out.

Then he had a frantic search for it - behind chairs and everything. Then he looked at me and asked if I had eaten it - silly fellow. I put my very innocent face on and looked at him and almost purred - then I remembered that would give the game away - so i rolled on my back like Seb does and he came and stroked mea nd called me a good boy - if only he knew!!

I keep going back to check on it and it's getting smaller and smaller - do you know of anything that I can give it to make it grow again?

I've been Fighting

I love to have a bit of a rough and tumble with my mates Max and Sebastian but Sebastian says he is getting old and doesn't want to be roughed up. I told him it will keep him young and besides he has a fight with Max every so often so why can't he fight me.

I like to run through my tunnel when he isn't looking and jump out on him and turn him over. He swears at me and sometimes hits me with his huge paws. First time he sent me flying across the room and he got kind of worried but I sprung up and leapt on him again.

So I was out in the garden the other day - sitting in this tent thing they put up for his birthday party when this cat came along the fence all jingling and pretty. I looked closely and realised it was my Mum. I went over to see her but she swore at me and told me to go away. I guessed she was playing so I jumped on the fence and chased her.

I don't think she was playing coz she turned round and started a full on fight with me. I asked her not to be rough as I'm only little - well little in years if not in size, but she went for it.

We ended up in the neighbour's runner beans having a good old chase and scrap. He came out and shouted but I wasn't going to let him join in - he was too big. So Lily - that's my Mum - and me went up the fence again and carried on our fight above the gardens.

She's a strong fighter for a girl cat. I'm well tired now so I'm going to have a snooze with Sebastian. He said he was tired out after coming downstairs for his breakfast

Its Not Just Rain That's Wet

I was wandering around the garden in search of some amusement when I heard the female two legs say she was going to water the greenhouse. I thought that was silly myself because the greenhouse never grows but she knows best.

I watched as she went to the tap and turned it on and took the long snake all the way to the greenhouse. She twisted the snake's neck and then I heard water going everywhere in the greenhouse. I heard Max squeal and run out. he likes to have a sleep in between the cucumber plants and it gets really warm in there - he likes the warmth.

I was watching the drips come out of the other end of the snake where she had tied it to the tap. She's got a big bucket under the tap to catch the drips and I sometimes go and drink out of it. It's nice and cold the water there - not like the stuff they leave about indoors. That gets all warm and horrible to drink. Anyway I was thinking about a little tipple to slake my thirst when I wondered about what happened to this end of the snake if he wasn't tied to the tap. I gave it a tap and nothing happened. A couple more and still nothing. Then I gave it a big tap swinging on the snake and it all came away from the tap.

It flooded all over the path and over me and I heard a voice from the greenhouse saying "Have you switched the tap off?"

"No!" I thought "But I wish someone would - I'm getting soaked!"

Then he came out and saw me and saw how wet I was. He laughed. Now that is very rude. We cats don't appreciate being laughed at especially when we are in difficulties. I waited until he was near enough and rubbed my wet body all against his legs.

"Oh OK mate I'll dry you." He soothed thinking I was asking for that. I just wanted to let him know how cold wet water feels on your legs.

Still I got a nice rub down with the big fluffy towel and she cuddled me to warm me up. They still think the snake shot off the tap by itself. Don't let on will you.