Cappy New Year

Now I am sorry if my typing is a bit slurred but I had to come on to wish you all a Happy New Year. The problem is I don't know when the right time to do it is. You see the Australian told me it was already tomorrow where she lives but it is only yesterday elsewhere so if I say Happy New Year now some of you will think I am very late in sending my greetings and others of you will think I am very early. Hopefully some of you will say that Casper is bang on time.

Talking of bang I think my belly is going to explode any minute. I had all that turkey over Christmas than old two legs says "I'm fed up with turkey - give it to Casper!"

"Cheers!" I thought "What do you take me for a feline dustbin?"

"Anyway then they found these Xmas puddings at the back of the cupboard. They are very nice with a  saucer of cream and some of that brandy butter. Well the brandy butter led to a sherry to toast the Queen and then some champagne to toast something else and I lost all track of what I was toasting and everything else for that matter.

Luckily I found a nice seat on the sofa and decided to sleep there until they stopped spinning the room round.

Glad this only comes round once a year. Have a good one!

So This Is Christmas

They have been making all this fuss about Christmas and what do I find? I have to put a silly red hat on and pretend to deliver all the presents and then all the two legs come round and start kissing me and cooing and saying silly things to me. Well I quickly put a stop to all that.

First off one of the little two legs - well to be honest he isn't that little just younger than the others - he comes up to me and goes all silly "Thank you Casper for my present" he says bending forward to kiss me.

Well I wasn't having any of that so I quickly put on my vicious face and hissed at him. He jumped back with such fright I nearly laughed my little socks off.

Then old two legs comes up and gives me some chews - now they are very tasty and I like a nice chew - and then he is bending over me saying "Thank Daddy for your present and give him a kiss"

"Oh yes" I thought . "I don't do kisses mate!" so just as he bends forward I up with my paw and swipe him on the lip. he yelps like a little girl and starts shouting about losing blood and needing stitches. What a wimp!

I decided the best thing was to go to bed and sleep until they had finished all their silliness and only then would I put in an appearance.

Happy Christmas to you too!

The Gift of Christmas

Earlier in the year my two legs dressed the house up with cobwebs and ghoulies and spiders and all sort of things nasty and when the little two legs came knocking at the door they gave them sweets and the little two legs all shrieked with delight. I remembered that.

When the two legs started to pack away all that stuff I formulated my plan to give them a thrill of their own. I love to see it when they jump up and down with delight - they are such cute creatures when they get excited.

I was watching the two legs wrapping up all their presents for the annual exchange when that vision of the shrieking with delight came back to me. I waited until they went to bed the night before Christmas and I went to find my gift which I had hidden in my secret little corner. I found it with ease and ran upstairs with it and looked for where to leave it so they would find it when they woke up. I chose her pillow.

I went off to my chair to sleep and wait for the morning and when they would be so grateful to me.

I heard the alarm go followed by a shrill shriek. It wasn't quite the same as the ones the little two legs gave out.

"Did you put that thing on my pillow in the night?" I heard her shout at old two legs as he lay there dozing/

"No it was my Christmas present to you"

"No I did not!" he shouted back "What is it anyway?"

"It's my gift to you both this year"

"It's a bloody spider!"

"No it's not. I was careful not to hurt it"

"Oh it's one of those plastic ones from Halloween. Casper must have found it and brought it up" Well at least old two legs had realised it was my gift.

"Well I can do without that sort of scare when I am waking up on Christmas morning" she exclaimed.

I thought that next year I won't bother. All the planning and good will dismissed in an instant. I tell you it makes you wonder if it is worth it all

A Little Light Reading

So there I was sitting in the armchair having a casual read of the newspaper as you do on a dull wet Sunday morning when all Hell breaks loose.

"What have you done with the TV guide?" I hear him shout from afar

"It's here in my paper" I answer helpfully

"It's where you left it" comes the female retort.

"You must have moved it. It was on the table last time I had it"

"Well didn't you have supper on the table last night? You must have cleared it off" she responds.

"No. It's here I'm reading it right now" I offer helpfully.

"I didn't move it. I was dishing up the soup. You laid the table. You must have moved it!"

"What do you want it for anyway. It's not 12 o'clock yet?" comes the logical female question.

Now I wonder if there is something in the two legs world that says they cannot read the TV listings until after 12 o'clock. Maybe they turn into a piece of cheese if they do. Max loves his cheese. Me, I'm not so keen on it. I find it makes me dream and then I get the fidgets and when I jump it wakes me up and then I have to go to the loo and then I have trouble getting back to sleep. No I leave cheese alone.

"I want to know when the football starts. It might be the lunch-time match or it might be 4 o'clock" he whines plaintively.

"Well if that's all put the TV on and find out"

"Liverpool kick off at 1:30" I offer helpfully turning the pages.

"Always have to do things myself when there should be an easy way" old two legs loves a good moan!

The TV set whirrs into life and the little two legs in there are busy scurrying about - I guess they are looking for their own TV guide. Suddenly there is a blue flash on the screen and two legs lets out a sigh.

"1:30 kick off so I'll have dinner on my lap please" he shouts through the wall. Now there's a strange thing. He wants dinner on his lap and yet when I jump on his lap and cause him to spill stuff on his lap he gets all angry and shouts. These two legs are strange creatures!

"Casper, what are you doing there with the paper?"

"Just having a restful morning."

"You've got the TV guide. Why can't you leave things alone. I've been searching high and low for that for hours!"

As if I didn't know. I'm giving up reading

Popped out for a Drink

Well me and Max were feeling a bit at a loss for something to do the other day. it had rained for days on end and there was no way we could go out in that I mean you get wet in rain. Max is quite happy to come back and be wrapped up in a big fluffy warm towel but I am a bit too virile for that and like to have a rub on the sofa to dry off - don't want those two legs doing too much for me.

Well the rained had stopped and I said to max how about a trip over to the farm. He was a bit reluctant as it is a long walk but I assured him we could have some rests on the way and I promised not to run off and leave him anywhere. He was persuaded so off we went. We left Sebastian indoors because he gets a bot puffed on long walks and he isn't too keen on the farm - he says it reminds him to much of fresh air and countryside and he would rather not.

We had a nice walk over there through the playing field and into the woods and then over the lane and into the first of the farmer's fields. It was very muddy and Max had a couple of moments where his paws got struck and we thought he was going to be swallowed by the mud but he was very stoic and we reached the sheds just as the farmer was doing unmentionable things to the cows. I told Max to look away but he was riveted on what was happening.

Suddenly the farmer saw us standing there. "Come on Moggies come and have a drink!"

We moved up to where he was sitting and sat beside him.

"Get ready to catch!" he chortled and fired the cow's teat right at us. I instinctively rose to my back feet and opened my mouth and this jet of warm creamy milk hit my throat. It was like nectar.

"What about you Skinny?" the farmer laughed talking to Max. To my amazement Max reared up like me and took a full teat's worth in one gulp. I stood up for more and the farmer obliged before giving Max second helpings too.

"Now clear off the pair of you!" he shouted pretending to throw his hat at uys.

We scuttled out and into the yard and up onto a bale of hay. We lay there in the weak afternoon sun with full warm bellies and Max sighed.

"Thanks Casper you're a good lad to bring me out with you. I feel full" In moments I heard his gentle snoring. It's nice to give the old folks a treat every so often isn't it?

Christmas Is Coming

I heard the two legs the other day say "Christmas is coming and the goose is getting fat"

Seemed a stupid thing to say when they haven't got a goose so how would they know if it was getting fat or not and why would that signify Christmas. I decided to ask the sage about it all. Max was a bit down that morning. He had rushed to get breakfast only to find that Sebastian has taken to sleeping downstairs so he gets a head start on breakfast while Max is still plodding down stairs

I told Max I could get the box of biscuits off the top shelf if he helped me in my quest and I had his undivided attention for two minutes. That's about as good as it gets with Max. His mind wanders off onto other things very quickly.

"Well you see the two legs feed up their geese all through the year and then when it is nice and fat and then they wring its neck and eat it fro dinner on Christmas Day"

"But our two legs haven't got a goose so do they go hungry on Christmas Day and what happens if the goose decides to go to Weight Watchers and loses weight and isn't fat by Christmas?"

"You always make problems Casper. If they haven't got a goose they buy a turkey and and if the goose is thin it stays until next year because you know what you take off in weight one year you put back the next!"

"So when do they go to Turkey and what becomes of us when they go and is Turkey further away that Tesco's?"

"They go to Tesco to get the turkey and we get some of it too; when it's all nice and warm and oozing juices and got stuffing in the middle and bacon on the skin and a sausage up its bum"

"OMG they are awful these two legs - fancy sticking a sausage up a turkey's bum why do they do that?"

"Adds flavour and they call it the parson's nose. No Casper don't even start to ask about that and no they don't stick a sausage up the parson's nose or he wouldn't be able to do his bit in church would he?"

Sometimes I think poor old Max gets a bit confused so I let it be.

It reminded me though of when I was out in the Summer over by the farm and I met little Fluffball who was sitting on the bench with two geese. I wonder if they are fat and going to be on someone's table this Christmas or I wonder if Fluffball ate them there and then. I'm glad I'm not a goose!

Why Is Winter Warm?

Now Max is always moaning about the cold and has been on about how we are going to freeze when Winter comes. The other day he told me Winter was here and I thought I ought to make preparations if I was going to freeze.

I was wandering about looking for suitable blankets and things to wrap myself in when I chanced upon those radiator things the two legs have in every room. Now all through the year they sit there - the radiators that is not the two legs - although they do tend to sit about quite a bit. The radiators don't ever move or seemingly eat anything. Funny creatures they are.

Now I have passed by them many times during the year and being a polite cat I always say good morning to them and rub up against them. They never respond to me and are always cold as charity sitting there. i guess they must get very bored never doing anything but sit there. I did see old two legs put some paint on them once - I suppose he was trying to brighten their day.

So this morning I walked by and said my usual good morning and I heard a bit of a rumble come from the radiator's stomach. I was quite surprised and went back and rubbed against it. It was warm, bordering on hot, I shouted to Max who came and smiled and curled up immediately underneath it. Sebastian nudged his bed over towards it and when he found it too tiring just collapsed into his bed in the middle of the room.

I jumped up on top and found a lovely warm sleeping place.

I wonder why they are only hot in Winter - like I said radiators are funny creatures.

Visitors!!

Am I angry!

We have had this two leg arrive from Australia - now Max said she would walk upside down but she doesn't. In fact she is quite like the other two legs except she has this funny voice but I don't know too much more than that. You see I was locked out of my home.

I asked my personal shopper to get me some of my favourite biscuits and when they arrived she took them straight out into the garage and I didn't get any. Well then this Australian arrived and there was all sorts of commotion going on and I still didn't get any of my biscuits.

Apparently this visitor was going to sleep in the back bedroom where I like to doze on sunny days but I didn't mind too much as it is dark and Winter right now. Old two legs said he would switch the searchlight off so that it didn't wake the visitor during the night when my mates come calling. Now I knew this was my chance.

He got up and went for the garage key and opened the door and leaned in to switch the light off. As he did so I slipped through his legs and into the garage. Quickly he shut the door and locked it and I sniffed around until I found the large sack of biscuits. Old two legs had been thoughtful and opened it before putting it away. I nudge the top open and was soon munching on my biscuits - they tasted good,

After a while I thought I would pop back indoors to the warm fire but the garage door was locked. I could see the light where all the two legs were sitting talking but they couldn't see me. I cried out but they couldn't hear me.

I was trapped. Lucky I had my stash of biscuits or I could have starved to death.

Do you know it was 6 hours later before two legs came looking for me and opened the garage door and let me out. I sidled up to him barely able to walk through starvation and dehydration.

"Oh there you are Casper - wondered where you had been hiding!"

I Killed The Snowman

Now life is getting a bit complicated. You see this two legs that knows my personal shopper lives ion the other side of the world in a place called Australia. Now Max tells me that because that is directly underneath us the two legs down there walk upside down. Anyway this two legs has said she is coming to stay for Christmas because she wants to see it snow - they don't have snow down there. Well max said if they did the snow would probably fall upwards and get stuck up their noses.

Well old two legs decided he would go out and build a snowman ready for when this upside down two legs arrives. He actually did a good job and I heard him shout out to my personal shopper

"Have you got a carrot for his nose?"

I wondered why he needed a carrot for the snowman's nose and I thought he must have stuck his finger up it when he was building it and given the snowman a nose bleed and now he wanted to stick a carrot up it to stop it bleeding. The carrot was duly passed out the window and I saw old two legs ram it up the snowman's nostril. I bet that hurt.

Two legs admired his work and commented to the personal shopper that the upside downer would appreciate that when she flew in and that it would make her feel all festive. These upside downers seem pretty clever if they can fly. My two legs here can't fly.

Well I got to talking about it all to Sebastian and he said it was not a good thing to shove a carrot up your nose. he said it could stop you breathing and you could die.

I went outside to see how the snowman was doing and he still had the carrot rammed up his nose and he wasn't moving or saying a word. I remembered Sebastian's cautionary tale and decided to act fast. I jumped up onto the snowman's shoulder and pawed the carrot out of his nose. Tragedy! His shoulder disintegrated and his head fell off. I killed him and the carrot didn't.

I am keeping out of the way until the investigation has completed

Ahoy Shipmates

You don't know how lucky you are to be reading this. I nearly wasn't here. I thought I was sailing away for a year and a day like that bird and cat that went to see and got married. But I am ahead of myself. Now that is a funny saying isn't it? If you were ahead of yourself could you see yourself coming and if you could and there was some danger could you stop yourself from going into the danger even though you were already in it? Answers on a  postcard please care of old two legs!

I was having a wander round the estate when I thought what a lovely fresh crisp morning it was and how nice it would be to take a stroll down to the river bank. Often when I go down there I meet up with Victor Vole or Crazy Connie Coot and we have a little chat and run around. The exercise is good and I quite enjoy a conversation with someone other than Max and Sebastian from time to time. I am not saying Max and Sebastian are boring but a change is as good as a rest as a wise old cat once told me.

I got down to the river bank and was walking along where the boats are moored up when Crazy Connie and her family shot out from some weeds.

"What you doing down here this time of year, Casper?" she called

"Just came for a stroll as it was nice. Keeping well? you and the family?"

"Never better. Hop up on that boat there and we'll have a natter. I think Junior has still got half a worm he found yesterday. We can share that if you like"

I declined the food but hopped up onto the wooden seat and settled down for a chat but the sun was warm and Connie tends to natter on and on. Before I knew where I was I was in a nice snooze. I was having a lovely dream about a mountain of tuna and as I ate more and more of it the sicker I began to feel, I opened an eye and there was no sign of Connie and the chicks. The boat was tossing up and down and there was the smell of a tobacco pipe in the air. I felt quite queasy.

"My Gawd, where be you a coming from to land there in my boat?" boomed this voice from a wizened face, the pipe at a jaunty angle from the mouth.

"Er I was having a sleep and you must have set sail sir"

"Ye must've been drowsing in the boat while i were a casting off. Now we're on the high seas. Hope thou be a good sailor. I can't be doing with sickness on the waves"

I put on my most hurt expression and immediately felt a retching come from deep within. The old sea dog looked at me. "We only be in the bay and you be sick already. You aren't no ship's cat are ye? Best put you ashore before you frighten all the fish around"

With that he turned for the shore and set me off in just a few inches of water.

I ran all the way home and curled up on the fluffy towel. Last adventure for me for a while!

I Compared The Market

Old two legs has been pushing me off my computer so he can go and do this insurance stuff. I don't fully understand it but it seems he pays somebody to make sure no bad things happen and they send him a meerkat in return. I heard him telling my mate Terry the postman that he was expecting a meerkat from Meerkovo and that it was currently in Amsterdam where it had fallen off its bike into a canal and was waiting to dry off before it could get to England. Terry just humoured him and said OK and that he would watch out for it.

I think it is a bit cruel to send meerkats through the post like that because when they go through the franking machine they get a terrific whack on their head and it can send them a bit funny. Maybe that's what happened to Max, I shall have to ask him where he came from.


Well there was great excitement the other day when Terry arrived with 3 boxes addressed to two legs. There was much tearing of cardboard and opening of boxes and gasps of delight

"It's Alexander. Oh my it's Yakov. Hey look it's Bogdan!"

And there they all were on the lounge floor as large as life. I thought I ought to make myself known to them and next thing we were out in the estate grounds to have our photo taken. Can you spot me?

I Remember When

I was out for a stroll at lunch time and I saw something that took me back in time to when i was a young kitten. It's a shame we can't be young when we have the wisdom of having been around a while. I often say to Max and Sebastian that if I knew now what they know now I would know ten times more than they knew.

Anyway there I was walking along the fence tops round the surrounding estates when i cam upon Claudia's garden. I hadn't seen her for a while and rumour had it that she had met up with old Tom up the street one night and got herself into a bit of trouble. I've never been one to listen to idle gossip and rumour but you can't help wondering and I thought I'd pop in and see how things were.

I got to their fence and you could have knocked me off with a feather. There were three kittens in the garden playing in the washing on the line and there was Claudia laying back admiring their work.

She looked up and saw me and hurriedly spoke "Looking after them for a friend while she goes into town!" she said waving a paw at the kittens.

"Lovely little fellows - they look so much like you I thought they were yours!"

"Good lord no. Well I mean I have no regular partner, the two legs here wouldn't like that. They think of me as very respectable"

I wondered if Claudia thought anyone would really believe the caring for them story but it wasn't for me to upset the apple-cart.

"Will your friend be long in town?"  I enquired carrying on the pretence.

"She has moved up there so we may have to bring them up ourselves. I can always use a kitten sitter if yu have free time Casper!"

I made my excuses and hurriedly left.

Remind Me To keep My Mouth Closed

Do you ever have those days when you wished you hadn't said anything? Today was one of those.

I went out this morning first thing to tour the estate and check everything was in place and there was this white frost on the grass. I stopped to explore it in closer detail and found it to be a tad on the cold side. I actually froze my paws standing there. I went back in and popped upstairs to see the two legs who were still laying in bed drinking their tea and ruminating on what to do for the day. I find it strange that two legs are always asking each other what they should do and then bemoaning that they haven't done something.

Us felines just get on with it and do it. You never hear us moaning about what hasn't been done and where we haven't been. If it has to be done we do it; if we have to go there we go there, come back and that's it job done.

Well I jumped on the bed and there was an immediate oohing and awwing from them.

"Poor fellow his feet are frozen!"

"Yes so would yours be if you had to walk out there in your barefeet with no shoes on!"

"Poor fellow he's really cold he needs a cuddle"

"I've been out in the deep Winter with no clothes on inspecting your estate and what do I get - a cuddle! I need some nice warm cream and a side dish of tuna with the edge taken of in the microwave!"

"We'll get him sorted out in town today"

Now that was a signal I should have heeded. The last time they were "getting me sorted out" I came back from the vets minus a few bits and pieces, but it was early morning and I had a frozen brain - I overlooked the warning signal.

The day wore on and they went off in their car and we all had a little sleep in the milky sun and felt the warmth creep back into our bones. The day was picking up nicely when all of a sudden in they came.

"Come here Casper we've got just what you need for those early mornings and late nights you like to keep!"

It was too late to back away; my inquisitive nature had gotten the better of me and I was trapped. They slipped this yellow hoodie on me and the silliest matching booties ever. I stood there like something that had fallen off the Christmas tree. Max and Sebastian came wandering through and I heard Sebastian stifle a laugh.

"Won't feel the cold now old fellow will you?" beamed two legs. Luckily he didn't hear my reply!

Two Legs Must Be Wet Behind The Ears

Hello there.

Have I been through it while you've been away. I may have told you before that the two legs have this strange habit of immersing themselves in the bathtub every so often and performing a cleaning ritual. Why they can't do it on the lounge carpet like any normal feline I have no idea. I quite enjoying laying ona  warm carpet and cleaning those intricate bits that you'd otherwise find impossible to reach. Mind you I don't think two legs can put their legs overt heir head like I can so maybe that's why they get in the water.

Well the other day he was preparing for his soak when the phone rang.I heard him trot downstairs muttering about time to ring and then he picked up the phone:

"Yes.......Speaking.....No I don't want any thank you........Why should I want any?........ Well if they are that good go and buy them yourself. Leave me alone I want to wash"

While this was going on I couldn't help myself. I had to go and try out the bath. I jumped in and splashed everywhere. The water was nice and warm not like the pond next door where the fish live. Only trouble was it was wet and all my fur went wet and sticky.

Then I heard two legs coming back still muttering about people ringing the phone when he was about to perform his ablutions. Now you see I never complain when they ring when I am about to wash because I am on the carpet and it doesn't interfere with me. Mind you it isn't very often that anyone rings up to speak to me - at least I don't get all those calls from people wanting to sell me home insulation and stuff.

Well two legs took one look in the bath and shouted out to the female two legs to come and retrieve me and dry me. That was fairly pleasant ina  large warm fluffy towel. I think it was the towel that he was going to use!

Not sure what he did in the end - maybe he tried my way of washing although I didn't see him on the lounge floor with his leg in the air.

Patrick's Message For Angel

Hi, I’m Patrick the starfish and I have taken over Casper’s blog today to tell you a story about someone special who saved my life.

You see I was out at sea when I got separated from my family and washed up on this beach. Well this girl came along and saved me and put me in a bucket of water and looked after me. I didn’t know at the time but she was a princess but she still looked after me and all through the day she carried me around with her and got me food and even took me to the loo! Then came the time for me to go back in the ocean to find my family; she emptied me into the water and I washed away with the tide.

I had only got a little way out when I realised I hadn’t properly said thank you so I turned around and went back to the beach and she found me again and we were able to say a proper goodbye. I went back in the sea and in a short time was reunited with my family on a rock just down the coast. I told them the story and said  I was sorry that I couldn’t repay the princess for her kindness.

They asked me what she really wanted and I said I didn’t know but I sent two of the fairy sea nymphs to read her dreams and let me know. They said she wanted to be a dancer so I sent them back to sprinkle their special magic fairy dust over her feet while she was asleep.

Later we were up on the North Sea coast at the city of Blackpool and we heard there was a dancing contest there. I sent the fairy nymphs over to see if my Princess was there and she was. They told me all about her; how well she danced and how the judges marked her. One said she was Fab-U-Lous; one said she was so good that if she didn’t win the trophy he would go home and pickle his walnuts – I don’t know whether he really had any walnuts to pickle. The other – a funny foreign fellow – said her dancing was like a fluffy marshmallow floating across a golden sandy beach while the waves from a lapis-lazuli ocean gently kissed the shoreline – I said he was funny!

Anyway I asked the fairies to sprinkle their magic dust on the scene and everyone went home clapping and cheering and laughing and I think I finally got to say a proper thank you to my Princess.

Its Cream Cracking

I thought they had forgotten all about me you know. I haven't had a bowl of cream for so long I had almost forgotten what it looked like and as for taste that was some distant memory to me. Max said I had cream last week but I don't think so. I have been complaining about it for so long my voice has gone a little hoarse.

Now there's a funny thing. How can your voice go horse? I have never heard a two legs neigh or whinney yet they often say they feel a little hoarse. At first I looked around to see if the were feeling and equine but there was nothing there then they said they sounded hoarse and I thought they were making horse noises bit again no. It's the funny way they say things. They sort of talk in riddles so no-one else can understand them. I know Max has made a study of this but he never got round to publishing his findings so we will never know what he studied.

Anyway there I was in a cream-less state and they came in with these steaming hot pies full of horrible fruit and berries. Yuk they are all bitter and taste awful but two legs like them. Actually so do birds and birds have two legs so maybe it's something to do with that. Another study for Max I think. I was about to leave them to it when I heard him say. "Pass the cream would you, old girl!"

I was there like a shot and yes they had a pot of cream and he was taking a spoonful to put on his awful pie. Well I was up on the table and had the cream right off his spoon before you could say double whipped long-life cream. They were so shocked and he just held the spoon there while I licked it clean.

"Casper must have a liking for cream don't you know" he chortled.

A liking for cream?? Where have they been when I have been talking about the tuna mountains and cream lakes of my dreams? Anyway they took what they wanted out of the tub and left the rest for me. I've got a rather full belly now and am about to nod off. Night night!

A Chill In The Air

For once I an beginning to agree with Max about it being cold - only trouble is I decided it was getting cold too late and so lost my rights to the warmest places in the house.

Max has secured all rights to the rug in front of the fire and will not share that with anyone. He even gets cross if the two legs go near the fire to stoke it up. Sebastian has secured the basket outside the airing cupboard and has also arranged for his food to be delivered there by his personal shopper. I have to fend for myself.

Well I did until breakfast time the other morning. two legs has a bowl of porridge in the morning - yuk! all lumpy bits and hot and not very sweet. However he gets the female two legs to make it in this mini oven up on the counter bar. Well she made it and was in a bit of a rush and went in to serve it to him without closing the door. I nipped up and in and it was the perfect fit. My bottom rests on the warm back wall while my back luxuriates on the side panel. My head rests on the door well so the door can't close and the place is warmer than toast.

I had a few shouts at me to vacate my new lodgings but I played the "I'm Asleep!" card and it seems to have worked.

They keep saying things like "Creature of Habit" but I don't care it is nice and warm and when it cools down I get out and wait until they heat up something else and I'm in again.

Life is good

Sleep Not Today

Something is going on and I need to be alert.

You see it started off as a pretty normal day. I went and surveyed the estate. Max got as far as the rockery and said it was too cold and went back to bed. Sebastian got to the greenhouse and said he was dying of starvation and turned for home. I went about my business inspecting, checking and sorting before returning home for a nice breakfast. I smelled bacon cooking. Now my two legs don't have a cooked breakfast unless there is something special on. I tried to listen to see if I could make out what it was but they were having those nonsense conversations where they say lots of words but it doesn't mean anything. I have no idea why two legs like to do that. We felines believe in keeping quiet unless you have something worthwhile to say.

Anyway they ate their breakfast and let Sebastian have some scraps. I don't lower myself to begging at the table for food. If I want it I take it when no-one is looking. I was watching to see if they put their outdoor clothes on but they didn't so they were intending on being indoors today were they.

They went upstairs and I left them for a while. You never know what people are going to do when they disappear upstairs. A long time had passed so I thought I better go and see if they were alright. Well! I have never seen anything like it. My home was turned upside down. He was in the new wardrobe - I think he must have been trying to hide in there because all I could see was his legs sticking out and over the bed.

She had cupboards and drawers all over the place and as fast as she emptied one he was diving in and out the wardrobe putting stuff away. Then he would take it all out and start again. What a waste of time - it's just like those conversations - they just do it to pass the time I think

Well it went on all day. Stuff going from one cupboard to another. Then the furniture started going walkabouts. everything was in a different place. Then the dreaded ladders and he was up in the roof with boxes and parcels disappearing into that great hole up there. I always have to be careful that I don't get picked up and put up there. Max says he lived for there for 3 years one weekend.

We are all tired out. No chance to sleep with all that chaos but at least they have stopped now. We don't know where anything is and keep bumping into things that have been moved. Why can't two legs leave things alone!

I'm Back

I bet you all thought I'd done a runner as I hadn't written in a little while - well here I am and I can only say I am sorry for not writing but I simply couldn't.

For the last couple of weeks as soon as it gets dark there is gunfire and rockets and all sorts going off in the sky. Now Max said it happens every year but I don't remember it last year and it has been going on every night.

I went out one night at the start and was strolling around the estate when this stick came out of the sky and landed right by me - well a few paws lengths away to be honest. I went to sniff it to see what it was and one end was all hot and smoking and there was paper attached to it. Max told me they were rockets. It was while I was investigating this that the gunfire started and the sky was alight with all these bright colours and horrible bangs.

I shot indoors and realised why Max and Sebastian hadn't bothered to go out.

The two legs were pleased to see me and suggested I didn't go out for a while. I was only to pleased to take this advice. Only trouble is every time I go to write to you these whizzers and stuff keep going off and making me jump so much that I can't concentrate.

I think it has all finished now so I thought I owed you an apology for being away.

I guess you all missed me - NOT!!

Drinks Are On Me

Now I have to admit I have been a bit naughty.

You see my two legs have been doing this thing for their charity fete - it's called "Wine or Water". Now I don't under stand all the intricacies of it but it involves drinking a lot of wine and filling the bottles up with water and then wrapping the bottles in newspaper along with bottles containing wine that they haven't drunk.

As far as I can tell other two legs come along and buy the bottles, unwarp them and either jump up and down with a bottle of wine or say boo to a bottle of water.

Well there they were the other night with all these bottles wrapping them up and I said to Max we ought to help so I undid a bottle and poured it in a glass and had a sip. It tasted really weird all bitter and fiery but still wet. We couldn't let them down so we finished the bottle between us and on the last glass I noticed this strange thing swimming in the glass. I think it was one of the fish from next door's pond but when I tried to hoik it out I couldn't find it. Max said it was my eyes - maybe.

Anyway the two legs said they made £130 for the charity with their bottles so I think I did my bit Hic hic hic - oops sorry!

Trick or Treat

Now this is the night that loads of two legs come round to the house and bang on the door and say "Trick or Treat"

My two legs dress up and have lots of sweets and cakes and stuff and give them to the little two legs when they come. L:ast year I was a bit scared coz I had never seen it before and they were all in scary clothes and masks over their faces. Max told me it was alright and just to ignore them and then I had an idea.

"Let's go Trick or Treating tonight" I said when Max got up at lunchtime.

He looked at me as if I was from a different world. Mind you Max often has the look that he is from a  different world.

"I think not" he said in his totally dismissive manner.

I went in search of Sebastian and asked him. "Well I guess we could go to Loius and maybe Bluebelle but no further. How do you know they will give us the sweets?"

I reassured him and the plan was set. When it fell dark I was ready. I even got a little costume out of my personal shoppers closet and put that on. I went for Sebastian but he had gone into one of his deep sleeps and I knew there was no point trying to wake him. So I went alone

I got to the first house and jumped at the door and scratched all down the paint. I thought they wouldn't see in the dark.

Suddenly the door opened and the man came out with a bucket of water which he threw at me. "Take your tricks elsewhere!" he shouted slamming the door behind him.

I went round to Bluebelle's and knocked on the cat flap; she appeared and l;aughed at me. "You look silly!" she said "I haven't got anything for you they've gone out trick or treating and there's no sweets til they get back" I turned away.

I went over to Louis and she was curled up on the sofa watching the television box. I asked her for Trick or treat and she looked at me blankly and suggested I went home.

I did - not doing that next year!

Under Cover

Have you noticed how cold it has gotten lately?

I know Max complains about the cold in Summer but these last few nights it has changed and I have been feeling the cold. I think it all started when the two legs decided to change time and said they were going to have an extra hour in bed and since then it has all gone wrong.

Last night I was in my chair as usual having a nap and dreaming of this magnificent mountain of tuna with a little topping of cream right at the peak. It reminded me of those snowy mountains you see in those films that my two legs keep in their television box.

I suddenly woke up and I felt as cold as that snow on the top of the mountain in mt dream - only that wasn't real snow it was cream and that wouldn't have been very cold but I think you understand what I am getting at. I was cold.

So I jumped on the bed and stood on old two legs' chest and asked him for a hot water bottle. Well at that time of day he is not most receptive and he just raised his hands from under the covers and made to stroke me. I have to admit his hands were nice and warm so I let him and then he gently turned me over and I thought OK I'll go with it and he put me on my back cradled in his arm - now that was warm.

I was quite liking this when he lifted the bed clothes and tucked them round me still in his arms. The heat flooded through me. I was about to nod off and go back to my mountain of tuna when I realised I was getting too hot so I had to wriggle free from arms and bed clothes and make my way back to my chair.

After about an hour it was cold again so I made my way back to old two legs and the process started again. I like it under the covers where he and my personal shopper go but I can't stay there very long like they do.

Maybe it's because they don't have my fur coat?

Music To My Ears

Now I am getting to feel a bit left out.

All my friends with Bluebelle are playing instruments - there's James playing drums and cornet, Grace plays piano and violin and recorder and cornet (wow that's a lot) Lucy told me she is starting to play the recorder and the squeeze-box. Even my old two legs has got a guitar that he plays and my personal shopper has got an electronic organ she tinkers with sometimes.

I tell you I felt rather left out. Max has got a little mouse he puts his paw on every so often and it squeaks at him. It's not a real mouse - just a plastic one but Max doesn't know that and Sebastian and me said we wouldn't tell him. Don't want to spoil his fun.

Anyway I was over the field the other day and I popped into this church. It's where the Brass Band plays and they must have been practicing and left their instruments out while they went and had a cup of tea in the interval. Have you noticed how two legs always manage to break things into little sessions which they cn punctuate with a cup of tea. I think it is a weird habit. I tried a bit of old two legs' tea the other day while he was writing something on the computer. It tasted foul - the tea that is - I haven't tasted the computer - yet he is always saying "I wouldn't mind a cup of tea if anyone is making one." Now how he thinks me or Max or Sebastian are going top get up their fill up that tin thing with water, plug it in, switch it on, wait til it steams and then pour it into another pot with a couple of bags in it, then wait a while then pour it into anouther pot with some cow juice in it and then drink it. What's the matter with the tap?

Anyway I was in the church and I saw this thing standing there with a long slider and a big horn. I thought I'd have a try. Well I tried to reach up to it to blow down the tube and the thing toppled over. It toppled into a set of cornets and then into the drums. What a clatter.

The band came running out and chased me out of the church

Think I am better without an instrument.

It's All White

Oh my Goodness me those thieves were back in the night. You remember I told you about the ones who took the pots of flowers where Sebastian and I used to hide so we could jump out and frighten any passing dogs. Well this time I got up and went to go for my tour of the estate and it wasn't there! They had come and taken all the green grass and all that was left was the white stuff underneath it.

I shouted out to Max and he came to look and then went back to bed. He said white light was not good for his "condition" and he preferred not to look at it.

Sebastian strolled over and said something about it all being a bad dream and went back to his bed and curled up. I couldn't just let it happen. I had to go and investigate on behalf of my personal shopper. She would be so upset to come and find her whole back garden had been taken away. I quickly had a look out the front window and they had taken the front garden too and the road by the look of it. This was looking a serious matter. I wondered about leaving it to the police but I knew I could get a head start and pick up a scent. I am like a blood-hound you know. I have the sense of smell that is completely unrivalled in the two legs world.

I jumped through the window - oh no not with super-feline powers or anything. The window was open so technically I jumped through the space where the window had been. I don't want any of you trying to do this at home and try jumping through closed windows. Us felines have had centuries of training and practice so please don't try that at home.

I landed outside and put my nose to the white stuff to pick up the scent of the robbers. My nose went through and I smelled grass beneath. They hadn't robbed us at all they had sprinkled all this cold white stuff everywhere. All the little two legs started running about and crying with laughter and throwing the white stuff at each other.

Good job I didn't alert the police.

Show Time

Hey my two legs have been put and about something rotten just lately. I here them all the time saying stuff like

"Shall we go to the theatre?" or "Shall we go to the restaurant?" or "There's a good comedian on in town - shall we go?"

Now far be it for anyone to say I am a party-pooper but I think all this gadding about and enjoying themselves tends to leave me and Max and Sebastian on our own too much. The other night they decided to off out for a meal and theatre and Max and I said "That's enough"

We decided to put on our own cabaret and invite in a  few of the neighbourhood friends of ours. Now I have explained before we have no cat door like some of the other cats (I think my two legs are too idle to cut a hole in the door to be honest with you). We have worked a way to open the window now and it is easy to get people in and out that way. It is also fun when they come home and turn to each other and say "Fancy leaving the window open I thought you were looking after that!"

Well we had a few of our friends in and we put on a series of acts. Max did a very passable dance routine in which he stumbled about a bit but it raised a laugh - I don't think he meant it too. Sebastian did a trick to see how many biscuits he could swallow in one go. We lost count when he got to 28 in his mouth. Bluebelle (that's my sister) did a very nice rendition of I'm For Ever Blowing Bubbles - she has a lovely voice and sings acapela when her junior personal shoppers aren't there to accompany her. Louis did a vanishing act which was very skillful.

I might tell you another joke from my act another day but I can't let all my material out or the act will fall flat

A Thousand Apologies

I am so sorry. It had never occurred to me before but I stand before you most days naked. How embarrassing that must be for you not to mention for me - even though I didn't know at the time. I am disappointed none of you mentioned it to me but that's life.

There I was laying down having my afternoon nap when bedlam broke out with the two legs.

"What can I wear tonight?" she asked in a  plaintiff voice.

"Oh anything dear. You know you look good in anything!"

Now I know when he says that he really means he hasn't got a clue and probably cares even less, but I understand it is good psychology.

"I haven't got a thing to wear!" she cried and then it hit me.

"I haven't got a thing to wear!" well of course I haven't Even if I had I wouldn't have anywhere to put them.

"Well then you'll just have to go naked with all you bits on show!" he answered with a slight jokiness in his voice.

My Goodness "naked" - that's exactly how I have to go out every day and how I address you folks. "Having my bits on show" well I mean that is beyond the pale!

I am so sorry if I have offended your sensibilities with my nakedness. I shall get my personal shoppers to remedy the situation as soon as possible

Angel's Off To The Seaside

Hey do you remember me telling you about Angel the person my two legs met when he was at the seaside and how they found Patrick the Starfish and how my mate Sidney Seagull gave me all the details about what was happening. Well I hear that Angel is a dancer. In fact I have been learning some moves as you can see so that I can dance with her when I meet her.

Anyway she is off to the seaside again soon but this time she isn't going to go looking in the sea. She's going dancing in that big tower place up North. I don't know how far it is but Max said it is way past Tesco and it takes days to walk there without walking back.

I think she is gong to be very tired if she is walking all that way and then dancing and then coming back with all those trophies. Oh yes she wins trophies for her dancing.

My two legs said that before long she will come and live in his television box with all those other dancers that come out on a Saturday night and the four two legs sitting at their desk say all sorts of things about them. Max said they are judges but he was being silly - I knew they weren't judges because they weren't wearing those wig things and those gowns.

That dance I am doing is a South American Puddle Jump I think it's worth SEVEN!!

Bird Brain

I've been so busy looking after my patients that I quite forgot about my morning chats with the wildlife. I have been neglectful (is that a word - if not I have just invented a word. How cool is that!) I shall have to tell Max because he thinks inventors are clever so he will think I am clever.

Anyway I nipped out early this morning to have a check on the estate and make sure my mate Lucy was OK - she's walking well now and seems fine - clever little soldier she is. I still keep thinking of her falling off that rocket you know. It could have been a real CAT-astrophe! Hey that was clever wasn't it?

Anyway there I was touring the estate and it had a bit of an Autumnal chill to the early morning so I ventured back indoors.

"Cor shut that door, mate. There's a wicked draft blows through here you know"; this little voice piped up at me making me start at first. I looked around and there sitting on the floor was Sidney Sparrow.

"Where have you been Sid?" I asked "and how did you get in?"

"You left the door open. I just got back from a trip overseas and it was so warm over there now I come back to this chill. Mind if I come in and warm up before I go off?"

"Course not Sid. Would you like some tuna and cream? I got some in the kitchen."

"No ta. Best not go in the kitchen. You now what those humanoids are like when I have a little accident indoors"

I nodded sagely not having the first idea what"humanoids" were, but there are times when you don't show your ignorance and just go along with what is said. Max told me that too.

"So where exactly were you overseas Sid?"

"Ermm some way away actually."

"Really did you go up beyond Tesco then?"

"Almost" answered Sis. "We went to the other side of the pond down the road"

I was aghast. I go further than that most nights!

"So you're more of a home bird then Sid?" I said with a twinkle.

Another Patient

Would you believe it. it never rains but it pours. I have told you how I have been nursing my two legs after he had that bad arm from where the needle went in him. Now I have another patient.

My little mate Lucy. She lives with my sister Bluebelle and she (Lucy that is) had a fall from a rocket. I think she was training to be the first mini two legs in space and she fell off. Good job she wasn't in orbit or she might have fallen into one of those black holes and gone on falling for ever and ever. Max told me all about black holes one night when we were chilling. I know some hip phrases don't I?

Anyway Lucy fell off this rocket and couldn't walk. She had to go to that hospital place - it's like a vets for two legs. They looked at her legs and checked they were still there and concluded she still had two legs so all was well. Unfortunately Lucy still couldn't walk and my sister Bluebelle is a bit on the small side so I volunteered to let Lucy ride on my back so she could rest her leg.

She is back walking a little bit now so I only have to carry her when she wants to go to the shops past Tesco or when she is on her way to school.

I am such a good Samaritan you know!

Am I Tired

Leave me alone today I need to catch up on my sleep.

What a night last night was! Old two legs went off to see his doctor person to have an injection in his arm. I think it is like the one they take me and Max and Sebastian to the vets for. It is so we don't get worms and things. I guess he is afraid of getting them too - I don't really understand it all particularly when they eat those bowls of worms covered in that meaty sauce. I don't like the worms but the sauce is yummy if they leave any in their bowls. She calls it Spag Ball I call it yummy!

Anyway he came back after the injection with stories of his bravery and how he hadn't flinched when they put this massive needle into him. and how the nurse thought he was so brave he deserved a medal.

I said where's my medal. I have the injection in my bum. He only has it in his arm.

Anyway they went off to bed and I heard him moaning and groaning about how is arm hurt when he laid on it. I went up to see and told him to lay on his back and put his other arm round me. To tell the truth I was a bit cold so i was grateful for the warmth. When he laid on his back he snored and woke himself and me up and then we went through the same ritual.

"My arm hurts when I lay on it!"

"Don't lay on it then!"

"OK Casper thank you"

Lays on back, snores, turns over , wakes up, "My arm hurts when......"

I spent the night helping and advising. I was so pleased when morning came and it was time for him to get up.

I slipped under the covers and told him to leave the curtains drawn.

Wake me up when it's food time!

All I Need is a Drink

Now I know I have told you before about the inconsiderate and unhygienic way two legs go about taking food and drink. They have it together would you believe! Now I know because my Mum taught me that if you have food and drink at the same time it all swells up inside you and you go bang. I don't know how the two legs manage not to explode everywhere because they are always drinking and eating at the same time - they must have weird metabolisms - well to be honest that's what Max says. I am not sure what a metabolism is!

Anyway I persuaded them to leave my water away from my food and Max and Sebastian have come to thank me for this. No more the danger of exploding cats in this household.

Now along with the need for separation of food and drink I have discovered over time many different drinking vessels some of which hold surprises within. Some surprises are nice surprises and some are not - like the one marked "vinegar" How anyone could drink that stuff I do not know. My two legs even put it on their fish and chips! What a way to ruin the perfectly good taste of fish. It is amazing how these two legs have evolved to the stage they have considering their very primative behaviours.

Well the male two legs always takes a drink to bed with him in case he wakes up thirsty in the night. He usually keeps it in his bedside cabinet. Max told me this is because he (Max) used to creep up in the night and have a sip. All was well until one night Max knocked the glass over onto the bed causing two legs to rise in a hurry believing at first that he had had an accident in bed!!

Well last night he left the glass out (that's two legs not Max) and in the night I went for a sip. SIlly two legs had drunk most of the water and I got my head stuck in the glass trying to reach the bit at the bottom.

As usual it was all deemed to be my fault!

Being Where I Shouldn't Be

Last night I had a very bad experience.

You see I slipped out the back door for what I thought was going to be a quick stroll round the garden and I met some old friends (well they aren't old as such - just that I have known them for some time) We wandered around a bit and we were having the odd bit of catnip. I know that will shock some of you readers, but I am partial to catnip and the vets say it doesn't do any harm if taken in moderation. Well mine said that when I threatened to scratch her if she didn't.

Well you know what it's like a heady night, the catnip dulling your senses, good company. Time drifted by and before I knew where I was I didn't know where I was! It came time to go our separate ways and I wandered off towards home and arrived at the back door. Normal procedure is to wait there until they see the Personal Detector Light come on and then they let me in. To my surprise the two legs had installed a cat flap for me and I just let myself in. It was nice to be in out of the chill of the night and I thought I ought to have a pee before I settled down for the night. In their hurry to install the cat flap they had obviously moved my litter tray and forgotten to replace it. I was miffed.

I was about to go outside again when a big ugly moggy came round the corner.

"What are you doing in my house?" we both uttered at once.

Slowly realization dawned. I was not in my own home. I had got into someone else's home and was about to spend the night there. Ugly Moggy didn't seem to be overjoyed at my presence and I made for the cat flap. It was a one way device - you could get in but not out!

I was trapped what could I do but scream and hope Ugly Moggy's two legs would come down and let me out.

have you ever been in that situation - I bet my friend Linda in Norfolk has and understands how I felt.

Cookery Smookery

I popped round to see my mate Denzil this morning. Denzil is (sorry was) a cool dude who often comes out on the evening patrol with me. I thought I'd go and pay him a surprise visit while my two legs were cleaning the house.

Now you know I'm not one to complain but why do those cleaners have to make so much noise? As soon as we get off to sleep in the morning on it goes and she's rushing about sticking that sucky thing anywhere and everywhere. I am always a bit concerned about what will get sucked up that pipe but the noise is deafening so Max Sebastian and I agreed that when it goes on, we go out.

They didn't want to go far this morning in case it rained and Max's "condition" was playing him up so I said I'd nip round to Denzil and see if he could get any food for tonight's adventure.

I got to his door and the cat flap was open so I let myself in without making a noise and the sight that greeted me turned my heart to jelly. There was Denzil stood on a stool with a pinny on next to his personal shopper and they were both BAKING. I didn't know what to do so I just took a picture and left the house without saying a word.

Not sure I shall be going out with Denzil any more!

Don't Hang Around

Now Max is always telling me about how nice and warm it is to sleep in two legs wardrobe. He said it is very quiet and peaceful and dark and there are plenty of cloth bits that you can curl up in. Max always tells the story of when he got shut in a wardrobe for 10 hours and didn't realise he had been trapped in there until the two legs came and released him and were all apologetic and gave him loads of treats. I wondered if I could pull the same trick but those two legs tend to remember things and I probably wouldn't have got the treats.

Anyway I found my way into two legs wardrobe the other day and was making a very nice bed among the slippers at the bottom of the wardrobe when Max came along.

"Oi you can't bunk down on my patch. Find your own!"

Max is generally very meek and mild bit when he says go then you don't stop to argue - he can be a strict disciplinarian when he wants to be.

"Where can I go then?" I asked expecting a sympathetic response.

"Use you imagination. How do you think I found this place. I roamed about looked around and thought I could use this if I make a few changes"

I knew that was all from Max so I looked around and I saw all these coat hangars with soft trousers hanging on them. I climbed up a velvet jacket and crawled gently in between the hangars. It was perfect. I snuggled down for a nice rest.

"Oi don't you be being restless in your sleep. I don't want you and all those hangars landing on me!"

I assured Max I would be careful and had a wonderful undisturbed sleep.

Thank you for making hangars hang.

Its A Wrap

Now the two legs in ym house are getting all excited about the C word again. They are making lists of presents they have to buy for other two legs - and me and Max and Sebastian of course - and they are getting dates for when they have to send them to places far away. I think the places over the big sea have their C word on a different date otherwise they would have sunshine when it is supposed to be snowy.

I talked to Max about it but he just said the snow isn't good for his "condition" and he might go to a warmer climate for the Winter this year. Either that or he will get his personal shopper to acquire him some thermal under garments to keep his bits and pieces warm. I pointed out that he - like me - didn't have any but there is no reasoning with Max when he gets an idea in his head.

Anyway I thought I would help the two legs with all their wrapping up and I was doing fine apart form that sticky tape getting stuck to my fur all the time.

Then it happened. I was in a roll of brown paper ready to pounce out on somebody when I heard him say

"Quick seal it up and send him off!"

I tell you I was out of that paper faster than a speeding bullet and I was up on his legs with my claws fully outstretched. He gave such a yelp, I laughed myself silly

Teach him to think that he can send me anywhere. I go where I want to when I want with whom I want to. Let's be quite clear on that one!

A Nose For Trouble

I am in trouble again.

Let me set the scene for you. I was in the study having a read pf the notice board and I thought there were a few pieces on there that should come off. Now you may remember from before that I don't always make the wisest choice in removing stuff from the noticeboard. remember the lottery ticket not discovered fro 2 years!

Well I blame those colourful pins the two legs use. They are very pretty and they are just right for me to get out of the board with my teeth. Only problem is I can't then catch the paper as it falls down the crack behind the desk.

Well I was about to have a go at a couple of pictures he has up there when he appears in the doorway.

"Oh no you don't young man!" he shouts and bounds over - well shuffles more like it - to pick me up.

Now first off I don't like being disturbed when I am in the middle of doing something and second off I will not be called young man. Man is something I am not and if he doesn't know that by know he must be dimmer than I thought.

He picked me up and put me on his back in his arms. I think he was actually going to be gentle with me but I am not that keen on suddenly being whisked up and thrown on my back into someone's arms - no matter how gentle their intentions might be.

I raised my paw in self defence and caught him right across the nose. Well did he scream out! Then there was a handkerchief issue and he was dabbing his nose with it and moaning about the blood he was losing. Off he went to the bathroom and emerged with a bright green plaster across his nose. Laugh I thought I was going to wet myself.

Then all the recriminations started.

Why was I a vicious cat? Why did he feel it necessary to toss me about like a sack of spuds? why couldn't I be trusted to leave things alone that don't concern me? Why couldn't he learn to just simply say what he wanted rather than dive in arms and mouth blazing?

After it quietened down I went on line and found a new nose for him - any idea which one I should order?

If Music Be The Food of Love

Now here's a thing to make your hair curl.

Last night I was locked out for over 4 hours. I had to endure the sub-Arctic temperatures and the dire weather. Well it was actually not quite below zero and the weather wasn't too bad at all. In fact old two legs went out in just a t-shirt!

I was out for my post afternoon nap stroll and when I came back the doors were shut and the lights off.

I called through the french doors to Sebastian who woke up and got out if his basket to see who I was. He told me they had gone off to a concert with the little two legs from next door where my sister lives. I wasn't that bothered where they had gone but when were they coming back? When could I get indoors? When could I again taste the delights of tuna and cream? Was I to spend the rest of my days as a stray consigned to the outside world living on scraps thrown out for the birds.

I began to whimper. Seb told me I was being a baby and they would only be a few hours. A few hours to a cat is like a lifetime and a half to a two legs. I settled down for the night under the barbecue in the only shelter I could find.

When they returned they were on about the music and the instruments and the clever little two legs from next door and didn't get round to feeding me for ages.

I decided if you can't beat them join them. I've bought a trombone.

Football Smootball

Now my two legs is often to be found in front of his television box watching all those little two legs in there running around kicking a ball. I have been known to try and join in and that usually brings about shouts of

"Casper get out of the way!" or "Casper I can't see through your bum!"

I find it all a bit annoying because there are times when I fancy a jolly old game of ball but there's all these two legs running about and they put a shield over the ball so I can't get to it.

Well the other afternoon I was on my way to the farm and just about to cross the big field when I saw all this little two legs running about chasing and kicking a football. I thought  - that's it. I'm in for a game.

I must admit they were kicking the ball a lot further than it goes in the television box. In there it only goes about 12 inches (I'm sorry I'm not a metrified cat so I don't understand your metres and litres and centithings and millithings) On this field they were kicking it ever so far.

I ran on the field and chased after the ball. I got right behind it and was about to start heading it round when I saw this two legs approaching. he pulled back his leg to kick the ball right where I was.

Question is what happened next?

I'm Being Starved

Now you know I don't make a fuss unless it is really necessary but this time I really do need some help.

You see Marmalade the ginger cat from down the street has taken to coming in and making a fuss of the two legs. Now they are easily charmed and he only has to rub round them and purr and they are gone!

Well I never mind sharing because I am that sort of fellow but I always believe in fairness.

Now Marmalade comes in and waits until the two legs are out of sight and then he makes a bolt for my food. Doesn't matter if it's mine or Sebastian's to be honest he just heads straight for it and gobbles it down. I was alright at first about it but then I realised that my two legs thought I was eating it and never gave me any to replace what Marmalade had had.

Enough is enough I said and the next time I went to remonstrate with Marmalade and tell him to leave some for me.

You can see his reaction!

Blogging Time Restrictions

Now I have never been one to tell tales out of school - perhaps for the very good reason that despite my wealth of knowledge I never actually went to school. When you have to fill in those forms about school and college I always put the School of Hard Knocks or The University of Life. To be honest I get two legs to put that because I am not a great writer - difficult to hold a pen between my paws.

Anyway that aside I have been finding it increasingly difficult to get on here and tell you what's going on. You see two legs has found these games sites where you can play games for free and he is always on there. The female is always on at him to get off the machine and do something constructive but I have told you before what he and construction is like so i thought it best to let him stay put. That was a Casper mistake. He is gluied to it - never gets up and she gets really cross when dinner is ready.

"Come on I've dished up"

"Won't be a minute just got a battleship and a minesweeper to destroy"

"No now. Dinner will get cold!"

"OK on my way"

Ten minutes later he surfaces and moans that his food is cold. I decided to take matters into my own hands - well technically into my own paws and I am now able to stop him and get to write to you.

Now I have forgotten what I was going to tell you today!

And That Little Piggie Had None

They went out again today - the two legs that is - they left me and Max and Sebastian on our own again. They only left one bowl of food for us and Sebastian had that before they had unlocked the garage door.

I tell you I was ravenous by the time they got back. They brought some other two legs back with them and started talking and laughing and making pots of tea and stuff while Max and I were fading away from starvation in the corner. I was trying to whimper to draw attention to our plight but I was so weak from hunger I couldn't make the sounds.

"How about some sandwiches now then?" I heard the female two legs ask.

"No problem," I answered "Don't worry about the bread or the butter just give me the filling and I'll be satisfied."

But no she wasn't talking to me but to the new two legs in the house. Thatw as it they were getting fed and watered ahead of me.

I followed my personal shopper into the kitchen and watched as she got the ham out of the fridge and opened a loaf of bread and started to spread the slices with butter.

Just then I heard one of the new two legs call out and my personal shopper went to answer them. Quick as a flash I was up to the worktop and got the lump of ham and carried it upstairs for Max and I to share. Sebastian came in and asked if he could have some too as he hadn't eaten for quite a while and was beginning to feel a little faint. We let him share.

Shortly after the scream went up and we dived under the bed and hid there.

Let me know when it's all clear and I'll pop out and write you some more.

My New Water Bed

Now you know I never complain about things. I take the rough with the smooth not that there's very much smooth going on. But this time I do have to speak out.

I had heard the two legs talking about getting a water bed and how relaxing it would be and then one of them mentioned cat's claws and what would happen in the event of a leak.They had all sorts of scenarios ranging from the house being demolished from the inside out to the house floating down the street. I thought it was all very juvenile and didn't pay much heed to their fripperies.

Low and behold a couple of days later I wandered into the bathroom and saw what they were talking about. I curled up inside the water bed - I think they also call it a loo - I think that means luxuriant opulent orthopaedic - and I was quite content.

After a little while I began to feel water seeping up from underneath me and I realised their worst fears had become a reality. We were doomed and about to sink. Worse was to come I heard two legs come in and start whistling and I felt the water coming from above as well as below.

"Gosh, Casper what are you doing there?" he cried in mid whistle.

I jumped out and ran downstairs and laid in the sun to dry off.

Silly idea these water beds if you ask me.